Last week’s episode was super-boring. Let’s help for better this time, shall we?
Look! Grandson’s first concussion
At Briana’s Vicki plays baseball with her grandson and promptly hits him in the face with the ball.
Andy Cohen better book this parrot on WWHL
Tamra meets Meghan and the nanny, for lunch. On the way into the restaurant- there is a large parrot sitting on a pole and he calls Tamra “Old.” bahahah
Shannon joins the girls. They ooo and ahhh over the baby. Shannon is trying to not drink because it’s empty calories… but then orders a tequila. Oh the nanny takes off with the baby so it’s just going to be a regular bitch-fest. Meghan is so excited to be back in Orange County. Meghan doesn’t know how working women do it. Last I checked Meghan doesn’t work so why is she so worried about it? But I mean, in a few years when Jim divorces her, she will need to worry about that then, so maybe she’s being proactive?
Shannon says she’s “still on her weight thing.” Meghan is like- what are you talking about. Then we hear how Shannon has gained 40lbs. REALLY?? I must have missed that in the past four episodes. Shannon is like it’s all because of Vicki and the “allegations.” In an interview, Meghan is like- what Vicki did was bad but not 40lbs bad. Meghan suggests, maybe Shannon has gained weight because she is unhappy in her marriage.” Christ on a bike, don’t let Shannon hear her say that – she’ll pack on another 40lbs. Shannon goes on to say how she hasn’t told David that she is 40% fat. Now her ratios are 40% fat, 90% neurosis, 30% tequila. That sounds correct mathematically, right? Someone check MisRed’s work.
Meghan is having a “sip and see” for the baby. But my closed caption called it a “slip and see through.” Hahaha. My closed caption has a doctorate in psychology.
Meghan has invited Vicki and nobody is excited about it. Tamra is like- I’ll go for you. And Meghan is like “you should go for Aspen.” Ugh. I hate when people have babies and turn into assholes. Although I guess Meghan was already mostly asshole, so it’s not a big evolution, I suppose. Carry on.
Meghan says, “It’s not like Vicki is going to hurt my baby.”
Shannon and Tamra are like… just wait.
Has Meghan MET Vicki?
Lydia’s family is in Hawaii. I guess even if you are having financial trouble you can go on vacation to Hawaii. Oh, Lydia’s mom is there- maybe that’s why they are in Hawaii- to score a boatload of pineapple express.
Come on kid, I’m late to meet my dealer
Lydia wants to have a talk with her sons because the older one told the younger one what “sexy lady” means.
BTW it means “kissing a lady while you are naked” according to the 8 year old.
So then Jesus came down the mountain and everyone got laid. The End.
Lydia and Doug sit the kid down for the sex talk. They are having the sex talk on the beach, ON CAMERA. Sweet Jesus. They say that having sex is about Jesus. Lydia says she wants to give her kids “the most God-centered real perspective” about sex. Lydia was a virgin when she got married, and so was her husband, oh and Jesus invented sex, although Lydia retracts this statement because Jesus wasn’t married. I can’t with these two.
Over at Piggy is yelling at Koko to not play ball in the house. Oh boy, this kid is unfortunate looking.
These poor kids look like Dicko.
Diko comes home. Piggy has made dinner in the crock pot and complains that cooking is so much work.
Next Food Network Stars- you can rest easy…
It looks like a cucumber and a tomato with a blob of sour cream. Super appetizing.
The dinner conversations centers around the fact that Piggy and Diko are getting the first Lamborghini Aventador S. Piggy “custom designed” it. Great. So now Piggy has ruined Lamborghini.
By “designed” she means the picked out a paint chip.
Piggy calls Shannon and invites her to “a Lamborghini event.” Shannon gets all riled up saying if Vicki and Kelly will be at the event Shannon is not going because of “The Allegations.”
Shannon- this woman barely speaks English- you can’t expect her to master Shannonese after one evening
Piggy tells Shannon that she should just let it go it’s “water underneath the rug.”
