The Muse – This Movie Makes Me Not Proud to be an American
Happy 9/11 you guys! Did you hear about this abortion that Hollywood – and Charlie Sheen – is shoving down our eyeholes? If not, here’s a great review about the 9/11 movie (creatively titled 9/11) that no one asked for. nevr 4get kissy emoji xoxo plane emoji building emoji two girls dancing emoji
Just Jared – Have You Ever Cried and Puked at the Same Time?
Speaking of national tragedies, and movies, and movies that are themselves national tragedies, here’s the teaser for Fifty Shades Freed, the romantic and slap-happy comedic saga that romanticizes domestic abuse and packs in a whole sticky wad of shitty BDSM scenes that promises fun for the whole family! This stupid nuptial nightmare, per usual, will debut on Valentine’s Day, so if you’re looking for a healthy time window to break up with your lover I guess that’s your chance. And as the teaser condescendingly promises, “TR A IL E R DR OP S IN N O V EM B ER” — [slow exhale, sexy smoke]
Watch below as a mentally handicapped 22-year-old creams herself over the fact that her new psychopathic husband owns a sizable fraction of the world’s GDP. “All that I have is now yours,” Christian promises in his vows. Not shown: Anastasia’s eyes comically popping into green glittery dollar signs as her tongue lolls out of her mouth (shortly before gobbling up Christian’s dick, because this is conjugal servitude here, not, like, a respectful marriage! LOL)
Page Six – Have I Ever Loved a Headline More?
No, I don’t think I have. Apparently my hero Scott Disick showed up to the Harper’s Bazaar Icons event at NYFW with his common-law sister-in-law and bane-of-his-existence Kim Kardashian (who continues to make… provocative fashion choices) but moped the whole time by himself. If you don’t count his two body guards and a brief, flitty visit from his on-again-off-again tweenage slam piece Bella Thorne. It’s OK, Scott! Come back to my place. We’ll drink all you want and then we can roleplay a fun game of fiefdom where you’re my lord and I’m your vassal, trying to pay my lease by any means necessary.
I wubb you, Scott. Please stop hanging out with children.
Jezebel – Jim Carrey Has Officially Checked Out and I Am Loving It
Speaking of the vacuous circus that is Fashion Week – and the stupid Harper’s Bazaar thing – Jim Carrey thinks it’s allllll bullshit, dude. When interviewed by E! correspondent Catt Saddler (poor girl), Carey just delivered a few existential gems on the emptiness of branding, cults of personality, and the shallow celebration of an image-conscious culture:
- “You gotta admit, it’s completely meaningless”
- “Celebrating icons, that is just the lowest aiming possibility we can come up with. It’s like icons. Do you believe in icons? I don’t believe in personalities. I don’t believe you exist. But there is a wonderful fragrance in the air.”
- “I believe we’re a field of energy dancing for itself. And, uh… I don’t care.”
- “I didn’t get dressed up, there is no me. There is just things happening and there are clusters of tetrahedrons moving around together.”
- “It’s not our world. We don’t matter. There’s the good news.”
Next time my boss asks me about what I’ve done today, I’m just going to take a page from Jim Carey and start prattling on about clusters of tetrahedrons. Since THERE IS NO ME. And WE DON’T MATTER. And YOU DON’T EXIST, BILL. Here’s the interview in all its glory, if you want to watch it on YouTube and chortle at the inconsequential nonsense of life.
TMZ – Screw Hurricanes, Man
On a bad note, as you know, Hurricane Irma is currently wreaking havoc on Florida as part of what seems to be Earth’s big “fuck you” to climate change deniers. She already tore through the Caribbean, laying devastation to many islands including the one belonging to wacky cartoon billionaire Richard Branson – Necker Island. Branson reports that he and his crew stayed safe in the wine cellar (safe… and LIT, BABY!), but along with catastrophic damage to the property there were “some animal casualties,” which makes me go like this. See Branson’s Instagram feed for more. The good news is that along with being a total mental person, Branson is also a very good dude and set up an impromptu veterinary hospital for all the poor little lemurs with broken legs or whatever. So hopefully Necker Island and its zoological friends will be up and running again soon, because if Cribs ever comes back (god, I hope it does), we need more moments like this:
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!