Hi, Trashies. So, we’ve got five hours of show to recap this week. I’m not sure how they stretched this to five hours seeing as it’s pretty much the most boring season ever. Oh, and by now, I’m sure you know that Colton is the Bachelor. So, yeah. We have that to look forward to, I guess. Anyway, let’s get right to the snark!
We open with Angela still crying about Eric going on a date with Cassandra after they decided they were “all in.” We get a lot of cuts back and forth between the date and the resort where Angela is still sobbing. She really should stop crying. She’s dating Clay Harbor (from Becca’s season and a legit pro athlete) now.
Don’t worry, girl. You’ll get an upgrade soon.
On the date, Eric is outlining his version of his relationship with Angela. His talk about Angela wanting to “take things slow” sounds really like Eric is saying, “Yeah, so Angela won’t sleep with me yet, so I’m moving on.”
Back at the resort, Not Raven is talking to Colton about the whole situation and it seems that the gears in his head are going a mile a minute. Of course, that means that Not Raven is telling us how secure her relationship with him is. He tells Kevin that he feels like he’s forcing things and he has to break it off. We all saw this coming, right? It’s never a good sign when someone has to be convinced to be in a relationship. In fact, Not Raven tells us that she thinks she and Colton will get married some day. And that’s when he walks up. In short, he’s just not feeling it and it’s over. Not Raven goes on this whole rant about how Colton needs to get his shit together so he doesn’t do this someone else. Oh, shut up, Not Raven. I’m not a fan of Colton in the slightest, but him breaking up with her doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with him. It just means that he doesn’t like her.
I guess he nailed his final Bachelor audition.
So, everyone acts all shocked about this breakup. Again, not sure why. Bibiana had to talk Colton into giving things a chance with Not Raven. We all know he didn’t like her in the first place. I think thing is something to what Raven said last week. Colton just likes to be with the current “it girl.” First, he dated Aly Raisman, then he went after Not Raven when it seemed like she was getting the Bachelorette edit, but he dumped her to actually go on the show. On Paradise, he stayed with her long enough to get a good amount of airtime. In the end, both Colton and Not Raven leave. I’m not looking forward to next season. I just don’t get any sense that Colton is sincere. Everything he says and does seems calculated. I guess I’ll need lots of wine for next season.
Once again, all the ladies are freaking out about the status of their relationships. This leads to a really gross scene where Krystal is literally kneeling at Chris’ feet begging him for validation.
MAKE BETTER CHOICES, KRYSTAL!
Surprisingly, the person that handles all of this the best is Jordan. I’m not his biggest fan (I find him way more annoying than entertaining), but he really does seem to care about Jenna. The way he reassured her was honestly pretty sweet. OK, Jordan. You get one positive point in my book. And then Joe wakes up from a nap, walks into Jordan’s interview, and asks about Not Raven and Colton.
Nope. Not staged at all.
Eric and Cassandra return and he wants to talk to Angela. I love that she’s just honest about things and says, “You hurt my feelings.” I’m officially no longer a fan of Eric after the way he handles this. He tries to put all the blame on Angela for all of this and saying she just wasn’t as into him as he was to her. He also tries to question what “all in” means in terms of their relationship. What the fuck else would that mean?
I used to love you so much, Eric. How far you’ve fallen.
Once again, we see the ladies this season being completely awesome to one another. Angela fills Cassandra in on everything going on with Eric. I love that Cassandra immediately calls Eric out on his BS. Well done, Cassandra. While that’s going on, Kevin and Astrid are being a boring stable couple. I do have to call BS on Kevin saying that they’re lucky because “no one looked their way” and they both just “looked at each other.” Except, you know, Kevin was with Krystal for at least that first episode. He knows that’s on camera, right?
And then Jordan, thankfully, shaves Chris’ weird double hairline off.
With that, there is a new arrival and it’s Shushanna (Ben) and she’s followed by Christen (Nick). Their date cards go together and it’s a double date. Of course, there’s a rehash of the Scallop Fingers thing. It wasn’t funny then and it’s not funny now. Can we just let it die? Shushanna takes out Kamil and Christen decides to take John (because there can’t be a date without John on it!). Of course, Annaliese goes into a tailspin about this. She tries to reassure herself that she and Kamil are solid while he tells Shushanna that they’re in “the friendship zone.” Annaliese also tells Kamil that she’s perfectly cool with this and no one actually believes her, right? Also, I get what she’s trying to do. She’s trying to be the “cool girl.” It really is OK to say something like, “Hey, it kind of hurts my feelings that you’re going on this date.”
Why do none of my dates involve Jorge?
The date is nothing worth talking about because we just have to focus on Annaliese crying. She tells us that she’d say yes right now if Kamil proposed. That’s fucking terrifying. Girl has been in love three times in all of like four days. Girl needs to just relax. And then, of course, we have the Ashley and Jared engagement. I’m not going to spend much time on this. It went on way too long. As much as I don’t buy that Kevin was super hurt by the breakup with Ashley, it’s still kind of weird to have him be there for the proposal. Anyway, Ashley and Jared are engaged. The end.
