Hola, Mi Amigas and Amigos! Trust me, you will be as sick of hearing that as MisRed is by the end of the episode. MisRed thinks the ringing in my ears from “Spanish Shannon” has finally stopped. And MisRed is guessing Vicki’s pants might finally be dry.
MisRed has started rewatching OC from the beginning and is getting even more insight into, well, Vicki’s ever-changing face, why she and Donn got divorced and the fact that Vicki has always been an insufferable narcissist, but the show has made it 100 times worse. So… THANKS ANDY COHEN. She promised at the Season 2 reunion to never yell “Woo Hoo” again and Andy was like… No, I think it’s cute. Direct your tweets and letters to him.
Oh also, the whole Lauri and her son storyline- just so sad. This kid has been in trouble since day one and to know that it has only gotten worse and his criminal activities have only escalated. And don’t even get me started on Lynne Curtin and her wayward kids. Yeeesh.
Answer: The side that doesn’t make your best friend hate you.
Where were we? Last week, Vicki tried to explain her side of the Kelly fight with an ever-changing story. And, uh-none of them made MisRed take Vicki’s side- not even a smidge. MisRed’s Vicki hatred is REAL, it runs DEEP and it will NEVER cease.
Shannon was still upset by David finding someone else so soon after their break-up. Psst Shannon, David.David?David! was dating your entire marriage- this bitch is just the NEXT one. And Tammy Sue done broke her hoof jumping into a rain barrel.
This week, we open with Vicki driving Tamra to a Doctor’s appointment for her broken foot. Vicki says that the act of driving her to her appointment “is the gift that keeps on giving.”
Just like Herpes.
How is that? MisRed translate this to: having to hang out with Vicki is like a case of herpes. It’s a pain that never goes away.
They get to the Doctor’s office and Tamra has a little scooter for her broken foot. The Doctor’s waiting room is completely empty. What kind of an orthopedist has nobody in his waiting room? That would make me seriously question this Doctor.
Come on in- we don’t have any patients.
Tamra is miserable with this broken foot.
Yeah, I can fix your foot, but her face will take a team of global experts.
Vicki asks the Doctor when Tamra can whoop it up again? Shut up Vicki. Vicki rehashes how the broken foot happened and how she was naked, etc. Diagnosis: Not a lot of walking for Tamra. And it’s going to take a long time to heal. And if Tamra doesn’t take care of it, she might need surgery.
Tamra asks Vicki if she has talked to Kelly yet? Vicki then gives ANOTHER VERSION of the story. The story this time is: the women with whom she set up Michael is the one who said not to tell Kelly.
In Tamra’s talking head, she says that she is completely on Kelly’s side in this and Vicki is just trying to cover her ass. YEP.
“Come on in, our floors aren’t warped.”
Over at NOT Cunt Fitness, Emily arrives for a workout with her trainer. She has in tow: Turtle’s parents and her feral child, Annabelle, oh and Turtle’s sister is there too. No word on the whereabouts of the other two rugrats and frankly, MisRed doesn’t care. Children should not be seen or heard in MisRed’s world. Turtle’s Mom is approximately 3’4” and her name is Pary- which we hear means “Angel” in Persian. Emily gets along with her in-laws.
Well it’s good to know that Pary works out hard enough for the whole family.
. This is a boring scene except we do learn that Turtle hasn’t passed the Bar exam. We learn he has passed the bar in Utah, but not in California. Pary, we learn, hounds Turtle to take the exam.
He needs to come out of his shell and pass that exam.
Emily says “every time he has taken the bar, he has a ton of obligations…” How many times has he taken the California bar?
Ok, not wanting to judge a Turtle too harshly, apparently there is a pretty low pass rate for the California bar. Only 42% of first timers passed and 23% of repeat takers passed.
Emily, who is an attorney- not sure if you knew that, passed on the first try because she, at the time, was single, and had student loans coming due, she really had no other option BUT to pass.
Seriously, though, Emily explains that Turtle has obligations so he can’t pass… he forgets to give his kids lunch. Show of hands for anyone who wants this guy representing them?
