The women are back home after successfully turning La Vida Dulce into Mexico’s newest stop on its Mayan ruins tour. Carole and Bethenny meet in the former’s pussy sauna. I don’t want to think of these women and their hot, sweaty cats. Bethenny is stressed out because she can’t disrupt Bryn’s life with another renovation just yet. The new building is giving her architect a hard time with permits so she has to live like an animal in her current multi-million dollar home. They also discuss Tinsley catching a big fish and finding, in Scott, the man she wants to spend the rest of her parole with. Bethenny thinks they’ve already said “I love you” although Bethenny prefers her love language phrase “I’ll see you in court”.
Carole: Who’s my favorite baby?
Luann and Tom are playing tennis and he even cheats here. She taught him how to play but now the player has become the playee. Luann is excited about Tinsley’s party because she thinks no one will be talking about them. She thinks everyone is happy and that she’s made this work. First tennis, now thinking. Luann needs a new hobby ASAP because neither of these actions are working out too well. Based on the previews of this episode, she’s absolutely right about all of these thoughts – except for the part where her husband does the opposite of everything she just said.
Sonja and Ramona meet at Morgan Manor. Frenchie has helped her rearrange her furniture. By rearrange I mean he’s hocked most of her valuable stuff for baguettes and dull razor blades. Ramona wants to move into a room at Sonja’s so she can find a man. We all know she’s joking though because she just redecorated her entire place in the finest furniture the Sears outlet has ever seen.
“Let’s face it. I can no longer live in a place without a Mexican butler.”
Ramona feels that the trip went well and is glad that she can now be on the same sidewalk as Bethenny. Ramona and Sonja discuss the party and suddenly Captain Thank-a-Ho doesn’t want a party or gifts. She thinks the party is just a public statement. Like the public statement she made about Tinsley to Dale, Page Six, the Duane Reade delivery boy and her burnt sienna pipes?
Ramona says Tinsley is self-absorbed and lucky she can walk. Plus, she sleeps on her back with her curled hair and double lashes. First of all, sleeping like that is a talent. Second, how else could Prince Charming awaken her from Morgan Manor’s asbestos-induced slumber? Lastly, Tinsley clearly has the capability to walk like a boss because she does so every morning for her blow outs! Sonja says that Scott had to help Tinsley pack as if it’s a bad thing. He probably had a great U-Haul coupon.
Bethenny is at her new apartment with her hockey player date. She just wants to see what’ll happen if she casually dates a guy with a missing tooth and love for salted meats. Dorinda visits and is “jealous” of her place. It’s so big that Bethenny could set up a Skinnygirl bowling alley with her bottles as pins and her boyfriend’s head as the human ball. He might as well use up a few more permanent teeth.
“So tell me what happened to that other handsome fellow you knew? You said he’s a lawyer?”
“I said I only see him at court. Try to keep up Teeth McGee.”
Tinsley is in a $7000/month hotel filled with alcohol and personalized stationery. Carole regifts a Dorinda candle because a hotel is not a home if Baby’s not there. Tinsley is planning the party and says that she was joking about the “fuck you” party theme. Carole says she knew it was a joke but spread it around as vigorously as Adam spreads almond butter on a sexy salad.
Dorinda has John over for dinner. He brings her an identical designer gown that Beyonce wore that he’s had hanging in his dry cleaner window.
It’s the first time I want to see John unzip something.
Dorinda says that she’s in no rush to share her place with the wizard of washing but she likes that they can spend more time at home now that Hannah’s moved. By the way, he helped Hannah move and Dorinda says she’s warmed up to him due to his dry cleaning skills. Who knew perchloroethylene was the way to a woman’s heart? After dinner, John whips out his Windex and starts wiping the counter down in the strangest act of foreplay I’ve ever seen. He’s getting that thing so clean they’ll be able to see their rolled up twenties in it.
Adam and Carole are walking one of the Baby. Adam says his apartment is chic as fuck because 30. Carole is happier now that he has his own place again. Some women blossom in relationships but she finds balance in him not seeing her before she applies makeup. Adam defends himself and says he wasn’t even fully moved into her place; he only kept his camera and turtleneck collection there.
Who wore it best?
