Seriously, how has there not been a rose ceremony yet? We’re picking up where we left off and most of the ladies are crying because the dudes kind of suck and all want to be there for the bromances. Granted, I don’t know that I’d really want to hang out with Nick’s ladies either. They’re kind of the literal worst.
I’d much rather eat too.
Adam (Rachel) arrives and now I’m annoyed that I’ll have to put in an effort to tell him and Matt apart again. Anyway, he has a date card he is torn between Raven (who he hung out with during the break) and Kristina. Why are they all so excited about him? Does anyone actually remember him? Also, can we take a moment to talk about how quickly Kristina seemed over Dean despite crying about him mere seconds before Adam’s entrance?
And we have to do this again because it’s literally the only thing that made Adam memorable.
The next morning, Adam decides to ask Raven on the date and Ben is really sad. Why? We’ve seen them talk all of twice. Kristina is really disappointed too, so she goes back to being upset about Dean. Of course, this means she has to continue the conversation with him.
And Dean literally rolls away from her.
There are so many shots of the dudes just hanging out with one another. It’s weird. Anyway, Raven and Adam head off on their date.
And Adam gets attacked by a giant moth.
The date is literally just going out for drinks. Seriously? They couldn’t just do that back at the resort? Speaking of the resort, it’s finally time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Of course, Robby is the type of guy who refers to women as “females.” The guys all make a last ditch effort to get a rose because they’ve spent zero time with any of the ladies. It’s kind of weird to see that Alexis and Jack Stone get along so well.
I’m fairly certain that Amanda’s entire presence on this show is meant solely to piss off Josh.
“You’re really sweaty.”
Iggy continues to annoy the hell out of me. He keeps talking about how he wants to get Lacey’s rose…not about how he actually likes Lacey. Anyway, he wants her rose bad enough to learn a Hebrew blessing for her. Then Diggy makes out with her for a little while. This is the most attention that Lacey has ever gotten on this show. Alex finally gets it through his skull that Amanda doesn’t actually like him, so he hits on literally everyone else. Can we just get to the rose ceremony yet?
Dean decides he finally wants to talk to Kristina. Unfortunately, it’s not what she wants to hear. He basically tells her that he doesn’t want to only be with her and she should maybe think about giving her rose to someone else. Bold move right before the rose ceremony. Of course Alex swoops in immediately after that. Seriously. Roses. Now. Dammit, Chris Harrison! I’m skipping right to it.
Taylor gives a rose to Derek (obviously)
Jasmine gives a rose to Matt
Raven gives a rose to Adam
Alexis gives a rose to Jack Stone
Lacey gives a rose to Diggy
Danielle gives a rose to Ben
Kristina gives a rose to Dean (fucking why?)
Amanda gives a rose to Robby (ew)
That means Iggy, Alex, Vinny, and St. Nick are all leaving. We can’t not spend a moment talking about Vinny have trouble with his seat belt.
Insult to injury.
Also, for someone who just got done with a “we should take a step back” speech, Dean is acting really cozy with Kristina. Dean is kind of a dick, huh?
The next morning, Kristina tells us that she’s looking forward to spending more time with Dean. Of course, that means a threat is about to arrive.
And her name is Danielle.
Of course, Danielle L. goes on the date (he seems most excited about getting to ride dune buggies) and Kristina is pissed. I would feel worse for Kristina if she hadn’t been 100% ready to go on a date with Adam when he arrived.
Ugh, why does Dean keep drawing this out with Kristina? If he doesn’t want to be with her, just tell her. It’s not that hard. Also, she needs to just deal with and say, “You know what, Dean, if you don’t want me, then fine. Take care!” Anyway, it’s interesting to see a date that isn’t just two people talking over drinks. Then again, we all remember Danielle L. Talking wasn’t exactly her strong suit. Seriously, she laughs at everything and the fakeness of it makes my eye twitch. Back at the resort, Kristina is still whining about how she wanted to this to be a fresh start because she and Dean have had some rough patches. Seriously? They’ve known each other for a week. There shouldn’t be “rough patches” in that amount of time.
At least he doesn’t have any rough patches with Danielle yet.
Dean and Danielle L. come back and Kristina is now pissed at Danielle. Seriously, all of this should just prove that Dean isn’t really worth it. Anyway, he now wants to talk to Kristina about everything. He tells her that he and Danielle “had a little peck.” Wow. That’s not even a convincing lie. Anyway, they seem to be back to normal…or as close to normal as this show lets people be.
