Oh god. Here we are again. Back in the OC. And Shannon confrontation continues. If you will recall, there was a conversation amongst some of the women who had concerns for Emily’s marriage because Turtle a) threw Gina out of the poker party and b) Emily felt she had to leave happy hour early or Turtle would be mad. Gina told Emily about the conversation and how Shannon related it back to her marriage to David. This, in turn, was twisted, by Emily, to “Shannon said Emily was in an abusive relationship.”
You said my husband was abusive … also, I smell poo.
And if there is one thing that sticks in Shannon’s craw- even more than NACHOS- it’s someone saying Shannon said or did something she didn’t say. Hell, she even gets pissed when she did say or do that thing the person said. But that’s a story for late.
Net/Net- Tamra, in a drunken stupor, upsets Shannon and basically says she doesn’t care about how Shannon feels and Shannon storms out. Haha Shannon Storms. That’s her maiden name.
So that’s where we are.
Gina, Emily, Vicki return to the table at the Golf Course. Tamra is “upset” because nobody should attack someone else’s husband- “It’s hurtful, betch.” Vicki did it to Eddie the previous year and Tamra doesn’t want to see the same thing happen to Emily.
Check the courts, I currently have a case pending.
Well, considering it’s usually Tamra going after the husbands, everyone should be safe.
Kelly goes after Shannon.
Can you let me in, Shannon? I have the trots and I’m wearing white…
She encourages Shannon to confront Tamra about the situation because there is obviously something deeper going on here.
Back at the table, Tamra says “Emily is a hard-working woman. She doesn’t need her husband to live!” Uh… what does that even mean? I mean, I know what it means- most people don’t really stay with someone for sheer survival purposes. Unless it’s a Zombie Apocalypse situation and I’ve already resigned myself to death if that’s the situation at hand. Because:
Ohhhh, it’s about money.
Okay, so Tamra didn’t ask for or receive any money from Simon when she divorced him, but Shannon IS getting money, and a great deal of it, from David. Got it. Tammy Sue is jealous.
Yeah. I’m a lawyer and I can make more money than him. Also… I smell poo.
Emily says that Tamra is right- she can make more money than The Turtle. Vicki is all “That’s my girl! That’s my girl!” Shut up, Vicki.
YASSSS GIRL!!! When you divorce you can pay him palimony like I was force to pay Donn!!
When you date a man that doesn’t have irredeemable flaws- call us. Until then, Shut up.
Shannon comes back to the table, and is clearly upset. Tamra is like- I don’t want you to be mad at me, betch. Shannon says “You just told me you didn’t care about my feelings.” Tamra denies she said this. I swear to God, these shows really need instant replay.
Shannon leans over to Emily and says that she is getting sucked into a situation- and she never said the word “abuse.” Meanwhile, Emily sits there with her “I smell poo” face.
Tamra interrupts and says that Shannon is making it about herself. Shut up, Tamra. When we need you, we’ll call you. And we lost your number.
Shannon interviews that it was a SUPER hard week for her, in terms of her divorce, which, you know she says, probably, every week. And not for nothing- EVERYONE at the table said stuff about Emily’s marriage, it wasn’t just Shannon, and she doesn’t see why she is on the hook for it?
We flash back to the night in question. The girls are discussing The Turtle throwing Gina out of the house and Shannon saying that it reminds her of something David might have done. Tamra even says “Well, it makes you think, what kind of husband is he?
Tamra plants the seed… then lets her betch flower ensnare everyone…
Shannon was relating the situation back to herself and Tamra was speculating as to the kind of husband The Turtle is.
Vicki tries to diffuse the situation, which is a new role for her, saying that Shannon and Tamra are best friends, yada yada yada and they shouldn’t fight. Shannon says she is devastated.
Shannon really does know how to trowel it on thick doesn’t she?
Tamra, who is wasted I might add, says that she was ONLY saying that she feels bad for Emily.
Vicki is like… it’s time for cake. Oh, so that’s why she’s trying to squash the fight, big girl wants her cake.
Hey, I’m right there with you. In fact, I’m pretty sure most wars could have been ended if someone had just brought out some cake.
Let’s burn this mother TO THE GROUND!!
Vicki ordered TWO cakes! Well because it’s Shannon’s birthday too, but they only celebrate it when they aren’t in a bloodfeud. Understood. The only thing better than one cake is two cakes.
Kelly suggests they stop arguing and Tamra says- insincerely- “Okaaaay. Happy Birthday!” and drunkenly raises her glass to toast the birthday girls.
Vicki interviews “It’s like herding cats with these women.” Wow. Vicki actually used a phrase correctly. Amazing.
