Hey y’all! Welcome to THE END!!!!!! The final installment of the RHONY Reunion. Pour yourself a glass of your particular poison- Wine, Booze, Green Juice, Velveeta Cheese, SkinnyGirl, Drano and let’s get started.
We ended last week with Bethenny and Carole in a battle royale- fight to the death. At this point we are dissecting minutia and it’s so exhausting.
Let me point out- for the record, MisRed doesn’t dislike Bethenny. Well, wait, yes, she does. But she really dislikes ALL of them. But she doesn’t dislike Bethenny any MORE than the rest of them. In fact, Sonja is the one that REALLY triggers her. BUT Bethenny has been particularly nasty this season, in MisRed’s opinion. Carole is not faultless. I’ve said many times, but Carole doesn’t morph into a forked-tail beast during arguments and it’s really so unbecoming on Bethenny.
Alas, the Bethenny and Carole fight continues. The next transgression is an Instagram story of Carole’s. In the story, it is mainly Carole’s friend “Cassandra” speaking of SkinnyGirl and how “SkinnyGirl” is inappropriate as it’s not acceptable to suggest that someone should be skinny.
Bethenny’s imitation of the Instagram story, vs the ACTUAL Instagram story
We really are such a bunch of spineless, touchy betches in this country, aren’t we? The fact that people are triggered by a word such as “skinny” or “fat” or “vagina that qualifies for an EZ Pass” is cray.
Ramona asks Andy if they can move on. Ramona Singer, the voice of reason. Now I know something is very WRONG with this world.
Carole doesn’t understand how Bethenny even saw the Instagram story as Bethenny blocked Carole and Dorinda on Instagram?
The topic of Red Scarf comes up. Andy asks if anyone is still in touch with him? Carole claims she is still in touch with him. Carole says she questioned him about Bethenny and he said that he didn’t have anything with Bethenny. Carole didn’t understand why, in Colombia, Bethenny was so INTENSE and ANGRY. Well, that ain’t just in Colombia honey… Bethenny says that Carole was “smug.”
Hmmm. That’s not how I remember it. I know Bethenny CLAIMED Carole was being smug, but I think Carole was not clued into everything that went on. Carole didn’t have any idea about what had been said between Red Scarf and Bethenny. Just as Ramona didn’t know either, hence she decided to glom onto him for cocktails. Bethenny WAS unreasonably nasty at that dinner, acting like a) Carole was pathetic for going out with him and b) acting angry that Red Scarf liked anyone but her.
Ramona doesn’t either. Mainly because of her wonky eye.
Ramona says, “You don’t see yourself.” Well, I mean, none of these betches see themselves, otherwise they would have put their heads in an oven long ago.
Carole says that Bethenny told a false story about Red Scarf and his texts. Supposedly the story was, Bethenny said she tried to set Carole up with Red Scarf the night of speed dating. We flash back to Bethenny reading Red Scarf’s texts in the car in Colombia- seemingly Red Scarf was pursuing Bethenny.
Carole, reading from her phone, says after speed-dating Bethenny texted Red Scarf- seemingly pursuing him. I think. Everyone is talking over one another and even closed captioning has given up.
It just says <overlapping conversation.”
Red Scarf is a little bitch.
Carole says that Red Scarf screen-shotted (is that a word?) all of the texts between himself and Bethenny. This tells you everything you need to know. Red Scarf is a little bitch. And he was just trying to lock down a housewife, which we already suspected.
They argue and talk over each other. Carole tells Bethenny to get off her jock. Bethenny has a text message where she told Red Scarf that she could easily set him up with Carole. Carole claims that text was NOT from the night of, but 5 days AFTER speed dating.
Frankly, they are both yelling over one another, Bethenny shows Andy her phone, and Andy, of course concurs, and Bethenny launches off her seat, shoves her phone in Carole’s face yelling, “Boo Yah BITCH” in triumph.
See!!!! I WON!!!!
What has she won, exactly? She lost a friend.
