Is this season over yet? So far, so boring. What do you guys think? How many more wake-ups until this season is over.
Remember when Vicki used to pretend to sleep when she was bored? Like, when the focus and attention wasn’t on her? And remember how it used to piss everyone off?
So incredibly rude.
The entire audience is doing this, Vicki.
Where did we leave off? Emily’s husband, Turtle has ruffled some feathers with the ladies by asking Gina to leave his house after a party when she was a little loud and dropping F-bombs. The girls wonder if Emily is in a bad marriage? Shannon thinks some of the Turtle’s actions remind her of David, although, she admitted she was projecting her marriage issues onto Emily’s situation. Fair enough. What could possibly go wrong? Kelly and Vicki seem to be back on the mend after Vicki broke girl code by setting Kelly’s ex-husband up on a date. MisRed, for one is not convinced Kelly has forgiven and forgotten. It’s a scab just waiting to be picked, and MisRed is here for it. Shannon was awarded $30k/month in court- her temporary support settlement. We learned that David flipped out at court, so Shannon asked for it to be reduced to $22.5k/month. Shannon is far too generous in MisRed’s opinion. Archie requires a lifestyle and he’s going to have to cut back on his treats at this reduced amount. And Tammy Sue is about to turn on Shannon. Mainly because Shannon is so caught up in her own David.David?David! drama, she hasn’t, according to Tamra, asked about Eddie’s health.
The episode begins with our favorite cast member, ARCHIE, rushing to the front door. Shannon’s trainer “Steven” coming over to work her out. If Mark Wahlberg and Andrew Rannells had a baby, it would be Steven.
Shannon has a new interview look.
Nope. Not today.
Um, no. Shades of Ramona pony and that is NOT working for MisRed.
Steven runs Shannon through a series of exercises which she finds embarrassing.
She then spills her guts to him about David and her weight gain, and that she’s wearing spanx and that she’s not ready to date. What needs to happen is that Steven needs to take Shannon upstairs and bang her like a screen door in a hurricane. Not that MisRed is objectifying Steven- and MisRed isn’t entirely sure he isn’t gay, but she needs someone to throw her a bang immediately.
3 Helping of Boring and some Earthworms for the Turtle
Tamra and Eddie meet Emily and Turtle for dinner. Tamra interviews that she has known Emily for three years, but doesn’t really know Turtle at all, so she is looking forward to getting to know him, so she can judge him, being a good Christian and all. Emily and Turts ask after Eddie’s health. Turtle says Eddie LOOKS like he has good energy. Well, I mean, compared to Turtle, a sloth appears to have good energy. Eddie says that he can’t work out hard, but he feels pretty good. Oh, also, he went off of his medication so he’s feeling more like himself. No, the medicine isn’t optional, Eddie just took himself off of it. Good decision, if you know, you want to, like, possibly, die. Tamra says that Eddie is still taking blood thinners otherwise he might have a stroke. Pleasant dinner conversation.
Tamra says to Turtle, “I heard you threw Gina out of your house?” Turtle explains that he asked, several times, to keep the noise level down.
Well that was big of him.
This is something we didn’t see, nor have we heard before. Turtle tells Tamra that he would be happy to recreate the scenario with her, if she’d like. Emily says he’s being sarcastic. She interviews that Turtle is very witty. We haven’t seen that either. And he likes to engage in this type of banter. Belligerent banter? And people don’t get it and they think he’s being rude when he really isn’t. Sure.
To get away with being VERY sarcastic, you need to have certain facial expressions to allow the recipient of your jabs banter know that you aren’t just being a total douchenozzle. Otherwise, you just seem like a total douchenozzle, which is how Turtle appears.
Back at the table, Turtle says, “She thinks I’m being sarcastic, but there’s a lot of truth to what I say to her.” Oh ok, so he has clarified, he is truly, just an asshole. Thanks for clearing that up.
Tamra wonders if Turtle is just misunderstood. No. No, he is not.