Emily tells Turtle’s Mom that Turtle has to want it for himself- Emily can’t force him to want to pass and can’t force him to study the necessary amount. Pary is like- ok, if he doesn’t want to do the work, he should just shut up about it. Word, Pary. Word.
Kelly arrives at Pain Du Monde which MisRed translates to: Pain of Many People
Vicki pulls up outside, so this translation makes sense. Vicki arrives in a fugly jacket that Kelly has too. Vicki’s face is missing one thing- a paper bag.
Oh hi. I didn’t feel you trudge in.
Kelly tells Vicki that she is really hurt and that it’s not the fact that Michael is dating- she wants that for him. It’s the fact that Vicki didn’t tell Kelly and that Kelly has considered Vicki to be her friend. Vicki says she was going to tell Kelly the night they were out with dinner with Jolie and didn’t want to involve her. Anyone else smell some bullshit?
We get ANOTHER version of the story- that both Psycho Mike AND the girlfriend both said not to say anything, that THEY would tell Kelly. Oh, would they ask Kelly to double date with them too? OMG. Vicki should have been a weaver- she spins so much yarn.
Kelly explains that she was really livid and she couldn’t control herself. Vicki says Kelly couldn’t even HEAR herself screaming at Vicki and Vicki doesn’t ever want to be screamed at.
Vicki, the only way you will avoid people screaming at you- you know- short of completely changing your entire personality- would be to go live at one of those monasteries where the monks have taken a vow of silence. And no, we don’t need to worry about the vow of celibacy. Once they are around Vicki for 90 seconds they will cut their own penises off.
Vicki says she deserves respect. Hahahah. Funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
Okay, sorry. Couldn’t help myself. Sometimes Vicki is so funny. MisRed can’t.
As an aside, this scene has some extreme close-ups of Vicki. She has terrible skin.
MisRed might feel bad for her if she could feel things, and you know, if it was someone other than Vicki.
The sad part is- Vicki gets all of this plastic surgery and the one thing she really CAN’T fix, at least not totally. MisRed, freelance Dermatologist, thinks Vicki probably suffers from acne- probably cystic and her skin is so scarred from that. It’s a shame.
Vicki Gunvalson-Bad-Skin-Deep-Dive reveals that she has some kind of “Skincare Collection” with a company called Volante. Maybe she should look into actually using the products.
It doesn’t look like anything specific to Vicki’s needs- like no ski-masks or anything. Just looks like their regular goop under the heading of Vicki’s name. . There aren’t even any pictures of her on their website and the only way I could find Vicki’s “line” was clicking through from Google. So something tells me the partnership isn’t going well.
Anyway, back to Vicki demanding some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
You lost my respect.
Kelly corrects her that she has to EARN respect. Vicki says, “Oh I’m gonna get respect.” They bicker about whether Vicki should be respected or not- MisRed is here to tell you the answer is NO. Vicki finally says, “I’m going to have respect.”
Kelly says if Vicki and Steve TCC break up, she’s going to hook him up and go on double dates with him and see how it feels to Vicki. Vicki is like “Fair enough.” OMG. Then Vicki says “It doesn’t feel good, I know. I’m sorry.”
So, Kelly actually latches onto that “I’m sorry” and takes it as an apology. Seemed like more of an off the cuff remark to MisRed.
Did Kelly put her head through a wicker chair?
In her interview, Kelly doesn’t think Vicki is truly sorry. But reasons that she does bad stuff all the time and has to ask for forgiveness, and just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to trust.
Kelly says she accepts Vicki’s apology. The look in Vicki’s face is like “I apologized?”
That apology was completely inauthentic, hope you enjoyed it.
(In fact, MisRed missed the “I’m sorry” on the first watch.)
Vicki maintains she did nothing wrong and Kelly needs to stop being so temperamental.
How much are you paying us to sit here?
Shannon gathers her kids and holds them hostage so they can taste the meals she is creating for QVC. A friend of hers has contacts at QVC. There are three meals that she is pawning off on the kids. Shannon shows the girls the packaging. Eeesh.