Vicki’s latest face REALLY triggers MisRed
“Why do we always have to have problems when we get together? I’m just gonna eat my cake and pretend everything is okay.”
The group disbands. Gina and Emily need to pick up their spawn, and Kelly needs to get Jolie. Great idea as everyone has been DRINKING.
SIDEBAR: Did y’all see the Kelly family meltdown on Social Media? Holy Good Jesus. A) Kelly should have social media revoked- she’s like Trump- she should not be allowed to tweet or post. B) The accusations on both sides, Kelly vs her brother vs that lopsided bag of hair (her mom) are CRAY!! C) The side accusations that these women are all actors and the REAL Kelly Dodd is someone else. Not sure where that even wound up, but it was a little nutzo, and made MisRed feel ALL dirty reading it.
Shannon remains at the table sulking.
I’m just going to sit here and stare at my birthday cake.
Tamra goes off with Vicki to go to the bathroom. In her interview, she says that she is drunk, and she really doesn’t even care about the Emily and Shane situation, but Shannon just makes everything about her. She says, Shannon is just like “Poor me, Poor me, Poor me!” Yeah, well she has to pay for water now. “What about everybody else?”
LOL. Oh Tamra. You all make everything about yourselves. AND you are the one sitting at the table saying how you don’t attack one’s husband and how it had been done to you. Shannon was just defending herself against a false accusation of her saying something she didn’t say.
In the club house, Vicki and Tamra meet up with Steve The Faux Latino Crooked Cop. When Vicki and Steve started dating Tamra still hated Vicki, so she doesn’t know Steve that well.
Psst, Tams, let MisRed break it down for you. Steve Lodge is a retired crooked cop. He ran for some public office in Anaheim, but because there was a lack of Latino representation in government in Anaheim, he ran under the name Steve Chavez. The guys middle name is Chavez, but still it’s a little shady. So now he’s moved on to Vicki, who will give everything she has to a man who looks at her twice, as long as he defrost the chicken and pours her wine from Aldi. He’s out for her money and he won’t marry her. ALLEDGEDLY.
Tamra asks “So when is the wedding?”
Uh, The second Tuesday of next week.
Yeah, well, no.
Tamra tells Steve that he needs to marry Vicki “right now.” Steve laughs uncomfortably, gets up to get another drink) and mutters “not until I get on the bank account and on her life insurance…then we will get married on the side of a very slippery cliff.”
At the table, Vicki says that she wakes up in the middle of the night, usually because there is a pillow being placed over her face, thinking “That’s my man! I put George Clooney in the middle of my vision board and Steve appeared three months later.” Hmmm. That vision board must be broken because Steve the CC is no George Clooney. I mean, he is more attractive than Brooks, I’ll give her that much.
What does MisRed need to put in the middle of her vision board for Kyle Chandler to appear?
What was in the middle of Vicki’s Vision Board when Brooks appeared? A photo of a giant, gaping butthole?
Tamra, always the lady, says “But do you love f*cking him?” Then mimes fellatio.
Hang on, MisRed needs to vomit.
Can’t remember the last time I used that word in a blog- possibly never. “So, you’re blowing him and f*cking him.”
Vicki says, “As much as I can.” But the way she says it, it is almost like she was asked by a Doctor – So are you exercising? Yes, as much as I can.”
Tamra says that Vicki HAS to marry him. Vicki is like- yeah, well he has to ask me- I’m not going to ask him. Steve returns to the table and Tamra informs him they are planning his wedding.
Vicki asks him if he has a gun on him? Steve is like- if I did, I would have already put it in my mouth, dear. Vicki says, “I want to pat you down.”
Then winks and makes this clicking sound that will never leave MisRed’s brain, which might be a good thing- as it might trigger MisRed to vomit again.
Tamra says “So you guys have good f*cking sessions?”
Please… there are people here that might hear you!
Steve is like… someone here MUST have a gun…he acts mortified. Vicki tries to say that they don’t use that word- and they prefer to say they are “intimate.”
Oh yeah, Vicki, you are a regular f*cking Duggar with your high morals and chaste ways. Did this start before or after your 3-way?
Tamra tells them they should be f*cking like rabbits. Thanks Tamra, now you’ve ruined rabbits for MisRed.
Steve is mortified. Vicki interviews that they don’t talk about their sex life, it just happens, and this is NOT Steve’s type of conversation. But if they want to talk about pretending to be Latino to get voters or being named as beneficiary, he’s down.
They leave the club house and Vicki almost falls down because she’s such a sloppy drunk. Vicki and Tamra are a disgrace to the sport of golf.
Checking in at Tamra and Eddie’s, there is a fresh delivery arrives from Amazon Prime. Eddie wants to know what Tamra keeps ordering. Tamra says “It’s stuff for this damn party.