And then calls Carole a “Shmoron.” Mature and intelligent. Go roll with your Snomies, Bethenny.
What rope does MisRed pull to have a piano fall on my head?
Bethenny tells Carole to “get your life together” and to “get a hobby.”
Bethenny telling you to “get a hobby” is the equivalent of putting a horse head in your bed. It’s the same thing she told Jill Zarin.
Bethenny needs to get some new material.
Then she tells Carole to “get a career.” Why is Bethenny so concerned with Carole’s life anyway? Isn’t she overloaded and stressed and completely consumed by her own life so much so that she’s crying in Colombian freezers?
Sonja pipes up “Andy, this is a power play in egos. That’s what’s going on. Nobody even wants the Red Scarf guy. He doesn’t even live in Manhattan.” As if not living in Manhattan is a crime.
Sonja, surely there is some unexplored penises landing at JFK- focus on that.
Andy says that they need to move on. Thank you, Andy. For once. He asks where do Bethenny and Carole go from here?
Pay per view Ultimate Fighting? Cage match? Street fight? I mean, any of these are as grueling to watch.
Carole says she has been trying all season to get back on track with Bethenny. Bethenny disputes that Carole tried to save the friendship. To which Carole responds, it was only AFTER she saw all of the comments in the “confessionals” where Bethenny said unkind things about her- that she realized this friendship couldn’t be saved. She really thought after the end of the season that they could hit the reset button, but after she saw the show, she knew it was pointless.
Dorinda concurs that Carole did indeed say this to her- that she wanted to repair the friendship. Not that Dorinda is the most credible witness these days… JOVANI.
Bethenny says that Carole changed, and Carole says “Yes, my eyes are open.”
Sonja says that they have both changed- maybe for the better but definitely changed. SHUT UP, SONJA. Dorinda says that they shouldn’t say they are done- “Justputacommaonit.”
Bethenny says that they are done especially after Carole’s blogs. Carole is like “Yeah, a blog that nobody reads.” LOL. Bethenny even ARGUES about that.
And we go to commercial with them STILL fighting about who said what and who was meaner.
Can somebody pass MisRed the hemlock?
I can fully see that Bethenny could be an awesome friend to have, until she isn’t. And I can also say the same for Carole. Bethenny is a damaged, endless pit of sucking need and insecurity, and Carole is emotionally detached. The needier Bethenny gets, the more it makes Carole retreat.
Oh good, we come back from commercial just in time to get the Sonja clit clip package. Andy says that Sonja came back REFRESHED from her trip to Costa Rica.
And Sonja is a vegan.
Andy says that for the most part Sonja found herself on the outside looking in. We review clips of Sonja bashing Tinsley saying that Scott paid for her gift certificate to BG’s and that Tinsley is, basically, cheap AF and didn’t spend a single dime when she was staying at Sonja’s house.
I gave her all the brown ice a girl could want!
Sh*t. She probably felt like she was in a third world country living at Sonja’s and was AFRAID to show ANY cash for fear of kidnapping. I mean, Pickles flashed a fiver once and hasn’t been heard from since.
We review the Tinsley / Sonja fight at the party Ramona “threw for Carole.” The one where Tinsley told Sonja to her shut her mouth and her legs.
The fight between Sonja and Dorinda where Sonja compared her divorce from Mr. Morgan to Richard dying. Then her tier two fight with Ramona about Ramona suggesting Sonja apologize for upsetting Dorinda. AND the text where Sonja called Ramona an “unfeeling POS.”
LOL and Ramona didn’t know POS meant? Am I remembering that correctly or did I just make that up? I’m too lazy to check.
We review Sonja’s fake shoe line and the deer she stole from the Morgan Family Crest. We see the argument between Dorinda and Sonja where Dorinda said that the deer is from her ex-husband’s crest and that Sonja ISN’T a Morgan.
We review the further blow-out at the Mayflower where Sonja INSISTS that the Morgans are still her family. Sonja saying that she is still very much a part of the Morgan family and its history. And there is “no way I’m letting this family down.”
Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahah, Oh Sonja. You are right. Every family tree has a skank in it and you are that to the Morgan Clan. Congratulations.
Things are really shaping up at that Townhouse.
We see some previously UNSEEN footage of Sonja vacuuming computer #3, packing to leave her townhouse and screaming “Where are my Birkins? Where’s my Christian Dior? Where’s my Yves Saint Laurent?”
We see an assistant… Oh I was wonder what happened to Wendie Jo Scerber… just saying “Basement.”
Awwww, Rest In Peace, Wendie Jo Sperber
Just kidding, Wendy Jo died in 2005. They probably buried Pickles right next to her.
We see the townhouse stripped bare.
The new tenants ordered a black light examination of all of Sonja’s mattresses.
And it isn’t pretty.
Sonja is shown CRYING in PIP.
Sonja is now living in a cardboard box, I mean, an apartment on Columbus Circle, she claims to have a rooftop that her dog loves. OMG, you know Sonja is letting that dog crap all over that roof. Sonja says her new apartment is “so my style”
There’s a turn style at the front door, and dildo-covered walls, and penicillin comes directly out of the faucets.
Andy asks that ladies if any of them thought this day would come. Of course, Bethenny says she did because she was involved. Of course, Bethenny was involved. She’s such a great friend to Sonja… this season. The ladies say that they are proud of Sonja.
A viewer asks Sonja if something happened over the summer to make her start taking medication and do the retreat in Costa Rica?
Sonja says “Well, when Bethenny talked to me about MY partying too much, she had suggested getting therapy and talking to a psychiatrist and I did.” OMG. Sonja you are so FULL OF SHIT.
And while we are at it- Bethenny should take her own advice because NOBODY needs therapy more than Bethenny.
Sonja continues that it was suggested that she take an antidepressant and it made her gain weight. But as she was weaning herself off the anti-depressant “I was just saying everything right off the top of my head.”
Andy says, “You are blaming your diarrhea of the mouth on going off the antidepressant?”
She says that she MEANT all of the things she said, she just probably shouldn’t have said them. I love how Sonja is blaming the antidepressant. What’s her excuse for the past 7 seasons?
So what Sonja is actually saying is- her first inclination on most topics is to be a hateful betch. Good to know. Sonja says she had harbored resentments toward Tinsley, even though they had made up.
Ramona asks Sonja if she stopped the medication cold turkey or if she got off the meds gradually. Sonja’s response, which makes as much sense as anything else she says, “No, I actually went a little bit cold turkey without talking to the doctor.”
“A little bit cold turkey.” SMH. I went a little cold turkey but I remained a vegan…
Andy asks Tinsley if she believes the “antidepressant excuse?” Tinsley is like – No. She wasn’t even with Scott at the time when Sonja was saying he was supporting her. And Tinsley thought the things she said were super-hurtful.
Ramona interjects saying that quitting an antidepressant cold turkey will completely f*ck with your head. And DrRed concurs that it’s VERY DANGEROUS to quit and antidepressant cold turkey and one should always wean off under the care of an actual doctor.
And MisRed should know- this is MY doctor.
Carole says, deadpan, “Why does it only make you say nasty things?” LOL Sometimes I love Carole.
Sonja mumbles some excuse. And Tinsley goes in on her that Sonja, basically called Tinsley a prostitute.
Another viewer question for Sonja. Wow, Andy must have had to dig deep- two people who give a rat’s ass about Sonja. The viewer says that Sonja really went after Dorinda for talking about Richard too much and the view says, “Don’t you think she has a right to?”
Sonja responds – Absolutely. But she thinks that she should also be able to vent and talk about the things she wants to talk about. True. She should. But it’s the COMPARISON that gets Sonja into trouble.
Sonja STILL maintains that it’s her divorce is the same as a husband dying.
He’s not lost. He’s just HIDING from you.
Bethenny, of course, has her two cents to put in- she says that her husband didn’t die, she just wishes he would and is actively trying to find someone to make that happen… just kidding, she DID NOT SAY THAT. So if the FBI or Keith Morrison is reading this… MisRed just completely made that up. Also… don’t look at my google search history. I’d be in the next cell from Bethenny, and MisRed could NOT take that.
