Ohmigod, this show is still on. I’m not drunk enough for this. Ugh.
Me and you both, buddy
Previously on Biiiiig Brother: Everyone was best friends with Paul and no one played the game and Josh was fucking horrible and who even cares who the HoH is because the HoH is Paul.
Just give him the money and end this
Tonight is double eviction night, so we’ll lose two useless idiots whose existence in the house makes no difference. Whoo. Fuck it, whatever ends this season faster.
Alex is still whining about having to carry a tent around and be the wiener queen and not have $5k. She’s gunning for Elena, and so is Josh because she’s a Meatball. Okay, pause for just a second and let’s be serious here. What the fuck does Meatball mean in this context? Why is it an insult? What
makes a person call another person that in anger?
Fuck you, Josh
Josh and Elena shout over each other for a while and that’s super fun to watch, then Alex and Elena shout over each other and that’s equally fun to watch. Cobot thinks all the HG’s are lunatics.
Kettle kettle, black black
Time for the 1st eviction of the night. Speech!
“I shouldn’t have huffed all that glue while I was waiting for Julie. I can smell colors.”
“Zero zero one. Zero one one zero”
“I’m the personification of beige. I think vanilla ice cream is spicy”
By a vote of 7-zip, the Cobot is out. He walks straight out without a goodbye or a glance back, because who would want to look back at these horrible, boring assholes.
Chenbot on Cobot!
“Bleep Bloop. How are those human emotions coming along?”
“It’s tough because they’re still in beta and I’m an alpha”
“Who programmed you to be a homicidal maniac?”
“Same guy that programmed the bot in Promethius. He’s a weird programmer.”
“Ready for some alone time in jury?”
“Fuck you Julie, it’s a double eviction.”
Dammit. Now I like Cody. It’s amazing how low the bar has gotten over the summer.
New HoH time! BB is completely out of ideas so they’re legit just playing shuffleboard. After a super exciting round of retiree sports the new HoH is Paul via his proxy Chucklenuts. Nothing fucking matters, we all know who’s going on the block, I hate every moment I spend watching this garbage.
Have I mentioned I hate Josh? Fuck Josh.
Nominations are Mark and Elena because they questioned the leader or some shit. Jason rambles for days and reminds us why live shows are awful.
PoV time! Put a puzzle together! Oh, not exciting enough? Don’t worry… We’ve got you covered…. THREE PUZZLES!
Slash actual working candle
Mark wins because Mark wins everything (except HoH’s because fuck us for wanting an interesting week or something). Matt and Raven don’t even make it through the first puzzle. The puzzle has like five pieces. For serious.
More like terminally stupid, amirite?
Veto time! Mark takes himself off the block, Matt goes up as a replacement because no one knows he’s there.
He’s the male Ann
“Take my dog to the dentist, I’m getting wasted!”
“I like cereal and green!”
Green is not a creative color
By a vote of 6-1 Elena is out! Her interview is boring as fuck and not worth recapping. How is she a radio host when she’s so bad at making words come out of her mouth?
Sidenote: Raven is looking healthier by the week and I think there legit might be something to that theory that her mom has Munchausen’s by Proxy.
No for serious, someone help her
That’s it kids. The only thing we have to look forward to is this stupid friendship circle having to devour itself when it’s out of patsies. If anyone gets Paul out of the house I might even give a fuck and root for them. Unless it’s Josh.
Fuck you, Josh
That was the most boring double eviction episode of my life and I’m not sure how I’m gonna survive another month of this.