Hi, Trashies! You have your booze ready? It’s time to deal with these jokers again!
And we finally have to talk about Evan – the dick doctor – eating a banana during the opening credits.
And I have no idea what Ashley’s is supposed to be.
Speaking of Ashley, we pick up with her crying to Jared…again. Honestly, I’m over this whole thing with them. I’m just going to go ahead and believe that this drama is a giant fame grab and they’re both in on it. Hell, Caila probably is too. It would surprise me even less if producers went up to all three of them and said, “So, here’s the story we want to go with. You guys in?”
The fight is just “I want to go home” “No, don’t go home” “But I want to!” and it’s nothing we haven’t heard before.
Here’s one more shot of Ashley’s ugly crying face.
At least Jared finally shuts her down with very clearly. After that, he goes off to talk to Caila while Ashley cries to Jorge. We even hear the sobbing while Caila and Jared talk. Also, Ashley sucks up a lot of snot.
While that’s going on, Carly is realizing that Evan is her only option, so she’s going to settle. And then they’re making out. Oh, and Evan admits that he faked an injury. Yep. Nothing says love like manipulation.
We cut to Daniel who is the only wildcard rose tonight. Every other guy is coupled up, so the women all come to him. Sarah brings him a half a cake (that she somehow baked) for his half birthday. Daniel seems like the kind of guy who could be won over with cake. In all fairness, I’d be won over by cake too.
One of the twins tries to convince the other to kiss Daniel so that they can stay. Oh, I guess the twin who has to do this kissing is Haley. Daniel compliments her butt, she promises a date card, then they kiss.
Lamest kiss ever. Cake is way better.
Ashley even takes a turn at Daniel. He’s kind of sweet to her about the whole Jared situation. Daniel seems like he’d be an pretty good friend. And then he tries to convince her to just go out and sleep with a lot of guys and he makes a lot of creepy comments about Ashley’s virginity.
With that, it’s rose ceremony time!
Grant gives a rose to Lace
Josh gives a rose to Amanda
Nick gives a rose to Jen
Vinny gives a rose to Izzy
Evan gives a rose to Carly
Jared gives a rose to Caila
Of course this happens. We knew this would happen despite Ashley’s constant complaining while the roses are being given out.
Daniel gives a rose to Haley
NO, DANIEL! You’re supposed to give the rose to Sarah. She made you a cake!
To her credit, Ashley leaves with quiet dignity. Just kidding! She’s suddenly over Jared and she begs everyone else to let her come back. Everyone says OK. How come Sarah didn’t know she could do this? Dammit, producers! Nick’s pep talk to Ashley the next morning is pretty great: “I have faith in you?” I can’t believe I like Nick so much.
As soon as Ashley says, “Bring on the men!” Carl (Andi) shows up. Does anyone else remember Carl? I vaguely do, but I’m not quite sure if I’m thinking of him or someone else. Carly even forgets his name. Let that sink in. Carly forgets his name.
And he has this fucking haircut.
Carl asks Emily on the date and that’s when Brett (Andi) walks in with a lamb…because he’s hoping that we’ll remember the gimmick that some night one cast off pulled three seasons ago.
At least he fixed his hair!
All the women gush about how hot he is. Even Izzy – who is coupled up with Vinny – says that Brett is like someone drew a man for her.
Both Carl and Brett have date cards. Of course, Josh pees all over Amanda to mark his territory. Brett is disappointed that Caila is hanging out with Jared, but he’s just going to go with his gut. And his gut says Caila! With a little prodding from Ashley (who’s totally over Jared, after all), Brett decides to ask out Caila.
PopePhilly note: So, the recap to this point was written on Thursday night. I then got super overwhelmed with real life and had to take a break. You see, I just got a new job and I’m moving to a new state to live with the future Mr. Philly. This next part is written after the “PopePhilly goes around DC drinking with all her friends one last time” tour began. That included a whiskey and ginger ale, two vodka and cranberry juices, a bloody Mary (the bartender was testing out a smoked salmon flavored vodka and it was awesome), and a shot of Fireball (because one of my friends is an ass hole). Here we go.