I can’t exactly get in the car and drive.” The “damn party” to which Tamra refers is a birthday party she is throwing for Eddie’s 45th birthday- to life his spirits.
Well referring to it as a “damn” party, will really make Eddie think you are super into throwing this party for him.
Ryan, Tamra’s Neanderthal son, is there as well. He looks a little better these days. Not quite as repulsive as in years past.
The Amazon Prime box contains Eddie’s outfit for his birthday party. A cheap red plastic hat, and a red suit covered in hearts.
Great way to take his mind off his health issues.
Tamra better check with Shannon to make sure she doesn’t wear the same suit to the party. You know how she loves a theme.
It can be yours for only $100.
Tamra says that she is going to make everyone wear red to the party and “It’s going to look beautiful, betch!” Yup, should look like a Maxi Pad commercial.
Tamra directs Eddie and Ryan to move some furniture around.
That should keep the old heart-rate down.
Well that’s one way Eddie can get out of wearing that suit- die from a heart attack first. Seriously, should this guy be moving furniture?
Tamra asks if Eddie invited David Beador to the party and of course he did. Tamra pretends to flip out, but you KNOW she wants David there to throw Shannon into a tizzy.
Tamra tells Eddie that David can’t EVER come to anything. Eddie is like- well he’s my friend and he’s welcome to my house, so…. Tamra tells Eddie that he can be friends with David out in the street, but David can never come to the house. Eddie is like- F*ck that. Tamra says if David is ever over, SHE won’t be there. Eddie is like- Sounds good. And invites David to move in with him.
Tamra says that her loyalty is to Shannon and she can’t hang out with David or go out to dinner with David and she can’t imagine that David would want to come to a party where his ex-wife is in attendance. Eddie is like “What? Are you 12 years old? David wouldn’t be coming for HER, he would be coming for ME.
We are currently in a bromance.
David is my friend.” Eddie agrees to uninvited David and that he will understand. Tamra says that she and Shannon are not in a good place but she doesn’t want to break “girl code.” Ugh, I hate that term. “I just don’t want Shannon to be mad at me!” Tamra says.
Eddie is like- Who cares? She’s going to be mad at you for ANYTHING. (That’s true.) Then he says, “She would get mad at you about that shirt!” Tamra asks what’s wrong with her shirt?!”!
Ryan chimes in- “It looks like a crayon box from the 70’s.” Word. MisRed thinks she had that shirt in 8th grade.
Just what I want to see on my TV. Thanks Bravo.
Let’s head over to Gina’s, where she is trying to feed her rotten kids. Apparently, Vicki is coming over. Gina refers to her as Miss Vicki.
My god, Gina’s house. It’s an eyesore.
Vicki arrives and says she has a soft spot for Gina because she reminds her of Briana. Except, you know, Briana HAS A JOB!!!!
Vicki interacts with the kids a little- and doesn’t say anything that will permanently scar them. She says to Gina “You got your hands full.”
Vicki picks up a framed picture and says “Oh, is this your husband?”
Gina is like- yeah. But you KNOW it’s just the photo that came with the frame.
Gina and Matt on their wedding day
Vicki interviews “I saw a photo of Matt- so she knows he’s a real person.” Yes, yes, and this is MisRed’s husband:
Yes, here’s a photo of my husband when he was fighting Godzilla last year.
You also thought Brooks had cancer, despite not appearing to be REMOTELY sick, so… we aren’t going to be trusting Vicki’s opinion on things, okaaaaaaay?”
Vicki says she sees no help from Matt for Gina. “Gina is doing the picking up, the dropping off, the homework, the coloring.” So, she’s, like, being a Mom? Vicki says, “How in God’s name can you make this work?”
Hey, Vicki- a lot of people make this work. A lot of people have MORE kids and make it work. A lot of women are single Moms and make it work. A lot of women do this AND have a full-time job, too. Get your head out of your ass.
If there is a God, please let this microwave fall off the wall and kill me.
Listen, not to lessen Gina’s plight. I’m sure when she had three kids she wasn’t planning on her husband NOT living with her during the week. I’m sure she wasn’t planning on getting divorced. But it happens, and you have to deal with it.
As Vicki and Gina eat, the kids are all standing on the furniture. The oldest announces that he wants to go to the playground. Gina says that they can’t go because it’s raining. The kid is insistent and says, “We’re going.” And then he hits Gina in the head.
THANKFULLY she is like- NOPE and takes him to his room and tells him to knock it off. She explains to us in an interview that it’s hard because she is stretched thin and the kids ask for Daddy and Daddy isn’t there, etc.
