Hi, Trashies! On a personal note, I’m all moved in and I can finally sit down and breathe for a second. Thanks, again, for your patience. This has been absolutely crazy. I think we should celebrate with some snark! Let’s get right to it. Actually, before we do, why the hell does Lauren take out her retainer in the opening credits? Was that a thing when she was on Ben’s season? I can’t remember at all.
We open the show with Grant and Lace hanging out on the obligatory outdoor bed. Grant tells us that this is the point where things get real. People will either leave engaged or brokenhearted. Except that’s not really the case at all. There’s is literally nothing that can stop any of these couples saying, “So, we’ve known each other for less than a month. I don’t want to break up with you, but we’re so not ready to be engaged. Want to date in the real world for a little while and see how that goes?”
Side note: What the fuck is up with Grant’s nipples?
Cut to Nick and Jen. Apparently, Nick has been closed off with Jen the whole time, but she just wants to get some alone time to “propel the relationship forward.”
Oh, but new people are arriving! This time, it’s Tiara (Ben). You remember her. She was simply known as a “chicken enthusiast.” Her date card even says, “Don’t cluck it up.” All the ladies are worried about who she’ll take out. Nick decides to talk to her and everyone is a little worried. It ends up being nothing. Tiara just gives her date card to Nick. Why? She talked to literally no one else.
Anyway, the date is just a carnival. Because Jen isn’t sure how Nick feels about her, they go see a fortune teller.
“I see a large harem for you, Nick!”
So, yeah, the fortune teller says that they’re not going to work out (which we already know) because Nick is hesitant. When Jen and Nick finally talk, he tells her that he’s afraid because his last two relationships were on a show like this and we all know how that turned out. Despite that, Nick is hopeful and is happy to spend more time with Jen.
Oh, gross. We cut back to the resort where we hear Josh moaning. Don’t worry, hes only eating pizza.
This bit is getting old, ABC.
While that’s going on, Lauren is wondering where she stands with Brett. She’s interested, but he’s kind of coupled up with Izzy. Brett wants to know what Lauren is thinking. In short, they both like each other. Brett tells us that he has a better connection with Lauren and will be giving her a rose. Well, Izzy is going to be pissed. Brett knows he has to talk to her and is worried about that.
The conversation doesn’t last long and Izzy takes it about as well as you’d expect. She decides to just leave at this point. Oh, and now she regrets breaking up with Vinny. I just roll my eyes. We all know that she’s just sad that she’s single now. Why do we have to watch a montage of the time Vinny and Izzy spent together. It was like a week. It’s not like they had some epic decade long romance. They hooked up for a while on a TV show. Wow. It gets even more stupid when Evan yells, “IZZY! GO GET YOUR VINNY!” as she’s walking away and some inspiration music places. Oh, God. Izzy yells back, “I’m in it to Vin it.” No, just stop talking, Izzy.
In the car, Izzy calls Vinny and she’s not exactly truthful. She says that she chose to leave because she misses him and she wants to get back together. Yeah, no. That’s not really how it happened. Brett dumped her and she seems like the type of woman who just can’t handle being single.
And Vinny doesn’t fall for it.
Now I’m kind of regretting that I defended Izzy in the first place. I still 100% think it’s OK to break up with someone if you don’t want to be with them. I still don’t think she did anything wrong by ended things with Vinny if she was more interested in Brett. I do, however, think her wanting Vinny back is kind of bullshit. She’s literally only doing it because things didn’t work out with Brett. Vinny is her backup guy. Granted, I posted a photo a few episodes ago of Vinny and Izzy on a plane together, so we know they got back together. I guess Vinny was out of options too.
This thing is so over dramatic. Izzy demands they stop the car so she can sob outside.
And they film her empty seat.
The next morning, we see Tiara eating some chicken wings. Of course we do. She’s telling us that she will be single for the rest of her life while we see pictures of chickens. This show is not exactly subtle.
Anyway, it’s time for the cocktail party. Everyone pretty much knows this cocktail party is only meant for Wells to figure out which of his three women he wants. And we’re obviously going to hear Ashley’s thoughts on the situation. She tells us that she’s had her sights set on Wells for a while…you know, a whole previous episode!
Suddenly, Shushanna just decides to leave and Wells goes after her. She tells him that she doesn’t want a man who isn’t going to fight for her. I take that to mean that she isn’t big on making an effort when it come to dating. Then she walks away and just breaks down crying to the camera. With that, we get to the rose ceremony. The men are giving out the roses this week.
Josh gives a rose to Pizza…I mean Amanda
Nick gives a rose to Being the Bachelor…I mean Jen
Grant gives a rose to Lace
Evan gives a rose to Carly
Brett gives a rose to No One
If looks could kill.