Mmmm. Looks delish.
The first one is: Teriyaki Sole, she says the “Sole flown in from Holland, so it’s high quality.”
You know how MisRed loves herself a rabbit hole. She was curious why Shannon implied because it was flown in from Holland that the Sole was high quality. As a Chef, MisRed likes to know stuff about food and I had never heard of Holland being ground zero for high quality Sole. And it turns out it isn’t. Sole is PLENTIFUL in Holland which means that it’s probably cheap and secondly the Sole in Holland is more durable than regular Sole. It lends itself to being stuffed and rolled. Maybe Sonja could use it on her shoe line- Sonja Morgan by French Sole. I don’t know of anything that has been stuffed or rolled more than Sonja.
The second meal is: Shrimp with two strands of linguini and spiralized zucchini.
Two strands of pasta. How will I be able to finish?
The third meal is: Salmon, Rice and Zucchini. The Salmon has some cream cheese stuffing.
Stella announces, “I don’t like cheese.” Wha wha what?!?!!?
We need a DNA test immediately.
Ok, a) MisRed KNEW Stella would turn on us one day. She didn’t think it would be over cheese, but she knew it was coming. b) Cream cheese is, like, the least cheesy of cheese. It’s basically BUTTER. And what’s not to like? And c) MisRed doesn’t trust people who don’t like cheese or cake. My father in law says he doesn’t like cheese and I feed it to him anyway and he has no idea. And yeah, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. He probably doesn’t like cake either.
Stella is also feeding Archie under the table the whole time.
Archie is trying to keep his carbs below 80.
Ok, Stella can stay. But only because of Archie- we’ll call it The Archie Clause. MisRed must have more Archie and his OCD poop placement, preferably on David.David!David!’s living room carpet.
Shannon emphasizes the low-calorie count to the girls- who thankfully, don’t seem to know if 230 calories is a lot or a little. But it’s planting a seed and it’s disturbing. None of these girls are overweight or even in the realm of being overweight, but nothing would make me develop unhealthy eating habits like having Shannon for a mother. Seriously, it’s good to develop healthy eating habits in kids, I hope Shannon keeps it in check and doesn’t do more damage than good.
Shannon asks her kids if they think the people at QVC will like it? Uh… shouldn’t she have her friend – the one with the contacts- try it? Or, like, maybe some adults?
We check in with Gina who is driving in her car with her rotten kids. One keeps repeating Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Gina says to her mother, who is riding shotgun, “Sometimes I just stare straight ahead and try to block it out.” It’s possible. MisRed’s college roommate had a bird and after living with that loud beast, she can block anything out.
They are heading to the zoo. Maybe she should consider leaving the kids there?
It’s kind of a throw-away scene, except we get to see that one of Gina’s kids will probably get eaten by a Lion at some point.
Sure. Climb on that. What could go wrong?
They are climbing up on the animal enclosure barriers.
Gina has her mother take a photograph of them, so they “can send it to Daddy to show him what they are doing and how much fun they are having.”
This can be their next Christmas Card.
When do we think these kids will find out that Daddy doesn’t care what they are doing?
Gina explains to us that she thought when they moved to California, in Gina’s mind she thought he would be home every night at 5:30. Back in New York, the husband commuted and that commute into NYC can add hours onto your work day.
Shannon and Tamra are in a car headed to dinner and Shannon mentions that she “forgot the bracelet.” Don’t worry, Tamra did too. Apparently, in Mexico, Shannon had some fugly bracelets made that say “Three Amigas.”
Ok, so only slightly less tacky that the Trucker Hats Vicki brought.
Apparently, they do the “Three Amigos” dance as well. Ugh. Kill me.
To immediately erase their version from MisRed’s memory…
Tamra tries to tell Shannon about the new girls. But we all know Shannon doesn’t like new people. She explains a little about Emily- she’s married to a Turtle, blah blah blah. And Gina- that she’s a straight shooter.
