Hola, mi Trashies!!! I don’t speak Spanish, FYI, so it I have offended anyone, I apologize. Well, I fake apologize. I am sorry you are offended by my bad Spanish. Alas, MisRed is here… bringing you the comings and goings of the OC betches.
You know, that isn’t my sole function in life, I’m also obsessed with podcasts- of course I am a religious follower of Watch What Crappens with Ronnie and Ben, but currently obsessing on Dr. Death and Up and Vanished Season 2. Highly recommend both- Dr. Death is a little on the gruesome side, be forewarned.
Speaking of gruesome… let’s check back in on the OC, shall we? We left off with Kelly confronting Vicki’s boyfriend, Steve Chavez Lodge, Crooked Cop and Faux Latino, over him speaking to Page Six about Kelly and her ex-husband. Steve CCFL dodged Kelly’s barbs by running away to hide behind Vicki. So, Kelly, instead, got into a verbal altercation with The Turtle whom she called “dork,” ” loser,” “a little bitch” and a “twerp,” which was EVERYTHING and has kept MisRed going all week.
Oh, and we can’t forget “PUSSY!!”
This, in turn, led to a NEAR physical altercation between Emily, who stopped smelling poo for 3 minutes, so she could threaten to kill Kelly. Literally.
“I WILL KILL YOU!!”
So that’s where we left off.
Picking up at the party, Emily is being blocked from Kelly, physically, by Gina. Emily must have had kept some semblance of decorum in her mind because she, I’m pretty sure, could tear Gina to pieces, like Godzilla tears up Tokyo.
Do I hear $20 on Kelly? $20 on Kelly?
The fight is a little bit of a melee, Eddie is throwing down bets. Someone else is getting some cocks out for the follow-up bout, the bartender is just happy nobody smashed the Aldi wine.
I need a 2 foot perimeter around the Aldi!!
It’s a mess.
Emily tells Kelly she has no class. LOL. Which is true, but Kelly takes great offense.
Meanwhile, Tamra, conveniently absent from the fight, comes downstairs to ask Emily what happened? Emily is storming around ripping Tamra’s crown molding down, smashing the fine china , yelling “Don’t call my husband a bitch!!”
Even up here… I smell poo
Tamra interviews that she went upstairs for 5 minutes and all hell has broken loose. And because Tamra is such a sh*t stirrer, she absolutely LOVES it. She goes hobbling after Emily, pretending to try to calm her down, but she is really just trying to keep her fired up.
Outside, Kelly says to Shannon, “I didn’t know HE was HER husband. She’s the dude and he’s the bitch. Who knew???”
Emily sits down with Tamra and Vicki. Turtle paddles in shortly thereafter. Vicki explains, Kelly fights dirty. Yes, as opposed to sending other people to talk to the press like Vicki does. She interviews that she would NEVER say the things that come out of Kelly’s mouth. True. Well not to their face, at least.
Turtle says he doesn’t care and he doesn’t understand why Emily cares? He asks Emily if she actually values Kelly’s opinion?
Turtle has a point. It sounds like he’s probably been called a “little bitch” enough times that it just rolls off his shell.
Vicki tells the girls that she is “over it” and “it’s so two months ago.” Glad Vicki, who was NOT EVEN INVOLVED, is over it. Super. Thanks for playing. But what happened two months ago???
Jesus. Where did these women get all of these fugly red jump suits?
Whoops wrong show.
Tamra wants to go back outside to get the poop from Kelly’s side. Emily can probably guide you straight to the poop, just by smel. In fairness, it’s Tamra’s duty as pot-stirring garbage to get the maximum amount of info so she can, you know, run her mouth most effectively. Emily goes to follow her but Turtle orders her to sit down. She tells him that she can’t just not deal with the situation. He’s like- why not? “She’s irresponsible and just likes to drink and then she goes and gets mad at people.”
Ok, well, yes, but a) just because she is irresponsible doesn’t necessarily mean she likes to drink. I know many sober, yet highly irresponsible people. And b) just because she drinks doesn’t mean she’s irresponsible. I know an equal number of responsible drunks. And c) Yes, Kelly has the shortest fuse in the history of fuses, but she didn’t just walk up and breathe fire. I mean, she almost did, but Steve lit the match and then ran away. She should be calling him a “little bitch,” to be honest.
Turtle doesn’t really understand is, Emily is in this circle of women and she can’t just threaten to kill one of them and then not deal with that for the rest of her time on the show. Vicki does that crap all the time, but she’s the OG of the OC.
Emily interviews , when someone attacks her husband’s character, it’s her instinct to protect him and their marriage and to “take Kelly Dodd down.” Well, in fairness, Emily is built like a line-backer (I am not calling her fat or weight shaming, she is just a big woman. I mean, she could break Tamra over her knee and pick her teeth with Tamra’s bones.) But also, Kelly didn’t attack Turtle’s character- she just said he was a dork and a twerp and a little bitch. All of which, thus far, appears to be true. Not that what Kelly did was right…
She asks Turtle what he would do if someone said those things about her? He says, “I would take you out of the situation and leave.” Like a little bitch.
