Unfortunately, RHONY isn’t a runaway hit and they don’t replay it over and over the way they do with so many subpar shows. We got blood, boob sweat and tears all in one glorious hour yet Bravo doesn’t replay the show at all the next day. I say all this to say that I missed the first nine minutes and they won’t even update On Demand in a timely fashion! I’m going to put together what I think happened based on the photos I found online.
The women are still smashed after the day’s tequila soaked activities. Sonja is still channeling Susan Pewter and trying to make Ramona stop the insanity of pretending that she’s happy. Bethenny hears the word insanity and it immediately triggers memories of the scuff marks Jason so callously left on her beloved Tribeca apartment’s walls. In a fit of histrionics, she rips off her swimsuit and shows off her Magic Eraser buffed boobs.
“Scuff free since ’93!”
To prove the buoyancy of her fun bags, and to disprove that she’s a descendant of Elphaba, Bethenny flings herself into the pool.
It’s like Wild Things but not hot.
Bethenny shortly thereafter commandeers a noodle that’s been on her jock the entire trip. Ramona joins her to cement their newfound alliance.
Ramona: I had a line of noodles first. It’s called Tru Re-Noodles.
Bethenny: I will gouge out your eyes, Singer.
Ramona confesses that she’s a miserable jerk who doesn’t know how to act. Bethenny confesses that she already knew this. The women start crying when they realize how much money they’ve both lost in their divorces and make up instantly.
Ramona: I hugged you first because I’m a better friend. Okaaay?
I missed my most favorite part of the trailer which is Sonja having a margarita pitcher taken from her by Luann who’s on liver patrol.
A liver hasn’t seen this level of abuse since Silence of the Lambs.
Bethenny says they’re on a crazy lesbian island. She’s running around naked, Sonja’s making out with Luann and propositioning Dorinda and still, not one Emmy has been bestowed upon this cast.
In the midst of this, Dorinda has decided to cover Sonja’s Holland Tunnel with Bethenny’s EZ Pass.
Carole: How does it look down there?
Dorinda: Three words. Clip!
Sonja: Awww. John John used to change my diaper.
Yep, Sonja is now hosting Skinny Girl smegma courtesy of one presumptively overpriced bikini. How do you think she got all those Gucci loafers and Prince Albert gowns with tags on them? Good old pillaging. Bethenny spots her bikini on the body that vodka built and decides to let Sonja keep it. Sonja’s vaginal laser beams have probably seared the crotch out at this point so it’s no big loss.
For some reason, Bethenny continues to think that serving these women high quality food at an appointed time is a good idea. They scatter like ugly dudes when the club lights come on to get ready for dinner but Bethenny finds herself all alone at the table yet again. She starts to round the girls up like she’s a drill instructor on Jenny Jones. She immediately riles up Dorinda who’s all “cash me on vacation time, how bout dah?” JK. Dorinda is totally unintelligible.
Dorinda goes off like my cable every two months. You know it’s coming but you think you can squeak by for one more night. Mt. Dorindus has had it with Bethenny trying to tell time and shit. It’s vacation and they’re in the land of siestas, not sequesters.
Dorinda tells Bethenny that she doesn’t have to be perfect all the time. Bethenny counters that she was a pretty crappy wife so, duh! Dorinda continues to mangle the alphabet and the art of salivating with a mashup of words that will inspire the forthcoming song, Dorindian Rhapsody.
Dorinda’s rock star act isn’t finished yet. Ozzy had bats, DoDo’s got knives. At some point during her tirade, Dorinda went Freddy Krueger on ye old chugging hand and started a bloodbath only matched by the Bethenny’s Home Goods jaunt. Bethenny rushes Dorinda to the sink so she doesn’t latch on to the wound and suck her dry for daring to question the Skinny Girl magnate…who undoubtedly has a fridge covered in Skinny Girl magnets.
Dorinda disappears and the rest of the women trickle in for dinner. Tinsley tries to let Ramona off the hook for the Page Six accusations but Ramona doesn’t care. She’s back in with the Notorious BETH and she’s got a new attitude.
And a new layer of baby ass epidermis.
Dorinda starts up again with Bethenny and calls her mean and mockingly thanks her for Skinny Girl day. Bethenny gets all ‘winter is coming’ on Dorinda and the latter retreats to her room to treat her wound with a fifth of brandy and ‘coca-cola’ as she refers to it.
As Tinsley struggles to find a moment on this episode, fireworks begin and everyone ignores her.
“Hey! You guys know I can’t eat until I play a round of peek-a-boo!”
The next day, Dorinda realizes that she set herself up for another ass kicking at the reunion so she tries to make up with Bethenny. Bethenny isn’t trying to hear it and says her first name ain’t baby. It’s Ms,. Frankel if you’re nasty…which Dorinda is. That was a stretch.
