TrashTalkCeleb: Kim Kardashian, Kylie Jenner, Flavor Flav, Robert Pattinson, Sarah Michelle Gellar & Freddie Prince Jr.
Celebitchy – Kim Kardashian Speaks for the People
Today I have the day off and I’m spending this sleepy, rainy, and uncharacteristically chilly Richmond Friday on the couch with Uber McDonalds and E!’s 10-year-anniversary Kardashian marathon. And I was thinking to myself, did the Kardashians vote for Trump? I thought – I dunno – maybe. Like, we know Caitlin did. And we know Kanye definitely had that bizarre, completely batshit meeting at Trump Tower after the election. And we know Kim’s ex-best friend slash boss Paris Hilton did. And we know that this family, like Trump, values their brand (aka, cult to their personality) above all else. But then Kim came out in Harpers Bazaar Arabia and had this to say about our Flaming Hot Cheeto in Chief, probably proving me wrong:
Anyone can run the U.S. better. My daughter [North West] would be better. We’ve worked so hard to get to where we were and to have so many things that we were so proud of in our country, to just literally revert backwards is the most frustrating thing. Every single day when you can’t really believe what’s going on, the next day it’s something else even more crazy and tragic. It’s really scary, the world that we’re living in now. And when you did feel safe at home, now with Trump in presidency, you just don’t feel safe any more.
… whoa. You guys, I know I’m going to get stoned for this, but I actually sort of like the Kardashians. I think they’re funny, empathetic, if not completely vapid people. And this message from Kim confirms it. SUE ME.
Jezebel – … And Then We Get This Shit from Kylie.
I take it all back. Here’s decorated zoologist Kylie Jenner on nature’s most fearsome pest:
Butterflies are just a part of the secrets of Kylie… It’s kind of just ironic cuz I’m terrified, terrified of butterflies… All butterflies. This is how I think of them: cut the wings off and if you just look at their bodies, they’re not that pretty. It’s literally a bug.
Literally, A BUG. Thanks, Kylie, for exposing us to the heinous lies of Big Butterfly.
D-Listed – You Know What Time it Is
It’s time to have a heartily collective chuckle over the fact that the ashy dried out dog turd known as Flavor Flav is issuing lawsuits. Do you guys even think Flav knows how lawsuits work? I don’t. I think Flav just uses the words when he’s standing alone in front of cable box pounding on a remote control trying to get the television on HDMI1 so he can watch Flip or Flop and then just jumps up and down like a petulant child, hollering to the ceiling that he’s suing Sony.
Well, this time around he’s suing Chuck D, front man for Flav’s former band Public Enemy, for missed royalty fees and merchandising revenue. Chuck D understandably balks at this accusation. So do I, because if I remember correctly from his appearance on Celebrity Wife Swap (you guys, it was so hilarious and adolescent), Flav lives in a hollowed out abandoned McMansion on the outskirts of Las Vegas and does nothing but throw Taco Bell at his kids before he disappears to get high. How much do you wanna bet his house is really the old Flavor of Love joint, stripped of its two-bit hookers and bottom shelf liquor? You guys, I bet it’s that house.
Just Jared – Speaking of Shitty Real Estate
… apparently greasily coiffed mouth breather Robert Pattinson once lived next door to Dustin Diamond, aka Screech, aka candidate for World’s Most Reviled Garbage Person. Pattinson admitted in an interview with Ryan Seacrest (god, poor Bobby Pattz) that he spent time as Diamond’s neighbor when he lived in Hollywood’s Oakwood apartment complex, “a place where up-and-coming actors stay.” God. Of course some skeevey middle-aged douche nozzle like Dustin Diamond stayed at a stable for Hollywood’s ingenues, just trying to make it on the CW as they begrudgingly struggle with the soul-crushing alternative to say fuck it and do porn. I would assume that Pattinson had to suffer through nights of loud house music blaring through his walls, only slightly muffling the sounds of Diamond molesting some poor 23-year-old from Wisconsin, but apparently that wasn’t the case. Quoth Pattinson: “I loved it. I really miss it. Dustin was the first person to introduce me to Hot Pockets! I’ll always be appreciative.”
Who am I to begrudge a Hot Pockets virgin. A monster, that’s who I’d be.
People – Always End on a Low Note
Today that low note is wishing Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prince Jr. a happy 15th anniversary. Happy anniversary, you overwhelmingly boring white people.
Have a lovely holiday, folks! Join me as we bid a big Fuck You to Summer!
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