Previously on Biiiiiig Brotherrrrrr: Fucking Paul won HoH and I wanted to shoot myself in the face, he put Jess and Cody on the block to see what the whole temptation thing was all about, with Chucklenuts rounding out the noms by losing the pre-nom challenge. Jess and Cody had their first fight because Jessica was totes surprised he was fucking unhinged, and Paul tried to break up our happy psychos by telling Jess that Cody was bad for her game.
And her hairline
Tonight Jess is also wearing cat ears because I guess that’s a thing adults do now. Like banging pots and pans together to annoy people you disagree with. The Cobot is trying out its new facial expressions app but it keeps having random crashes. Jess asks him if he told anyone that he wanted her and Raven out, but his Lying to Girlfriend app is still in beta testing so he storms out instead of having a conversation.
Have you tried turning it off and back on again?
Jess has told Paul she’d consider letting him evict the Cobot IF she’s safe from noms for two weeks AND if the next HoH puts Alex on the block, because there’s only room for one grown woman wearing cat ears in this house.
They do go better mid-priced call girl look
Paul rallies his squad of followers, AKA The Dipshit Brigade, to all go lie to Jess and say they’ll evict Alex. After telling Jess they have a deal and it’s guaranteed Paul gets so excited in the diary room that his head legit almost flies off.
Keep it up, Dickbeard. No one wants to see your head fall off more than us.
Jess and Cobot cuddle and talk about breaking up. The Cobot tries to relaunch that Tears app but it’s still glitchy as fuck.
Veto Meeting! Speech!
“Everyone but me is terrible so you should save me”
“World peace.” (no really, that’s her whole speech)
“Speech feature is down. Please try restarting your Cobot.”
Paul uses the veto to take Chucklenuts off the block, which is legitimately bad game play. Everyone knows he made a deal with Jess. Taking her off the block would solidify that deal and prevent her from getting super paranoid and using the hex. And it’s not like anyone was gonna vote out that boring clown shoe anyway. But Paul is super mad that Hobot disrespected the game of BB by not giving a speech.
Disrespected this most holy and respectable of games
Grampa Kevin discusses the relative merits of using the Veto Necklace as a meelee weapon with Raven when in storms Jess to accuse them of conspiring against her. I mean… They are, but they weren’t right then. Oh well. Raven tries to convince Hobot that there’s no conspiracy, but Jess is not having it. She’s sick of the house bullying Cobot and she’s gonna use the hex.
That’s how we hit in the mafia that I’m definitely not a part of
Raven runs to tell Paul, who runs to confront Jess. Their convo is crashed by the Cobot, who tells Paul he’s an evil dictator.
Paul is PISSED that his evictions are gonna get nullified so he tells us he’s gonna bring the chaos. He rallies the Dipshit Brigade to harass Cobot and make their lives miserable. He tells Josh to turn it up to a 30, so Josh dances around in a tutu while banging pots and pans together and singing circus music. This is literally a child’s idea of chaos.
The sad future of all your goddamn Indigo Children
The squad confronts Jess about not keeping her word and also stealing Alex’s cat ears, which she clearly did cause she has them on during the live portions. Honestly Alex, she did you a favor. Those cat ears are so whatever year you were in 8th grade.
Everyone yells at/over each other. Lots of accusations and dumb loud insults and barely contained physical violence. It’s basically my childhood Thanksgivings before my parents got divorced.
Tell your father it’s his fault you’re gay
Hobot heads outside to escape the chaos but Paul orders his idiotic minions to follow and keep harassing. Which they do because they’re mindless idiots.
This is embarrassing by Big Brother standards. And Big Brother doesn’t have standards.
Matt and Mark are the only people in the house with the sense to not participate and also be embarrassed by the whole squad, rocketing them both to the top of my list of people in the BB house who don’t need to be cleansed from the earth with fire.
Okay, you can stay
Eviction time! Speech!
“Fuck you, fuck your beard, fuck your stupid tattoos, and fuck your HoH”
The lights flicker and a dumb bad Vincent Price impersonator tells the house that the hex is activated and no one is going home.
HoH time! This week begins Horror Week in the BB house, so the HoH is essentially mini golf with severed limbs for clubs.
Relax, they said HORROR week
It’s a super bad sign when the house is so full of garbage people that I wouldn’t mind seeing Jess or Cody win. Julie yells at Chinese New Year to hurry up, which is kind of a dick move.
She’s trying, Julie. Jesus.
After a rousing round of watching people hit a ball not very hard fucking Josh wins HoH.
What an excellent HoH for Horror Week since this is going to be absolute fucking torture. But at least we get to find out if it’s possible for anyone to be a more annoying HoH than Paul.
My money’s on yes