OK. I know I’m late with the recaps. Like, if my period was this late, my boyfriend would have shit his pants already. Because I’m two episodes behind, other recappers on the net have already lapped me. It’s like middle school track all over again. And high school track. And college. Apparently, I just don’t know when to quit.
BUT! I have an excuse all the other recappers don’t, which is that this is not my job, I’m not paid for it, and flipit doesn’t know where I live. So there.
In exchange for my extreme tardiness, I plan to give you a somewhat mediocre recap. You’re welcome.
- The Sand Snakes were a dramatically mishandled storyline
- The Martels, Tyrells, Varys, Tyrion, and Daenerys teamed up. When you line it all up like that, the unnecessary number of “y” names truly becomes apparent.
- Sam is going to be a maester, and unlike every other father in the history of time, his dad disapproves of this career choice.
- There’s a mountain of dragonglass underneath Dany’s house.
- Jorah has greyscale, the gross disease that a) makes you into a barbaric “Stone Man” with no real human and brains and b) only one person has ever recovered from (Shireen, who was subsequently burned at the stake by her dad. Thanks to Melisandre. Isn’t it ironic, dontcha think?) The best part of this previously scene is the brief glimpse of Daario. May his buns rest in power.
- Arya’s going to kill Cersei, as she has promised for like nine seasons now.
- Cersei is selling her vag to Euron in exchange for his military prowess.
- Daenerys is fucking finally ready to fight people.
This episode not only starts out with a super obvious metaphor (the episode is “born” [begins] during a big storm) but the characters actually point out what a super obvious metaphor it is. You see, one of Daenerys’ bajillion names is “Stormborn”, because she was…born in a storm. The Targaeryens were creative with torture, but not honoraries. Anyway, Tyrion and Varys are oldsters who actually remember when she was born.
Even though it’s her homeland, Dany actually doesn’t really like Dragonstone. I guess it’s too depressing with all the dead dragons. She’s ready to take off and conquer the rest of the map, which we get a peek at. The Lannister lions on the map are limited, but there sure are a lot of players.
Speaking of, Dany wants to know exactly what side Varys is playing on these days. He has worked for about 7 kings, including her dad, who he followed for awhile while he was evil psycho then betrayed; Varys the Joffrey-Ish, and King Robert, who ordered Varys to send an assassin after Dany. Which he did. She straight up interrogates Varys on what’s going to happen if he doesn’t like her next decision. Dany tries to get a Trump/Comey loyalty oath, but Varys won’t do it (those spies! What will they do next?). Instead, he explains that his only loyalty is to the realm. She says that’s fine, as long as Varys knows he’s BBQ if he decides the interests of Dany and the realm diverge.
Next: Dany knows she could just cook up all of Westeros with her dragons and take over, but she doesn’t actually want to rule over a wasteland. She wants to win without absolute destruction. She’s going for hearts and minds. Lo! That has worked so well for the U.S.A.!
Yara and Ellaria are in favor of more firepower and taking King’s Landing now. Tyrion wants to protect civilians, but Ellaria tells him to shut up because her boo died fighting for Tyrion in trial by combat. And then Tyrion tells her to shut up, because after all Ellaria murdered his incest niece with a poision kiss. Awkward vibe. Anyway, even Olenna has come over on the side of ruling by fear. Margaery was pretty much universally loved, but she still got blown up.
Dany tells them all to shut up and that she’s doing her plan anyway. They’re going to lay siege to King’s Landing (because that’s notoriously friendly to civilians??) The Greyjoys will go pick up the Dornish army, and then the Tyrells and Martells will take down King’s Landing. Meanwhile, the Unsullied and Dothraki will take Casterley Rock, the seat of Lannister power. I guess Dany and the dragons will just hang for now. Everyone agrees because Dany is the boss, but I think she’s being dumb. For the “fire” part of this saga, she sure doesn’t know how to strike when the iron’s hot.