Oh Piggy. You are new here. Shannon doesn’t let anything go. Ever.
In her interview, she says “It’s an A and B conversation, and I C myself out of it.” Piggy has been spending too much time with Kelly.
Hit it harder.
When they hang up Diko is like “Om my god” and slams his head on the desk.
Kelly and the lop-sided bag of hair go to the Senior Center. Kelly thinks the bag of hair needs a social life. The bag of hair gets shown around. Kelly thinks the hair needs a social life and a companion.
Who let the Tribble in?
You can tell the lady at the Senior Center thinks that Kelly is a moron. Kelly starts a fight with the bag of hair in front of the Senior Center Lady. The bag of hair feels like it’s her time to relax after working hard all of her life and she can choose what that method or relaxation should be. Then Kelly starts to cry because the bag of hair isn’t doing what she wants.
Yes Kelly, let’s make it all about you. Kelly wants to enroll her mother for an entire year. It’s gonna be a long year.
Vicki is moving into her new office. Her grand legacy plan is to have Michael take over. He’s currently the VP. And it’s a title, I’m sure, he earned.
Just order another one off regr-etsy
A ton of Vicki’s stuff got broken in the move- the awards she bought for herself are all cracked and broken. Then we hark back to Vicki getting some award and then falling off the stage.
It never gets old.
I think that was Vicki’s Face 2.0. Could have been 3.0. It’s hard to keep track.
Vicki tells Michael she is going to have franchises all over the country. Uh huh. And if Michael wants to- he could bring Danny into the business. Danny is Michael’s girlfriend.
Michael, now is the time to enter the witness protection program.
Michael has been dating this chick for a year and Vicki tells him he must have a pre-nup.
but her face though…
Because Vicki has been taken to the cleaners a few times, she wants to “nup” everything. They aren’t even engaged. But a pre-nup is not a bad idea, but here’s one for you… how about you MAKE BETTER CHOICES.
And Vicki asks if they are using birth control? Michael is like “Can I kill myself, please.”
At Kelly’s she says she knows how she will make amends with Shannon. She thinks Tamra is the one standing in the way of a friendship between her and Shannon. She dials the phone… calling Tamra.
Thank god for caller ID
Tamra looks at the phone and is like “crap.” Kelly invites Tamra to coffee the following day. This was the lopsided bag of hair’s idea. Kelly tells Tamra that she wants to talk about Shannon as well and she doesn’t want to feel any negativity. Tamra agrees to meet Kelly.
Tamra immediately calls Shannon and tells her that Kelly invited her for coffee. Shannon feels that Kelly should be calling her and inviting HER to coffee.
IT’S NOT MY F*CKING PLATE!!!!
Kelly would look better with a coffee cup being thrown at her face.
Keep making that face and his balls will shrivel up and FALL off
Over in Hawaii, Lydia and Doug are sharing a private dinner. With cameras, of course. She is so proud of Doug and his work, but she needs him to take a break so he can cut his balls off. Lydia doesn’t want more kids. Doug would still, kind of, like to have a daughter. Lydia tells Doug to freeze his sperm because she doesn’t want to be on the pill for 10 more years. Doug says “let me lay a fact” on Lydia- he doesn’t want to go from being a Stallion to a Gelding or some such bullshit. Yes, that “fact” was riveting.
What the actual f*ck is Meghan wearing?
In boresville, Meghan is talking to the baby and the nanny. Meghan got a bunch of soap samples. She is still working with her candle store, but she likes to take on a lot of responsibility, so maybe she is now doing soaps? Who cares. Jim comes in and goes immediately over to the baby. Meghan wishes Jim would stay home more now that the baby is born. Meghan thinks, one day, he will come home and Aspen will not know who he is because he works so much.
Aspen is way too cute for these imbecils
Aspen probably won’t know who he is because he will be your ex-husband. That’s MisRed’s guess
Tamra meets Kelly. Kelly’s plan is to out puppet the puppet master. Ok.