Ha! Evan has my favor pun ever! “Brett came in with a lamp, and Caila flipped the switch on Jared.” It might be he booze, but Evan won me over with that line. I love puns. Of course Ashley is happy to just hang out with Jared without Caila. Remember, cause she’s totally over it and all. When Jared and Caila talk, he just kind of gives her the, “I like you a lot, but go do what you gotta do” talk.
Oh, wait! Caila tells Brett that she’s going to stay behind, but she wants to go on a walk and talk to Brett anyway. She eventually decides to go on the date, but then changes her mind immediately. Then says yes and no a few more times.
This is what a people pleaser looks like.
Honestly, I think that Caila might just be afraid to hurt anyone’s feelings. Ultimately, she decides to go on the date arnd Jared is sad he was dumped for a lamp.
The date is a booze cruise and no one remembers Carl’s name… even Emily…the woman on a date with him. Back at the resort, everyone is just talking about the whole Caila-Jared-Emily triangle. Emily is trying to make Jared feel bad, I think. That last all of a minute before we’re back on the booze cruise. Apparently, Caila hates this date because she’s a Disney princess and this is so not her thing.
Holy shit, why are we watching literally nothing going on?! Ashley is just talking to Jared. Ashley’s just happy to spend time alone with Jared. I read her recaps for Cosmo, and she explained that this was cut down. After everything that happened, she just wanted to hang out with Jared as her friend and make sure they were OK. You know, that totally explains why she reiterated that she thinks Caila is a backstabbing whore.
Speak of the devil.
Caila comes back from the date and pulls Jared aside. She tells him that she only went on the date because she felt like she should. Ashley is pissed off to see them make out because we’ve gone entirely too long without seeing her cry.
Oh, hey, it seems we’re going to have another rose ceremony! Brett is trying all he can to get a rose and knows that Daniel is his biggest competition. Keep in mind, Daniel has sent home the only person who actually liked him. Oh, wait, no. It’s not a rose ceremony. Ryan B. (Kaitlyn) shows up instead. Oh, of fucking course he was interested in meeting Sarah. I a little enamored with the grey hairs in his beard (Mr. Philly just might have a little salt and pepper thing going on). Ha! Jared tries to pawn Ashley off on Ryan. Ryan, of course, knows about Ashley’s “Jared baggage.”
I just want to know where Ashley got that super 90s necklace!
Ryan decides to ask Haley on a date and Daniel throws out some pigeon and papa bear metaphors out. Haley is just happy to get away from Daniel because he’s been annoying her like crazy. Anyway, the date is just a horseback riding date. I guess people really do fall in love on horses.
Back at the resort, Grant is telling us how much he cares about Lace (after all of 10ish days) and he makes his own date for her. It’s just a couples massage. Then there’s some hot tub time and grant drops the first “I love you” of the season. Lace, on the other hand, can’t say it back…BECAUSE THEY’VE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A WEEK AND A HALF!
And now we cut to Izzy and Vinny and there’s (wait for it) trouble in paradise for those two. Vinny can see a future with Izzy, but she feels like it’s happening too fast. Izzy is still hung up on how hot Brett is. Later that evening, she doesn’t want to regret anything, so she goes off to talk to Brett (to Vinny’s dismay).
After that conversation, Izzy talks to Vinny about what she’s feeling. She’s feeling like she’s only 75% in this relationship at times and she doesn’t want to be with someone she’s not 100% sure of. Also, if a hot guy can change the way she feels, Izzy knows that she’s not ready for where her relationship with Vinny is and she doesn’t want to regret anything. I’m a little annoyed that Vinny is so mad and self-righteous about this. Remember when he was making out with Sarah 10 minutes before making out with Izzy?
Dude has no room to talk.
Ugh, I can’t deal with Vinny complaining. Like I said, the dude has no room to talk after his make out with Sarah. Also, in real time this show is 18 days. At this point, he and Izzy have known each other for a week and a half. What is wrong with Izzy not being 100% sure about a guy in that little time? I just don’t even care about people giving her shit for this. It’s so stupid.
Monday just ends with Vinny waiting to talk to Izzy while she dries her hair. God, I wish I had more booze.