Outside, Kelly, omg, she is like “She said she was going to kill me.” Everyone is like kind of like, laughing about it. Kelly says, “She THREATENED ME. And then she said I don’t have any class. I’m classless. She’s crazy. She threatened to kill me and she’s a lawyer?? Dumb. I could sue her right now.”
I saw her, like, coming at me with a machete.
I mean, come on Kelly. Yes, she said she was going to kill you, but I wouldn’t say it’s a serious threat. It’s not like she is going to have you whacked or something. If Tony Soprano said he was going to kill you- okay, maybe you could worry then.
Kelly interviews, if she knew Turtle was Emily’s husband, she probably wouldn’t have called him a pussy.
PROBABLY wouldn’t have.
Elsewhere, Vicki, standing with Emily, tells Steve the CCFL that Turtle took the fall for him. Steve the CCFL questions why Kelly is messing with him??? Vicki says she doesn’t know.
Steve is so happy he started this mess. Look at his disgusting face.
Steve says HE knows… it’s because he is good friends with Kelly’s ex-husband, Psycho Mike. They both say what a GREAT guy Michael is and that their marriage just didn’t work out.
Vicki is such a great judge of character, isn’t she? “Charles Manson? Oh yeah, he was a great guy. Could get a little wacky sometimes, but overall, just a GREAT guy. Yah. Yah, great bunco player. Of course, if you beat him, he would have some of his peeps comes in and slaughter your entire family, just for fun, but yah, just a great guy. I’m gonna get him some new teeth though. And maybe pay to have that swastika lasered off his forehead, because, you know, it interferes with the botox.”
Wow. That’s a first. Charles Manson / Swastika humor. THIS IS HOW VICKI GUNVALSON TRIGGERS ME!!!!!
Emily says just because Kelly destroyed her own marriage doesn’t mean she should destroy Emily’s marriage.
The over-reaction of the people on this show is INCREDIBLE. It’s not like Kelly plotted and lured Turtle to a seedy motel with an underage-hooker, and some farm animals, recorded it and then called in TMZ and a police raid. She called Turtle a dork. I defy you to find me a marriage that was destroyed over a third party calling the husband a “dork.”
Vicki says she’s “all about NO drama, everybody getting along, love love love, spreading rumors that Eddie is gay, life, okay we are happy.” Vicki has the verbal articulation skills of a f*cking Mad Lib. Then she tells Steve “iloveyousomuch.” But she says it in a way that is so disingenuous, it’s a little gross. She has done it, now, three times this season, at least. This Vicki / Steve relationship is a joke.
No. Just. No.
Vicki, btw, you should also end your relationship with dress cut-outs, your tailor and the color red. None of it is working for you.
She tells Steve she just wants to go home to her pajamas, some hot tea and Seinfeld. Steve is like “yeah right.”
Vicki, MisRed would bet her life, doesn’t UNDERSTAND Seinfeld. She knows she should like it because people Vicki strives to emulate like it, but Vicki is not smart. Not that it takes a genius to grasp Seinfeld, but Vicki is definitely NOT a Seinfeld Fan. Every episode Vicki yells at Kramer that he should GET A JOB!!! She needs something a LOT more obvious, like Everybody Loves Raymond or Full House. Not that there is anything wrong with these shows, but you know, they’re funny but don’t exactly require a high IQ to grasp. They don’t hold up like Seinfeld or Scrubs.
Vicki also has this annoying thing where she calls everyone “Princess.” Just shut-up, you are NOT cute.
Vicki leaves and Kelly are like “Good luck with your boyfriend.” Either Vicki doesn’t hear, or she lets it go, I’m inclined to believe she didn’t hear her.
After Vicki walks away, Kelly says to Tamra and Shannon, “Do you think that guy is hitting it and quitting it?” They are both like- Steve? Kelly tells them that a friend of hers told her that Steve said he’s just using Vicki for her money.
Tamra is shocked. SHOCKED!!! Frankly, I am too. Steve is even more pathetic than MisRed thought. He couldn’t swindle anymore better than Vicki? You can’t help with whom you fall in love, but you can help who you choose as a TARGET. And Steve picked Vicki. Hmmmm. Interesting.
You know, Pesos?
Then Kelly goes “Dinero…” Nice nod to Steve’s Faux Latino-ism. Kelly interviews that Steve is a bad guy and he’s hiding something. He’s hiding his hatred for Vicki decently.
The party ends and Tamra tells her kid she can eat whatever she wants. That’s nice of her.
Seemingly the next morning, we are BACK at Tamra’s. Girl- get rid of that Mackenzie-Childs kettle and bain-marie.
Get rid of that. Immediately.
That sh*t does NOT go with your kitchen. This is how we know Eddie is NOT gay!!! No decent homosexual would allow a felony like this to happen directly under his nose. Tamra has a bunch of packages of meat out on the counter. Knowing Tamra, it’s chicken and she’s cooking it in the blandest way imaginable. She’s probably poaching it. Without seasoning.
Anybody else seeing this?