Meanwhile, Vicki is feeding spaghetti to the other kids. Gina comes out and apologizes and Vicki tells her she did a great job.
Oh look. Vicki’s original face.
Back in Vicki’s interview she says she raised her kids “100% on MY own” and something doesn’t feel right in Gina’s marriage and “If it looks like a skunk and smells like a skunk…”.
What’s her excuse for Brooks then?
Also, Vicki, you DID NOT raise your kids on your own. You divorced your first husband in 1992 and married Donn in 1994, when your kids were 8 and 7 respectively.
Vicki is like- Thanks for the salad but I gotta go sell insurance. Byeeeeee.
Oh, for f*ckssake… now we are going over to Emily’s house? MORE KIDS?!?!?! We see Turtle humping a pillow.
Too much hair to be Turtle.
Oh wait, sorry, that’s a dog.
But speaking of The Turtle, he comes in and calls the kid by the wrong name. Emily asks Turtle if he’s excited for the party, since he will be meeting all of the ladies? (Eddie’s birthday party)
He’s like “I’ve HEARD them.”
Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP. I want to punch this guy in the nards every second he’s on my screen.
Emily says, “So you are looking forward to meeting them and are excited?” Turtle is like… I wouldn’t say I’m excited.
Emily interviews that Turtle is the King of Snarkasm. She says that you just have to laugh at him and give it right back to him- that’s what she does. A) We’ve seen no evidence of Emily giving anything back to him. And B) Don’t make excuses for him. He’s an asshole.
Emily tells Turtle that Gina will be there, so it will be good for them to actually meet instead of the, prior, 5 second interaction of him ordering her out of his house. Turtle is like “I just asked someone to be quiet. I didn’t judge anyone or anything. It’s an isolated incident that everyone is blowing out of proportion for no reason.”
Well, yes, he is right. The situation has been blown out of proportion, but some of it is Emily’s fault. And as of right now it’s an isolated incident. Something tells MisRed it isn’t going to stay that way….
Emily says that she feels like the impression people have of Turtle is that he’s abusive (your word, not anyone else’s, Emily) and he kicked Gina out of the house. Which he did. But still she is excited for him to go to Eddie’s party, so people can meet the real Turtle. She claims he is not some awful, horrible person.
MisRed will be the judge of that.
Meanwhile, one of her rotten kids is insisting that she “Lie down.” So, she does, and he jumps on her. She says, “Well now I know how he got pink eye- he’s always putting his face in my butt.”
Great. Thanks for sharing THAT tidbit. Exactly what is going on in Emily’s butt?
Kelly goes to a Tea Bar. She says to the dude behind the counter- “My friend said she wanted to come here for a “Vulva.” She’s single and I was like ‘Wait, you want me to go down on you?’
I’ll have a Vulva… Venti.
Kelly, you are an embarrassment to women. No, wait, to the human race.
The tea dude advises that he thinks she is talking about “BOBA.” She orders one and Shannon arrives.
Which has fewer calories? A Green Tea Matcha or a Extra Large Supreme Stuffed Crust Pizza put in a blender?
Boba or Bubble tea is a drink that is typically served with a big, fat straw because it has BIG tapioca pearls in the bottom. It can be a little off-putting to suck up that first pearl, but it’s not disgusting or anything.
Kelly starts to drink her Boba and is freaked out by the tapioca pearls. She asks to have them removed because “I’m not really into balls in my mouth.” That’s not what we heard, honey.
Kelly asks Shannon if she has spoken to Tamra? Shannon says no. Shannon doesn’t understand why or how an issue between Emily and Gina turned into an issue with her. Kelly says that Tamra is going through a lot right now too.
I’m going through a lot.
Shannon says, “I don’t know, I mean, I have a lot of stuff going on in my life, too.” Yes, Shannon, we know. She continues “I’ve had a tough last week and she knows that. I don’t understand why she took it to that next level?”
Um, because Tamra is a thundertwat? Just an idea.
Shannon says that Tamra accused her of making it all about her and that Shannon makes up that everyone is attacking her. Well, she’s always done that. Shannon says that the only one attacking her is David and she hasn’t complained about anybody else attacking her.
Well, she did though. She said that Emily attacked her on the golf course. Yes, the types of attacks are completely different, but she did say that Emily attacked her.
Shannon interviews that it’s obvious that Tamra is mad at her, but it CAN’T be because of this Emily thing. She wonders why Tamra isn’t talking to her about the real issue?
Well, because Tamra is an emotionally-stunted hillbilly who likes to stir up drama. If she calmly sits and talks with you and explains why she is angry and resentful, then you might resolve the issue and she wouldn’t be able to talk about you behind your back all season.
Kelly, again, points out that Tamra is going through a lot as well.
