Hi, Trashies. After the snoozefest that was The Bachelorette finale, I’m ready to enjoy a show that doesn’t take itself seriously at all. Are you ready to do that with me?
The most self-aware show in this franchise.
First, we get some cast intros. First, it’s Emily and Haley (Ben). They just tell us that even though they’re professional twins, everything about them is different. Then we have Nick (Andi and Kaitlyn). I used to dislike him, but he’s been winning me over lately. His tweets during the finale had me laughing so hard. When Robby was getting dumped, he tweeted out, “I’m just relieved it’s not me.” Also, I like him because he’s interested in Jubilee. Speaking of Jubilee (Ben), she’s up next! On Ben’s season, she learned that she’s unapproachable because of her resting bitch face.
Prettiest resting bitch face ever.
Jubilee wants love, but she doesn’t want to sabotage herself. Oh, and Evan (JoJo) is here and he’s got a new shirt and some new mojo. Chad (JoJo)…is here. He has a cute dog, so there’s that.
Chad’s one redeeming quality.
Oh, and Chad is interested in Lace (Ben). That means she’s up next! Remember how drunk she was on Ben’s season. Yeah, Chad wants to hang out with her. That’s a terrifying thought. Oh, of course Daniel (JoJo) is here.
He doesn’t go away, so he compares himself to herpes…because it’s treatable these days. Also, he has high standards because an eagle wouldn’t settle for a pigeon. On a more sane note, Amanda (Ben) is the next person we meet. She’s doing the thing single moms always do on this show and is looking for a father for her kids.
With that, everyone starts arriving on the island. Amanda is first and Chris Harrison tells her all about Jade and Tanner. I guess we’re going to be talking about them all season since Lacy and Marcus are actually acknowledging they’re no longer together. Nick is our next arrival and he just rambles about his emotions. Yay! Jubilee is here! Oh, Ben dumped her in Mexico, so she’s hoping that this time here is better. I still adore her because she only knows of Evan as “the penis guy.”
Please be my friend, Jubilee.
Oh, hey, Vinny (JoJo) is here! On a cool note, his mom liked my tweet about him. Ugh, Carly (Chris) is here again. She’s decided that this time around she’s going to get to know more people and not just get tunnel vision like she did last time. After that moment,
Handsome Squidward Grant (JoJo) shows up and he’s ready to find a woman…like he always is. The conversation turns to Daniel and Chad. As if on cue, Daniel and his jean shorts show up.
Because he’s Canadian.
He doesn’t think any of the women are good looking, but he might get with one of them if he got “white girl wasted.” The conversation turns to Chad and, for some reason, the ladies think that they’ll like him. Fucking why?
Oh, hey, remember Sarah (Sean)? She saw relationships come out of the first season (but not last very long) and she watched Jade and Tanner get married after meeting, so she’s giving it another shot. While she’s saying hi, Daniel wants Vinny to help him rate girls. Vinny has eyes that work and thinks the ladies are beautiful. Daniel gives us an entirely too long fruit metaphor.
The twins arrive, and one of them is thinks Daniel is interesting. Oh, it’s Emily and she and Daniel walk off to the water together and we find out she doesn’t like high fives. Who doesn’t like high fives? Anyway, Jubilee is interested in someone, but she won’t tell anyone until he gets here. Daniel just hopes that the next arrival “isn’t some lame person.”
It’s just someone that literally no one recognizes.
That’s apparently Izzy from Ben’s season. She was sent home on night one and wore a onesie. That’s literally all the info anyone knows about her. I also know she has bad taste in men because she wants to talk to Daniel first. Thankfully, she wises up quick.
This expression says it all.
Time to hide the booze because Lace is here! Grant thinks she’s hot, but he feels sorry for anyone in a relationship with her. That doesn’t last long because everyone just strips down to their bathing suits and goes swimming. Well, almost everyone. Jubilee is waiting for her guy to show up. And that person is Jared (Kaitlyn).
And Jubilee goes into heat.
Unfortunately for Jubes, Sarah walks away with Jared first. We see none of that because Evan is talking about Chad. He tries to create a metaphor using Moby Dick and it becomes quickly obvious that Evan has never actually read that book. Then things turn ominous.
Don’t you dare scare Jorge!
Oh, you know that means that Chad is here, right? He tries to tell us that he was misunderstood and he just doesn’t want to be fake. That’s just something that ass holes say. Chad walks into the group and Evan immediately reinforces his shirt. For some reason, the ladies all think he could be interesting. Nope, I think he’s just a douchebag. Lace uses her eye magic powers to tell us that she and Chad hit it off…just by saying “hi.” Honestly, it starts out being pretty cool. He’s even perfectly polite to Evan.
And we have our first couple of the season.
At this point, Daniel gives us his greatest contribution to this franchise: “I’m going to let the liquor do the talking and go into booze control.” Well done, Daniel.
After some drinking, Chris Harrison brings everyone together to let them know that this week, the ladies will be asking the men on dates and the men will be giving out the roses. Oh, and Emily and Haley only count as one person because that’s clearly how twins work. Chris Harrison tries to convince everyone how real this all is because Jade and Tanner got married. Then again, Marcus and Lacy were never legally married and split up soon after that farce, so I think we’ve broken even. With that, it’s time to start the party. We also get some stupid Croc Hunter like segment where Evan goes through Chad’s bag to look for protein. He doesn’t find protein, but he does find a meat scale.