Lady Olenna still gets the last word in during a post-war-room sitdown. Her primary advice? Ignore dudes. Done.
Meanwhile, Melisandre has arrived at Dragonstone. She may be a touch less confident after the whole fate-of-the-entire-Baratheon-family thing, but she’s still talking about her prophecies. Specifically, Azhor Ahai, the prince that was promised – or, as Missandei the translator-extraordinaire, the prinCESS that was promised. The word is gender neutral, but apparently still binary. Queer it up, people! In case you forgot or completely don’t care, Azhor Ahai is the Jesus figure of the Red God religion who is going to come back and do awesome stuff.
Anyway, her whole plan is to get Jon and Dany to hang out, which seems like it was going to happen anyway so cookies for Melisandre. Jon already has an ally in Tyrion, since the two hung out on the way to the Wall back in season 1.
Because this show hasn’t really had any sex inawhile, or allowed any people of color to happily get it on in any meaningful way, we next get to see Greyworm and Missandei doin it. He maybe should change hsi name, as that’s not the sexiest title to call out during coitus. Greyworm may not be much for words.. or penis-having.. but he’s great at meaningful looks. Missandei and her triangle hair are loving it. They bone, and by bone I mean he goes down on her a bunch. All I could think about during this scene was whether they have silicone in Westeros.
Over at Winterfell Jon has received the raven from Tyrion asking Jon to come visit, which was sent like ten seconds ago, but okay. Jon asks Sansa for her opinion on the matter annnnd then promptly ignores it. Sansa tells Jon Tyrion’s a good guy, but not to go south, since it’s too dangerous, but he wants to go anyway. His decision is confirmed when Jon receives another raven, from Sam, about the Dragonglass, which was sent last episode but somehow got here later than Tyrion’s but whatever. . At least Sansa gets to play boss while he’s gone. Davos is particularly psyched about the trip as he has put together the super complicated puzzle that fire kills Walkers and dragons breathe fire. Melisandre, share your cookies.
Before leaving, Jon goes to wave at a hilarious statute that I assume must be intended to be Ned. Littlefinger for some reason feels this is a good time to intrude, make things all about him, and declare his love for Sansa.. and Sansa’s mom.. at once. This puts Jon into overprotective mode, which is a little strange since Sansa has already been raped by like three dudes and she was MARRIED to Tyrion, but the guy who has saved Sansa’s life like seven times isn’t even allowed to talk to her. Happy enforcement with that one bro.
In King’s Landing, Cersei is spreading Fake News about Daenerys and the band of savages she is leading to take over Westeros. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that Dany’s dad did literally go crazy and try to murder everyone, and that Dany was in fact involved in the crucifixion of a bunch of dude’s in Slaver’s Bay, and that she is leading two armies respectively known for their toughness/lack of genitals and toughness/raping ability. Woo hearts and minds! Cersei is not concerned about hearts and minds. She is concerned about Qyburn’s progress on his dragon shooting crossbow.
Jaime is courting the lords, trying to get them to back Cersei further. He focuses on Randyll Tarly (Sam’s dad, and Jesus, again with the ‘y’s) who is kind of the boss of all the lords. They also awkwardly reintroduce Sam’s brother Dickon, since he was recast last season 🙁 🙁 🙁 Although we already know he’s separately a dick, Randyll appears to have some kind of honor as he doesn’t want to break his oaths to the Tyrells and also him and Olenna used to chill. BACKSTORY PLEASE. Jaime offers Randyll the position of Warden of the South.
Jorah is still rotting away from greyscale in the Oldetowne dungeons. It’s not going to kill him – yet – but it’s coming for his mind, so he has one day before being shipped off to be a Stone Man. But wait, SCRIITCHHH! Sam realizes Jorah is Jeor Mormont’s son. You know, Jeor Mormont, the old Bear, the former Lord Commander who got killed in the incest village north of the Wall where Gilly was from? So anyway, Sam loved Jeor, so he wants to help Jorah in his honor.