Vicki arrives. What in the actual f*ck is Vicki wearing? Honey, no. Does Vicki own a mirror? Does she have functioning eyeballs? The thing is, MisRed LOVES the actual shirt, but it is grossly unflattering on Vicki. Mostly because Vicki is gross. But she doesn’t belong in a double breasted or wrap ANYTHING.
Vicki calls Tamra PRINCESS. Staaaaaap!!!!
Tamra mentions that Emily is coming over as well. She tells Vicki she missed all of the drama and she’s heard two different stories. Vicki says “I’ll tell you what happened. It’s VERY CLEAR what happened.” This should be good coming from someone who, uh, wasn’t there. She retrieves some papers from her feedbag purse. Oh, Vicki brought receipts. How thoughtful. Interesting they aren’t in a Trapper Keeper with color-coded tabs. She says she thought it was over, but Kelly is still harboring some weird feeling.
The feeling is, uh, betrayal. You might want to look it up, Vick as you seem to BETRAY pretty often.
Vicki says that Steve has favored Michael in the Kelly / Psycho Mike divorce. She says “Page Six contacted my friend. They wanted to know how she met Michael.” The friend TELLS Page Six the whole story and Page Six reached out to Steve.
Which is bullshit. They reached out to Vicki, who doesn’t want to risk talking about the show or storylinef for fear she will be fined by Bravo, so she had Steve talk to them instead.
I do not like them on a train, I do not like them on a plane
I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anyway.
Vicki continues to read. “Actually, Vicki didn’t introduce them. I did. Michael wanted to meet her, and we had them over.”
For people keeping track, we have now heard the following versions: she (Vicki’s “Friend”) wanted to meet Michael, and now we heard he wanted to meet her, we’ve heard they RANDOMLY met at a BBQ. Who knows what is the truth? That’s the problem with Vicki, she is so accustomed to lying, she isn’t capable of being truthful even about something as insignificant as how two people met.
Vicki says, for some reason Kelly believes Steve said something to hurt her feelings. Vicki continues to read aloud from her “receipts” and says that Kelly is over-reacting.
Yes, probably. But Vicki should not have set someone up with Kelly’s ex without informing Kelly. That’s the first issue. The second issue is, Vicki is incapable of admitting any wrong doing even something like this, she is also incapable of doing the right thing- EVER. The third issue (or is this the fourth issue, I’ve lost count) is, Vicki lies about everything, so every topic gets convoluted and nobody knows what really IS true.
Vicki says this has NOTHING to do with Kelly.
But she continues reading “I asked Vicki not to say anything to Kelly because I didn’t think it was our business to tell her. Whether she takes offense to it or not, that’s just the way it is.”
So, this is, I think, the third version of the story. First it was BOTH Michael and the woman who didn’t want Vicki to tell Kelly, then it was just Michael, and now it’s Steve that doesn’t want Kelly told.
Do you smell that? Someone’s pants are on fire. And it ain’t just from her camel toe rubbing too hard.
Vicki says there was nothing derogatory toward Kelly in that statement, he just CLARIFIED it.
Vicki says that Kelly went on and said, “Steve Lodge is a douchebag with his pig of a girlfriend, and I’m 42.”
Well, I mean, Kelly makes a point. She was just clarifying too.
GRANTED… Kelly may have overreacted. MAY HAVE. But why is Steve talking to Page Six in the first place??? Here are two words that will ALWAYS keep you safe and out of trouble: No Comment. That’s the problem. These people are incapable of keeping their mouths shut. They would be terrible criminals.
Vicki galumphs to the door with all the grace of drunk walrus wearing a blindfold to let Emily in.
Yup, you guessed it, another “Hi, Princess.” SHUT UP.
Vicki continues the conversation as a way of roping Emily back into the fray, “Kelly thinks Steve is mad at her and now he doesn’t want anything to do with her.” Chalk up another lie… whoever is keeping score. I don’t think Kelly thinks or cares Steve is mad at her. She just thinks he’s a coward for running away from the conversation Kelly was attempting to start. He, inadvertently, used The Turtle as a diapsid shield.
Except Steve pussed-out before he could even get behind Turtle’s shell.
Emily says Shane doesn’t want to have anything to do with her. MisRed can see that. He’s probably afraid of her. She might flip him over.
Vicki asks if Turtle is upset? Emily says “He doesn’t have time for it. When I left, he was throwing one of the kids’ friends out of the house for being too loud.”
Emily says she regrets not handling the situation in a more reasonable manner. Tamra says that Kelly can push a button- she has experienced it.
Like in Ireland when Kelly said it was no wonder Tamra’s daughter doesn’t talk to her. And then Tamra threatened to kill Kelly.
See, Kelly should be used to it by now. People threaten to kill her, like, once a year MINIMUM.
Emily says that she doesn’t think Kelly will own the stuff she said. Tamra says that if Emily sits down with Kelly and talks to her, Kelly will own her stuff- and she will. We have seen it happen time and time again. Even when she called Shannon a “c*nt,” like 15 minutes later, she was like “You aren’t a c*nt. Of course, you aren’t, I didn’t mean that.”
