Hi trash! Can I just start out by saying how the hell had nobody grabbed this show before me?! It’s incredible. I love finding out who the editors hate, and this week: it’s Brandi. I know this because the episode starts out with…
30 seconds of Cary and Zuri being cute.
30 seconds of Stephanie’s son telling her how great and pretty she is.
30 seconds of Brandi’s children screaming and hitting her with pillows.
Luckily, we cut out the kid nonsense and move onto the real cast. I realized something important while watching this week. The best housewives are wives that inspire drag. I’m not saying LeeAnne, Kameron, or D’Andra look like drag queens, BUT… what queen would find any fun in performing as Cary? I stopped my tv three times to exclaim how much I love D’Andra’s outfit she wore to LeeAnne’s speech. That fucking VEST she’s like a beautiful combo of That 70’s Show and Fred from Scooby Doo. She’s becoming my absolute favorite. I haven’t been liking Kameron much, but I will say, I’m coming around. She’s at least becoming more entertaining. I really appreciate when a housewives show splits into very clear alliances, which is why this already great season shows so much promise.
It’s genuinely difficult for me at this point to decide which LeeAnne face to save.
Back on the Real Drag Queens of Dallas, LeeAnne is about to give a motivational speech and the ladies (on her team) have come to support her. She gives what was probably a nice speech that got edited weirdly, and everyone feels moved. And then a gay finds her and weirdly brings up Cary in a very confusing way. D’Andra (queen of queens) calls out this bullshit of doing this inspirational thing and then immediately calling someone a cunt. Kameron stands and nods with pursed lips in support. I have a feeling Kameron is feeling out her place in the show, and how she can work it to her angle best. If that’s the case, I respect it. If not, you might actually be dumb. I want you to be smart Kameron! You can’t just say you play dumb but you’re really smart, you gotta SHOW US!
Unfortunately this brings us to dinner at Mark and Cary’s house. Kameron and Court are coming over for what seems to be the only connecting thread between the two alliances. I’ve been trying to give Mark the benefit of the doubt because I thought he was just a shady queen in a fun way, but no. He’s a dick. Kameron’s Suess faces make for a nice attempt at a break in tension, but it’s not enough. Fucking reeeeally, Mark? You’re mad that your wife wants to spend time with your daughter, then you’re mad that she won’t single-handedly deal with her every tantrum? You could try looking our daughter in the eyes once, maybe? Have we even seen that happen? If he’s willing to be that much of an ass with cameras around, I can only imagine it being much worse when they aren’t filming. Jeez.
A real life Laura Bell Bundy character.
Before Cary takes Zuri to bed, the Honest-Tea party is brought up for exposition. Cary needed to bring this up on camera for the viewers at home, Mark! This is her job!
LeeAnne and Rich go to the fair…. is it Rick or Rich? Every episode I wonder, look it up, say I’ll remember, then I don’t. Whatever his name is, I like him. I think he and LeeAnne are good for each other. Okay she just said it, it’s RICH. Help me remember that, please. So they are at the carnival and she’s of course telling him how to win all of the games and reliving her carnie childhood. There isn’t really much to write about all of this, because it was actually kind of sweet. LeeAnne’s outfit was super hot and I mean that in both meanings of the word. I live in Oklahoma and it’s hot. I would never wear that outfit the the State Fair. She’s really reinvented her fashion this year as well. Middle part and all. I don’t really remember much of what she wore last season, but I’m just picturing a really red blazer and someone that looks like a mom on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Now she’s dressing more like a sexy adult snake with a middle part. I’m here for it. And I’m also here for Rich wearing an old beige polo because I’m flexible. I hope they get married next season on the show. Give her the season wedding arc she deserves.
D’Andra is getting ready for her Honest-Tea and I’m SCREAMING at her look!! This bitch is truly wearing a leopard robe with her hair in curlers. The best part about this is that I believe it to be totally genuine. I truly believe that’s how she spends most mornings. It was difficult for me to even get a picture of her look because she was busy racing around the house. Getting shit done. She’s becoming one of my favorite housewives of any franchise. She reminds me of some of the sweet Oklahoma mom-types around me growing up. LeeAnne says she doesn’t want to tell anyone that she’s engaged, which seems odd. I’d have pegged her for more of a shout it from the rooftops type. But oh well, I’m sure there will be a good payoff.