Later that night, things get super weird. Dean literally gets up from having Kristina sitting on his lap to go get a half birthday cake for Danielle. The whole situation is just super awkward and Kristina walks off crying.U
Ugh. There’s still another episode. Why do we need that? I’ve been dealing with a migraine all week. The last thing I want to do is watch these ass holes for four hours.
Anyway, we open up this week’s second episode the morning after all the crying and awkwardness. And that’s when Sarah (Nick) shows up. Raven feels weird about it all because she knows that Adam and Sarah have hooked up before. Despite that, she tells Sarah to ask Adam out, but also tries to convince her that Ben would be perfect for her.
And his rock.
Of fucking course Ben spends his whole conversation with Sarah talking about his dog. Seriously, dude, just drop it. This is why Sarah asks Adam out instead of you, Ben! Adam is just happy that more than one person knows his name.
And he’s so excited that he calls Sarah “Rachel.”
The whole date is kind of weird. They just sit at a table and talk about how they both get way invested way too quickly. I guess it’s better than Adam’s date with Raven because, well, Raven just seems indifferent about everything. It ends with Sarah and Adam making out because that’s what happens.
Back at the resort, Wells and Danielle are playing up their “will they, won’t they” story line. They decide to get married if they’re still single in five years…or when they’re 40. I’m not sure – their math was a little off. It’s a good thing they’re both attractive.
The next morning, Lacey is complaining that literally no one is interested in her. Obviously, this means that a date card arrives for her. She really uses the term “friend zone” a lot. Woman is dead to me. I’m super excited that the date card is from Jorge though!
I miss you!!!!
Lacey talks to a few of the guys because she wants to make sure that she doesn’t end up on a friend date. Jasmine threatens (in an ITM) to choke Lacey if she asks out Adam. Jasmine really needs to get over this violent “I choke people” schtick. It is not cute. Anyway, Diggy is the only one to agree to an actual date, so she ends up settling for him.
He’s trying super hard to convince himself.
Their date is a day trip with Jorge as their tour guide.
PopePhilly: I’m gonna need Jorge to come on all our future dates.
Mr. Philly: I’m OK with that.
Though I’m not sure if this story makes things better or worse.
But, ultimately, settling for the only willing guy works.
Back at the resort, we’re continuing the Danielle M./Wells showmance, but it leads to her wanting to leave so she could go work in Africa (no specific place…just the entire continent, I guess).
Lacey and Diggy return all smiles…until Dominique shoes up with a date card. You’ll never guess who she’s interested it! Oh, did you guess Diggy? Of course you did! You know how this show works. Lacey is super pissed off at Taylor trying to convince Dominique to ask him out, but, come on. Lacey literally settle for Diggy because he was the only person who didn’t want to just be her friend. She asked out two other guys before landing on him.
I’m kind of amazed how well Lacey’s shitty eyeliner stays on through all this crying.
Taylor runs off to talk to Lacey and Diggy goes off on his date with Dominique.
I’m fairly certain they just go to another room at the resort.
The conversation between Taylor and Lacey is just uncomfortable. I kind of feel bad for Lacey. I don’t think anyone here really likes her. I don’t think they dislike her, I just think she’s not really friends with anyone there. This is what happens when you go home on night two and no one knows who you are.
Oh, look. More Danielle M. and Wells stuff. I’m happy she’ll be leaving so there will only be one Danielle to deal with. Oh, and this happens:
Wells literally said that Danielle deserved to have a romantic moment before leaving Paradise. This whole thing was clearly a sympathy kiss.
So, that’s where the show ends for the night. I’m not going to recap the DeMario interview because it’s just ABC continuing to beat a dead horse at this point. Corinne has said nothing bad happened. DeMario has said nothing bad happened. Production and an outside investigative team determined that nothing happened. Seriously, why do we have to keep going over this? I won’t be recapping Corinne’s response either. It’s all just a big waste of time.
So, that’s it for now. Is it just me, or is this kind of the worst season of Paradise yet? So far, we have one steady couple (Derek and Taylor) and the drama isn’t even interesting. I am a little glad that people can see that Raven is kind of a terrible person. I never liked her much, so it’s nice to finally have those feelings validated.
Anyway, until next time, Trashies!
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