Tamra says Kelly told her she wants to fix things with Steve. Vicki says “She doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Steve, and I guarantee she wants to see our relationship fold. Because she doesn’t want anyone happy.”
Well, I mean, we are all taking bets on WHEN it will fold. She’s just trying to make sure she wins. And I don’t think it’s true that Kelly doesn’t want anyone to be happy. I don’t think she has an issue with people being happy on her watch. Vicki is just projecting HER stuff onto other people. Remember when she, basically, drove Tamra to divorce Simon?
Now, does Kelly have some ANGER issues? Uh, yeah. FO SHO. Maybe she and Dorinda could get some kind of BOGO program.
Then Tamra does the thing that always gets her in trouble. She, instead of doing any one of the following:
- Being a friend and tuning into Vicki’s relationship and evaluating if there is evidence Steve is, in fact, using Vicki for her money.
- Taking Vicki aside and privately informing her of what Kelly said.
- Not saying ANYTHING.
Tamra does what she does best- she BLURTS it out in the midst of a heated discussion- where Kelly isn’t present to defend herself or to confirm or deny- so now Vicki AND Emily can be mad at Kelly. Stir that shit Tammy Sue. That’s probably what Emily has been smelling.
Tamra says, “Kelly said Steve is only with you for the money.” Vicki says – Of course she said that!!
In Tamra’s interview she says she felt justified in telling Vicki what Kelly said, because the worst thing that can happen- and she ACTUALLY SAID THIS- is for a rumor to go from one person to the next, to the next to the next- she was taking it right to the actual person the rumor involves.
Yes, Tamra, you are such a saint. You are really trying to bring people together, aren’t you?
Back in Tamra’s kitchen, Emily says Vicki makes her own money. Yes. And every man that is with Vicki then spends the money. Then Vicki flies into a rage. Like, a “I don’t have sex with multiple partner’s” rage, a “You don’t ever talk about Brooks like that” rage, a “Why would you send a little family van” rage and says, “HE HAS MONEY!!!”
Don’t pop a vein, Vicki.
Then she does her usual “Shame on her” crap. As if ANYONE who doubts the, oh so obvious, LOVE between Vicki and Steve the CCFL is just crazy?!?!
Donald and Melania have more overt sexual chemistry.
Vicki says shame on Kelly for talking about Vicki’s relationship- and “it’s bullsh*t that everybody’s always after what I have.”
Oh Vicki… a hunchback? a loveless marriage? A neoprene face? A toothless hillbilly who fakes cancer? A little family van? A bouquet of roses you sent to yourself? An ill-fitting red dress? A daughter that despises you so much that she moved across the country to get away from you… TWICE? A relationship that is so obviously fake that everyone can see it but you? Trust me, with the exception of money, nobody wants what you have, Vicki.
Then Vicki says – And by the way, I don’t have that much money. Tamra is like “Brooks took it all.”
It’s Blind Date Night for Shannon!!! Shannon, still with a sprained ankle, wears 7-inch heels on this date! She’s nuts. They flashback to a few days prior when the matchmaker messaged Shannon and was setting her up with a guy named Tom. She shows the profile to Tamra and Tamra says, with distain, “He’s got a lot of cats.”
Shannon is like- WHAT?!!?
No cats allowed.
She pulls up to the restaurant and it appears to be the same driver who dropped her off at Eddie’s party. He’s like “This one again- with the bum foot and the f*ck me pumps?”
At least she isn’t yanking up her drawers in your face this week.
Shannon hobbles out of the car and into the restaurant. Alfredo escorts Shannon to the bar to meet her date, Tom the Cat Lady.
Hi, I love cats.
She apologizes for being late and says, “I think I sprained my ankle.” As if it happened on the way to the restaurant. Tom the Cat Lady is super impressed with Shannon’s ability to have a sprained ankle but still be wearing stilts. Yes, Yes, don’t worry, Shannon is a professional victim.
The offers her his arm to steady herself and they go to their table. Tom the Cat Lady compliments Shannon, telling her how beautiful she is- and she just accepts it. She interviews that she hasn’t received compliments like this in a very long time.
Yeah, that’s because your ex-husband is a disgusting, nasty, aggressive-chips-and-salsa-eating-thunder douche.
Just think. You could still be shackles to this waste of blood.
Surprisingly, on the way to the table, Shannon doesn’t apologize for being fat or anything. She is, almost, human. They sit by a gas fireplace and Shannon asks Alfredo to turn off the fireplace because it’s “very hot.” Tom the Cat Lady is so sweet, he agrees that it’s VERY hot and he was about to take off his jacket. Shannon is like… don’t go taking off your clothes just yet.
LOL. Okay, Okay, clearly someone coached her because she’s doing well.
A different Alfredo comes to the table and takes their drink order. Shannon orders her usual, Tito’s with soda and fresh lime juice. Alfredo looks at her and says “Okay” as if he knows something about Shannon that we don’t.
You think I’m a dick? Okay.