We get a flashback of Shannon’s interactions with “new people.” She yelled at Meghan “I start charities Miss 30-year-old!”
Ahhh, the good old days.
Her getting pissed off at Kelly when Kelly referred to USC as “University of Spoiled Children.”
Almost as funny as “getting MC Hammered.”
And as much as we would like to forget her, we can’t leave out Lydia and Shannon biting her head off and eating nachos.
See what Vicki made me do???
They arrive at dinner. They made a reservation for 4 people, but now they have 6. They invited Vicki and Kelly at the last minute. Restaurant people LOVE accommodating more people on the fly. And no, you really shouldn’t have called and given them a heads up. Why would they want that?
Flashback to Vicki calling Tamra and them inviting Vicki to join. Vicki asks if Kelly is joining and Tamra is like “I wasn’t even going to invite YOU, but you called.”
Vicki says- Well, Kelly just made up with me, I don’t want to leave her out. As if Kelly is the one that committed the offending act as opposed to, you know, what actually happened.
At the table, Shannon is choosing food- Chopped Grilled Vegetable Salad and Beet Salad and “maybe a pizza of the day?” Tamra is like PIZZA!!!??!?? Shannon says, “I’m not going to eat it, but other skinny people can.”
Emily arrives and meets Shannon. The first thing out of Emily’s mouth is “I worked all day.”
We did get this little tidbit- Shannon went to law school but dropped out. At the time Shannon was engaged and he didn’t like that she was in law school, so she stayed in law school. But then they broke up and she dropped out of law school “I didn’t like anyone tell me what to do.” Lol. Oh Shannon.
Emily always has this look on her face that says, “I just smelled poo.”
Gina arrives, fresh from an auction of Liberace’s hub caps which she has quickly made into a necklace.
They were sold as a lot.
She orders a Rye Old Fashioned. Tamra has never heard of this drink.
Vicki lumbers into the restaurant and Shannon and Tamra jump up to do the Three Amigos Dance. They rehash their Mexico trip for those that were not invited and Shannon talks about her spanx in the hot tub. Gina is against Spanx because they hurt. Shannon, of course, is immediately annoyed by this. Shannon really has tremendous distain for anyone who is younger than she is.
Vicki asks Gina how long she’s been here from New Jersey? If you are a New Yorker, you couldn’t possible hurl a bigger insult than to be asked if you are from New Jersey, and vice versa. You KNOW Vicki did it on purpose. Nowhere is as important as Coto De Caza you know.
Gina interviews that New Jersey is a completely different state. Yes, yes, but settle down, hot shot, New York and New Jersey are right next to each other and both begin with NEW. It’s not like Vicki said you were from Maine but you are really from Hawaii.
Gina corrects her- feigning to be upset, but then reveals she’s kidding.
The good news is, Vicki LOVES to be challenged.
Gina says that when they first moved to Cali, they lived in Newport, but she really couldn’t do Newport. Of course, Shannon is like- I live in Newport. Gina is like- “Oh I’m sorry, but Newport is a little tough for me.” We don’t really learn why, but don’t worry, Shannon has sucked up that tidbit and will store it to use against Gina later.
Shannon interviews that in order to lose weight she makes healthy choices- she doesn’t drink, she eat healthy, she exercises. She says it’s not that hard.
I eat pizzas, Meghan!!
She then asks Gina to “Pass the pizza.” Shannon says she spirals and once she makes one bad choice, she just continues to make bad choices.
Shannon tells the girls about her QVC line. Shannon explains how hard it is to get onto QVC- and MisRed knows from experience- it is difficult and once you are approved you have to be ready to roll.
One of the girls asks about Shannon’s marital status and, of course, Shannon, flips over the laundry basket and let’s all the dirty laundry out. She tells them about David with the woman 20 years younger. Gina rolls her eyes.
Gina already hates David too.
Not AT Shannon, but at the situation. Something tells me Gina might know she’s headed for divorce. Shannon says that David and his ween holster post to each other on social media and that her kids see that. Vicki thinks that is bizarre.