Anyway, Dorinda is hurt by these words and tries to get an emo porn going with Carole. She sobs into her cat hair covered bosom that she has a mean streak that’s affected John and Hannah. I mean look at them. John is hooked on Krispy Kreme laced Viagara and Hannah’s stuck shopping in Madonna’s auction block 1987 storage unit.
Meanwhile, Bethenny is convinced that the world hates her because she’s successful and no other reason whatsoever. Yes Bethenny. Two hundred years ago your dinner call would have made you the best knocker-upper in the East. Skinny girls everywhere would have hired you to remind them when not to eat.
As Carole comforts Dorinda, she suddenly hears a scratching noise behind the headboard. She assumes it’s a mouse. I choose to believe it’s Alex hiding from Ramona AKA El Diablo Gringo. Dorinda freaks out because she hates mice “especially…for their intelligence.” I don’t know what Mexican hash this woman smoked but sign me up for the subscription by mail.
Dorinda does an apologizy remix for Bethenny. There’s less wild hand gesturing and more stroking. She basically went from ODB to LL Cool J and really turns up the heat with the dead husband defense. Bethenny cries that she’s sorry for being rich, successful and thin but she’ll manage to forgive her poorer, man-dependent, doughy friend one more time.
Ramona, Tinsley and Carole go fishing and as they get into the van she confuses Alex for Pedro. It’s not her fault, her shades make everyone look alike. Also, I think Alex just got an idea for a real life Face/Off. Anything to escape the scaly faced American.
The other women stay behind to talk about Tinsley. Sonja says that she wants to marry every guy she meets and they’re all great guys until they’re not. Yeah, that’s kind of how dating always works.
Meanwhile Tinsley is getting texts from Scott non-stop. Ramona encourages their newfound love while simultaneously flirting with and crushing the soul of Captain Frank. Tinsley is meeting Scott in Vegas right after Mexico. Barring Scott contracting alcohol poisoning, she may get him down the aisle/drive thru in a matter of days.
Also, any and every woman who wants to get married, needs to move into Sonja’s house ASAP. That brown ice might be housing an ancient gypsy spell or something. Also, Tinsley is planning a thank/fuck you party for Sonja as she prepares to move. I like it. And if you get Sonja drunk enough and Luann naked enough, she’ll especially enjoy the latter part.
Somewhere in here, Sonja attempted sexy Facetime with Frenchie. She maneuvered the phone with the subtlety and agility of a 97 year old woman carrying a chess board. I think he got a new mustache toupee or something like that. She was just all excited that he called so she didn’t have to use her prepaid minutes.
The fisherwomen purchased a fish and pretended that they caught it. Luann doesn’t believe it. Can you believe it girls?!
Ramona arrives at dinner with unlaced shoes and a tight black dress. How is she still single? This. This is how. Dorida says she’s aging backwards. The silent vowel we’re all looking for is – mentally.
At dinner, Bethenny asks what everyone’s best (rose) and worst (thorn) moment was on the trip. Carole says Dorinda’s expletive-laced tirade was the thorn but living together was the rose. Sonja’s rose was the helicopter ride with Ramona and Sonja and leaves out Tinsley. Tinsley says her rose was being in the helicopter and not caring if she died cuz blonde. Luann advises her to stop using the “f-bomb” because they’re at dinner in a public restaurant. Tinsley, in a totally related argument, says that Luann always says Palm Beach instead of West Palm AKA the Florida Skeeves. Luann counters that Tinsley lives there with her mom. Tinsley says she doesn’t live there. Yeah, we know. You’re not allowed within 50 feet of a lawn hence your return to New York City.
Ramona’s rose was her time in the pool with Bethenny. She says Bethenny “peeled me apart and ripped my toenails off” and that’s why Ramona’s heels aren’t laced. We’re coming full circle people. Ramona’s thorn was being uninvited to Tequila although she fixed that with a weed whacker and a clever credit card scheme. Dorinda’s rose was the horse that danced with mariachis and her thorn was the Bethenny argument. So, she’s cool with knives in the hand. I’ll make a note of that. Luann’s rose is her husband and the audience heaves a collective, well, heave. They all yell at her and Bethenny tries to off herself. With a Skinny Girl noose of course.
Next week, Sonja’s dog licks her bidet fresh panties. Dorinda gets a used, but very dry cleaned, wedding dress from John. Tinsley’s party may be missing the guest of (dis)honor and Tom inserts his entire leg into his mouth with sordid stories from his past. And present. And near future.
Late breaking news: Luann and Tom are divorcing! Just when I thought a season of NY couldn’t get better, we’re getting the return of single LUANN! What do you think? Love you for reading and commenting!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!