Almost like she NORMALLY orders six 40oz Colt 45s in a brown bag to be delivered to the ladies’ room, stall # 3. I don’t like this Alfredo.
Shannon and Tom the Cat Lady chat and he asks her about her kids and she speaks of them very proudly, mentioning that one of her daughters is a “super athlete.” You know she’s talking about Stella. Tom the Cat Lady says that she sounds like she’s very proud of them. Shannon says, “Oh believe me, they didn’t get it from me!”
Don’t do it. Don’t mention David. David! David? And your 40 to 50 negative thoughts per hour.
But she does well, she casually mentions that her ex-husband likes to exercise.
Then it’s Tom the Cat Lady starts his tale. He says he was married for 30 years, and he spent the first year after his divorce- crying at Sarah McLachlan infomercials for animals in crisis. Just “sitting alone in my house, WEEPING.” Then he admits the alcohol is getting to him…
The look on Shannon’s face is EVERYTHING.
I will remember you… as the Crying Cat Lady
She interviews “I’ve never really been with someone who cries… so…clearly Tom is sensitive.” Then he pulls out his wallet to show photos of his cats.
This is Toonces, and this is Azreal, and this is Morris, and this is Sylvester, and this is Grandpa, and this is Nermal, and this is Grumpy Cat, and this is The Countess Luann, and this is Smokey and this is BooBoo…
Just kidding he never mentions his cats.
The date is a little awkward. And Shannon is not a cat person and litter boxes skeeve her out. Ok, don’t murder Shannon, it’s okay to not like cats. Some people don’t like Cats. Some people don’t like dogs.
MisRed doesn’t like people. And birds.
Sometime later, Steve the CCFL takes Vicki to Harley Davidson to get her “all leathered up.” Not sure I want to see this.
No. No. Pull it down, we can still see her face.
“He buys” Vicki stuff to wear while riding his motorcycle.
Vicki looks like she should be washing clothes in a muddy river.
First golf clubs- a sport she doesn’t play, and now motorcycle garb. What a great gift-giver! He pays for it with a credit card he previously pinched from Vicki’s wallet.
Tamra is packing for Florida. Who cares?
At Emily’s law office- she’s a lawyer, you know, she takes time from her busy poop-smelling schedule to call Kelly and asks her to meet her for a talk. A few minutes later, Gina comes to Emily’s office.
Gina interviews she and her husband, Matt, have been struggling and they have decided to divorce.
Sitting with Emily, Gina confesses to Emily that she is getting divorced and she doesn’t really know how to tell people. Gina says that for the past 6 months, they haven’t been happy and have been fighting and they were forced to look at their relationship and evaluate what to do. Gina didn’t want to wait 5 or 10 years down the road and be going through what Shannon is going through. (Rut-Roh, Shannon will DEFINITELY bring this up at the reunion. “What’s so wrong with being like me, Miss 30 year old?”) Emily tells Gina she needs to do the best thing for she and her family.
Steve the CCFL takes Vicki to some “hole in the wall” Mexican restaurant, and it turns out to be a surprise party for Vicki.
These people are definitely from Central Casting.
SURPRISE!!!! None of Vicki’s friends were invited!!! Michael and his girlfriend, Danielle are there, but the only other guests are Steve’s family.
This is weird.
No Tamra. No Shannon. No Jesus Juggs. No Ricky. No Wretchen. Nada.
But Vicki acts SO surprised!!! He refers to Steve’s Mother, Helga, yes, yes, a FINE Latino name, as “Mom.”
And she hugs Steve’s Aunt, Ursula- another very Latin name- from the old country, you know.
Vicki says it makes her feel SO important. Why? Steve called his family to eat dinner on Vicki’s dime? When someone else is paying? Hell, I’d be there too. Margaritas, and keep ‘em coming, Alfredo!
She says, “People are taking time out of their day, especially my son, to come up and celebrate with me.”
How much do you think Bravo paid him to be present?
That drink probably contains a roofie.
She tells Steve she feels popular. Oh Vicki. You are so pathetic. Steve’s Mom, in a THICK German (?) accent says, “You deserve it.” Clearly, she doesn’t know Vicki very well.
Next, Vicki’s brother Billy comes out carrying two shots of patron to surprise Vicki. She acts shocked.
Vicki’s faces are so not cute. She thinks she is super cute and she just… isn’t. Well I’m glad that someone is there who actually likes Vicki.
Billy has Vicki’s Original Face
Vicki asks Steve if he knew Billy was coming? Steve just smiles. Then Vicki asks Michael if he knew Billy was coming? It turns out Michael is the one who arranged it. And by Michael, I mean “a PA at Bravo.”
Vicki leans over and says to Steve “Iloveyousomuch.” That’s nice. Steve didn’t do anything.
Vicki says “I respect and love my family. My—my—I say “Chavez Lodge. Iloveyousomuch. I wanna be Vicki Chavez.” Oh Jesus. Here we go… Vicki FAKING Latino. Brooks 2.0. She will have a Spanish-to-English Dictionary organized in a Trapper Keeper with color-coded tabs.
