RHONY just won’t die. Our dearest, most countless songstress has invited Andy Cohen into her backyard for a chat about that time she married a guy who once kissed Ramona.
Luann: So nice of you to shower and shave before coming over.
Andy: I’ve never heard of those things.
Andy meets Luann at her home in the Hamptons. She says that she’s still in touch with Tom. Just because they’re divorcing, it doesn’t mean that they can’t talk like grown ups. Maybe that’s why Tom couldn’t keep his weiner contained. He wanted to show off all of his grown up capabilities. Now that he’s mastered marriage, infidelity and divorce maybe he’ll master growing hair.
He says that Luann looks like she lost weight. First, she didn’t need to lose any so that’s not a good thing. Second, she’s probably on that all Ramen divorce diet that she mastered with the Count.
As we recall, Luann spent the night before the reunion in a hotel. She had seen the footage of Missy and Tom and it was hurtful. My question is: why is Luann always the one leaving the non-penthouse? Tom should have been traipsing down to the local Motel 6 for the weekend. Actually, between the hookers and free Continental breakfast, that’d be too much like Disneyland for him.
Andy says that the women gave her plenty of warnings but she went through with marriage anyway. Luann says that she had to see his bad behavior for himself…and make sure that their pre-nup was looser than Sonja’s grip on reality. Andy asks if she regrets wearing one of her wedding related dresses to the reunion. She’s all, “no, I got it for free from Obama’s designer.”
Luann maintains that Tom never cheated but he was flirtatious. Is she using a millenial dictionary or something? I could’ve sworn that attempting to eat the face of one’s ex at a very public bar is about as cheating as cheating gets.
Luann says that they both filed for divorce because they love doing things together. Skiing, tennis, divorce…they’re a hetero Kate & Allie. Luann wasn’t happy at the reunion but she stood by Tom out of respect for the settlement she was hoping to get.
Apparently, Tom met up with an old girlfriend and their group of friends but neglected to tell Luann. She found out about it in the press and she decided that that was the last time she’d be left out on Martini Mondays. On a related note, the fight in which she allegedly slapped him didn’t quite happen that way. She merely grabbed his face and the impact of her palm against his pre-pubescent chin sounded like a slap. She just wanted his attention – and proximity to his carotid artery.
She believes Tom married her because he loved her but he kept going to the Regency when she said no. It’s like when Adrian pleaded with Rocky not to fight the Russian but less sexy. If Luann was a good businesswoman, she would have founded a Regency Anonymous support group. If she were a better one, she would have started a Regency swingers club.
At the reunion, Bethenny said that she’d be in the bathroom crying if she’d gone through what Luann did. That’s when Luann knew that she was in trouble.
Luann: When Bethenny has empathy for you, you’re fucked.
Luann says that she had blinders on which is fitting because she’s quite the accomplished equestrian. However, seeing Tom tell Missy that he gets choked up when he sees her and then removing his mic hurt her. It looked sneaky. Luann doesn’t think that there’ s more to their friendship though. I hope Luann never guest stars on To Tell the Truth.
Regarding Bethenny’s photographic evidence from last year, Luann says that she chose to forgive because if you can’t forgive the ones you love, who can you forgive? The UPS man, your dentist, Harvey Dent. Like, the possibilities are endless. If your own husband to be is already showing you who he is, believe him. And then siphon money out of his bank account for good measure.
Luann claims that Tom didn’t like the spotlight and blames the show for filming exactly what he was doing. Her ex, Jacques, is in a relationship but he has been a good friend and gave her the male point of view on this.
“I shall resume le banging of Luann.”
Luann says that she will never go to the Regency again – without a stun gun. She also kept the murky engagement ring because it may pay for the first month of her NYC pied a terre. She won’t apologize to the women and doesn’t want to hear “told you so” although they all told. Her. So.
All of the women have reached out except Carole. Bethenny said love is blind…
“And so was Luann when she confused Tom’s one bedroom hovel for a penthouse.”
Sonja said “Oh God!” because she was actually in the middle of doing Tom. Ramona said she was sad for her and sent Luann a case of wine with an invoice.
“Jacques and I have been blindfolding each other and playing Ramona Pinot or Hudson River.”
Luann admits that they broke up a couple of times during their seven month marriage but she was faithful and never tried to get with Scott Disick cuz random. She would be bothered if Tom began dating Missy because she’s not hot. Luann took a chance on him because she married quickly last time and she seems to think a forced open marriage with a distant count was ideal.
Luann doesn’t assign all blame to Tom nor should she. He never hid who he was. She says that she will still use the Countess title because it’s part of her branding. Then she has the unmitigated gall to say that Queen Latifah isn’t really a queen. Umm, yes the hell she is and don’t ever forget it ye who ranks below duchess.
Luann says that she’s open to being set up by one of her cast members. She may release a new single and says that if you fall, make it part of the dance. Sounds great, already seen it on a pillow. They both say that she’s resilient and will be bouncing back into the walls of Beautique in no time.
Unfortunately Andy didn’t ask the most important question: what does Tommy Tune have to say about all of this?!
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