But Chad found the protein!
We get our first bit of drama because both Emily and Jubilee are interested in Jared, but they’re good friends. While that’s going on, a date card arrives and it’s for Jubilee! Of course she asks Jared and he says yes. Emily is, obviously, jealous.
We don’t see much else of substance because everyone is just drinking. So far, Jared and Jubilee are going on a date, Vinny and Izzy are hitting it off, and Lace and Grant are hanging out together. Lace tells Grant that he doesn’t reciprocate questions and ask about her. Then they fight about broad questions. After that, she decides that Chad is a better option.
MAKE BETTER DECISIONS, LACE!
Honestly, she and Chad seem to be getting along well. It’s weird to see. Then they drink more. I have no idea how to describe it. They’re fighting, then making out, then fighting again. They remind me of the Boston teenagers from that early 2000s Saturday Night Live skit. I can’t find a video to embed, but you can see it here.
And Lace’s butt is blurred out.
Nick has pretty much completely won me over with the line, “You know how rats have a lot of sex and they multiply a lot, but they also eat each other? Chad and Lace.” They’re just both so drunk and just making out in the ocean.
Oh, shit! There’s a date going on! Jared and Jubilee are just going to dinner in a place covered with pinatas.
It’s like Lisa Frank vomited all over their date.
They talk about how much they love Lord of the Rings, but neither knows that it’s “Aragorn” and not “Aragon.” The whole nerd-vana is interrupted by a clown.
No, I wasn’t kidding.
The whole thing just ends with Jared and Jubilee breaking some pinatas, but I don’t care because I want to go back to the house to watch Chad and Lace implode. Oh, wait, first we have to watch Vinny and Izzy make out.
What would your mom say about this, Vinny?
While that’s going on, Chad and Lace are still…being Chad and Lace. Chad is threatening Lace and calling it a joke and you can see that she’s starting to sober. As Nick puts it, Lace is in a situation she can no longer control. And then, the moment it all comes to a head. Chad calls her a “c—” (I’m not even a fan of typing that word). With that, we get my next favorite Nick line: “I feel like God mailed it in the day he made Chad.” Yeah, I’m totally on Team Nick now.
Congratulations. I like you, Nick.
Daniel tries really hard to talk Chad down, but it’s not work. Nick, again, reminds us that maybe Daniel was right when he told Chad acting like Mussolini would be a step in the right direction. Sarah decides to stand up for everyone and talk to Chad. She’s very calm and together and Chad takes it really well and sees the error of his ways. Just kidding! He calls Sarah a “one-armed bitch.” Classy.
Then Evan decides to give talking to Chad a shot. That goes about as well as it did on The Bachelorette. Chad even begins to turn on Daniel. Dude, don’t turn on your only ally right now. It’s nice to see the “un-murdery” side of Daniel.
Then Chad passes out with a crab.
The next morning, Chad wakes up naked in bed. Then he smells his shorts.
Apparently, he shit himself.
When Chad tries to rejoin the group, it’s just a whole lot of awkward silence. Thankfully, Chris Harrison calls everyone together. Chad tries to make it sound like he was calling people out for being fake rather than just being a drunken mess. When Chris Harrison asks, “Is this really the time to be glib?” Chad admits that he doesn’t know what that word even means. When Chris Harrison gets serious, Chad reverts back to his “it was just a joke!” excuse. Hearing Chris say the phrase “suck a dick” when explaining to Chad what he said to the hotel staff is pretty much the highlight of my entire life. With that, Chad is asked to leave.
And Chad is the only one who is surprised by this.
Chad tries to talk his way out of it and throw the blame on everyone else because that’s what he does. I can’t stop laughing at him yelling at the crabs on the way out. “Fuck you, crabs!” is now a permanent part of my vocabulary. While that’s going on, Lace tries to say something nice. Chad told her about losing his mom and she feels he’s trying to cover up the pain. Nick vocalizes my thoughts exactly: “I have a lot of friends who have lost parents and they’re not ass holes.”
Then Chad says what I think we’ve ass suspected about him: “I have nothing in my life.” If that’s the case, I hope the guy can get some help soon so he can stop being a colossal douchecanoe. And then Chad makes me laugh again by telling Chris Harrison that he has no idea what’s going on because he watched the show in bed with a mimosa and a robe. Also, “Fuck you, Chris Harrison!” is another permanent part of my vocabulary. Rumor has it, Chad apologized to Chris, but tweets the next day don’t seem to support that. Eh, who cares at this point?
The previews are probably a whole bunch of nothing. Chad coming back is probably a whole lot of nothing and Evan in an ambulance is likely just dehydration or food poisoning or some other nonissue. Oh, and there will be lots of crying.
I WILL FIGHT WHOEVER MADE JORGE CRY!!!!
So, there you have it Trashies. Thanks again for all your patience this week. Five hours is a lot of show to recap. So, who are you excited for? Who are you not excited for? Sound off in the comments below. And make sure you check out Rose Pricks with RonnieK and Stefanie Wilder Taylor. They’re covering Paradise too!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get find the occasional gif on Tumblr!