Vicki wants to be Erica Kane. Or should I say Erica Kane Martin Brent Cudahay Chandler Montgomery Montgomery Chandler Marick Marick Montgomery. And only because her two marriages to Mike Roy weren’t legal.
Billy comes over and says Vicki didn’t do her shot- so Vicki picks it up, like it’s uranium, and like pretty princess has never done a shot before. She sips it. YES, SIPS IT. She Heather Dubrows it. Then dumps it out and makes the lizard face.
Vicki says she is finally at peace with Steve in her life. Gross. Vicki is someone who changes her personality to fit whoever is in her life. It’s actually quite sad. She says, “I don’t care about stuff. I care about the person.” Uh huh. Billy says- but you would not date a waiter at a restaurant… then Vicki claims “I would date a trash collector if that’s who I fell in love with.” Nice try Vicki. It’s all an act for the Chavez Lodge Family.
And Hey, Trash Collectors make good money!
Billy asks Steve what he thinks? He’s like, I think I’m about 3 digits away from having her full Swiss bank account details- that’s what I think. He says, “She thinks ‘I don’t need another man’s money, so I’m gonna fall in love with somebody I love, not because they have money.’ Unlike some other people we know.”
To whom are they referring? Then Vicki’s interview pops up and she says she thinks Kelly is just trying to figure out a way to hurt her.
Kind of like how she was hurt when you set her ex-husband up on a date and didn’t inform her?
So now Vicki and Steve are saying Kelly was a gold digger when she married Psycho Mike, 13 years ago? Maybe. But it’s a little late to put that toothpaste back in the tube, they are married and divorced. I think what this speaks MORE to is the friend of Vicki’s that wanted to be set up with Psycho Mike. A) She knows he’s a psycho, his testing results were announced by Kelly on this show. B) He isn’t exactly Brad Pitt. C) He hasn’t come off as Prince Charming on the show. Did someone order psychological testing for this chick as well? Did this woman ask to be set up with Brooks too?
On WWHL, Vicki said “Kelly divorced a millionaire in hopes of landing a billionaire.”
Free Lice Dip With Every Combo Platter
Vicki thanks them all for coming and then tries to act cute wearing a lice infested sombrero from the restaurant.
One last surprise: Steve is using Vicki’s credit card to pay the dinner bill. ALLEGEDLY.
Vicki, straight from a Beetlejuice lookalike contest at a local strip mall, meets Shannon at DR. MOON’S office!!!!
Not so fast, round boy. We’re gonna have some laughs.
Now Vicki has a something wrong with her hoof. Of course she does.
They go into Dr. Moon’s office and Shannon asks if he remembers Vicki?
He’s like, how could I forget? I stuck my finger in her butthole and had to leave the practice of medicine for 3 years to recover from the trauma?
Looks like an average horse hoof to me.
Vicki asks him to look at her cankle. He tells her he will hang her upside down from the ceiling, beat her with a stick and that will take care of it. Yeah, I mean, she probably sleeps hanging upside down in closet. That is, if she can’t make it to her coffin before sun-up.
Too much going in. Too much going out.
Dr. Moon gets his paws on Shannon and informs her she has a “mouth problem.” She talks too much and eats too much. Bahahaha. Dr. Moon, evil genius, is brainwashing Shannon.
Shannon says Dr. Moon has, in the past, helped her with emotions that have become STUCK within her. Maybe take off a layer or two of the spanx. “Anger in the liver.” With the amount of vodka Shannon drinks, her liver has a right to be angry. That thing can’t get a break. “Resentment in gallbladder.” Resenting all of those tortilla chips David ate in front of her. “Sadness in the lungs.” Not sure what that’s about unless David had been holding a pillow over her face at night which is a distinct possibility.
Dr. Moon looks at Shannon’s ankle, he locates her pain in her ankle and says that he can treat its counterpoint in her wrist.
Vicki is in UTTER DISBELIEF that he would do something to her wrist to heal her ankle. Did Vicki take High School Biology? Clearly, Vicki doesn’t realize that inside the body… it’s all f*cking connected. She is so dumb. Although she’s had so much plastic surgery, the inside of her body looks like a bowl of ramen noodles.
Dr. Moon loves to f*ck with Shannon and torture her. It’s hysterical.
Vicki gets on the table and Dr. Moon tells her she has “sadness issues.” “You have anger in the past.” Vicki is like – yeah, I was lied to and stolen from. Oh Vicki. Gimme a break. “It gave you stress to your liver. That LODGE in your liver, it didn’t leave.” LOL Lodge!!!!! Dr. Moon needs to be a permanent fixture- I love this little guy. Shannon is laughing.
Flashback to Tamra and Vicki in the car, and Tamra saying that she saw Brooks got married and he looked old. Vicki said “Well he’s very very sick. With cancer.” Tamra laughs like an imbecile. Glad Vicki thinks it’s funny and something to joke about- faking cancer and lying to people. Pig.
Dr. Moon pokes and prods Vicki and she hoots and hollers and Dr. Moon just laughs.