The break up isn’t anything dramatic. I don’t know why Izzy is getting so much hate. She had doubts about Vinny and she realized it when a hot guy was enough to shake her feelings. She was honest about it immediately. Break ups suck. What can you do? Go have a beer and get over your 10-day relationship, Vinny. Oh, whatever. Vinny decides to leave. It doesn’t even matter. TMZ just posted photos of the two of them cuddling on a plane, so they got back together.
Wait, you mean that things on this show aren’t always 100% real?!
After that, we get a visit from Jade and Tanner! It’s nice that they took a break from promoting BS weight loss teas and sunglasses on Instagram to come out on vacation. It’s hilarious that everyone says that they’re proof of how Paradise can work. With that logic, Marcus and Lacy are also proof of how this show can work. Anyway, Jade and Tanner have a date card for the couple they think would be most likely to make it after the show ends. Best line goes to Tanner: “Carly is trying really hard to like Evan.” That pretty much says it all, don’t you think?
Why is Lace being made out to be the bad guy for not telling Grant that she loves him? Just like the situation with Izzy and Vinny, this is so fucking stupid. Only on this show is no saying “I love you” after a matter of days considered a bad thing. The rest of the couples aren’t anything we don’t know. Josh is a little too into Amanda, Nick and Jen are just kind of there, and Caila is trying really hard to make it look like she’s into Jared. Also, Ashley is just hoping that Caila and Jared don’ end up engaged to Caila at the end of this all.
In the end, the date card goes to Jared and Caila and Ashley probably just starts ugly crying again.
Or she just gives a death glare.
Oh, hey, Jen is still here. She wants to know how Nick is feeling because he’s been a little bit closed off lately. I don’t think that he has a wall up. I think that he’s not just super into Jen and is just keeping her around so he can stay on a free vacation. Nick just tries to explain to Jen that he doesn’t want to become a joke by getting dumped a third time on national television.
Meanwhile, Caila and Jared are spending their date talking about Ashley, making out, and going swimming.
And here’s some super subtle product placement.
Would it surprise anyone to know that Ashley is complaining about Jared and Caila going to a fantasy suite and leaving the show together? No? OK, let’s move on quickly then. Also, Carly is still complaining about Evan’s lack of swag when a date card arrives. Of course it’s for Evan and of course he chooses Carly. As they head out on their date, Evan tells us that he’s never felt this way about a woman before. Keep in mind that he’s been married and has three kids with his ex wife. But, yes, the woman he’s known for a few days and manipulated into liking him is obviously his strongest relationship ever.
Evan and Carly’s date is a sweat lodge. I’m gonna need to know what setting spray Carly uses because her make up looks awesome despite all the sweating.
Or her shitty brows are tattooed on.
In the end, Carly is all about Evan because he looks at her like she’s beautiful. Her saying that she should accept Evan’s weirdness pretty much sums it up. I can’t imagine there is anyone watching who actually thinks that Carly isn’t just settling. Also, I could really go without hearing Carly say “lady boner” ever again.
Oh, hey, it’s been a few minutes. We have to check with with Ashley and her drama. The phrase, “I know how to make out with his mind” pretty much brought back up the calzone I ate for lunch today. Basically, Ashley just wants Jared to know that Caila is fake. According to a few of the other people on the show, she wasn’t the only one telling him this. And why he hell does Jared confront Caila about that? What was she going to say? “Oh, yeah, I’m totally faking this whole thing! Sorry not sorry!” Jared doesn’t say it was Ashley who brought it up, but Caila knows immediately that she was behind it. Of course, Caila wants to talk to Ashley about the whole thing. Nothing really gets resolved and that’s where we end.
After Paradise was dumb as always. Sean Lowe really threw a lot of passive-aggressive digs at Izzy for dumping Vinny. Shut up, Sean Lowe. A girl breaking up with a guy doesn’t mean that she doesn’t respect him. It would be more disrespectful for her to lead him on if she wasn’t it.
So, that’s it for this week. Thanks so much for your patience right now. Real life is happening and it’s crazy as hell. I’m sure you’ve already listened, but make sure you check out the Rose Pricks podcast! Ronnie K and Stefanie Wilder Taylor are always hilarious!
I shall see you next week, Trashies!
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