What Bethenny actually said was that people mourn situations differently and that it takes some people longer to get over things than others. Yes, true. But if Sonja wasn’t licking Bethenny’s ass all season, you know Bethenny would have been breathing fire in her face saying how Sonja needs to “keep it moving” and all of her other Bethenny-isms.
Dorinda points out that it’s been 13 years since Sonja’s divorce and she can’t imagine how it would be if she was “mourning” Ralph (Dorinda’s first husband) and if she had to see him all the time, etc. Sonja yells that she’s not “mourning” her ex-husband.
Uh, yes, she is. And didn’t she say it was like a death, blah blah blah?
Bethenny points out that Dorinda got into another relationship, Sonja didn’t. Dorinda corrects Bethenny saying she met Richard seven years after her divorce, so she didn’t hop right into another relationship.
Yeah, well, maybe if Sonja didn’t f*ck everyone within the first 5 seconds of meeting them, she could build a relationship with someone too.
Dorinda says that she has done both- divorce and death. And that death is a loss and divorce is a choice. Sonja says that it wasn’t her choice to get divorced. “The bottom fell out of our marriage and there were a lot of people who helped us decide to get divorced.”
As always, Sonja makes zero sense. Does anyone out there know the whole sitch on her divorce? I just messaged someone who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who might have banged Sonja on a sink. She said she thinks Sonja cheated but didn’t know for sure.
Frankie from Santa Fe, New Mexico asks of Dorinda, “Why does every word out of Sonja’s mouth trigger you so much? It seems clear to me that you just don’t like her.” LOL great question. Could have been directed at MisRed quite frankly.
Sonja says “That’s true.”
Dorinda answers that it’s a funny thing- that when they are together one on one they are actually quite happy to be together but it’s something about the RHONY environment that triggers her with Sonja.
MisRed’s answer? MisRed has a REAL problem with people who are full of shit, and people who believe their own hype. Sonja is so full of her own delusions and constantly spews utter nonsense. It’s infuriating.
Another viewer asks why Dorinda got so upset about Sonja using the deer from the Morgan family crest on her shoe? It’s the same argument and MisRed is tired of it. Sonja is not a Morgan. If her daughter wants to make a goddamn fugly shoe that nobody will ever buy and use the Morgan deer- that’s one thing, but Sonja using it screams of elitism.
Bethenny takes issue with this because Carole said it.
Why is Bethenny even involved? Does she want to use the Hoppy Family Crest for something?
This would look great on some ugly shoes. Or maybe some bologna.
They all start bickering and Ramona stands up because she “has a cramp.”
The conversation was not focused on me so I am creating a diversion.
LOL oh, Ramona. MisRed has a friend who pulls this stunt. If the conversation goes on too long without being focused on her, she feigns a leg cramp to draw the attention back to her.
Andy asks Sonja how often she actually sees Mr. Morgan? Sonja says she does see him… through the window when she’s creeping around in the bushes outside his house. She says that it’s getting better by the day but “I felt I lost my best friend over lawyers.”
Was Sonja getting gangbanged by a bunch of lawyers and Mr. Morgan found out?
They end the Sonja package by asking if she’s okay with everyone there. Who cares?
Oh Jesus, we are getting a separate Carole clip package. Sweet Jesus- did anyone else know that Carole ran the NYC Marathon? MisRed must have missed that.
We have not had enough Marathon talk!!!
Her clip packaging contains, the Marathon, her writing 7 paragraphs for Cosmo, her break-up with Adam and their subsequent “coffee” and coffee dates. Nothing about her egg-ordering thought process. Hmm.
Andy asks Carole if there is anything romantic going on between she and Adam? Carole says he has been texting her a little, but she has been avoiding the situation. Carole clarifies that she is not running the marathon again.
Ramona interjects that she could never run 25 miles.
Good. Because the marathon is 26.2 miles.