We go to Gina’s house. She calls her mom on FaceTime and breaks the news to her that she and her husband are divorcing. Not too much else to say about this scene. Gina is obviously, upset and she’s revealing the most in this scene because she’s talking to her mother.
Something in their relationship changed when they moved to California and now that they are living separately due to his job, they are realizing that their relationship isn’t working. Gina says, “It’s a death from 1,000 paper cuts.” Gina just isn’t sure if this is the best thing for her family and she worries she may regret it. It’s very sad. MisRed can be brutal, and she can make fun of a lot, but MisRed can’t find a lot to joke about in this scene.
Emily arrives at the Madison Square & Garden Café. She forgot her pants at home.
Turtle probably threw them out for looking at him the wrong way.
She is meeting Kelly for their sit down.
Emily interviews she is willing to meet with Kelly and to apologize for her part in the blow out. We flashback to the previous day when Emily, meeting with her therapist, informed the therapist that she told Kelly she was going to kill her. She claims she’s never said that to anyone before.
She orders a cappuccino from Alfredo and waits for Kelly. Kelly is late because she had to scoop up one of Tom’s cats to wear around her neck.
Rest in Peace, Grumpy Cat
Emily says Kelly said things that were out of line, Emily reacted with things that were out of line and Emily thinks Turtle was caught in the middle. Kelly asks to explain her side. She says she felt Turtle was sticking up for Steve and she didn’t like it. And when Turtle accused her of being drunk, she saw RED. It was probably all of those stupid jumpsuits!!
Emily says she understands Turtle said something to upset her or to make Kelly mad, but Emily doesn’t appreciate the name-calling- this is what set her off. She continues, Kelly had every right to say something- I disagree with you- I don’t like what you are saying, but the name calling is what set Emily off. Kelly says she probably wouldn’t have reacted that way if she knew the Turtle was Emily’s husband.
Emily says, in fairness, you probably shouldn’t say those things to anyone. Kelly is like- yeah and you shouldn’t tell people that you will kill them. Emily is like- Touche. Emily says she as wrong to threaten Kelly’s life and they both apologize to one another.
That’s the thing about Kelly. She has very clear hindsight. A lot of people will, alter their story in hindsight, to show them in a better light. Kelly doesn’t do that. She’s like The Hulk or something.
Shannon, Tamra, Gina and Emily meet for dinner. Tamra has just returned from Florida. Good. We didn’t actually care she went. The girls want to know what is going on with Shannon’s matchmaker? Shannon says she went on a date and it was fine, but the matchmaker has more people for her to meet.
Besides, Tom.Tom!Tom? doesn’t have the same ring as David.David!David?
I’m going to tell a 25 minute story before I get down to brass tacks.
Gina chimes in saying what she finds interesting about Shannon’s “story” is her date was married for 30 years and then one day he and his wife realized they weren’t meant for each other. She uses this to segue into letting them know she is getting divorced. She says the “space”- meaning the fact that he works and lives separately- made them realize their marriage wasn’t working. Tamra asks why Matt doesn’t move home? Gina replies that he has to have a job. Tamra says nobody ever got divorced over a job!! Gina tries to explain it’s more than that- they got married really young and they are great friends, but they just aren’t in love. She still thinks he’s totally hot… the other women are confused. Emily says she doesn’t want Gina to regret this later. Gina thinks she is making a good decision before it turns into a bad situation.
Shannon tells Gina she likes her optimism- she had it too and had planned to do everything as fairly and as amicably as possible, but when it comes down to how everything is going to be split… Gina interrupts and says she KNOWS that won’t happen in her situation. She says, “Matt is my best friend, and we will be best friends for the rest of our lives.”
I judge thee, Gina.
Shannon whips out the judgy eyes … Shannon interviews that she is going through a divorce she did not want. And given that Gina has three young kids it would be nice if Gina worked a little harder to keep her family together.
Divorce is an individualized situation. There is no cookie cutter marriage and there is no cookie cutter divorce. Nobody knows what goes on in a marriage except the people IN the marriage, so it’s unfair for Shannon to judge. Frankly, Shannon probably should never have married David.
Tamra tells Gina they are all there for her and she doesn’t want Gina to think they are judging her in any way. Gina says she truly appreciates their wisdom. She interviews all of these women have been through divorces and break-ups and maybe her telling them about her situation is her looking for validation that what she is doing is okay?
Well, Gina needs to KNOW what she is going is ok. She can’t kind of think it might be the right thing to do.
Shannon says she saw Vicki over the weekend and Vicki is VERY upset about Gina’s situation. Uh, why is Vicki upset? She’s known Gina for, roughly, 11 seconds.
Gina says she appreciates Vicki’s concern, but Vicki’s relationship sh*t the bed so now she can have regret about it and Gina understands that, but Gina doesn’t think Vicki should have that regret. She means that- relationships end and it shouldn’t necessarily be something one regrets.
Tamra says that (in her relationship with Brooks) was the last time Vicki was truly happy. When she was with a lying, cheating swindler. Again, Vicki is such a great judge of character.
Gina says Vicki is happy now…with Steve. Tamra is like… she doesn’t love that guy. Shannon just giggles.