It’s the same old “I just don’t have that strong of connection with anyone.” I really wish that Chris Harrison wouldn’t make such a big deal about this particular rose ceremony. Giving out this rose doesn’t actually mean that you’re in love with someone. It means that you don’t hate the other person and you’re letting them stay on vacation a little longer. That’s it.
Wells gives a rose to Ashley
With that, Jami, Lauren, and Tiara all go home. Ashley is super weird about the whole thing. She even eats part of the rose petal. Yep.
The next morning, Chris Harrison calls a meeting. He tells everyone that they all want to be the next Jade and Tanner. What about Marcus and Lacy? Oh, that’s right. This “process” only works 50% of the time. Anyway, it’s the same old thing. The couples have to go away and have a discussion where they decide whether or not they want to have a fantasy suite date tonight.
First, the couples are all split up to do some thinking. Carly reminds us that this was the day last year that she was blindsided by Kirk. Nick wants to get this alone time with Jen so he can see where this relationship is going. Oh, and Wells discusses Ashley’s virginity. He admits that the fantasy suite is completely off the table while she’s just girl talking and making silly little comments.
As if on cue (because it probably was on cue), Ashley shows up to talk to Wells. The conversation is kind of confusing. Wells tells Ashley that he thinks neither of them are the type of person who would want to be in a fantasy suite at this point. He cares about her, but he doesn’t know where this relationship is going. Ashley is the one who is making sense here. She tells him, “Look, this isn’t marriage. It’s just another date.”
Ashley is about to increase her cry count.
With that, Wells leaves. Surprisingly, Ashley doesn’t cry and go completely psycho on Wells! See, this is why I think her BS with Jared is just an act. She cries later, but I think this is perfectly normal. It was a breakup after all. With that, Ashley goes home too.
And Grant eats eggs with just a knife.
After the dust settles, Chris Harrison sends the remaining couples off to get ready for their dates.
The first date we see is Grant and Lace. They’re just walking around the town and they find bracelets that say “Grace.” I’m not sure why they think this is so amazing. That style of bracelet is pretty common and it’s not like Grace is a super rare name or anything.
Seriously, you can find these in any amusement park gift shop.
The bracelets are clearly a sign that they should get tattoos.
We all know that Grant loves to get tattoos with for his girlfriends.
They both choose to get “GRACE” tattooed on their wrists. Grant and Lace also take it as a sign when their artist tells them that he and his wife knew each other for 12 days when they got engaged. I’m just wondering why an American couple decided to open a tattoo shop in Mexico. Anyway, although Grant has no problems with the tattoo, Lace is freaking out. Only on this show would it be shown as weird for a woman to not want to get a tattoo for a guy she’s known for less than a month. Eh, this is a big nothing and Lace gets the tattoo. When this relationship eventually implodes, at least they can say that the tattoo is about Jesus or something.
Let’s go check out Jen and Nick on their date, shall we? It’s a little less extreme that tattoos. They’re just paddle boarding.
Or trying to at least.
Ha! Jen makes this about a metaphor because sometimes you fall down, but you just have to get back up again. When they finally talk, Nick admits that he has a wall up and Jen is hoping that he’ll tell her how he feels. Nick tells us that he loves Jen…as a person. He’s not sure if he’s in love with her yet though. Gee, I wonder how this will end.
That date is super short because we have to check out the weirdness that is Evan and Carly. They even recognize that they don’t get normal dates. They’ll be painting with their bodies today because of course they will.
And we learn that Evan is a briefs man.
He also claimed Carly’s boobs.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Carly is still complaining about Kirk breaking up with her a year ago. Girl, you were with him for less than three weeks. You should be over it by now.
Speaking of over it, we have to check out Josh and Amanda. Amanda wants to see how Josh interacts with kids. Maybe it would be a good idea for her to check out how he interacts with her kids rather than some random kids in Mexico. All we get is Amanda saying she’s terrified after what happened when she introduced Ben to her kids. And that’s their entire date.
It’s time for some fantasy suites!
Both Jen and Carly want to hear their men say “I love you.” Grant wants to hear the same from Lace. After that little overview, we cut to Carly and Evan first. Carly wants to meet Evan’s kids and it means a lot that he’s sacrificed time with them to stay on the show with Carly. Well, if Evan’s ex wife is to be believed, he’s pretty much just a sperm donor and doesn’t really have much of a relationship with his kids. Not too much of a sacrifice to come on this show, I guess. Ha! When Carly says, “I know that it’s hard for you to not be with them,” Evan says, “It’s so worth it though.”
Father of the year, ladies and gentlemen.
After all the talk of Carly being more worth it than time with his kids, the two of them exchange “I love you”s.
