Welcome back to Shahs of Sunset, where we dip into the offensive lives of a series of dummies, who love each other, but, in a much more real way, also live to see each other’s destruction. Last we left them, Reza was having a party the likes of which I have never seen on Bravo. It featured offensive stereotypes, awful costumes, and base assumptions about two oft misunderstood cultures. And all that was just in the “getting ready” scenes. Reza brought the group together in terribleness and they are all off to Israel! Also, ASA IS PREGNANT. I want to make that very clear. MJ is a disaster, both emotionally and in apartment-cleanliness wise.
We open on Reza, experiencing his number one emotion: hunger. Poor Adam forgot to bring his tote bag full of Reza snacks: sliders, fries, and a Yeti full of milkshake, so Reza will have to starve. The boys are attending a meeting to discuss surrogacy because Adam must have a baby soon and Reza must comply or Adam will never make him snacks.
Want: One baby. Preferably not made out of anything of Reza’s.
Reza thinks it will be weird that the baby will have two gay dads. I think that the kid will have much bigger fish to fry, like an addiction to tacky home furnishings and calling everything in preschool sooooo Persian. Speaking of home furnishings, Reza is most concerned that the fertility doctor has a designer husband who outfitted the office with expensive shit that Reza will now have to pay for.
The boys want to each inseminate an egg from the same woman to make twins. Ish. NOOOOO. This is a terrible idea. The Reza egg will be so hungry about 4 months in to the gestation that it will cover the womb in chevron and gobble up the Adam egg.
Turns out making a baby this way is expensive: $120,000-$160,000 and Reza senses there will not be room to bargain.
I’m not paying over 100K for something I don’t want in the first place.
Reza does not want to risk putting his seed inside trailer trash. He wants Harvard educated eggs. HA HA HAR. Like that will make a difference. Everyone will still know the difference between the quiet, polite child and the one that tries to sell his parents’ house for a plate of sliders when he gets put into time out.
Next, MJ is back for a very sad visit with her father, who is in rehab and recovering from his stroke. This is so gross. She needs to keep this off camera. No one needs to see you putting porn and your middle school pictures on your very ill father’s rehab wall. I feel terrible for this man and I am not going to be tricked into thinking MJ is anything less than a person who pees on camera and called her friend’s unborn child a bastard.
GG is up next to give her boyfriend some quick camera time before he sashays right out of her life.
He asks the important questions. Answer: NO.
Shalom is here to meet GG’s parents. The drama is that he is Jewish and she is not. He is, however, a human man who has not taken a restraining order out against their daughter yet, so I think they will be fine.
Shalom plans to get them drunk because Mr. GG loves sake (I can picture Reza adding that niblet to his religiousness grading spreadsheet).
Marry our daughter. Take her to live anywhere else.
GG is primed for drama that will get her extra crying screen time, perhaps with a questionable therapist, but alas her mother is just impressed with how many languages Shalom can speak. Already this guy seems too smart for GG. GG wanted more drama, damnit so she asks for her parents to review Shalom in front of him.
Thumbs up for down?
It’s painfully awkward and Mrs. GG spills grease into an open electric socket to avoid the question.
My kind of lady: can still eat, even through a possible hazard.
Gorgeous gal. How did you raise such trash?
Mr. GG leaves us hanging, but ultimately he doesn’t give a rats ass whether the boyfriend is Jewish. As long as the boyfriend is willing, able, and ideally wants to move her to one of the many countries he grew up in far far away. Poor Shalom does not have an easy out tonight.
Now, it is time to meet with the PREGNANT PERSON. Asa heads to the baby store to buy expensive baby crap that is gold, made exclusively of organic cotton, and have snack stations installed in case a bitch gets hungry that’ssoPersian. Reza joins and immediately identifies everything that is gold because that’ssoPersian and learns how to click a stroller.
You’re basically a Dad. But you’re not a dad. Because I’m pregnant and this is the year that I’m pregnant.
Asa will be a psycho overprotective mom, unless something is cute or the appetizers are half off. Reza now wants to have a baby because his
maternal instinct love of cute shit is kicking in. His love of money, however, tells him he needs to adopt. Because he loves a bargain and a bargain egg might be old and risky. Asa’s 40 year old egg seems to be working out, but not everyone is that lucky and Reza is that cheap.
Reza bitches to Asa about how mean MJ is. MJ is so jealous over Asa’s baby and not having one of her own that it’s making her vicious. I think that Vita made her vicious from day 1, but okay, we will go with MJ only being vicious recently.
Tommy researches the titty policy of Israel.
MJ is concerned about what she will wear in Israel because she owns not one single thing that covers her boobs/body in general. Tommy learns Israel has a firm tits out policy.
MJ pees on camera yet again to check if she is ovulating. Shoot me, please. Eventually all that drinking was going to pickle her insides and maybe it has because she is not ovulating. She adds this little nugget: Asa getting pregnant was not a happy occasion for a friend, it was a sign from god that MJ should get pregnant because she is older than Asa and is the one who deserves the baby. I would keep her from the baby because she will probably just steal it.
I prefer the ass view. It says less horrible things.
MJ, you need to shut up forever. You are over 40 and don’t seem to work/do anything but drink. The fact that you forgot to have a baby before now and your other friend is having a whoopsy baby is a personal issue that you need to deal with personally and quietly. People struggle with infertility for years and you have struggled for minutes and used those minutes to rip a friend who is fertile. You suck. Rant over!