Andy asks what Carole and Tinsley have in common? Tinsley says that Carole is a good, loyal friend, plus she set Tinsley up with Scott so it’s natural that they would form a friendship. But they really don’t see each other THAT much. Carole says that Bethenny made it seem like she and Tinsley were BFFs but it’s not the case.
Tinsley says that hurts her feelings when Carole says that.
Carole says she “is going to be honest and describe their friendship as it is and not as it was described.” Carole says she thinks Tinsley is a great girl and she’s not a dimwit … now there’s a ringing endorsement.
Bethenny interrupts- and Carole is like “I’m talking.”
Carole says that she spent 6 days in Spain with Tinsley and Scott (and Adam), but that after that she didn’t really see Tinsley until they started filming. Bethenny interjects- why, we don’t know- “So you didn’t go to Key West? Little Palm Island? Chicago? Vegas? Alcatraz? Bass Lake? Beautiful Mount Airy Lodge in the Poconos?”
Bethenny accuses Carole of TAKING VACATIONS!!!
Carole is like- No. Those are lies you tell yourself.
And because Bethenny is in 8h grade, she says “Oooooh yea, I made up a big lie about Vegas.” Carole says that she is interested in the truth and the truth is, Bethenny tells herself that the reason their friendship imploded was because Carole and Tinsley became BFFs and thick as thieves, and that simply isn’t the case.
Tinsley is like “Whaaaaaaaaa but we are close!!!!” Andy asks why being close to Tinsley is considered a crime? Tinsley is like “I KNOW!!!!”
Carole says that the only ones who are “thick as thieves” is Bethenny and Sonja and that was made clear from the beginning.
Bethenny has quite an army.
An ego-maniacal Cabaret “star” with a mountain of personal issues and a delusional ho who thinks eating vegan includes oysters and shrimp.
Andy says that he’s confused because Carole and Tinsley seemed to have hung out all season. Carole says she hung out with Dorinda a ton too, even though she didn’t make her a roasted chicken and two bottles of wine after the marathon.
Ramona is like HELLO?!?!?!!?!
WHAT ABOUT RAMONA?!!?!?!
A viewer writes that Carole identifies as a journalist, but it’s been two years since she last wrote anything- plus she has been very open about missing deadlines. Is Carole a serious journalist or not?
Carole says that yes, she identifies herself as a journalist, but the bulk of her career as a journalist was at ABC News, and she worked there from 1988 to 2001 or 2002. Bethenny has to insert herself “That was 17 years ago!” Carole says it’s been 14 or 15 years – but I think Carole was saying she worked there for 14 or 15 years, not that she had been gone for 15 years. Bethenny gets out her abacus to check Carole’s math.
Carole is like “Why, are you making a point, Bethenny?”
Carole says she worked at ABC News for 15 years, and then she worked for Glamour Magazine and wrote a column for them. Bethenny says “Is THIS your resume?”
For f*ckssake Bethenny- SHUT UP. In the words of you, “If we need you, we’ll call you.”
Carole says that she will put her resume up against Bethenny’s any day. So that, apparently was an invitation for Bethenny to run down her resume because we aren’t already aware that Bethenny is the most successful human being on the planet and it has absolutely nothing to do with this TV show.
Hang on, MisRed needs more coffee for this.
Bethenny was “a personal assistant to Jerry Bruckeimer.” How does he take his coffee?
“Worked for Lorne Michaels, Kathy, Paris and Nicky Hilton.”
How do they take their coffee? Did she mop up after Paris’s sex tape?
“Then I moved on to become a natural food chef and had my company Bethenny Bakes.”
Which was a failure, “Created the fastest-growing liquor brand in history…” Ok, now there is an accomplishment.
Carole agrees that all of that is great and she will match her resume to that.
Ugh. Can this end? Please. They have completely different careers.
I do not understand why Bethenny feels she has to shame Carole and her career in order to make herself look more successful? Oh wait, yes I do. Bethenny is an insecure asshole who puts other people down to feel better about herself.