Step one would be figuring out the definition of “puppet” and “master”
Well, you would need a brain for that. Tamra says that she doesn’t want to fight- but when she gets backed into a corner, she comes back with claws out. Kelly has been talking about Tamra on social media and Tamara is like- that’s not cool.
The brain-trust communicates
Kelly interviews that it’s very hard for her to control herself when she gets antagonized. “I just can’t help it.”
I can’t help it. I’m a c*nt-knuckle
Kelly has a disease. It’s called “being an asshole who takes no responsibility for her behavior.” That’s a clinical diagnosis from Dr MisRed. They both say that the Quiet Woman was a sh*t show. In my experience, people who label something “a shit show” are usually the creators of said “shit show.” Kelly says she is open to meeting with Shannon. Tamra says she’s sorry for anything she “engaged in.” And Kelly says “I accept your apology.” Kelly then tells Tamra that she got her snatch tightened. At this point she should hire a sky-writer.
Not being able to decide between Black and White is revolutionary
Over at the Casa de la Piggy- Diko is getting ready for the Lamborghini event and keeps asking Piggy for her opinion on his outfit. Diko asks a million questions about what outfit he should wear and he’s annoying the shit out of Piggy.
Oh look, Diko’s daughter is wearing the polyester faux-lace curtains from the local whore house.
Over at Lamborghini, Lydia and Dough (I always type Dough instead of Doug- so I’m just going to go with it.) show up at Lamborghini and they meet the spawn of Piggy and Diko. Lydia and Piggy talk about getting Doug’s balls cut off. Piggy takes it literally and thinks they are literally getting the balls cut off.
Meghan and Jim and Vicki and Steve the crooked cop show up as well. Vicki is jealous hat Meghan’s body bounced back.
They are ready to unveil the car…. which Piggy does.
And it looks exactly like every other Lamborghini
And Vicki goes “Oh. A. Bright. Yellow. Car.” Vicki thinks she needs a Lamborghini. She calls herself a “gear head.”
The word you are looking for is “sh*t.” You are a “sh*t head.”
Jim is amazed that Meghan is capable to taking care of the baby and he doesn’t have to get up and do anything. It is good that Jim is keeping his expectations low.
The “ladies” (I have to use quotes if Vicki is in the group) are chatting. They talk about the trip to Ireland and Piggy is like “Oh you went to Ireland?” They get all cagey, saying it was good until it wasn’t good, blah, blah, blah. Don’t taint Piggy, she still thinks you are all nice people and not a bunch of sea-hags.
Meghan tells them about the Sip and See and all of the ladies are going to be there.
Tamra and Eddie head over to Shannon and David’s house. They talk about how Piggy is getting a Lamborghini. Tamra tells Shannon that Kelly wants to meet with her. Shannon thinks it needs to be before the “sip and see.” Tamra tells Shannon that she needs to keep it in check with Kelly and Shannon will try to keep Tamra in check when it comes to Vicki. Great plan because it’s always gone so well in the past.
Back at the event- Lydia says- of the sip and see -that they are going to be cordial. Vicki says, “I would never do that” (not be cordial) and Meghan is like “Yes, you would!”
Vicki says that everyone doesn’t understand her and that’s the problem. Yes, everyone ELSE is the problem. Vicki says she can’t be the only one apologizing in a problem.
Yes because you f*ck up over and over and over again
Vicki is so delusional. Vicki says she has apologized many times. But Vicki does PLENTY for which she needs to apologize.
The Clip heard round the word.
Piggy clamps Meghan’s lips together, physically, because Meghan was making everyone uncomfortable.
Not to be confused with…
Oh yeah, that’s going to go over well.
And we thought nobody would stir the pot this season…
I guess we will find out what happens next week. #justice. Thanks for reading and as always, I love your comments. xoxxox
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