Over at Kelly’s House of Tacky White Pleather, Jolie is making brownies (or something) from a box. She tells us, even though that box doesn’t say so, you are supposed to mix the dry ingredients together, and mix the wet ingredients together and then combine them. She says, “I’m a maven, I should know.” Whoops!
I’m running this bakery with the impractical countertops, NOT YOU!!!
I mean, she says she’s an expert. Ok, not going to pick on Jolie as she’s the most grounded woman on this show, and she’s currently raising her mother, but honey, it’s box brownies, dump everything in a bowl together and mix, it will be fine.
They discuss the real estate options Kelly has- ranging from $1.6million to $4million. Jolie doesn’t love any of the options and thinks they could nab something on a short sale. Kelly thinks she and Michael have spoiled Jolie.
So, Kelly is going to make Jolie volunteer at a Soup Kitchen, so she learns how to appreciate what she has and knows how to give back and remain grounded.
Steve the Crooked Cop has defrosted some chicken for dinner and he and Vicki are having a glass of wine.
Photos from Steve’s audition for Shady Detective #3 on OCPDBlue
Wait. Did Vicki just pimp Aldi Sauvignon Blanc? Aldi… no. Don’t do that.
Vicki says she has been looking through her pictures- which you know she looks at pictures of herself constantly, and someone commented that one of the pictures looked like it should be she and Steve’s engagement photo. We see the photo, it’s the two of them walking down a trail.
Well Steve is walking like a regular person and Vicki is lumbering along like a Zombie per usual. And honey, those rolled up jeans do nothing to negate your dumpiness. You want to ELONGATE the leg. Can somebody dig up Joan Rivers and get her on this sh*t show?
Vicki interviews that she really needs to know if Steve is going to marry her. They’ve been together for 2-1/2 years and if he isn’t going to marry her, she needs to make some harsh decisions. “I’m a marriage girl. I want to be married.” Oh Vicki. Give it a rest. He is not into you. He’s just here to be on the show. When he bones you, he closes his eyes and thinks of someone else… ANYONE else.
She reminds Steve of her birthday- and he’s like- I know. Trust me, Vicki put it in his calendar, and she’s put up sticky notes all over the house as a reminder to him. She says that you get one day a year when people want to give you attention- and she’s taking it. If only Vicki was content with ONE day. She says that she wants to have the girls go golfing because Steve bought her golf clubs.
Remember when she went golfing with Donn and bitched and moaned about how boring it is and how it was a waste of time and she really would rather have been working? Yeah, me too.
We get a flashback of Vicki’s birthdays, including THE RED DRESS.
Burned in MisRed’s retina for ALL ETERNITY
Steve says he has something planned, but it’s not a party. Vicki says robotically “iloveyousomuch.” He responds, without looking at her, “loveyoutoo.” Yeah, these two should, totally, get married. There is so much passion.
Gina meets Emily at a clothing store. And MisRed has finally figured out what it is about Emily that annoys her. All of her clothes are SKIN tight. She looks like a sausage in everything. I’m not body shaming her, because she certainly isn’t fat, but it looks UNCOMFORTABLE. Would it kill you to go up a size?
Sorry I’m late, I got stuck in my shirt.
Emily’s Tesla battery ran out and that’s why she was late. It’s hard for her.
Gina tells Emily that after she left Tanner’s there was more discussion of Turtle’s antics. Gina says that the situation reminded Shannon of her marriage to David and this is causing Shannon to worry about Emily. Gina says that she told the girls that maybe Turtle is a bad guy, maybe he isn’t but maybe it was more of a case of him just being aggravated because he was trying to put the kids to bed and the party (i.e. Gina) was too loud and he snapped.
Emily says that she doesn’t appreciate people having opinions on her marriage. Well then maybe you shouldn’t have married an asshole. She interviews there is no way she couldn’t take the comments as derogatory.
Um… yeah. That’s generally where the words come from.
Also, she wants to know “WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE?!?!? It’s just people talking out their mouths…” as opposed to where? Oh right, you should have said “Talking out their asses.” This one passed the bar on the first try. Yikes.