We get it Bethenny, you are successful and have a lot of money. Copy that. Now, can you STFU?
Carole, AGAIN, says that her blogs – which, btw, were the last thing she wanted to write- were her way of holding Bethenny accountable. They bicker some more.
Ok, moving on to happier topics: Cartagena. We see Ramona in a wheel chair, Bethenny crying in the freezer, Sonja flashing the group and leaving the price tags on her bathing suit.
Here is Sonja, not letting the Morgan Family down!
Them almost dying on their cruise. The Diarrhea Situation. Ramona pooping on the floor. Luann pooping in the bed.
Andy says Ramona was very laid back when it came to picking rooms on their various trips this year. Ramona says that she believes she has evolved. And she used to feel ENTITLED to the larger room, but now she knows that not the proper way to be.
Everyone is like “WhaWhaWHAT?!!?!!?”
LOL. I love that Ramona believes herself to be capable of growth. You know someone held a shank to Ramona’s throat and threatened her if she DARED to room jockey this season.
Andy asks Bethenny if she let her feelings about Carole make it impossible for her to enjoy the Colombia trip? Bethenny says it wasn’t solely about Carole- but that Carole and Tinsley were very close … Carole shakes her head and Bethenny almost launches herself off the couch at Carole. Bethenny says she will just wait until Carole’s commentary ends.
Yes, it’s Carole who has been the constant interrupter today.
Bethenny- you really have no ability to self- assess. You have been INTERUPTING everyone this ENTIRE reunion. Jesus.
Bethenny says that she was stressed going into the trip and everything in her life had snowballed and her mood impacted everyone, and she apologizes.
Carole says that she is very sensitive to unstable energy and it feels menacing to her and makes her feel unsafe.
Carole says that she is very sane and approaches even emotional issues logically- which is probably why she doesn’t’ get into hugging, etc. Well that’s her first mistake with these betches- attempting to apply logic to illogical beings. Carole says that she found out WHY she does this- it’s because “I have a ginormous hippocampus.”
Funny, she looks so thin on TV.
Who knew Hippos even went to school?
The women all laugh and Carole tries to explain that she just had a brain scan….
Sonja, the genius, interrupts saying “I like to hug and I have a very small cannisis. But I have a huge vagina, apparently.”
Did anyone say that Sonja’s vagina is “huge?” I mean, it’s really just an assumption, right? It has plenty of MILEAGE on it and God knows, it’s over capacity, but nobody ever commented on the actual size. Do we have proof that it echoes?
The Hippocampus, Carole explains, doesn’t allow people to react emotionally to things- and hers is in the 99th percentile. Well, I’m sure her parents are very proud.
Andy asks Tinsley if it ever occurred to her that the women might not like Cartagena? She says she wasn’t really concerned with it and Bethenny says that sometimes you just get unlucky on a trip, etc. Tinsley says that she has experienced that same rough boat trip before and not that Tinsley wasn’t worried, but she was trying to keep calm for everyone else. Ramona, of Sonja says, “She was peeing ON me! Do you have any idea what I can catch from her bodily fluids? Drowning would be preferable.” All of the women were terrified, and Ramona can’t swim. And she didn’t have her noodle with her on the boat.
Andy is like- you really don’t know how to swim? Ramona is, like, INCREDULOUS, that Andy didn’t know Ramona didn’t know how to swim? Andy was like, if I’d know that I would have pushed you in a pool myself. We see a flashback of Ramona and her beloved noodle.
Wait. It suddenly all makes sense.
Tinsley says she will plan the next trip with “Tinsley Travels” which Bethenny suddenly finds HYSTERICAL.
Bethenny is so lining up Tinsley to be one of her soldiers next year
“Tinsley Travels- Trips That Make You Skinny.”
Bethenny instantly calls her a cheater brand, and a fraud and a slut and she wants nothing to do with her ever again.
“When a brand rides on the coattails of another brand and kind of uses a similar name, they call it a cheater brand. I’m completely insulted, and I don’t want anything to do with you.”