I’m going through a lot.
Cut to Gina at Tamra’s house. They discuss the golf outing and Tamra says that everything just came to a head at golf. She says that Shannon is one of her best friends, but she is SO NEEDY- and Tamra has a lot of her own stuff going on right now, she just can’t shoulder both burdens.
She tells Gina that when Eddie was “in the hospital” Shannon never even called Tamra.
Listen, MisRed doesn’t want to make light of Eddie’s situation because it is very serious and is, I’m sure, extremely stressful. But Eddie had out-patient surgery. He wasn’t in ICU in an iron lung. Take the drama down a notch… and maybe don’t make him move furniture unnecessarily.
She says that she doesn’t think she’s really spoken her mind- openly- to Shannon before.
Gina, who seems to have some of these betches figured out, says that it seems like Tamra has learned that if you confront Shannon with open and honest dialogue, she gets mad. So, it’s EASIER for Tamra to just not do that.
Well then, the two of you aren’t friends, because friendship- real friendship- is a two-way street. Trust me, MisRed has a LOT of one-way street relationships, where it’s me doing all the work, but I know that these are people I can’t count on when the chips are down. There are VERY FEW people you can count on when the chips are down. Those are the people who are your friends. The rest of the people are just people in your life with whom you are friendly and hopefully they buy you a beer every once in a while.
We flashback to 2016 to Tamra telling Shannon she heard David’s Mother say that Shannon PUSHED David into having an affair. And Shannon flipping out and storming out. Then we flashback to 2017 to Shannon getting upset at the psychic party (at MKE’s house) because Piggy asked Shannon “Do you trust your husband?”
We don’t even go back to Shannon trying to storm out of Lizzie’s dinner party, and her getting tossed out of Heather’s house. Too bad because they were awesome and CLASSIC Shannon.
Gina says that Tamra has to be honest with Shannon even if Shannon gets mad. And IF Shannon gets mad, then Tamra needs to reevaluate the friendship. Tamra knows she needs to talk to Shannon but she is so afraid of Shannon’s potential reaction.
Tamra scoots somewhere to meet Shannon- some hoity toity garden center or something. Lo and behold, Shannon has a scooter to match Tamra’s.
Tamra interviews “Single White Female much?”
Shannon, we learn, fell on her walk that morning and the doctor told her to rest it. So, she went right out and got a SCOOTER? Ummmm, the Doctor didn’t want to do an X-ray? It was probably Dr. Moon- he would have just put the Twister Spinner in Shannon’s belly button and sent her on her way.
Left foot RED
Tamra asks Shannon if she’s going to get an X-ray and Shannon is like- I’ll see how it goes.
Read: I’ll see how long I can milk this scooter for attention.
Then the DRAMATIC MUSIC starts….
Dramatic Music confirmed.
Tamra give Shannon a look and Shannon is like – What? Tamra says that she’s upset about what happened at the golf course. Shannon says she is upset too. Tamra says she’s been up at night. Ok Tamra, you win. She tells Shannon that she understands that Shannon has been under a ton of stress, and she is emotional about it, and Tamra is the opposite. She tends to NOT talk about her stress, but that Shannon never thinks about what Tamra is going through with Eddie and Shannon never asks “How are you? Are you okay?” Tamra says that she is happy to be there for Shannon, but it’s always about Shannon.
Shannon says, “I certainly don’t want it to be about me at all.”
MisRed has a theory about “at all.” The theory is this. When someone throws “at all” into a statement… they are lying. Every Dateline where the suspects says “at all,” they are 100% guilty. Did you kill your wife “No. Not at all.” Where you in the area on June 5th? “No, not at all.”
Back to these betches.
Shannon continues that the divorce hearing has been really difficult for her. She recognizes that Tamra also has a lot going on and she wants to be there for her, Tamra is one of the best friends she has ever had. Shannon apologizes and says that she is so glad that Tamra is being honest with her. Tamra says that she was afraid to speak honestly to Shannon because Shannon just ices people out. Shannon says she gets where Tamra is coming from and she has worked at trying to be less reactive to things.
Shannon interviews she feels terrible that Tamra doesn’t think that Shannon has been supportive of her and Eddie. She says she loves Eddie and is very concerned for his health, and if she could switch places with her and have David have the terrible, potentially deadly heart issue, she would swap places in a second. Just kidding. But Shannon sees this is a wake-up call that she needs to devote more time to her friends.
Shannon asks if Tamra likes Eddie’s new heart doctor?
Tamra says that Eddie has gone off of all of his medication- even the blood thinners. The doctor has told Eddie that he could have a stroke at any minute. Apparently, that scared Eddie and he began to take his medicine again. She then says something that I didn’t quite follow, that Eddie was on the phone and Tamra asked who he was talking to and Eddie replied “God.” Tamra said- you are talking to God on your cell phone? And Eddie said that he was talking to “her God.”