Gina does clarify that Shannon accepted the fact that she was putting her personal issues onto Emily’s marriage.
Gina trying to manage the forest fire.
Gina thinks this is an issue between Emily and the other ladies. Emily agrees and thinks it’s ridiculous because they don’t even know Turtle. True. So maybe he should be on his best behavior until they can get to know him. Just a thought.
Someone cares. Not us. But someone. Terrible name.
Kelly takes Jolie to volunteer at the “Someone Cares Soup Kitchen.” Apparently, Kelly thought she dressing AS a homeless person was required.
From the Dorit collection of Beverly Orphan Beach.
Kelly says that worked her whole life- well except until she landed a sugar daddy- and she knows she has spoiled Jolie. Kelly says her lifestyle has changed since her divorce and she has to reprogram herself, as well as Jolie.
The scene is nice, and it shows that Kelly is attempting to keep Jolie grounded. Which is more than we see from most of these betches. All of them should have to work in a soup kitchen on a regular basis. Jolie is game to help and engages with the people who come in for food- for a 12-year-old, that’s major. Most 12 years olds won’t even look at you when you talk.
Crazy + Psycho = Normal. Who knew?
When they leave, Jolie thanks her mom for taking her and she says that it was the best experience ever. She says she knows she is blessed to be living such a nice life and says she wants to come back and work there again.
Ok, is Kelly winning in the MOM department? Or it could be that Jolie is just inherently a good kid. That happens sometimes too. Whichever it is, Kelly should consider herself to be blessed as well.
We move to Tamra’s with an interesting camera trick- the one where the background is in focus but the foreground is blurry and then it switches. First Tamra & Eddie’s wedding date…
and then all of the pills Eddie has to take to tolerate Tamra.
Tamra is talking to her mom, Sandy. we learn that Sandy’s new boyfriend is a pothead. He’s a plumber, who, apparently smokes weed. Tamra wants to know if she’s getting a new Dad? Tamra vents to her mom about Shannon. She doesn’t understand why Shannon isn’t asking Tamra for advice on her weight loss and/or why she isn’t coming to Cunt Fitness and using one of their trainers?
Why won’t Shannon just give me the money instead of some other trainer with level floors?
MisRed has a theory. Shannon doesn’t want to go to Cunt because a) the floors are warped b) she doesn’t want Shannon judging her or making her feel badly about her body or her progress or how hard she is working out. c) she doesn’t want to, potentially, run into David or some of David’s meathead gym cronies.
Tamra tells her mom about Shannon’s settlement and Sandy thinks that’s too much. Sandy says she has two sons and she would never want a woman to “take them” for that much money. LOL. Moms are funny, aren’t they? Wonder how she felt about Tamar not requesting a financial support from Simon?
Apparently, David wanted to take the utilities out his name and Shannon called Tamra in a panic because she didn’t know she needed to pay for water. LOL.
Oh Shannon. You live in California and there’s a drought. It’s probably cheaper to bathe in Grey Goose.
Tamra says that Shannon dumps all of her problems on her and when she gets off the phone with her, she feels DRAINED. Tamra says Shannon never asks how Eddie is going and she doesn’t care.
MisRed sees both sides of this. No doubt divorce is difficult, and Shannon needs to vent to someone. Clearly, she feels comfortable doing so with Tamra. She knows Tamra has been through a bad divorce. By the same token, when someone dumps on you constantly, you could, eventually, begin to resent it.
Shannon is a tough friend to have at the moment. I’m guessing Shannon likes to wallow. You know what I mean, she just wants to steep in her own misery and not really do anything to change the situation. It can be painful to be a friend to someone like this, but you have to accept people for who/what they are if you, truly, want to be friends…and we’ve seen Tamra be the fair-weather friend in the past. It is, however, understandable that one gets drained, especially when she is going through her own issues with her husband’s health.