Tee heee, Vicki sucks.
Tamra says when she was talking to the Matchmaker about Shannon, Vicki told the Matchmaker she wanted to talk to her for herself.
Shannon tells them they went to Dr. Moon, and not only did Dr. Moon poke Vicki’s butthole, he did some muscle testing for emotion and found she has a lot of anger. Anger specifically toward Brooks.
Eh, that’s crap. I think if Brooks wanted her back tomorrow she would drop Steve and the Chavez Lodge contingent and even her own family and go right back to that toothless, lying, cancer-faking hillbilly with his cheesy bullsh*t daily affirmations.
Tamra says she warned Vicki repeatedly about Brooks and instead of thinking Tamra had her best interest at heart (Shannon too), Vicki, instead, attacked Tamra’s marriage and family. Shannon’s too, to some degree.
Gina says Vicki is so sweet to her and she feels Vicki’s maternal side- she “just hasn’t been burnt by the other side, yet.” Shannon says it’s not a fun side to be on. Tamra says when someone who is in a bad relationship comes and attacks your relationship, it sucks.
Tamra says she missed the whole Kelly and Turtle drama. Why is she bringing this up again? Emily says she met with Kelly and it was good and they apologized. Shannon says Kelly does tend to go for the jugular, so she was telling Kelly that evening that she didn’t need to go about speaking to Steve in a confrontational manner. She says Kelly was practicing ways she could have a conversation with Steve that was mature but could still relay her feelings.
Gina says she can understand Shannon and Kelly rehearsed the convo, but Shannon KNOWS Kelly and she knows how Kelly is and sending her into a situation when other people or turtles present wasn’t the best idea. And if Kelly had been Gina’s friend, she would have advised her to NOT have that conversation that night.
Oh sh*t. Shannon has been second-guessed. Shannon doesn’t like to be second-guessed.
You won’t like me when I’m angry.
Maybe Shannon is The Hulk.
Shannon says she knows Kelly better than Gina does. Gina is like- Well I broke up a fight, so was it a great outcome? Shannon says, “She relayed her feelings and that’s a positive step.”
Ok, Dr. Joyce Brothers… she also called the Turtle a dork, a twerp, a little bitch and a pussy. Oh, and a loser.
For sure. A top night.
Gina says, “I guess you are right, it was a positive night.” Lol. Shannon says Gina is being very sarcastic. Gina is like- YEAH- IT WAS INSANE!!!
Shannon says, “Maybe you shouldn’t judge, Gina.” Hahahahaaha.
J U D G E E. EYES
Oh Shannon, you are the pot calling the kettle black. Speaking of pots, Gina tells Shannon is she is going to stir the pot, she should, at least own it.
IT’S NOT MY F*CKING POT!!!!
Shannon refuses to admit she is stirring the pot and Gina should really be looking at Emily who threatened to KILL someone… but Shannon is the one being blamed? Tamra sticks up for Shannon, but Gina says she feels bad for Kelly because everyone knows Kelly is a hot head. Yes, let’s feel sorry for Kelly. That makes perfect sense.
Gina isn’t judging she’s just having a difference of opinion.
Next week… there is drama between Kelly / Tamra and Vicki with regard to Steve.
It appears that Kelly and The Turtle have a sit down.
The Face of a Peacemaker
Not sure if it’s in his tank or elsewhere. But Turtle, as always, looks super friendly. Vicki has some event and flirt with the Chef or someone in a cheesy fedora. Who cares? Vicki is a garbage person.
Then we get this flash of Vicki saying “You went in front of God and said, “I will marry you, Till death do us part.” Gina saying – I don’t even believe in God. Vicki continuing “You don’t have a moral compass inside your soul?”
So can we assume Vicki gets struck my lightening next week for being the most disgusting hypocrite known to man?
MisRed will save her FULL tirade for next week but know Vicki is TRASH. She is the type of person that CLAIMS to be a “good Christian” but doesn’t have the f*cking receipts to back it up. Multiple divorces, infidelity, immoral behavior, this bitch breaks almost every commandment out there (and some that Moses f*cking dropped and broke on his way up the mount) and she is going to JUDGE anything ANYONE does??
Nope. Not today.
Jesus. God and Baby Jesus. These women are cray. What kind of surprise party was that? Is Matt going to get half of the Home Good Clearance in that house? Are we never going to find out HOW many cats Tom the Cat Lady has? Imagine Archie in a house of cats?
Speaking of Archie, I apologize this recap was late. The oldest member of my support staff, Javelin (age 14+) had to have surgery yesterday and MrRed is out of town. So, I had a lot more “nurse duty” than I expected. Although, I’m beginning to think all of this was a ploy to get cold cuts because he is REFUSING regular dog food, but gobbling down ham and turkey like it’s his full-time job.
He reminds me of that AWFUL guest from Below Deck Med- Areca (T)watmore. Plus he’s already wearing his life preserver. Safety first.
What is this slop?
Thank you guys for all of your support and your AMAZING COMMENTS. xoxox
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