So Trashies, I bet you’re wondering what Paul’s been up to these days, since many of you are not watching anymore. Never fear, here’s Ari “Safari” 😉 , signing in to tell you all about it. But first… Jason has been making a series of tasteless rape jokes, which ran him into serious trouble with no one important.
We open with a flashback to four days before Matt’s eviction. Paul is in the hammock instructing Nat’l Hot Dog Day and Josh to target Chucklenuts and Alex. He plans to talk everyone into throwing the next HoH competition to NHDD and Josh, so they can dispatch “”Rapeylex”, who are so strong they’re even beating him. They agree to do his bidding.
“Beating YOU?! Shucks, we can’t have that”
Now it’s off to convince “Rapeylex” that Kevin is the target. Up in HoH Headquarters, Paul brainwashes Jason that the target is Kevin, and that he and Alex should throw the competition to NHDD. “Looook deep into my eeeeeyeeeesss,” he intones. They chant, “Да капитан.”
Next, Paul goes to Kevin to convince him to throw it. Kevin is a tough nut, but Paul says, “Just trust me. A little bit of faith, bud.” Kevin says, “You got it, boss!” Then Paul goes and tells Alex that Kevin is going to throw it. She says, “I don’t need a man to tell me what to do. But in your case, yes sir!”
Cut to Shirley’s office in the Rose Room. (By the by, thanks SO much, BB, for featuring the used condom drawer in the “Hide and Go F* Yourself” episode, not once, but twice! <3 u) Paul is telling Raven to throw the HoH competition while Matt nods sagely. Raven agrees, on condition that they use the code word “Trejo”, which is either a reference to actor Danny Trejo or, according to the Urban Dictionary, a really big penis. (Heretofore we’re going with the penis, for all you nickname-impaired readers.)
Now all Paul has to do is check in with Christmas, and it’s all clear for the “Paulpet” Show. Christmas says she’s literally speechless, to which Paul responds, “‘We’re’ that good, I guess.” All the HGs interview in the Diary Room that they completely trust Paul, and voilà, It’s go time!
It’s “Ready, Set, Whoa”, a track-themed competition that Paul ordered BB production to clear National Trejo Day for. First down is Kevin, who’s so worried his manhood will suffer by losing to a crippled girl, he manages to throw it by mistake. Next down is Alex, who interviews she can’t believe Kevin is dumb enough to trust Paul.
Ah, now that hit the spot.
Josh freaks out in the Diary Room.
“Whadda pack o’ MEEEEATBALLLLLS!”
Now Raven asks Paul if he’s doing this for Trejo, and he indicates that yes, he’s expecting her to throw the competition for a honking giant schlong. So Raven drops. Kevin is perturbed and confused, but who cares, it’s just Kevin. Now the Puppet Master himself throws in the towel, and it’s down to Christmas and Josh.
— INTERMISSION —
It’s time for a break, Darlin’s, so feel free to get up, stretch your legs, hit the little gender-indeterminate-person’s room, maybe pick up a bowl of popcorn. In the spirit of a little palate-cleansing for the BB-weary, here are some pics of Kevin from back in the day, plus a bonus Raven. Enjoy!
“Pahk the cah in Hahvad Yahd!”
“Let’s play shadow puppets!”
Kevin gets political
“Mm, Mama love me some high-waisted pants!”
“Note to self: purchase Saran wrap”
“Mr. Roper will be so jealous…”
Ol’ Black-and-White Eyes
“Check out my stripe, tee hee!”
“Man, I could go for a cheeseburger right now…”
“God, I’m hungry. Hungry like the wolf”
“Did I tell you ah hayuv gangreeeene?”
— *blink*… *blink*… *blink* —
Take your seats, Trashies, we’re back!
Josh tells Christmas the HoH is hers. She says, “No, you take it,” then finally agrees to win if Josh makes it look somewhat realistic (like any of this looked the slightest realistic). So Josh does a wacky somersault fail, and Christmas wins her second HoH, yay! Paul shouts in the Diary Room, “I got the one-legged girl to win a foot race. I don’t even have to make a joke! It’s hilarious! Laugh! I command you!”
Now Jason does his patented “rape dance”, and we’re good to go!