Of course, it isn’t until after the engagement that a date card arrives for Kevin. Seriously, they couldn’t have done this for him while his ex-girlfriend was getting engaged? Anyway, he picks Astrid (obviously) and they leave. The date is nothing big. Astrid and Kevin have dinner and tell each other they love one another.
When Kamil comes back, Annaliese is ready to explode because he doesn’t come find her to talk. She eventually approaches him and they talk about the date. Fortunately for literally everyone, Kamil tells Annaliese that he’s into her and not interested in Shushanna.
And it’s off to the boom boom room!
Oh, yeah, Olivia is still interested in John. Shockingly, John doesn’t dump her. Maybe he’s growing as a person!
Oh, hey, there are still rose ceremonies on this show! Ugh, for some reason, Cassandra is still into Eric. You were doing so well, Cassandra! This guy has proven to be an ass hole. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Also, this cocktail party is where we see Shushanna get super obsessed with Kamil. She confronts him to find out how he feels, and he says he’s not interested and would rather be with Annaliese. Chris Harrison comes in, but it’s not time for the rose ceremony. It’s just Jordan (The Bachelor New Zealand, Winter Games). Anyway, the single ladies talk to him and Chelsea is super interested in him. When that doesn’t work, she tries to get with Kamil, but that only pisses off Annaliese. Can we skip right to the roses now?
Kevin gives a rose to Astrid
American Jordan gives a rose to Jenna
Chris gives a rose to Krystal
Joe gives a rose to Kendall
Eric gives a rose to Cassandra
NZ Jordan gives a rose to Shushanna (Why does Chris Harrison call him “Other Jordan”? That’s fucking weird.)
John gives a rose to Olivia (Is this the longest John has been interested in a woman?)
Kamil gives a rose to Annaliese
And this is where the episode ends. We see some footage of Christen going through heat stroke (she later confirmed this) and we close out with Chelsea seeming to have a major panic attack. And we hear literally nothing about either of these things ever again.
And we’re on to night two! We start with Kevin telling Astrid about all the different salad dressings he makes. Why are we watching this conversation? Once that is over, we get a visit from Jade, Tanner, Carly, and Evan. They’re going to be talking to all of the couples to find out who will be getting the next date. They pick up immediately on Annaliese being super insecure and trying to hide how she actually feels about Kamil. Anyway, because they’re one of the only couples left who haven’t been on a date, Joe and Kendall win.
So, Kendall and Joe babysit while Jade, Tanner, Carly, and Evan are out on a date. When they return, they give Joe and Kendall the good news that they’ll be going on a real date. It’s not really much of a date. They just have drinks on the beach and talk about their feelings.
So, now we come to the point where Eric has his breakdown. I don’t quite understand what he’s talking about. He talks about being drained from “the Angela situation.” Yeah, he totally created that situation when he decided that Cassandra was hotter. Also, he says that he felt like half of him left when Angela did. When she left?! He was the one who sent her home. He 100% could have kept her here! I’m so sad that Eric turned out to be kind of a douche canoe. Anyway, Eric decides to leave.
And Shushanna acts like he died.
Later, another date card arrives for Chris, and, of course, he’s taking Krystal. There’s nothing much to say about it. They have dinner, they say “I love you” (because you can’t do this unless you’re on a date, apparently), and then they dance barefoot.
So, let’s get into all the Shushanna drama. While sitting around a bonfire, she’s staring intently at Kamil. She tells us that she feels like there’s something between them because he looks back at her when she’s staring at him. Maybe that’s because she’s fucking staring at him!
The next day, Jordan gets a date card. He tries to ask our Shushanna, but she turns him down so she can focus on Kamil…for, reasons. In the end, Jordan ends up going out with Cassandra. With that, Shushanna decides to talk to Kamil about their situation. Once again, he says that he doesn’t have feelings for her. Shushanna just keeps insisting that she doesn’t believe him. Girl needs to stop being so delusional and live in the real world.
Kamil chose Annaliese as the saner option.
When talking to Olivia, Shushanna admits that she only likes the chase and, if Kamil were interested, she wouldn’t have feelings for him. And then we get the beginning of the whole witchcraft rumor. It’s all because Kamil makes some stupid joke about Shushanna’s “Russian witchery.” Is that a thing? Annaliese decides to confront Shushanna since she’s not accepting no from Kamil. Annaliese starts on the moral high ground by saying, “Look, Kamil and I are together. Please leave him alone.” When Shushanna acts all dismissive and won’t give Annaliese a fight, the whole “Russian witchery” thing becomes an issue. Dammit, Annaliese, I was on your side!
Oh, hey, Diggy (Rachel) is here. He goes out with Olivia (but not before Shushanna turns him down). There’s really nothing to report as it’s the most boring date on history. For the record, Diggy’s live tweets of the show are amazing. I wish we saw more of that version of him on the show. Anyway, Shushanna is eventually talked into liking Jordan. Unfortunately. he’s wants to see how things go with Cassandra.
We end with Shushanna sobbing and John telling us that next week is going to be a total shit show. Also, we get some outro footage of Yuki naming fruit in Japanese with Wells. Seriously, what do I have to do to be best friends with Yuki?
Well, next week is our finale. Until then, Trashies!
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