Howdy Trashmii! Hey! Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Or any other animal you’d see on a…
Safari, baby – YEAH!
Now, to recap this fine episode of Paul Knows Best…
We open with Derek, BB legend and winner of season 16, hosting the HoH competition, Tales from Decrypt. A board flashes code alternating with letters that slowly reveal clues to the identity of an evicted houseguest.
Round 1 – First up is Raven vs Mark. The clue is “Bitten by snake”, and Raven gets that it’s “Ramsey”, even with R-A-M-S-E-S spelled out right in front of her. Girl needs to set up a Go Fund Me for a reading tutor.
Round 2 – Paul vs Alex. The clue is “Won Battle Back Showdown”, and Paul rings in “Cody”.
Round 3 – National Endometriosis Organ Rash Awareness Month vs Kevin. The clue is “Tijuana tattoo”, and NEORAM rings in “Jillian”.
Round 4 – Josh vs Matt. The clue is “Halting Hex holder”, and Josh punches in “Hobagicka”.
Round 5 – Raven vs Paul. The clue is “Never played an HoH”, and Paul gets that it’s “Cameron”.
Round 6 – Christmas vs Josh. The clue is “First eliminated by Otev”, and Christmas gets that it’s “Elena”.
Round 7 – It’s Christmas vs Paul. Christmas announces that she’s come here to play hard, and that means making big, strategic moves (lolol). So of course all of a sudden her mind goes blank, and she just stands there, like a very buff reindeer caught in the headlights.
Paul wants to give her the HoH so he’ll be able to compete next week, while being completely safe this week, but it’s just not happening. He waits and waits, while the other mouth-breathers just photosynthesize behind him, and the screen flashes “Fourth HoH” over and over. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he punches in an extremely wrong answer (Cameron), in case any of these mentally deficient houseplants can’t figure out he’s throwing it to National Airborne Day.
Christmas wins HoH, yay!
Mark is despondent as the houseplants cheer, while Josh is super happy he’ll actually be able to spend time in the HoH room.
At this point, we discover that Alex is having major paranoia over Kevin. It turns out Kevin — who has never heard of Otev — knows policeman Derrek from back east. In fact, they’re buds! So now Alex thinks Kevin is a cop, which is apparently an eviction-worthy offense. I guess cops and veterans are bad, because… guns? I don’t know. Anyway, like most gangsters who are friends with cops, they met at “Quincy Market”, right here in Boston, which inspires much confidence in us that our fine police department is not totally corrupted (so don’t even think it).
Anyways, Alex is a total spaz about her paranoid delusion. As much as I’ve tried to like her and her f*ing cat-ear hairband, her feminist-y empowerment talk, and her cutesy gamer speech impediment, I realize there’s no turning back now. I can’t stand the bitch, ok? Fuck Alex.
Shaddap and make me a hotdog, beyatch
So she demands that Chucklenuts not talk to Kevin, and makes up some stupid bogus reason to be mad at him (he asks her what food he’s allowed to eat). Then she makes the awesome error of trying to turn Jungle Bells against him.
Jingle Bells-in-the-Belfry confers with Josh, who awesomely turns things around. He tells Christmas he kind of believed Cody’s BS about them turning the house (yesss!). He points out that Alex is totally annoying, but more importantly, Jason’s been acting shady. What was all this “when I was seriously on the fence” business, when he talked with Mark about whacking Paul? And how can anyone even THINK about whacking Paul? That is just pure evil.
So Christmas confers with Paul, and decides she’s going to put up one member from both showmances. If Mark doesn’t go home, the awesome, Paul-approved Plan B is to send Jason packing. Paul says that would be great, because then Alex would need him, since, as has been amply demonstrated, she can’t do it alone. Great, now all Christmas has to do is tell Matt and Jason that Paul wants them to, and they say, “Sign me up!”
Now Chucklenuts gets his HoH basket and letter from home. He discovers he’s going to have another baby rodeo clown!
EXTREME congrats, Chucklenuts!
Aww, I’m crying my eyes out here.
I mean, Jason allllmost had me — again, like when he cried about missing his wife while creeping on Alex’s giant fake gazongas. So here he is, getting off on squashing Alex’s boobs, while his loving wife is back on the homestead, puking into a wastebasket, and getting mucho grande with CN’s spawn (which incidentally, he’s “sure” is a boy).
“Hoo-ee, that’d better be a penis, or I’m in a pie-load o’ trouble!”
Now — finally — we get a tour of Josh’s ex-HoH couch room.
<3 u, BB!
Josh has spent so much time in his ex-HoH couch room, he’s counted all the apples on the wall (355). He’s even made a friend to talk smack with about the other HGs, a stuffed owl named Orwell (as in 1984, yow). Huh, I see we’re going with a little Edward “Lear”, “Owl and the Pussycat” theme here. Awesome.
If you show me your pussycat, I’ll show you my owl
We end the segment with Orwell crying out for help. I hear ya, Or, I’m here for you.
Suddenly, the monitor reveals the latest twist — the Tree of Temptation! This tree has apples which contain little temptations, such as Bounty on your Head, Eliminate Two Eviction Votes, or Second Veto. For the next two evictions, the tree will turn red for a period of time right before the eviction. The first houseplant to go into the diary room and say they want to claim an apple gets to. Paul immediately instructs them not to take an apple, so they all say, “Roger Wilco!”
Just then, the tree turns red, and Mark goes into the Diary Room. He comes out and picks an apple, which gives him the power to Save a Friend. Gee, too bad he doesn’t have any. What to do, what to do…
Now Mark goes up to the HoH room, and tells Christmas n Josh it would be smarter for them to break up one of the two couples, but whatever she does, don’t hurt Paul. Christmas kinda likes the idea, but she hasn’t run it by Paul yet.
It’s time for the nomination ceremony! But first… Mark gets to choose a friend to save, so he chooses… drum roll… Our Friendship Boy 1.0, Paul, yay! Then, Christmas nominates Matt and Jason, on the grounds that “her” real target is Mark. And two weeks of safety for Paul. Make that three, what the hell.
You can’t take away our dreams, BB19!
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