We aren’t doing full time recaps of AHS this season, but Cyn couldn’t help but check in on the season opener!
We open on an Election Night Party in Brookfield Heights, Michigan. November 8, 2016, was also my birthday, so thanks for bringing back all those traumatic memories. This party is being held at the home of Ally Mayfair-Richards, who is played by our favorite lesbian Sarah Paulson. She is married to our new favorite lesbian, Ivy, played by Alison Pill. They have an adorable little boy named Oz. Cooper Dodson plays Oz and I already know him because I just saw him get kidnapped in the Lifetime movie “The Wrong Mother”. I’d yell at his parents, but I’m not sure what’s worse: Lifetime and Ryan Murphy, or letting him get chewed up by the Disney machine?? Tough call. Anyway, Oz is in the kitchen with his (nanny? babysitter?) while Ally and Ivy entertain their neighbors, the Changs.
I’d like to have a word with your parents, Cooper.
Eventually, as we all remember, the news starts calling all the states for Trump, and Ally refuses to believe anything until our actual favorite lesbian Rachel Maddow calls it. Spoiler, she’s gonna call it.
Meanwhile, a blue-haired Evan Peters (Kai Anderson), looking like a wannabe Heath Ledger Joker/Kurt Cobain because Murphy can’t do anything original, is celebrating the election by humping his TV and screaming about FREEEEEEDOM.
Ryan Murphy still refuses to properly light his scenes.
I guess Maddow finally called it because Ally’s face is now everything you need to know about my 2016 birthday party.
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to…
She screams “FUCK YOU NATE SILVER” which made me laugh because I remember yelling the exact same thing that night.
When Kai is done yelling about Freedom, he goes into the kitchen to blend up a bag of Cheese Puffs and rub them all over his face.
Because Ryan Murphy is the font of subtlety.
Kai’s sister Winter is freaking out because now what is she going to do if she gets pregnant and needs an abortion??
Better start sewing those Handmaid’s Tale smocks now.
And now Creepy Credits. Usually this is the best part of every AHS episode, but this season Murphy can suck my fucking ass because there is a dead dog along with all the evil clowns and Trump masks. I checked out of House of Cards in the first ten minutes because of the dead dog so you better believe this is my last AHS recap.
And now we open up on a very familiar scene, with two dumb teens making out on a picnic blanket in Twisty the Clown’s favorite park. And we know they’re going to die because these are completely unknown actors. Unknown Male Actor tells Unknown Female Actor the story of Twisty the Clown but no one seems to care much until they realize Actual Twisty the Clown is standing right over them. Unknown Male Actor pulls a gun and shoots Twisty, but bullets don’t work on him because Twisty is Amazing and one of the last actually great Murphy characters.
So bullets don’t work on Twisty, but bowling pins work super well upside the head of Unknown Male Actor, and then for extra good measure Twisty slits the throat of UMA with some sort of rusty tool and then starts just hacking his chest up while Unknown Female Actor stands there and watches. Finally she starts running, but she’s so dumb she actually hides in Twisty’s old broken down school bus. So she is basically just as dead as her boyfriend.
Oh, except wait, this was just a comic book story that Oz was reading in bed with a miner’s light strapped to his head.
I need a copy of this comic immediately
Ally confiscates the comic and then gets legit triggered by the clown on the cover and has a major freakout in the kid’s room. Ivy comes to help and we find out Ally has an “irrational fear” of clowns and her “phobias are starting to affect” Oz. How many phobias you got, Ally? Oh don’t worry, we find out soon. Spoiler, it’s a lot.
In the next scene we see the neighbor Mr. Chang is some sort of City Council member. And guess who’s there to give a long speech about ummmmm… some sort of anarchist “fear is good” insanity that makes no sense at all and I’m not going to try to explain it.
Totally sane diatribe
So Ryan Murphy has to have Mr. Chang talk down to Kai about as condescendingly as possible, because the Liberal Elites are the reason Trump is president, right?
Kai leaves, telling the council, “There is nothing more dangerous in this world than a humiliated man.” And that right there is probably the “theme” that Murphy is going to pretend he’s going with.
Now Ally is with her therapist, the great Cheyenne Jackson as Dr. Rudy Vincent. Ally is pretty sure her missing housekeeper has been “rounded up” but mostly she’s concerned about how her phobias have all gotten worse since the election. These phobias include the aforementioned clowns, but also confined spaces, blood, particles in the air, the dark, and “that coral thing on the shelf that’s been staring at me” as she points to some super ugly object in the doctor’s office.
“It’s the holes. It’s repulsive.”
I’m not going to argue with her, it might not be scary but it certainly is hideous.
Ally explains that Ivy has been helping her work through her myriad issues since the election, and laments the good old days of Obama when she felt “included in the discussion, in the world.” Dr. Vincent says his own solution to the stress was to delete his social media and work out, then tells her to start taking her damn anti-depressants like all the rest of us do to cope.
Now Ally is at the grocery store where they’re playing one of Trump’s dumb speeches over the speaker. Chaz Bono is there as a one handed cashier because Murphy always has to connect his seasons in dumb unrelated ways. Chaz looks at Ally and puts on his red MAGA cap, and then the clowns start appearing. Everywhere Ally looks there are evil clowns running around the store, even fucking on top of the watermelons.