Kelly pipes right up- “You know what’s bizarre is that she hooks up my ex-husband with a friend of hers.”
Bizarre and totally sh*tty
Vicki looks around like- Who are you talking about?
Vicki is like- we just settled this why is she bringing it up again.
Hmmm, not sure Vicki, guessing Kelly isn’t over the fact that you are the WORST.
Vicki interviews that once something is settled it shouldn’t be brought up again “I mean, how many casseroles do you want, Kelly?”
She might settle for one…
Oh, I see, Vicki believes she brought Kelly a METAPHORICAL casserole- not an ACTUAL casserole, which is what Vicki demanded over and over.
Gina is like- wait, what, I’m confused. So, then we get ANOTHER STORY- Michael wanted to meet her so they hooked up on Face Time. Kelly pipes in that Vicki didn’t TELL her she had hooked them up. Vicki tries to kick some grass over the big pile of crap and move on, but Gina ain’t letting go. And MisRed is here for it and is loving THIS Gina. And MisRed is here for it.
Kelly interviews that brought up the situation at the able so Vicki could hear other people’s opinions on the topic, so Vicki may see that she is in the wrong her. Unfortunately, you could tattoo this sh*t on Vicki’s forehead in every possible font and Vicki will still refuse to read it. But, at the table, everyone is against Vicki. Emily- speaking as a lawyer- not sure if you knew she was a lawyer, says that in every divorce, lines are drawn, and you “gotta go with your girl.”
Gina is like- I’m not a lawyer, just have interior design epilepsy, but it breaks Girl Code. And then she calls the girl who wanted to meet Psycho Mike a LOSER.
Vicki rolls her eyes. Tamra is like “Oh no… that is the worst thing you can do to Vicki!” Kelly is laughing hysterically.
Vicki tries to tell Gina that she is misinterpreting the situation.
Kelly then announces that this guy she is dating is pulling up to the restaurant. The dude comes in and meets everyone.
Vicki says that Kelly is upset that Michael is dating but now she brings a date to dinner?? Yes, and Vicki met SteveTCC and a month later she was sending flowers to herself in Ireland and saying I love you and signing his name. People do strange sh*t.
Kelly and this new guy, they met two weekends ago, and they are making out at the table and you know that he’s probably knuckle-deep by dessert. Everyone is like giggling and staring at them and is so uncomfortable.
Dr. Feelgood. Ew.
Vicki slithers out. The table disbands. Tamra says that it’s the weirdest ending to a dinner- even for them. Flashback to Kelly calling Shannon a “c*nt.” Then to Shannon throwing her “not my f*cking plate” at Kelly at the QW. Tamra exorcising Alexis Bellino from her Cunt Fitness party, and Tamra running out of dinner in Bali, after Lizzie called her on her crap.
And the MisRed Best Scene in a fake drama goes to: Shannon Beador at the QW.
Outside, Vicki is INCREDULOUS that Kelly would bring up the Michael situation again.
This is quite a crew.
After lunch “Kelly went to get wine and I went back to work” and they agreed to never speak again. Lol, who knows if that was ever said, am I right? Shannon tosses a log on Vicki’s fire saying that the new girls, particularly Gina, just piled on.
Vicki interviews that Gina should have ZERO opinion on this and why is she piping in when she doesn’t even know Vicki!!
Gina is probably the best one to pipe in… she’s impartial.
Gina and Emily go to the bathroom and saw how uncomfortable they were with Kelly and her new guy at the table. Gina suggest that maybe this wish what they have to look forward to “second opportunities.”
Outside Vicki, Shannon and Tamra do the Three Amigos dance and of course Vicki f*cks it up because she is an old spazz. She’s about as useful as tits on a bull.
Tamara is cleansing the house with a sage bundle. Tamra runs through the list of stuff going on at the house and why it needs to be saged. Eddie, meanwhile, is building a rocking chair. They talk a little about Eddie’s heart condition. It’s really a throw away scene until Gina shows up. They chat about the evening with the other girls. Tamra tells Gina that Vicki sent Tamra a message that morning, net /net Vicki hates Gina. Gina is like- whatever. If she is asked her opinion, she’s going to give it.