These betches need a therapist. That’s a show I would watch “Real Housewives in Therapy.” From this show ALONE they would have a full docket. Then add New York in… sprinkle in some LeeAnne Locken, some Twitch Richards, it could be like CNN- 24-hour programming.
Gina and Tamra show up at Vicki’s for golf. What the actual f*ck is Vicki wearing?
Vicki looks like a week-old bruise.
MisRed has an issue, in general, with the flagrant and recreational use of ski hats. Vicki and Kelly, you live in Orange County, your head is NEVER cold. If you are skiing…ok, wear the hat, but both are wearing it to try to look cool or cute. Kelly pulls it off way better than Vicki. MisRed has a friend who wears a hat… in Houston… in the summer. And it’s a slouchy hat that I SWEAR he bobby-pins to the back of his head. I always ask him “What is the purpose of that hat?” He laughs. I’m like – No. Don’t laugh. I need an answer.
Vicki says that Steve bought her golf clubs because he was “looking for something we could do together” and since funneling Vicki’s money into an off-shore bank account is more of a one-man job, he opted for golfing.
In the car, Tamra recounts a conversation that she had with her mom about Vicki. Saying that Vicki has changed. She won’t dance on the bars in Mexico or go naked in the hot tub… Yeah, well, not since the class-action-restraining order against Vicki from the people of Puerto Vallarta. Tamra’s Mom agrees, Vicki shouldn’t be doing any of that stuff anymore.
Tamra interviews that Vicki is morphing into a Stepford Wife. Puhleeze, Vicki doesn’t have enough class to be a Stepford Wife.
A bit of trivia, the Stepford Wives is based on the town of Wilton, Connecticut. MisRed grew up in the next town from Wilton and spent most of her life working in Wilton. And…Vicki would NOT fit in there. In the words of Ramona Singer- She’s déclassé. And tacky. And crass.
As opposed to MisRed, you know. Who is, like, Princess Grace, basically.
Vicki, Tamra and Gina arrive at the Golf Course. Vicki says she “Wanted to do something fun, something we’ve never done before.”
You could… read a book.
The other girls are late. Kelly and Shannon arrive at Emily’s to retrieve her. Emily thinks it’s upsetting that the other women have an opinion about her marriage. Well, I mean, everyone is entitled to have one.
She interviews “Don’t even compare the two. You are divorced, and your relationship is tumultuous. My husband and I are together, and we have a great marriage.”
Uh. Ok. Good. But I’ve found that the people who constantly brag about how great their marriage is, uh, are usually lying- either to themselves or us. The fact of the matter is, the only people who know what’s happening in a marriage are the two people in the marriage- and even then, that is sometimes one too many.
Plus, Emily could probably break Turtle over her knee and pick her teeth with his Diet Coke fortified bones.
The girls are excited for the Drinks Cart on the Golf Course. Although Shannon is wearing a shirt that says “I’m not the drinks cart girl.” Is that a dig?
The girls do a few practice swings, and yeah, these women are a disgrace. Gina says golf is for older people.
Tamra says she brought breathalyzers and if anyone is too drunk, they can’t drive the golf cart. Thanks Tammy. Nice to see she’s being responsible after almost killing everyone at Glamis Dunes. You remember… the one where Vicki faked her neck injury.
Shannon is driving the golf care like a lunatic, and she claims to not know anything about golf. Which is bullshit because we saw her golfing with David, Jim “Mom Jeans” Edmonds and Meghan – when everyone else was almost dying in Glamis and Shannon and Meghan refused to go to the hospital because they were so disgusted by Vicki. Ah memories!!
Shut up, Vicki.
Vicki says she is drunk- and she is “all fuzzy.” Great. Tamra gives her a breathalyzer and it registers “0.0.” Vicki says that’s good, so she can keep drinking. Maybe Vicki will get run over by a golf cart.
Kelly has been playing golf since she was a kid and seems quite a bit better than the rest of these women. They spot a couple of guys on the next hole and try to chat them up.
Back off, Grandma.