Didn’t Kyle’s psychic talk to Papa God on her cell phone or some horsesh*t like that?
Tamra says that it’s difficult to pray for something every day and for nothing to come from it- but rather the situation gets worse and worse- even when “you are being a good person and you’re doing the right thing, where’s God then?”
Tamra thinks she’s a good person. That’s the first interesting point of this spiel. But also, whether you are a “good person” or Tamra, just because you pray for something doesn’t mean you are going to get what you want. I understand it’s frustrating, but it’s that old song “You can’t always get what you want.” Does Eddie deserve to have a stroke? No, of course not. But good people have strokes, good people get sick, good people die before their time. It happens. And yes, it’s heartbreaking, but it’s called LIFE.
And I’m not talking about the game. The spinner from that game gets inserted into Shannon’s belly button NEXT week.
So…can I buy you a Vulva?
Shannon says she is so sorry and she IS there for Tamra. She knew there was something deeper going on between them. Tamra says she is not good at expressing her emotions. Shannon says Tamra CAN express her emotions with her and she is doing a good job. They hug.
Ok, let’s see how Tamra figures out a new way to turn on Shannon
It’s party time… we see the party prep happening.
Emily is wearing a very unfortunate-looking outfit. If we cared more about her, it could rival the Vicki Red Dress Disaster, but alas… we don’t.
Thanks to Stayfree, you can even throw a party when you have your period!!
Tamra’s backyard is all decorated and looks nice.
Everyone begins to arrive for the party.
You are the one that kicked me out? You are 3’11”.
Gina arrives goes up to Turtle and he introduces himself. Gina is like “Shane. IT’S F*CKING SHANE!!! Can I get a hug f*cking Shane?” LOL. And he says, “Maybe if you calm down.”
Can someone toss his ass in the pool, please? I mean, anyone could probably do it. Have one of Gina’s kids throw him in.
Shannon and Kelly arrive. Shannon is officially in a boot so she’s rolling in on the scooter. Boot on one foot, 4-inch heel on the other. Perfect sense, as always.
Oh yeah, that’s a look.
We get an ad for Aldi Sauvignon Blanc, which must be sponsoring this sh*t show.
Emily, honey, you are a bigger-boned gal. With poor posture. That back ruffle is not your friend.
Vicki and Emily are talking to some guy and Vicki says, “Oh ok, we better go talk to our husbands.” Vicki walks over to Steve the CC and says, “I just referred to you as my husband.” Steve is like- call me anything you want. Just make sure you get the name correct on the beneficiary line of your insurance policy.
Across the party, Kelly says “I can’t stand Vicki’s boyfriend.” Tamra’s mom asks why? “He’s best friends with my ex-husband, and he talks sh*t all the time.” Sandy is like – come on, what man does that? Kelly says that he needs to be a man and that Vicki is more of a man than he is.
Yah betch, he’s gross.
Are there nachos?
Well THAT’S probably true.
Shannon interviews that Steve doesn’t like her. He spoke to Page Six about her saying that Kelly shouldn’t care about who Michael is dating because it was Kelly’s choice to divorce him- he didn’t want a divorce.
Nice way of Vicki speaking to the press without violating Bravo policy. Just have your little bitch boyfriend do it. Vicki is gross.
Tamra had some old head-shots of Eddie enlarged for the party. Oh dear. Well we now know what happened to the “missing link.” She says Eddie was “into theater in college.” Bahahahaha. Really doing your best to squash those gay rumors.
Kelly says that she thought she would be fine to be around Steve, but she is uncomfortable, and she doesn’t want to even see his face. Well, keep your eyes off his shirt because it’s running a close second. Kelly tells Vicki that she is uncomfortable being around Steve. Vicki is like “Ignore it. Talk to someone else.” Great way of addressing the issue, Vicki.
Vicki interviews that she has no idea why Kelly is upset with Steve and that Kelly called him a douchebag on social media.
She says that Kelly just mouths off. I mean, yes, she does, but it usually isn’t unprovoked.
Inside, Gina confesses to Emily that she and Matt are having issues.
I’m sorry to hear about your marital problems…but do you smell poo?
Their living apart has only highlighted their differences. They got married young and started having kids because everyone else was having kids, and that’s what happens in Long Island- as if it’s a cult. Which it kind of is…. She is unsure if they will get their happily ever after.
Vicki comes in and Gina tells Vicki that she is having problems with Matt. And she is realizing that him being around is making their marriage and the kids more difficult. Vicki tells her that she gave up on her marriage too quickly and she should try to make it work because she has three small kids. And then Vicki tells her to “Make it better right away.”