Mike’s brother comes to help him get ready for Israel. So far they have: no one wears suits in Israel (literally every picture of him in Israel is in a suit) and a passport. Packing success!
No one wears suits in Israel except tacky tourists with bad face make up. And their families.
Mike has not been to Israel in ten years, but waxes on about how this time when he goes he will be a single DIVORCED man. Bitch, you were single last time and all of the other times. You were married for 5 minutes. These people are insane. Asa acts like she’s the first person to ever get pregnant, Mike acts like he’s the first man to ever get divorced and have his wife take the stylish half of everything.
How can there be that many women that wanted to sleep with this?
Reza and Adam are having an adoption agent over, so of course they pour themselves some nice alcoholic beverages. For an adoption agent. Guys, we may not have to worry about the safety of a child in Reza’s care after all. Reza suggests that they keep the booze in their cups, but pour the agent a Coke sans whiskey.
Adam wants to dress up their baby up so that all three of them match. Reza informs us that Persians don’t do that, which is a nice change because up until now, we only knew what was Persian.
“What made you think that you would possibly be able to take care of child when your apartment looks like this??”
Immediately cry, maybe then they will believe that adoption is not just less than $160,000.
The foster-to-adoption lady informs them that thousands of children, many of them LGBT youth, are waiting to be adopted in LA alone. I’m torn. These children need homes and help. But do they need this home? Would this home be any help? To answer my question, Reza informs the lady that he could probably just swing by Iran on the way home from Israel with some cash and bring back a pair of kids at a real bargain basement price. BARF.
Reminder: Destiney is in this cast now.
It is finally actually time to start leaving for this trip. Destiney and Shervin are riding together to the airport. Destiney’s big story is that she has had a passport for ten years and hasn’t used it until today. Great story.
Destiney asks the questions we all want answers to: does Shervin do phone sex, does he like sleeping with women, does he get blue balls when his GF lives on the other side of the world? I don’t know that this girl is going to work out, guys.
Asa is going to have trouble flying because she is 47 months pregnant and she will make sure every goddamn person on that plane knows it.
The boys share their “I’m not a terrorist” outfits. They are strictly emotional terrorists and that is baggage you cannot check.
Reza wears gold because that’ssoPersian and also people who wear expensive shit aren’t going to blow up a plane. At this point I’m shocked these people are still able to go out in public.
MJ casually touching Mike’s junk with phone. Great. Now her phone has the herp.
Apparently Israel is not keen about letting these dummies in (something America should have explored when they were on their way back) and they are detained.
Sounds like a punishment for the interrogator.
Interesting decision making skills, Israel.
Mike is PISSED because he is the only Jew and he is being detained.
This one is really just a safety issue.
Asa and MJ (too relieved to resent Asa’s pregnancy, I assume) giggle and gab about how theyyyyy got through because theyyyyy were friendly.
Might be a fair point.
Destiney is the first one to be released because they also forgot that she was in this cast and the interrogator didn’t want to be asked about his sex habits.
This is just like Israel’s Next Top Suspicious Traveler. Next to be released is:
There are 4 models with ugly hair in the room, but only one photo in my hand.
Next is Mike, the real Jew and the most pissed and apparently over his Muslim carry on weight limit.
Pissed he didn’t make the top Jew contest of the group. I even showed my necklace!
Tick tick tick tick
Back in detention, GG is about to blow. She has never stayed calm for this long. I love that detention allows cameras. Eventually, GG and Reza are released. Don’t come crying to me, Israel, when they wreck everything, you made your bed.
The group heads to the hotel and Reza gives them one hour to shower and get ready. Asa’s face depicts what we are all thinking: they are going to die of starvation in that time. MJ has never done anything besides pee on camera in under one hour and that’s only because the editors cut the footage down.
They head to a restaurant/club and immediately order all the food and booze the place has left. Upon discovering that everyone in the place is smoking indoors because they can, Asa leaves. “Because smoke is like the one thing that goes right to the baby.” Oh, so not like blood or food or alcohol or non-organic cotton?
I’m kind of with her because no smoking laws have turned me into a smoke smell baby and I would totally leave a place with that much smoke hanging in the air.
Out of detainment victory sliders!
GG loves the black D.
Mike does not have a black D.
MJ steps outside to smoke her last few cigarettes before she gets pregnant in exactly one month. GG tells her to focus on marriage, since MJ was so recently up Asa’s butt about being pregnant and unmarried. MJ reminds us she will not have a bastard and a shotgun wedding is in her pregnant future. Destiney points out that technically the baby is still be a bastard if it was conceived out of wedlock. BOOM.
Wait wait wait, what?
You’re OLD. Focus on achievable goals.
You guys we need to figure this bastard thing out.
MJ, future mother, is TRASHED and apparently numb from the waist up because her boobs fall out and she forgets to adjust them. MJ engineers spin the bottle that is really just MJ picking who has to kiss. Reza and Mike head to bed early because MJ is a mess. When Reza and Mike find your party too low rent, you maybe need to not procreate.
So that’s all folks. What’s the verdict? Will MJ’s baby be bastard if conceived out of wedlock? Will it be a bastard regardless? Will they make it out of Israel without international incident? Join me next week as we get to the bottom of none of these important questions!
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