We move on the diarrhea, which seems like a cakewalk compared to the Bethenny/ Carole Feud. Bethenny tells us she has had chronic constipation her entire life. Like we couldn’t have guessed that.
Lu sneaking off to drop off some fresh hot fudge.
Tinsley says she got diarrhea when she got home. They said they had a parasite.
Parasite isn’t another word for penis, Sonja.
Sonja says she had two parasites. Of course you did, Sonja. And it’s not nice to call Rocco a parasite. He seemed genuinely into you. And literally.
Ramona’s poop-smear is raised, and Andy wants to know how poop just falls out of one’s butt. Oh, sure Andy. You don’t know how stuff falls out of one’s butt? Gimme a break.
Andy asks everyone their biggest regret of the season?
Bethenny: Calling Dorinda a drunk. Dorinda says that it means a lot to her to hear Bethenny say this. She and Bethenny hug.
It’s not so much a hug as a choke-hold.
Tinsley: Losing her temper with Sonja.
Sonja: Opening the Tinsley wound in the beginning of the season.
Ramona: Posting the picture of the ladies at the Mayflower on Instagram and texting Tom to see if she could come to his NYE party.
Andy asks Carole for her biggest regret? “Was it saying I am full of sh*t earlier?” Carole is like- did I say that?
Carole: That she and Bethenny could never get to a place where they could reconnect.
Dorinda: The situation between she and Lu. She hopes that they can repair their friendship. AND regrets that she got drunk in Puerto Rico at Bethenny’s dinner.
Andy offers the ladies a “healthy green juice” as a toast. Ramona asks if it’s tequila? They toast to Luann.
Cheers to all hating each other again next year!!!
Except Carole… who got sh*t-canned.
Carole says, “Well that will give us diarrhea.” AMEN.
MisRed would be remiss if she didn’t tune into The Luann Show on WWHL the same night as the final part of the reunion.
Oh look, Luann is wearing Jovani and has colored her skin the Crayola shade of “Burnt Sienna.”
The other guest is Jerry O’Connell and he, LITERALLY, drops to one knee and kisses Luann’s hand.
WTF Jerry!???! Lu’s giant pumpkin head barely fits through the door as it is. STAHHHHHP!!!!
Of course, Lu is like “Thank you, now fetch me a mocktail, boy! Andy, that’s a cocktail without the alcohol.”
Seriously, what color is Lu’s skin?
It’s not the lighting because Jerry looks normal and Andy looks like he usually does- like he’s been rolling around in an ashtray.
Lu tells Andy that she has A LOT of energy. Is it okay for Lu to do speed? Just asking.
Jerry is laughing at every single thing Lu and Andy says. Ugh.
Andy asks if Lu watched the reunion? They rehash how Ramona always is good for some comic relief with her cramping and Mario calling and her face.
Luann is not amused because they aren’t talking about her.
Andy asks Luann who SHE thought looked the best at the reunion- and good old Lu, sticking to the script says, “I thought Sonja and Bethenny looked the best.” Jerry picks Sonja as well, and Lu is like “Why is the bellboy speaking?”
Andy asks Lu whose side she is on in the Bethenny / Carole Feud – and of course Lu is on Bethenny’s side because she and Carole “have had a rough couple of years.” Andy says that he thought she and Carole were okay? Lu says that she was never able to get over some of the things that Carole did to her.
Um… like…. what? Carole dating Lu’s niece’s ex-boyfriend? MisRed’s theory is that Lu wanted gross Adam for herself.
OMG Jerry O’Connell might be the biggest ass-kisser living. Or dead.
Andy shows Lu some of the areas where Lu’s name was mentioned.
Andy asks Luann what she thought of Dorinda’s commentary on their fight in Cartagena and about her saying that Lu’s trip to rehab was practically court ordered. Luann’s response “My trip to rehab was NOT court ordered.” LU says she went on her own because she wanted to take care of herself and “Dorinda doesn’t know anything about me.” She takes her sobriety very seriously. Uh huh. And she’s 51 days sober. Uh huh. And it’s been 52 days since her kids sued her.