Who cares if you are unhappy, just stay married.
Again, nobody should be taking marriage advice from either one of these women. Vicki is a relationship train wreck and Gina married a Turtle off Google chat.
These two are like Heckle and Jeckle sitting on a wire.
Outside, Shannon and Kelly are shoving crab into their mouths and Shannon asks Kelly if she has spoken to Emily? Kelly says not really, and what is she going to say, “How is your Mormon husband?” Shannon didn’t realize Turtle was Mormon. Kelly says yes, and Persian Mormon at that. They wonder if Turtle is even at the party because neither of them have met him.
Dickwad? Party of two?
Cut to two douchebags in convo- oh sorry, Turtle and Steve the CC are talking…
Kelly asks Shannon if she should say something to Steve. Shannon advises her to be direct but non-confrontational because Kelly has a valid point. Kelly reviews a bunch of scenarios of how to NOT approach the situation.
I like Kelly and Shannon together.
Shannon tells her how to approach it. And Kelly is like “You are a 60-year-old man, but you are acting like a little bitch.” Shannon thinks if Kelly can relay her point in a calm manner, she will have a better chance of getting a good result.
Shannon should use this logic on herself.
And not only that, but when has Kelly ever relayed her point in a calm manner when in a confrontation?
Let’s review Kelly’s greatest hits, shall we?
Kelly approaches Steve, who is standing with The Turtle, and says, “Hey, I don’t want to make a big deal about it, but I’m really upset about what happened on social media.” Steve looks at her blankly, and Kelly asks him if he knows what she is talking about? He says, coldly, I don’t follow social media.
Kelly says “You went on Page Six…” Steve is like- what did I say? Kelly is like- you don’t know what you said? It was a quote. Steve is like- you are the one explaining… Kelly asks if she should pull it up on her phone and read it to him?
Steve tells her to take her drama somewhere else and walks away. Turtle jumps right in though, saying that if she has something against him she should bring it to him.
That’s exactly what she’s doing, Turtle. Oh, and making passive aggressive remarks and storming off doesn’t exactly speak well to Steve’s “innocence.”
Kelly explains to the Turtle that she hasn’t seen him to be able to talk to him about it. Turtle then says she shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.
Right. Like someone being a little loud at a party and someone else yelling down the staircase to “Get this chick out of my house”?
Kelly asks how she is making a big deal out of it? Turtle shrugs and is like “idunno.”
That’s what you’ve got? And this guy is a lawyer? Great argument, sir. Case dismissed.
Vicki goes inside and asks Steve if Kelly spoke to him- and what did she say? He goes “All she wants to do is argue.” How would he know? He spit out two words and then ran away like a little girl. Vicki tells him not to drink her Kool Aid. Shut up, Vicki.
Vicki interviews that the fact that Kelly is bringing Steve into this is ridiculous and childish. You know what else is childish- sending your boyfriend to do your dirty work. Having him talk to the press and plant stories so you don’t get fined by Bravo.
Vicki says she is not happy with this “new Kelly.” Oh, you mean the Kelly that is seeing you for what you really are? “It really hurts my feelings that she would be so disrespectful.”
Right. Okay, so let’s review disrespectful “stuff.”
- Vicki being a complete hypocrite on multiple fronts:
- Accusing someone of cheating on their dying fiancé.
- Badgering someone for dating someone rumored to not pay his child support and then dating someone who went to jail for not paying child support.
- Berating someone for taking calls at the dinner table, but then doing the same thing the next day.
- Pretending to fall asleep when other people are telling a story.
- Showing up, unannounced, at your son’s college when he’s trying his best to just get laid and not flunk out.
- Feigning a neck injury in Glamis Dunes.
- Helping Brooks fake cancer.
- Choosing Brooks over her own child.
- Repeatedly not having her friends backs, i.e. Kelly in Ireland
- Mocking Heather for her vocabulary, which is about 8 grade-levels above Vicki’s.
- Telling Meghan that Jim will divorce her in 4 years. (Which may be true, but still- DISRESPECTFUL)
- Being nasty to MKE regarding Cancer and her questioning Brooks’s treatment.
- Turning on Shannon for telling her that the girls think Brooks was faking cancer.
- Early on, making one of her employees get a full make-over because Vicki didn’t like her look.
- Forcing the viewer to see her in that Red Dress.
- Forcing the viewer to imagine her in a 3-way.
- Forcing the viewer to see her hitting on the Donn look-alike in Mexico.
- Spreading a rumor that Eddie is gay.
- Ditching half of the girls at Tamra’s bachelorette party to go to Andales.