Gina says in NY 4 out of 10 people will say hello but you know they like you. In OC 10 out of 10 say hello but most of them are just blowing smoke up your ass. Wait. There are not 4 people in New York that say hello to ANYONE.
Gina says that it’s now her goal is to get Vicki to like her and thinks that Vicki should be more scared of her than she is of Vicki. OMG, please let Gina steal Steve TCC away.
OR HOOK UP WITH DONN!!!
Emily asks her kids advice on talking to Turtle about the Bar. WTF. Why are these people asking their kids for opinions on stuff? The only thing my parents ever asked my opinion on is whether I’d like to be hit with a bare palm or a wooden spoon.
Clear the scene.
Emily goes to talk to the Turtle. Turtle passed bar in Utah, but not in Cali. In order to have Turtle take the bar, he has to have everything in order and IN A CERTAIN ORDER.
Turtle needs help.
So, Turtle can’t have children, he has to not work that much, his tank has to be climate controlled, they need to power wash his rock and he needs new pink castle in his tank. And it’s going to take him 10 months to study.
Vicki and Gina meet at beach. We see a flashback to the evening before when Gina called Vick to make the plan. Vicki was relaxing by putting all of her pills in her pill case.
Oh sh*t. Vicki is on Accutane. Ok, so a) MisRed was right, Vicki probably has cystic acne. b) WOW at her age?!?! c) you really aren’t supposed to drink on Accutane because Accutane is very harsh on your liver.
Anyway, they meet at the beach and Gina wants to clear that air. Gina explains to Vicki that she wants to get to know her, but also that she was more vocal about her opinions on the issue with Kelly because it was brought up at the table. And she’s thinks she has a right to her opinion.
Vicki says that “Unless it pertains you, just be cool with everybody.”
Vicki has about a clear of an understanding of the English language as Teresa Giudice.
Vicki tries to twist the sitch and says that Gina AGREES with Vicki- that Vicki shouldn’t have said anything because her friend told her not to say anything.
So, of course, you think I’m right, right?
Gina calls this a Jedi Mind trick and calls what Vicki just did an asshole move.
Gina says that she’s not a shit-talker. Vicki says that “You are from New York, you might be.” Ok, so let’s tally up the number of states that Vicki has offended… Oklahoma, North Carolina, now New York AND New Jersey. Gina says that whatever she has to say she will say it to Vicki’s face and she doesn’t like to talk behind people’s backs.
Vicki “Gina cannot school me at all. But if she wants to be mean and opinionated, and don’t have any clue of that they are doing, then they can get out of the sandbox. It’s my sandbox, and I get to invite who gets to go in the sandbox.”
Someone needs to shove Vicki’s face in the sand.
I AM CALLING FOR THE IMMEDIATE FIRING OF VICKI. Just on general principle.
Gina thinks that Kelly was upset and Vicki thinks that Kelly just wanted to get everyone’s opinion and embarrass Vicki. Well, probably a bit of both. Gina says she thinks it’s ok for Vicki to stand by her decision, but that Gina doesn’t have to agree with it. Gina is like- for me now, I’m out.
They then talk about how they both moved to Cali from other places. They both moved away from their mothers and when the mother didn’t follow them, they just focused on it being them and their kids. Yeah, well, except Shannon killed Vicki’s Mom.
Vicki says that her daughter just wants to focus on her own little family and that has bothered Vicki. And they say they will get together again.
Next week, Shannon works out. The girls play poker. Kelly tells Vicki that she is a constant let-down to her.
Vicki is the WORST!!!!
Eddie has more heart work.
We saw a little more of Gina- which MisRed happened to enjoy and hope her clashes with Vicki continue. We learned nothing more about Emily except that she is a lawyer. Vicki continues to win the award for biggest garbage person alive week after week. What do you guys think of Shannon’s QVC meals? You can buy them for only about $12 each. That’s $6 per strand of linguini.
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