They are not interested. Well that’s surprising. Men who came out to golf, seemingly taking the game seriously, aren’t interested in a bunch of old hags who talk in their back swing. Hmmm.
Vicki interviews that the other women are “So inappropriate.” And that there is a golf etiquette book- and basically, they are breaking every single rule.
Sloppy drunks who can’t play golf. Just what every country club wants.
On the second hole Vicki blows a .14 on the breathalyzer. Shannon blows a .12 and Kelly blows a .09.
Then Vicki lies down and Tamra mounts her. This really is so stupid, and it is really gross behavior on a golf course. Yes, I know, some people may consider the rules to be stupid, but if you don’t like them- don’t golf. It’s pretty simple.
This is golf, not twister.
But on a later hole, Emily confronts Shannon about what she said about Emily’s marriage. “Gina and I had a conversation and she said that you made a comment insinuating something about, like, you were concerned for my safety or there being, like, abuse or something.”
We flashback to the actual conversation between Shannon and Gina where Shannon said that it reminded her of her marriage. And then a double-flashback to Gina’s conversation with Emily where Gina said that the whole thing reminded her of something David would have done and now Shannon is concerned for Emily because it was a pattern in Shannon’s life.
Ok, so we have the receipts. The word “abuse” was never used- that we saw. AND Shannon even admitted that she is probably projecting her own bad relationship onto Emily and she knows that’s not the right thing to do.
Back on the course, Shannon says that she would never use that word- she means the word: abuse. Especially given her history, it’s not a word she would use lightly. If you will recall David was arrested for battery against Shannon in 2003- and it’s something we have never gotten the full story on… Emily says that the only thing she has heard about David is that he’s awful and sends horrible texts, etc.
Yeah, well, that’s basically it. He is also a psycho cheater who doesn’t buy enough wine for parties, can’t find the Crème Brule torch and mentally tortures Shannon with chips and salsa before dinner.
Shannon says that she said she walked on egg shells around him because he would have been very upset in that type of situation- where there was loud noise and the kids were trying to sleep. Emily says that there has to be boundaries and that if Shannon wants to meet the Turtle and if she has an issue with him, she can take it up with him.
Shannon says she apologizes but she feels she did nothing wrong- everyone was making comments about the situation and she had no intent to hurt or judge and she would never judge anyone’s marriage. Kelly agrees that Shannon would never judge anyone’s marriage.
At the restaurant, the ladies all sit down and order drinks and food. Shannon pipes right up and says “Can I ask a question… who put the word ABUSE with Shannon Beador? Because I never said it.”
David’s arrest paperwork put that word there…
Her spanx for one, but that’s not the point. And that 2003 arrest for two.
Emily chimes in – Gina said Shannon made an insinuation that she was worried about Emily because she was in an abusive relationship. Gina is like- I never said that. And she didn’t say that.
Gina explains what she said, and it’s the exact same story she told before. Shannon asks why Emily would think that Shannon used the word abuse or abusive and Gina is like- I have no idea. She recounts the conversation between she and Emily in the boutique and AGAIN accounts it accurately- and that Shannon felt like she might be projecting her own marital problems onto Emily’s situation and Shannon knew this was the wrong thing to do.
Emily is the one who is twisting the story and blowing it out of proportion. MisRed is blaming the tight clothes, she can’t possibly think straight.
Vicki, who is so full of virtue and honor scolds softly “Are you making that up, Emily?”
Except… you did.
Emily says she isn’t and has no reason to do so. But she has, in fact, inserted the word ABUSE into the conversation on her own.
Tamra is like “Why would she tell people her husband is abusive?” They all agree “abuse” is a very strong word- and Gina is like- I know- that’s why I would never say it.
Vicki, again, scolds “That’s a very strong word.” Yes, like “Cancer.” And “faking cancer.”
Tamra says that maybe it’s a big misunderstanding. Tamra Judge, the voice of reason. Tamra thinks it’s a big game of telephone and they want to know where the world “abuse” came from. Uh, it came from Emily.