Tinsley is feeling pressure for her party. You know who’s not feeling pressured? Her hair and makeup people. They can confidently do the same routine since ’03 and she’ll be thrilled. Meanwhile, Sonja thinks the party is negative. Frenchie is helping her pack for a trip to Paris and he’s jealous because he found a t-shirt at the house. He thinks it’s Rocco’s. Knowing Sonja, it’s the t-shirt Rocky wore as he pulled around a Mercedes full of adults across Russian terrain in Rocky IV. She reviews her underwear choices and says her dog licked them. Mine eats the crotch out which makes hook ups weird. Sonja is traveling to France to stay in Frenchie’s hotel but she’s still keeping Rocco around in case Frenchie is arrested for impersonation of a man interested in Sonja.
It’s party time and Scott the Dutiful is there.
Scott: Tell your friends to call me ‘Coupon King’.
Tinsley: Just call him Scott. Or Moneybags or whatevs. How’s my hair?
A pubescent model that Luann fooled around with is also there. A black person was there too. This party has everything! Dorinda encourages Scott and Tinsley to marry next year because the last couple she hooked up made it to the altar despite the Regency happy hour.
Ramona says Sonja may not come because she’s in bed and doesn’t feel like getting dressed. Lies! Sonja would go to the opening of a door. Or Luann’s legs. Or Tom’s. Or Merv Griffin’s storage locker.
Bethenny shows up and has an attitude due to flashbacks of Ramona’s ‘New Tru True Renewal Beginnings’ party of 2015. Sonja arrives too and criticizes everything from Tinsley’s matching dress to the “bar liquor” in the Sonja-tini because she’s angling to play Maleficent in her next off-off-off Broadway play.
Ramona and Bethenny talk. Bethenny wants Ramona to be real about how terrible it is to be 60 and alone so she can remind herself to not repeat the cycle. Ramona admits that she may never find someone and Bethenny commends her for at least having a long-term marriage. Then, since Bethenny just can’t stay on good terms with everyone she tells an already agitated Sonja that Tinsley has used Double Cross vodka in her signature drink. She’s starting trouble because she feels Tinsley is disingenuous for talking crap and then throwing a party. It’s kind of like calling someone a whore and then crying when telling the same person their fiance is cheating on them. Kinda. She says that Sonja hasn’t really aired Tinsley’s dirty laundry e.g. drinking at 8:00AM when she could have.
Bethenny: Sonja sent me a picture of Tinsley drinking bourbon first thing in the morning.
Luann: That was just Sonja’s ice water.
Luann is mixing and mingling while Missy once again makes her way into a party and sidles up to Tom. He says he gets choked up when he sees her and she agrees. It’s probably the mono. Then he says that the last time he saw her she was walking away from him. Tom decides to remove his mic to share what we can only imagine are remarks that are disrespectful to his brand new marriage. At least he’s smart enough to remove his mic.
Like his head, it’s a bad look all the way around.
Tinsley calls Sonja up for a speech and Sonja tries to avoid it. Dorinda says that’s an ungracious move and thinks Tinsley is great for celebrating a woman who was so mean to her. Tinsley says that she will forever be grateful to Sonja and that they are sisters. Not Eskimo Sisters though; that’s reserved for Sonja, Ramona and Luann.
Tinsley: Talk about me in the press again and I’ll tell everyone what you did to Pickles.
Sonja starts to melt but becomes completely liquefied when Tinsley presents her with a $5000 Bergdorf Goodman gift card. Sonja literally starts to put it places neither a Bergdorf nor a good man would ever go. Then she stuffs cake in her face and moves on to find a way to get Ramona to move in for next year’s storyline.
The season wraps up with the following:
Scott is getting a place in NY with Tinsley whose name they couldn’t bother to spell correctly. Carole is training to run a marathon. No word on whether Adam will douse her with kale water from the sidelines. Bethenny is staying at her same place and is searching for a guy with a full set of dentures. Dorinda is letting John indent her mattress on a regular basis and Luann, of course, is getting a divorce. Lastly, Ramona is still man-less and Sonja met Frenchie’s imaginary parents Belle and Peabo Bryson.
What’d you think? The reunion looks interesting. Not sure if there’s enough meat for three episodes so hopefully it will be two episodes full of action. Love you for reading and commenting!
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