Welcome back to the Shahs of Sunset. I missed these trash bags more than I should. I open on this week having just described this show to Mr. LikeaLady as “40-year-olds acting like 20-year-olds and trying to wreck one another’s lives under the guise of friendship. Really bottom of the trash bin stuff.” And yet, how can I look away?
Last week, GG maybe, probably, definitely faked a hearing test and did her best performance as a person who shouts random words and tries to remember not to use any of the words that she can definitely hear through her headphones. Everyone attacked Asa on her pregnancy at her own show. MJ got trashed and drunk fought with her would-be sperm donor.
This week, we open on a Mike and Reza man date. Reza wants Mike to start being so Persian and date someone. Mike can’t because he has 6 more months left on his woe-is-me tour. If he acts sad and repeats that his wife left him, maybe everyone will forget that it was because he was a cheating, dirty whore.
I can’t date, man, I’m too sad because my wife left me for no reason, man.
Reza, who is a friend to no man, points out that in da club, Mike acts like a big old slut and we can’t possibly be made to believe that he isn’t slamming ass all over town.
Bro. What happens in the privacy of a club, stays between us and the several other hundred people that were there.
Mike then tries to claim that he respects the institution of marriage too much to date right now because… dot dot dot… he is still married. Reza is BETRAYED. He even circled the supposed divorce date in his CALENDAR. Reza has thus wasted a whole day of what he thought was love and support on nothing.
Smileys for heartbreak.
Mike is not not signing because he has hope that his marriage will not end. He just needs to draw this out as a sad thing or a failed sweeping romance. “It ended without an ending.” He is now officially acting like Jessica died tragically instead of left his cheating ass.
Next up, we are treated to more horrors. GG is in a sex shop, learning to give blowies. Because they are hard. And they suck. Dear gods of Bravo, take us now.
GG describes her new job as “theatrical actress.” This tells me that her parents are both not proud and had to pay the director to get her this gig.
Adam, who apparently did something wrong, is serving hard time in the form of having to attend penis blowing class with GG. Now that is a way to reduce crime in America.
I’ll never suggest chevron is a bad pattern ever, ever again.
Interestingly, GG has now jumped right off of Asa’s side, probably to avoid another season of being yelled at. Her line of hatred is why would Asa spend time with us if she doesn’t like us? and why does she only talk about being pregnant and caftans? Hey, hey, HEY. We have not heard about caftans in WEEKS. Because all we hear about is the peril of being the only woman who has ever survived living with 8/9ths of a full pregnancy. Uncalled for, Geeg.
The blow-job class lady has quite the set up with props and a terrifying penile diagram.
I’m nothing but hangups.
GG claims to have to small of a mouth and too much of a gag reflex to perform this task. Ever. Poor Shalom.
In another solid distraction, Reza leads the charge to the LA Mission to feed the homeless. There is no possible way that he does this with regularity. Or on days other than when cameras are present. The whole gang shows up to demonstrate their good-person-ness before another personal tear down.
Ugh, you’re pregnant, don’t invite MJ to yank your hair.
MJ takes Asa asking for help pulling her hair away from food that humans will eat as a personal affront to her trustworthiness. SIGH.
We learn some solid medical advice, which is a real treat from a bunch of people who don’t hold down jobs: you can drown crabs in a hot tub. Sidenote: never go in a hot tub that you do not personally control. And then still maybe don’t.
GG demonstrates her poor hearing by misunderstanding Reza’s medical advice. “You a Jacuzzi in your garage??”
Now prepare for a fashion doozy:
MJ switches to this testimonial look.
Does MJ’s stylist hate her? Does she just not want to look good? Or has Reza just been brainwashing her for so many years that she now has a completely terrible affected fashion sense?
Destiney asks Asa about whether her parents have been pushy about her marrying Jermaine. MJ immediately freaks out and complains about having to hear more about Asa. Butttttt Destiney asked the question. Direct your anger there, provided that you remember that she exists.
The girl who complains the Asa is fake to her.
Now GG, ever on a quest to prove that she has grown into a mature adult who doesn’t want to stab her sister, complains to Shervin about wanting to stab her sister and then not invite her to Thanksgiving. See, progress? Shervin says nothing and waits for GG to arrive at her own conclusion that mature girls invite sisters to holidays and only stab them on non-festive occasions.
Nothing like an invitation that is also an accusation
Next, Mike and Asa meet to go grocery shopping for Thanksgiving. Mike is also personally growing and is not bringing booze, but rather sweet pastries. Mike then makes a classic mistake: He asks Asa how she is feeling.
Babe. My uterus is cramping up, babe.
Asa blames everyone for her pregnancy issues, which she is sure to detail, graphically. Mike claims that Asa is inventing the fact that everyone is attacking her about her blessed child.
These are my gaslighting eyes.
Asa is just crazy. Everyone supports her. No one has used the word bastard. In fact Asa is the rude one. I hate being put in the position of defending someone who is so unbearably insufferable. But they are all obsessed with her uterus and its temporary guest when they should be complaining about her constant bitching.
Finally, Mike gets down to the real meat and pastries of it: Reza has confirmed that Asa definitely had in vitro to definitely only select boy embryos and definitely is pregnant with a test tube fetus. Technically, Reza just said that Asa used the same doctor at some point in her life. So, basically the same thing.