They review a convo that Emily and Kelly had a few days earlier- Emily used the word “abuse” in that conversation as well – putting it in Shannon’s mouth. Gina and Emily decide to go away from the table to talk.
Shannon says to Tamra that she (Tamra) is the one who brought Emily up at Tanner’s and yet, she is the one who is getting the blame for this situation. Tamra is like “Don’t even f*cking blame it on me, Shannon Beador.” Shannon is like- I’m not, but everybody made comments and Shannon says she is not accusing Tamra of anything.
Tamra and Kelly both say, “You just did.”
Off to the side, Gina tells Emily that she really only tried to have the other side of the situation because it’s really not an issue for Gina, because it’s Emily’s husband and family that looks bad here. Emily says, “Well that’s because your husband is not around, but mine is.” Yeah, Turtle’s yahoo messenger crashed so he can’t stray.
Gina takes that as a dig and is like- Uh yeah, okay. She starts to walk away.
Back at the table Shannon says that she owned her comment and she also admitted she was projecting onto Emily. Tamra, who is, clearly, wasted, slurs “When someone makes a comment about your husband, it’s hurtful!” Shannon is so confused. Tamra says that all Shannon tells people is how horrible her husband is.
Kelly asks Tamra why she is attacking Shannon? Because it’s Shannon’s turn to be Tamra’s punching bag. Kelly interviews that she’s never seen Tamra express any anger toward Shannon.
Emily and Gina continue to talk, and Gina says that she is in Emily’s corner and they hug it out.
I’m gonna hang with you because I’ll need a divorce lawyer soon.
Shannon says that she apologized for something she didn’t even say, and that Emily attacked her on the golf course. Tamra wants to know HOW Emily attacked Shannon?!?
Shannon is like “She made me put on one of her skin-tight shirts….it was so uncomfortable.” Just kidding.
Kelly chimes in saying that Emily said that they needed to have boundaries.
Vicki interviews that this is stupid. Does it matter that Shannon has an opinion about Shane (aka Turtle)? She says it doesn’t. It only matters if people have an opinion about Brooks. And they really should be arguing about something important… like who can fake the best medical records in Orange County.
Shannon tells Tamra that she doesn’t want people putting words in her mouth. Tamra- fully lit- says that when you have a husband that you love, when someone lays into them, it’s game on. Shannon is like- I didn’t lay into him. Tamra says that Shannon compared him to David.
But she didn’t. Sure, it might be a technicality. But Shannon said that the situation reminded her of a situation that she might have had with David. And then admitted she was wrong for saying that and drawing that potential comparison.
Kelly is like- NO, she said it REMINDS her of David. And that Shannon was NOT comparing. I love Kelly sticking up for Shannon.
Shannon is like, I don’t really need this shit, and gets up and walks away.
Kelly is like- Look, you made her upset! Tamra says, “too bad.”
And another thing…
Shannon comes back and is like “Tamra, do you understand what I go through every day with my husband?” And walks away again.
Tamra is, again, like – Too bad. Kelly says she shouldn’t say that. Tamra interviews that Shannon is really good about taking situations and making them about her. That is true, but this one, Emily and Gina, kind of, made it about Shannon. And not for nothing, they are all adept at making situations about themselves.
Shannon storms off, presumably to get a nacho, and rips off her microphone.
TO BE CONTINUED
Next week, Tamra tells Steve to marry Vicki. Gina’s kids are a handful.
And this is where MisRed fell in love with Gina…
Gina offends Turtle again. Gina admits to Emily that she has marital problems. And Kelly calls Turtle “a little bitch.”
OMG I love Kelly so much! And Emily fights back:
Just call Emily “LuAnn West”
Hell, we need something to happen- fo sho. This season is supes-boring so far. So far, Gina seems to stick to a truthful story, and MisRed likes that. Shannon is in the blender already this year, but I’m glad Kelly has her back. As always MisRed loves to hear your point of view and comments. xoxoxox
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