The Real Basics of Dallas are getting ready for the Tea now. I should say: I don’t hate Brandi, Stephanie, or Cary. Yet, I guess. I don’t think they are mean girls. I just think to be on this show you’ve gotta have a little mean girl in you. A Little LeeAnne of your own. I think they’re probably good, supportive friends who sometimes do shitty things and throw people under the bus (Brandi), but at te end of the day I don’t believe any of it was intended to be hurtful. I’m not sure they really think that way. Being friends with them is probably fun and real, aside from whisper crying. I think the other half is more fun. I also think Brandi is dressed like a Bratz Doll. Another thing I love about this show is how scary the music has been lately. They’re getting ready and chattering (a thing Cary supposedly hates) while Cary basically mumbles something like “Kameron flerm ha jus dossn think yew have much in commun” and the music goes goes True Crime with this:
Back at D’Andra’s, the drag team is waiting on the rest of the ladies to arrive. A favorite moment was a quick shot of LeeAnne’s slowly making her way down steps and saying “I. Hate. Stayyyurs.” Kameron tells us ll what the proper attire is for a classy event such as this, and the one breaking the rules? Brandi. And I’m not hating on her fir her look- my main issue was the Kyle Richards factor of it being two sizes too small. D’Andra has stocked up on finger foods for everyone before we sit down. Brandi starts out “pulling Kameron aside” … in front of everyone.. and giving her a gift. A nice idea, very poorly executed. They get into the gift issue and Kameron gets mad at Brandi for saying fuck. Oh, come onnnn Kameron I’m just starting to like you! I’m even on your side in this stupid stupid fight about pink sparkly gift bags!
D’Andra has a rhinestone gavel and makes me scream again with her reading glasses! I feel such a familiar love for her. The first question she reads is about LeeAnne not being invited to Bratzi’s house, which is basically every question. Everyone asks Brandi why she dumped LeeAnne and her reaction is to start crying about how much she loves Stephanie and avoid answering the question. Kameron and Brandi get into it, and Brandi tries to leave out of pure jealousy that her facial expressions will never come close to Kameron’s.
Cary asks a question about a rumor Brandi herd at a dogwash. She also confesses that she can’t write.
Someone at a dogwash told Brandi that LeeAnne wasn’t her friend.
LeeAnne says it’s just a rumor.
Cary says “No, those kinds of things aren’t rumors”.
Brandi says ” He also told me Mark was definitely gay.”
Cary says “lol LeeAnne well clearly this guy is full of shit let’s resolve that!”
Cary actually looks genuinely sad and it’s kind of funny to watch her turn so transparently, but it’s also definitely sad. She looks really upset. And who can blame her. He’s already an asshole, and now ther are idiotic gay rumors going around, that I’m sure she’s herd many times. I’m so sick of Housewive’s accusing husbands of being gay. It’s boring and offense. Cary had the totally correct response to it. Let this be the fucking end of it, please. Also brandi don’t act like you’re a saint for shutting down this rumor. Chill.
The episode takes a fantastic turn with D’Andra not being able to read any of the questions and making this face:
Brandi asks LeeAnne if she’s getting her face done by a vagina doctor and this is a weird fight but once again, it comes back to Cary? Is she a snake in the grass? If so, I don’t even think she’s doing it on purpose. But I am starting to suspect her. LeeAnne tries to call this out and goes too far by calling her a cunt. Shouldn’t have given her that fuel, LeeAnne! You know I love you! If she’s the snake, she will reveal herself, I promise. Let her do it to herself!
LeeAnne vs Stephanie happens and she starts off making a good point, that she watched randi cry… and then she says “My mother” and nobody is having it ESPECIALLY not D’Andra. This is absolutely hysterical. Also, Stephanie, you forgot the sandpaper. Brandi and LeeAnne have a weird threesome with Cary’s arm and this all has me cackling. Brandi says “it touched my heart so much that you care that I didn’t bring you to Memphis!” HAHAHAHAHA translation “it made me so happy that you actually cared about me being a bitch to you!”
Final question D’Andra reads is “What is your favorite vacation spot” thrown in there by Kameron to break the ice, which is hilarious. Or maybe she just didn’t understand the game and really wanted to know. Or maybe she has beef with one of the ladies about their favorite vacation spot. There are so many possibilities with her. I’m beginning to get excited about them. Or maybe, this is us transitioning into introducing the season trip to Mexico!! Everyone is invited this time, and it looks like it’s going to be absolutely fucking wild. Including a Robert Durst moment with LeeAnne. I can’t wait to watch it! See you guys then. Also, I feel like I cannot do this show justice without doing all of their voices. Would anybody listen if I did a podcast? About Dllas of course, and other Bravo shows? I did one on Sweet Home Oklahoma and loved it. That is a real question so let me know, I love you all!