Trashies! We made it! This was the longest season of Bachelor in Paradise that’s ever happened. And it’s just about over. I’m so excited. Anyway, we open this week still talking about Shushanna possibly being a witch and burning Kamil’s photo. That conversation ends quickly as we get a recap of the other established couples before John finds a date card for Jordan. He and Jenna are going on a photo shoot. Did you guys know that Jordan is a model? I had no idea! Anyway, it’s a faux engagement shoot followed by some fake wedding photos where we watch Jenna freak out about having to wear a wedding dress.
These shoot is super awkward in light of recent events.
Ugh, Robby (Jojo) comes in. He thinks we know him from his social media influencing. I wonder if Kamil is excited to meet a social media influencer. I mean, as a social media participant, this is what he aspires to! The highly teased “model showdown” between Robby and Jordan never actually happens. In fact, I’m pretty sure they don’t even talk to one another. In the end, Shushanna goes out with Robby because she’s the only person available.
I’m fairly certain Robby’s hair hasn’t moved since Jojo’s season.
Since literally nothing interesting on the date, we get to watch everyone else talk about how Robby cheated on Amanda. Also, we have to watch more happy couple footage where Cassandra asks Kiwi Jordan to make a move and he does. That was a waste of time. After that, it’s time for the beginning of the end with Joe and Kendall. They’re making out and he decides to bring up the idea of getting engaged at the end of this. This freaks Kendall out and she decides to go collect her thoughts for a while after he admits that he’s absolutely serious about this. I kind of don’t blame Kendall for freaking out. It’s been all of two weeks – tops. Remember when everyone rallied around Peter when he didn’t want to propose to Rachel after six weeks? Now everyone is sending Kendall all sorts of hate for basically being exactly the same. Bachelor Nation can be very weird when it comes to a good looking and charming man.
How’s the weather high on the pedestal, Joe?
It’s a rose ceremony day, but first we have to see more Joe and Kendall drama (but not before Diggy brings in a trumpet player for Olivia and John stealing her away). Anyway, it’s a big fight that simply boils down to these two not knowing how to communicate with one another. In the end, they break up and both go home. So, let’s get right to the rose ceremony. The only kind of unknown is Olivia since she likes both John and Diggy.
Cassandra gives her rose to Kiwi Jordan
Shushanna gives her rose to Robby
Annaliese gives her rose to Kamil
Astrid gives her rose to Kevin
Krystal gives her rose to Chris (and her baby voice is back!)
Jenna gives her rose to American Jordan
Olivia gives her rose to John
That means Diggy is leaving. At least he gets to take the trumpet player with him.
Diggy trying not to laugh is my favorite thing ever.
The next morning, it’s time for the super serious “are we going to break up or get engaged right the fuck now?” conversations. I never understand this. Why do they have to decide to be 100% committed to one another in order to go into the fantasy suites? Why can’t they just say, “Hey, we totally want to sleep in an air conditioned room. Wanna do that and maybe see what happens if we try to date in the real world?”
The first chat is John and Olivia. Together, they decide that it’s too soon to make a commitment, so they decide to leave still dating one another to see how things shake out in the real world. Cassandra and Kiwi Jordan are up next. She wants to continue, but he doesn’t. I can just hear him thinking, “You know I live on the literal other side of the world, right?” Anyway, they break up. Robby and Shushanna have a similar breakup. He says that they’ll still hang out and he’ll take her to dinner if he’s ever in Utah. No one actually thinks this will happen, right? Let’s get right to the couples that we actually kind of care about.
Obviously Jordan and Jenna and Chris and Crystal decide to continue their relationships. Kamil and Annaliese decide to go to the fantasy suite together and he couldn’t look less interested if he tried.
He looks like he wants to be anywhere else.
And now it’s time for the Kevin and Astrid breakup. I’m kind of over Kevin’s shit at this point. I love that Astrid doesn’t beg him to stay. She just says, “OK, fine” and walks away. I love it when people handle breakups with maturity on this show. With that, they both leave.
We get some really uncomfortable footage from the fantasy suite dates that includes Krystal running a feather down Chris’ chest, so let’s just skip right to the next day. It’s time for all of the final roses and/or proposals.
Annaliese and Kamil
Obviously, Annaliese is expecting a proposal from Kamil. He tells her that he wants to continue to be with her, but he doesn’t want to get engaged right now. Despite what we all know, Annaliese tells him that she 100% agrees that they’re not ready.
No, she doesn’t.
Jenna and Jordan
Yep, they get engaged. That didn’t last long.
Krystal and Chris
They get engaged too. Chris is, of course, an ass hole about it and tries to trick Krystal into thinking he’s dumping her. I just roll my eyes. A lot.
So, let’s get to the live updates. First, there’s a lot of fighting with American Jordan and Benoit. Look, I know everyone loves him after watching this season and we’re all supposed to be rallying around him after Jenna’s text messages were made public, but I just can’t with this guy. He’s like a joke that just got repeated way too many times. I honestly just find him annoying and exhausting. Oh, and Eric is still trying to rewrite history with Angela. I’m so sad that Eric turned out to be kind of a dick. It’s fine. Angela is dating Clay now.
Girl definitely upgraded.
So, updates: Astrid and Kevin are back together. Joe and Kendall are back together as well and he’s going to be on Dancing With the Stars. I looked at the cast this season. Joe is one of two people I recognize. Congrats on being one of the most famous D-listers, Joe!
The main drama of the night is the Annaliese and Kamil breakup. I love that he says, “I wish I wasn’t doing it this way.” I don’t think you can say that as you’re actually doing the thing. Honestly, this guy has always been a douchebag, and Annaliese was just desperate and delusional. Kamil also complains that he looks like a douchebag on TV again. Well, maybe if you didn’t act like a douchebag, you wouldn’t look like one on TV.
The least surprising thing in Bachelor Nation history.
Jenna and Jordan come out next. They’ve set a wedding date for next year on Paradise and they want Chris Harrison to officiate. I guess that won’t be happening now.
So, yeah, Chris and Krystal. That’s a thing. OK, then. Are we supposed to root for them? Oh, and Chris Harrison gives them a gift.
Get it? ‘Cause her name sounds like “crystal” and he calls himself “Goose” for some reason.
Bloopers are just things falling over and John and Olivia fighting with seatbelts.
So, that brings us to the end of another season! Thanks for sticking through it with me. I’ll be back on 7 January for another season of The Bachelor. Get the wine ready – we’ll need it to deal with Colton!
Until then, Trashies.
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