“Round up all them cripple girls ‘n’ hold ’em DOWN, yee-haw!”
Alex interviews that today is like the best day ever (National Trejo Day), that she trusts Christmas and loves her, and “I know she’s a true homey and will do what needs to be done”, proving she really is that dumb. Meanwhile, Raven does a victory dance in the Rose Room, and crows about karma, Nevermore, and all that.
“Eww… is that a condom?”
Josh, Alex and Paul do a celebration dance in the bathroom. Kevin catches them, and asks what Alex is celebrating about. Paul realizes he must do “damage control” with Kevin, who is so “paranoid” as to wonder about anything. “Just act sad,” says Paul, “That’s all you need to do.” Then he goes and hugs Raven. Raven says that now that Matt is gone, Paul is her “buddy buddy”, and makes up the obnoxious nickname we refuse to use henceforth, “Paven”.
Meanwhile, Christmas is in the kitchen with Jason, when Alex comes running in and volunteers to be a pawn.
Out in the yard, Jason kindly braces his buddy Kevin for the impact of being the inevitable next target (lolol). Kevin interviews that Jason and Paul are telling him different things, but he trusts — get ready for it: Paul.
Now we have a cute little filler Munchausen-by-proxy scene, featuring Kevin, Paul and Raven, who are chilling poolside when Raven tells them she has “rough kneecap syndrome”. She explains that her bones are deteriorating and she has no cartilage left, so they’re going to have to shave her kneecap. Paul shouts, “I thought I heard it all — Mensa, Olympic athlete, but now this?!” Jason says he’s a rodeo clown and aspiring rapist, so if anybody should have rough kneecap syndrome, it’s whomever he’s raping.
Josh gives Christmas a pep talk about how she should only be thinking of her game right now. Then Paul enters and gives them his 2¢, which is that she should put up Alex and Jason, and if Alex pulls herself off (which we wish she would), Kevin should go up, to make him sweat a bit. “Yes, O Mighty One,” chant Christmas and Josh in unison.
Later, Josh is in the kitchen pretending he’s attracted to Elena (or for-reals, if you’re squinting), when Alex runs and hides in the bathroom cabinet. Oh goody, it’s time for another one of her wacky stunts she ripped off from BB17 fan-fave James Huling! This time Jason is her target.
“Hoo-ee, so skeered I almost crapped ma pants!”
Hahaha, good times!
Hey gang, it’s time for the Tree of Temptation! Rapeynuts pretends to grab an apple, then laughs, “Hahaha, I’m just kidding! Do I look like I need a big target on my back? I might be a clown, but I’m not stupid, like all those sexy ol’ gals in the nursing home!” NTD interviews, “Oh, Jason. You should have gone for the tree, because you’re going to wish you had after nominations.” Presently, the scary announcer guy says, “The Tree of Temptation has come to an end, and can no longer help you in the game. How do you like them apples?” So that’s it for the tree, folks.
It’s nighttime, and Alex scares Josh in the dark. Now we get a montage of Christmas working out her increasingly buff body, then creepily stroking it like a long-lost loverboy.
“Ooh baby, missed the f* out o’ you!”
Meanwhile, Alex tells a showering Jason that she thinks it would be better if “they” put up two pawns and backdoored Kevin, so they wouldn’t have to deal with him being annoying for the whole week. Then they flirt and play-squabble over whether they’re both winning or just Alex is winning, because Jason is a loser and Alex is so great.
Now Alex goes running around thinking she’s choosing Josh for the second pawn, but NTD knows the real score — now all she has to do is decide if she’s going to be sneaky or not. She consults with Paul one last time…
It’s time for the Nomination Ceremony! Christmas nominates Alex and Jason. When Jason sees his face up on the board, he falls to the ground in a dead faint. Haha, just kidding! Just a rapey clown move, hahaha! But really, Jason admits in the Diary Room that he’s starting to wonder if he’s in some sort of trouble…
Back at nominations, Christmas says Alex is just a pawn, but Jason is a triple threat — physical, social, and, yes, sexual — so she’s very much looking forward to taking care of CBS’s little public relations problem, and pronto, Kemo Sabe.
Till next time, Trashies!
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