Sam does like 10 seconds of research and miraculously finds a book explaining a cure. His maester boss shoots him down: the reason nobody does this method is that it exposes you to greyscale. Sam decides he has to do it anyway, because it’s not like he’s in Oldetowne to play a vital role in the fate of the entire realm or anything. Sam interrupts Jorah during his last day (which he spends writing to Dany, obvs) and explains he’s going to do a super risky painful procedure. Jorah’s says mkay. Sam proceeds to pry off all of Jorah’s nasty infected skin. Have I tripped and fallen into the dark part of youtube? It’s a pus-y mess, and Jorah goes full bear, roaring as he’s ripped up. Gross.
Hot Pie is miraculously still alive, and making delicious things at the Inn at the Crossroads. When he greets Arya, she’s pretty cold, and focusing on the murderous shenanigans ahead. That is, until Hot Pie mentions that Jon Snow is back at Winterfell! He doesn’t even mention Sansa, but Arya snaps right out of it. She thoughts all her siblings were dead or at the Wall. HOT PIE IS ALWAYS SO HELPFUL! HE IS THE BEST!
Unrelated question: Did Arya kill Ed Sheeran off screen? Any clues? He was a Lannister soldier, after all.
Now, Arya has to decide – north to Winterfell and family, or South to King’s Landing and her murder mission? North it is. Except Jon is currently heading south. IT’S LIKE TEN THOUSAND SPOONS WHEN ALL YOU NEED IS A KNIFE.
On her way north, Arya gets surrounded by a pack of wolves. Snarly ones. She’s frightened until she realizes the gang is actually led by Wolf Queen Nymeria! She’s three times the size of the other wolves (they are so inconsistent with direwolf size on the show) and kickass slanty eyes. She is definitely NOT a pet any more. Arya invites Nymeria to join her on her incredible journey, but Nymeria’s like naw, I’m a queen and heads off with her wolf pack. She has her own shit now. At first Arya is disappointed, but then she realizes that, like her, Nymeria’s an independent badass. arya’s horse is the first to notice THERES WOLVES AFOOT!
The Sand Snakes are bickering in their hammocks. Ellaria is horny, again. Yara is also horny, again. They make Theon feel uncomfortable by getting all stroke-y in front of him, and Yara even invites him in on the action. Poor Theon. Can’t even hook up with his sister any more.
Just as we were about to be forced to watch an unconvincing lesbian encounter, Euron swoops in on his terrifying serpent-shaped attack plank thing. All of a sudden, him and his unrealistic number of ships are surrounding all of Yara and Theon’s boats. I again repeat, how did Euron build so many ships? Why is he such a dick? Did he invent steampunk? Can we not have a completely unhinged psychotic male murderer on this show for five minutes? Ramsay literally JUST died.
Although the Sandsnakes are caught in the crossfire, this is really a war between Ironborn. The Sand Snakes finally actually get to fight, but their selective use of one weapon seems a little dumb now that we see them pretty easily killed by Euron, even in a two on one. Like, why fight with a rope?
Tyene (youngest Sand Snake) is not faring much better downstairs; she pretty much instantly fails to protect her mom, and I guess Ellaria can’t fight at all. Where’s that poison lipstick when you need it?
Finally, Euron and Yara fight.. the man wins again, so sick of this shittt. Can they create some leg-powered weapons so we ladies can have an advantage? At the moment of truth, Euron has a knife to Yara’s throat, and he’s trying to goad Theon to fight. But instead, Theon runs away and jumps overboard like a little scamp. I guess he didn’t get that violent kind of PTSD where you are awesome at killing people.
It’s hard to read Yara’s face at this point. Is she happy Theon is safe, or disappointed that he didn’t protect her?
The episode ends on a Titantic moment – everyone’s floating around dead in the jetsam, except for Theon/Rose, who has completely failed to never let go.