She starts having a major breakdown and throws a bottle of rosé at the clowns, missing. Hey now, Ally, clowns might be scary but that’s no reason for alcohol abuse! She finally runs out to her car in the empty parking lot and calls Ivy, screaming “THEY’RE TRYING TO KILL ME!!” Then she spots a clown in her back seat, hits the gas and crashes into the light pole, setting off her air bags.
The episode is half over. Is there an actual storyline here? All I’ve seen so far is a batshit crazy lesbian and a bunch of scary clowns running around.
At home, Ivy explains that the only thing the grocery video cams show is Ally running around throwing wine bottles. Ally has another breakdown and wonders if she’s losing her mind and I’d say Yeah, you’re pretty much ready to check into the Asylum.
Now we head over to a restaurant called The Butchery, because again, Subtlety. Ivy and Ally own The Butchery, with Ally the “face of the house” and Ivy as the chef, but Ivy decides this is the time and place to have a Big Relationship Discussion and complains that Ally has done nothing at work since the election, and Ivy has only had one orgasm in the last month, all by herself. Come on over to my house, Ivy. Anyway Ally vows to try harder and they both agree to get a new nanny for Oz.
“You can be crazy, but you have to bring the crazy to bed too, yaknowwhatImean??”
They walk outside and as they talk we find out… we find out… that Ally VOTED FOR FUCKING JILL STEIN, and this angers Ivy as much as it should but before things can escalate further, Kai walks by and tosses his coke at them. Ally calls him an asshole and he calls her a bitch, and they all head their separate ways.
Guess who comes over for a nanny interview dressed like a goth Mary Poppins? Ms. Winter herself. And because Ryan Murphy hates recappers, he intercuts Winter’s interview with some stupid Pinky Swear Ceremony that Kai has with her.
The important things we learn besides that this season is probably going to be about Kai and his precious Pinky Swear Cult are:
- Winter majored in Women’s Studies at Vassar.
- She quit to work full time on Hillary’s campaign.
- Her proudest moment was when Lena Dunham retweeted her – so we now know that Winter is an idiot.
Oh look, Lena Dunham is actually going to be on this season. Reason #4855209 why I’m not recapping any more episodes of this crap.
We also learn that what scares her the most is Kai himself, duh. Kai’s pick of orange facial cleanser is what scares me. At any rate, Winter totally gets the job because Ally and Ivy are terrible parents.
In some dark alley, a bunch of stereotypical Mexican day workers start piling into the back of a pickup. Kai comes out of the dark and starts singing La Cucaracha. He pulls out a rubber and then unzips his pants, but instead of putting the rubber on he just pees into it and then hurls the rubber at the workers so they come beat the shit out of him. Meanwhile, someone tapes the whole thing on a phone.
Back at The Butchery, Ivy is serving Ally a tasting for the menu, but has it set up super romantic in order to spark something in their doomed relationship. While waiting for her food Ally is reading Trump’s tweets which mark the date as March 22. A covered plate is set in front of her and inside is:
A bleeding crumpet with severed fingers!
Ally sees another evil clown masturbating in the restaurant, she knocks over her wine glass and starts screaming about clowns. Ivy can see now that Ally is clearly insane, and why she doesn’t immediately get her locked up is beyond me. She shows Ally that the plate includes only a spinach soufflé (with truffle oil). “Have you been taking your medication?” she asks Ally, as if the answer even matters at this point. Bitch is Cray, get her into a damn hospital.
Back at home, Winter is microwaving soup for Oz and asking nosy questions about his parentage. Then she decides Oz is old enough to see all the fun stuff on “the Dark Web” like real people killing each other. Oz doesn’t want to do this because killer clown comics are not the same thing as actual murders, but Winter explains this is all like a “vaccination for your brain”, and while it might hurt to watch, it will make him stronger. She leaves him to the Dark while she gets him some cookies. This is one top notch nanny they hired, did they even check her references??
But then an ice cream truck pulls up across the street and Oz watches through the window as all the evil grocery clowns exit the back and line up on the street.
Commercial Break: Oh look, Ryan Murphy’s gonna screw with the Versace murder on the next Crime Story. No, I’m not recapping that either.
Ivy and Ally drive home and pull up to their whole street marked off with crime tape and filled with flashing lights. They both start freaking out as one legitimately does in this situation, but it turns out that their house is safe while in the house across the street Mr. Chang and family are all murdered.
Oz says that he and Winter saw the clowns and went over to the house where they saw them murder the family through the windows. Winter says none of that is true,they just came outside when they saw all the cops, but she shows them the Twisty comic she found in Oz’s room.
The cops say it was a murder suicide.
That night Ally wakes up to find a clown in her bed.
Look, if you’re a Trash Talk recapper and want to take over, please tell Ronnie. If you’re a reader, especially a new one, I’m so sorry but I can’t do this to myself this season. I promise I’ll find another show. I’d still love if you left me a comment (even “Your recap SUCKS”) and I’ll see you all later in the Land of More Snarkable TV. SMOOCHES! OriginalCyn OUT.