Andy asks Luann about Tom and her drinking and whether they are related. We get a clip of Ramona saying she told Lu a bunch of stuff about Tom in Mexico and that’s why Lu fell in the bushes- and Andy’s rebuttal that Lu fell in the bushes because she had 18 tequila shots.
Lu says, “I did not have 18 Tequila shots.” It was 21 and don’t underestimate her.
Lu admits that Ramona told her some things about Tom that she didn’t know, and she was grateful that Ramona did it off camera.
Andy says that the ladies commented on Lu’s falling off the wagon and he wants Luann’s thoughts. Lu says that Ramona’s story about being “at the Beacon” with her vag out is not true. “I was never AT the Beacon this summer.” She was there on June 20, which technically was still Spring. AND she wasn’t kicked out of the other party Ramona mentions and Ramona needs to stop making stuff up to make herself look better.
Not sure how that makes Ramona look better.
Andy asks Lu about JOVANI. Lu says that Dorinda was heckling her at the Cabaret. Lu doesn’t understand how Dorinda can watch the footage and NOT be humiliated and want to change her behavior. Well, it’s the same way that Lu can watch her Cabaret act and think she has any talent.
Well sh*t. Why don’t they all change their behavior after watching the show? Why doesn’t Lu make Ictoria BATHE after seeing her on the show? Why doesn’t Bethenny stop acting like a shrieking harpy after seeing the show? Why doesn’t Carole donate her hippocampus to the zoo after seeing the show? Why doesn’t Sonja stop being such a drunk ho-bag after seeing the show? Why doesn’t Ramona just get a personality transplant after seeing the show?
The universe is full of unanswerable questions, Luann.
Andy says, at the reunion Dorinda said she envisions Lu and she rekindling their friendship. Lu says, “That’s very sweet of her, but that’s not my vision at the moment.”
Fill my eyes with that double vision
No disguise for that double vision
Ooh, when it gets through to me, it’s always new to me
My double vision gets the best of me…
Andy asked that ladies what they think Luann’s problem is and from where it stems? Bethenny, if you recall, said Lu was like a BIG BABY and just wants to be loved. Luann says “I am a child and I want to hold onto that. I love that Bethenny totally had me pegged.”
Ok, seriously, what is Bethenny injecting into Sonja and Luann?
And, oh yeah, when I think of Luann the first think I think of is “Yeah, you know, she’s really just a kid at heart!!”
Next up, Did the success of Luann’s Cabaret Show go to her head? Dorinda said that she has lost some friends due to her ego, etc. Lu says she’s not currently accepting advice from Dorinda. Luann further pontificates that her cabaret is EVERYTHING to her. Forget friends. Forget family. She has found her calling. Singing off-key, in knock-off dress from the third runner up on Rupaul’s Drag Race, while Sonja rips her clothes off, is quite a calling. Lu says if anyone is jealous, it’s just too bad.
When do we think someone is going to clue Luann in on the joke?
Andy brings some rando twink up from the audience to take Luann’s place in the Shotski and then sends him out to wait in Andy’s car until after the show.
MisRed just made that up, but … would it surprise ANYONE????
Ok, so that’s the whole scoop. Oh and, btw, Jerry O’Connell thinks it was fine for Vicki to set up Kelly Dodd’s ex-husband on a date. So, now we all know that we can hate Jerry just for his stance on Vicki Gunvalson.
MisRed made it through and hopefully you have too! If you are struggling with nightmares, please send your therapy bills to Mandy Cohen or directly to the “housewife” most triggering you. MisRed knows one thing… she needs a cocktail. Channeling Dorinda: “MisRedneedsacocktailprontoandnotanyofthatSkinnyGirlcrap…” Thank you so much for all of your support this season. This season was amazing but draining. If you can’t get enough of MisRed, and you know you can’t… come on over to Real Housewives of Orange County and help me laugh at those betches for the rest of the season!! xoxoxoxo JOVANI!!!!
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