Asa finally says in words what we all know: Jermaine wants his life private, so their relationship is off limits. They have been together for over 6 years, as long as Asa has been on this show. So either get over it or fire her.
Now, it is time to head to the doctor’s. This show should just take place in a doctor office.
MJ has more testimonial looks than anyone in the history of reality tv. Each more booby than the next.
GG version of gaslighting is convincing us that everything she has ever done wrong was because she can’t hear. She clawed Adam because she couldn’t hear him asking not to be clawed! She throws things at waiters because she hear them say would you like something to eat! She threatens to stab people because she couldn’t hear them ask what has made her into a violent jerk!
GG gets her invisible hearing aids inserted and hears for the “first time”
OMG, OMG, OMG. This was a mistake, does it mean I have to behave now?
GG for an unknown reason limps into the sound booth. Girl. Your issue was hearing, not a bum leg. JESUS. GG can now miraculously hear every single word. She now claims that she must yell because she can’t hear herself, wait that’s not what I meant, I can hear now, couldn’t hear before, talking loud because I just want to. I’m happy for her. I’m also scared for the rest of the cast as we discover what will be her new excuse for bad behavior.
I can hear my annoying ring now. And it’s perfect, no complaints.
It is now Thanksgiving and at Shervin’s place his mother and the girl he didn’t cheat on are cooking. Shervin can see himself marrying a non-Persian girl, provided that she doesn’t find out about him and Tara.
Formal Thanksgiving wear.
MJ arrives with a bucket of make up and a booby shirt. Shervin yells at her to pull up her shirt because this is a family event, not a titty bar. This is a fool’s errand because MJ’s shirts do not go up and this is her most conservative top.
MJ plans on spoiling the holiday by suggesting the Annalise needs to know where Shervin has been swerving.
Do I announce it now? Do I wait until there is a better audience? What would Reza do?
MJ will not be silenced like a decapitated horse in someone’s bed! This is MJ’s view of the story of The Godfather.
Over at Asa’s family Thanksgiving, Reza arrives with an enormous amount of roses, which means he knows her pulled a big one. Asa is nothing but complaints about her ailments and her doctor’s prescription to stay away from negativity. Ummm. Then don’t invite Reza inside.
Reza chopping is a finger-cut-off disaster waiting to happen.
Back at Shervin’s, MJ is having a fashion disaster:
“I don’t have a proper bra.”
Vida demands a proper bra.
Elsewhere, Asa is determined to corner Reza and chooses to take him out back by the lemon trees. Jolanders would be so proud. Reza admits that he is the one that suggested Asa might be lying except that he didn’t lie, he just kept Asa’s secret like a good friend. I can’t even follow that trail.
Blah blah blah blah, see I’m not wrong.
The party at Shervin’s is hopping and Vida has already noticed that MJ dressed terribly. You would think that with her mother just one judgmental glance away would frighten MJ into dressing for the boobs she has.
I see we failed on the proper bra thing…
Here we GO.
GG slyly pulls Annalise outside to discuss relationships and how we feel about them and whether or not our boyfriends are slutting it up all over town.
Make it stopppppp.
The destroy friends bat signal went up, everyone gather!!
Shervin accuses GG of disrespecting his home. Mike wisely points out that the home was already disrespected and probably has some kind of disease from the conga line of bitches Shervin has parading through it.
GG just doesn’t understand how Annalise isn’t worried when her boyf lives so far away and is a dirty cheater. Annalise doesn’t let fear control her and also has a dude in Australia, so she doesn’t care.
GG parents arrives sans her sister. Snooze. Then she shows up.
Playing it cool.
In a season of awkward toasts, GG lists all of the things she is thankful for: Annalise, for coming even though Shervin banged her friend. Leila, for coming even though GG plans to stab her later for being a selfish bitch. Shervin, for inviting them all over and kicking out the strippers for a night. Happy Thanksgiving.
Me too, bro.
Leila resents being in the presence of her sister, but showed up for cameras. She dramatically stomps outside and Mike follows to berate her and yell at a woman, which is his favorite hobby.
The yelling bat signal has gone up!! Swarm, swarm.
MJ wants a fight and offers to put GG and Leila in a room together. With knives and cups full of throwing wine, if that helps.
Back at Asa’s, Asa is thankful for her baby. Reza is thankful that he was able to attack Asa without her really realizing it.
Nothing says Thanksgiving like evidence that your daughters are the worst.
Leila shows her father all of the text messages between her and GG to demonstrate how awful GG is. Leila picked up GG from her “anger” rehab and GG didn’t say thank you for ELEVEN DAYS. Damning evidence, guys.
GG freaks out, with screaming and swearing.
Yeah, I’m only contractually required to be here for two more days, this isn’t worth my time.
GG’s parents are ashamed, yet not surprised. Shalom is ashamed, but not surprised. Leila sits down to play backgammon with Shalom and the editors play some tense music. I hope Shervin locked up the weapons.
Well, that’s all folks. This week was a little blah, but I fully expect them to step it up next week as we continue to delve further into MJ’s madness. I’m enjoying zen GG unraveling and Asa finally realizing Reza might not be a good friend. Join me next week to find out what the yelling bat signal will be used for next!
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