- Peeing on Tamra’s bed.
- Comparing herself to “Christ on the cross.”
- Ruining Blue Cheese Stuffed Olives for the rest of us.
- Ruining shots for the rest of us with her disgusting lizard tongue.
And THAT’S just off the top of my head. Feel free to add you own.
Back outside, Kelly and Turtle talk- Kelly asks why a man would write about her? Turtle says, “You mean to tell me he’s the only man who has ever written about you?” Kelly is like… um, well, yeah. Turtle says that’s between the two of them. Kelly is like- Yes, then why are you getting involved? In the meantime, Shannon has come up – SANS SCOOTER, I MIGHT ADD, and is standing next to Kelly.
Say your prayers because you are done, dude.
Turtle denies his involvement but at this point Kelly has him in her cross hairs. LOL. It’s awesome.
Turtle says, insultingly, “You’re drunk.” Because pious non-drinkers consider that to be a horrible insult.
Kelly is like “What? I’m not drunk at all.” Whoops, there’s the “at all” again- maybe it doesn’t apply to tequila. “This is my first drink.”
Turtle says “That’s your normal behavior? Ugh.” Well, aren’t you one to talk about behavior?
Kelly then goes, “You are a f*cking dork. Loser.” LOL, I love Kelly sometimes. She keeps repeating “Dork” and “loser” as she walks away…to get another drink.
Turtle says, of Kelly, but to Shannon, “Unfortunately, your opinion doesn’t matter.” Great comeback. Especially when Kelly is out of ear-shot.
Shannon tries to smooth things over with the Turtle saying Kelly is upset and apologizing for Kelly.
Kelly comes back yelling “DON’T TALK TO HIM! HE’S A LITTLE TWERP. YOU LITTLE PUSSY.”
And then walks away again. Shannon is like… yeah, sorry.
His face, though.
Turtle says to Shannon, “That’s your friend?”
Kelly, at the bar with Emily and Gina, says, “This guy’s a little bitch over there.” Emily is like who? “That little man over there that Steve’s talking to.” Emily is like- Steve? Kelly says, “Steve’s little bitch over there- I don’t know who he is.”
Emily says, “Are you talking about my husband?” Bahahahahahahaah. Kelly is like THAT’S your husband? Emily confirms. And Kelly says, oh, I wasn’t introduced to him.
Cut to 30 minutes earlier when Kelly was introduced to Turtle. I mean, in fairness, he isn’t particularly memorable.
And he looks so welcoming too.
Kelly says she didn’t know Turtle was Emily’s husband but he’s over there sticking up for Steve the Crooked Cop. Turtle, who has now come over to the bar, denies he was sticking up for Steve.
Oh, so he wasn’t defending Steve, he was just being an asshole completely independent of Steve. Got it.
Kelly tells him he shouldn’t have opened his mouth. Turtle says she shouldn’t have come up to HIS table. Kelly asks if this is his house?
Shannon tries to diffuse the situation and it like “Kelly calm down.” Yeah, well that always works.
Turtle says “Emily, is THIS someone you want to hang out with?”
Kelly claps back “You said I was drunk. You’re a little bitch, dude.” Emily is like Kelly! That’s my husband. Kelly just keeps saying “That’s a little bitch.”
He’s a little bitch!
Emily starts finger pointing and getting up in Kelly’s grill “Hey! That’s my husband. You don’t f*cking talk to my husband!”
Also…. I SMELL POO!!
Kelly says “Your little husband. Go get him, go be in love.” Emily comes back with fingers pointing and Kelly is like “Come on! Hit me! Hit me!!” Jesus.
Emily growls- and she truly sounds like a DEMON “YOU DON’T TALK TO MY HUSBAND THAT WAY!” Gina and Shannon try to pull them apart and Emily is like “F*ck you!” Get her away from me!! I’LL F*CKING KILL YOU.”
Get ’em, Tiger.
Luann de Lesseps West Coast, folks.
Kelly is like “Holy Shit.”
Next week: There is drama between Vicki and Kelly when Kelly reveals that Steve is with Vicki for the money. I mean, seriously? Stevie Wonder told me that one night at a bar about 3 years ago. Vicki says that “Everyone is always after what I have.” Herpes? Oh! She means what exactly? Well, I mean Steve is after her money so… or does she think everyone is after her “relationship” with a dead-eyed faux Latino crooked cop? Dr. Moon RETURNS!!! Gina breaks down over her marriage.
Well, FINALLY, we had a little action this episode. What’s your take on this whole Kelly vs. Steve situation? Do you think Turtle had the right to jump in? Is he just the worst or is MisRed imagining it? I’d love to hear your opinions. xoxoxo
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