While Carly and Evan begin their night o’ sex, Jen and Nick are talking about how hard a long distance relationship would be. I can’t help but laugh when Nick says he thinks that he and Jen have what it takes to make this work. Stuff like this makes it super obvious that the producers chose Nick as the the Bachelor at the last minute.
Grant and Lace are still at dinner talking about their tattoos. He says that it speaks volumes about where they are with their relationship. I think it speaks volumes about how stupid these two are. Anyway, Lace finally tells Grant that she loves him. As they close the door, her voiceover says, “I just hope nothing gets in our way.” What the fuck could possibly get in their way at this point?
Josh and Amanda’s conversation is so ridiculous. I just have to write it out word for word.
Amanda: Today was really fun.
Josh: It was really fun.
Amanda: It really was.
Josh: That’s the kind of stuff I enjoy.
Amanda: It was really fun.
Josh: I thought it was the best one yet.
Amanda: It was.
Josh: We’ve had some good dates and some good times, but I’m definitely gonna remember today for sure.
Wow. What a connection these two have. I just read the above conversation to the boyfriend and he said, “They should turn that into a song, actually.” Anyway, Josh and Amanda make out, Josh moans, and that’s the end of this episode.
We start Tuesday’s episode with the morning after all the sex. I really hate that I find Carly and Evan kind of cute together. After hearing his rap, the boyfriend said, “Yeah, even by our standards, he’s really awkward.” Hey, did you know Carly got dumped by Kirk right at this point? She’s still freaked out that Evan is going to dump her. Girl, let it go.
Grant and Lace, meanwhile, are talking about what they’ll do when they have to be a long distance couple. Grant feels like he hasn’t had enough time to get his questions answered before getting engaged.
But matching tattoos are no big deal.
These two just exist to create drama, don’t they? Seriously, I don’t think they’re happy unless there is some kind of conflict in their relationship.
Nick and Jen wake up all happy, but we know what’s going to happen. There is more laughter from me when Jen tells us she can see the two of them engaged.
And that’s all we get before checking in with Josh and Amanda. Did you know they had fun last night and all day yesterday? Wow. It’s very telling that Amanda literally said she’s not worried about the fact that Josh hasn’t meant her daughters because he makes her happy.
Amanda should have gone with Evan. They have the same (lack of) parenting skills.
Oh, and Josh is having doubts because of what happened with Andi. Also, he’s concerned that he hasn’t met Amanda’s kids – they’ve moved super fast and they’re not in the real world. Wow. For once, I agree with Josh. This will never happen again.
Of course, Neil Lane is here to give away some of his super gaudy rings. All four of the men pick out a ring. The best part is Neil asking how many more times he’s going to see Nick again.
At least one more time.
Oh, yeah, Neil knows Josh too. You know how the final couple has to give back the ring if they don’t last at least two years? Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Josh picked out the exact ring that he gave to Andi?
OK, time for the private rose ceremonies. Evan and Carly are up first.
“Will you freakin’ marry me?”
Of course Carly says yes because she’s desperate to be a success story from this franchise. That aside, I guess that have a shot at making it. They both live in Nashville, so it’s not like either of them has to start a whole new life. As they drive away, Carly says, “No one gets this opportunity.” Except, you know, literally everyone else who has been on this show and all the other couples that will walk away from this season engaged. I’m not sure if that statement is better or worse than, “And they all lived happily Evan after.” No, Carly. Just no.
Time to find out if Lace and Grant are together or not this hour.
Remember when Grant said he felt sorry for whoever ended up with Lace?
How many times do you think these two have broken up since this moment? I’m guessing no less than seven.
Ooh. Jen and Nick are up next. Let’s find out who does the dumping. Jen starts out by telling Nick that she’s fallen in love with him.
Nick is an ugly crier.
Nick says to Jen that something is telling him to say goodbye. My guess is that “something” was Mike Fleiss saying, “So, yeah, if you dump Jen, you get to be he Bachelor this season.” Also, despite all the sobbing and sniffling, I’m pretty sure Nick didn’t shed a single tear. Anyway, Jen goes on and on about how Nick threw away something that could have been great. Or, you know, he broke up with someone he didn’t have feelings for.
Bring on the 25 new women!
Last up, it’s Josh and Amanda. We all know how this is ending because no one has made any effort to hide it.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Amanda has a long and sweaty life ahead of her.
Was there a sudden rain storm or something?
So, yeah, that’s it. Honestly, I don’t think any of these couples will even have a fake wedding like Marcus and Lacy did.
I’ll miss you, Jorge!
That’s for coming on this crazy ride with me, Trashies! Starting Monday, I’ll be recapping Dancing with the Stars and I’ll be back in January to recap The Bachelor for you! If you haven’t already, check out the Rose Pricks podcast with our very on Ronnie K and Stefanie Wilder Taylor.
Until next season!
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