Oh man guys, only two more days left of Paul’s HOH reign of terror – we’re nearly free! To celebrate, I’ve made a pizza with tortellini on top.
When you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
When we last saw the houseguests, they were competing in the brand new Nomination Temptation Obliteration Competition that involved wearing tutus and dizzy bowling; Whistlenut lost and hopped on the block, and Mark somehow won and gained safety. To counter Jess’s “Ha ha, can’t nom me!” taunt, Paul put her and Cody on the block to see if a voice would come from the heavens (or ceiling or whatever) to stop it, but it didn’t. I hate smug, self-satisfied Paul the most of all the Paul variants, and unfortunately that’s the Paul we’re getting the most of. Or maybe that’s all that Paul is?
Anyway, the Big Brother announcer announces that this will be one of the most exciting episodes of Big Brother EVER, so buckle up! You buckled? Let’s go.
We open this episode seconds after the nomination ceremony, where nobody believes Jess and Cody are actually safe since there wasn’t a lightning strike when they were nominated. Raven tries to give Jessica a hug and is shot down.
“Ew, get your pacemaker off me”
Paul calls Jess up to the HOH for a heart-to-heart, and asks Cody to come along too. It’s impossible to convey in text how annoying Paul’s condescending way of speaking is; he really thinks the more syllables in a word the better – even if he doesn’t say it right – and he just repeats himself over and over and over and over and over forever and ever amen.
Cody and Jess try to convey to Paul that he blew his HOH by nominating them, and Cody goes into full alpha mode.
“Don’t be such a beta, bro”
He calls Paul out on his constant vet-splaining, which Paul doesn’t like, and then Paul makes the worst mistake you can on a reality show: he tells Jessica to lower her voice and calm down.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Cody gets all up in Paul’s beard, so Paul tells Cody to get out, which I guess is the reasonable side of the argument. It still made me very angry when my boyfriend said that Paul was in the right, though – YOU’RE ON THIN ICE, JEREMY. Anyway, Cody does get out, while still throwing barbs at Paul like “You always have to have the last word” which Paul totally disproves by following them out on the balcony and having the last word.
“I mean, who defines word? Who can say what last means? No, YOUR tattoos look like a splotchy mess!”
Paul very bravely tells Cody to grow up from the safety of the balcony until Jess and Cody are in another room with a closed door. Jess gets mad at Cobot for executing his escalation protocol, and he’s all “wait, how am I the villain?”, which I agree with (Paul said “calm down”! Who does that?). All this fighting makes Jess question if her and Cody’s love can survive in the real world, so she takes some alone time to think about it (I give it like an hour before they go back to Make Out Town, population 2).
The coast is clear for Paul to come back to the kitchen, so he regales the rest of the houseguests with tales of his bravery in the face of Cody.
“And he was seven feet tall! And he took out a knife and was like ‘Eat steel!’ “
Josh hops on the Cody hate train, which sounds something like “meatball meatball, circus song, meatball”, and speaking for us all, Mark tells him to shut the f*ck up.
I love you, gentle giant.
Josh’s meatball-o-meter flips over to Mark in in instant, and he goes back to the tried and true method of screaming that Mark’s a bully while clanging pots and pans. He seems like a ton of fun to be stuck in a house with. Mark tolerates Josh’s shenanigans for longer than is reasonable before jumping up and grabbing the pans from Josh’s incredibly irritating grasp.
Actual footage of Josh pissing himself.
I want Mark to give Josh a little love tap to the cranium with a pan, but a voice comes of the loudspeaker and commands them to move to opposite sides of the house and I’m robbed of justice. Although that’s probably for the best; I imagine frying pan assault would constitute an instant eviction because life’s not fair.
After the fight, Cody emerges from his fortress of solitude to console Mark.
It turns out that before Mark was Pale Hulk he was bullied a lot, so Josh’s taunting struck a nerve and we get another Diary Room interview of trying-not-to-cry Mark.
Seriously the hero we need.
Cody and Mark have some serious broing down over women and how crazy they be, since Jessica is still mad and Elena is leaning more openly to the Paul side. If only Paul hadn’t come in the house they’d be running the place – but it probably would have been a much more boring show, so I’m conflicted.
Meanwhile, Paul slithers (oooh, I get it now, Dominique) over to Jessica to fake apologize and raise his eyebrows intently and gesture too much with his hands when he talks. He’s all “I didn’t want to nominate you, but the hex and the house, and have I ever told you I was on this show before? I know how it works”.
Back in my day…
Jessica tells him how much he’s blown it, since her hex means she’ll pull everyone off the block and render his HOH-ship impotent, and finally Paul gets it. He quickly pivots and tries to get Jessica to drop Cody like a pile of used extensions. He’s all, “Cody’s dragging you down girl, cut him loose!”.
“I totally heard Cody say your contouring sucks, so….”
Paul runs back to the rest of Team Paul to tell them what Jessica said about the Hex as well as his brilliant plan to talk Jessica into de-Codying, and the editors give him a little hashtag.
This recap has WAY too much shirtless Paul.
Picking up some of Paul’s snakier qualities, Christmas goes to Jessica’s room for a slumber party of betrayal, and Jessica tells Christmas the details of the Hex. Christmas manages to look surprised by this news, and suggests a crazy plan that she and not Paul definitely came up with.
After Christmas’ uh, whatever the opposite of a pep talk is, Jessica puts on some knee high socks and goes to confront Cody for wrecking her game. I don’t know if it’s a blown circuit or what, but Cody gets real emotional and it seriously sounds like he’s crying.
I was making this same face.
Their argument actually makes me really uncomfortable; Cody says “I just want you to be happy”, and Jessica ponders what to do and then leaves the room. Come on, I don’t watch these shows to feel things – let’s get back to people being idiots, please!
In a parallel to Cody and Mark’s earlier bro-down ho-down, Jessica and Elena snuggle up and talk about the constant disappointments that their showmances have turned out to be.
“And then he was all ‘I just want you to be happy’, UGH”
Elena gives Jess the same “you’re great, but Cody is the wooooorst” speech that she’s been getting all day, and elsewhere Cody and Mark unite for an even more emotional encounter. Cody still sounds teary, Mark’s always on the verge, and I am into it.
Cody tells us in the DR that he’d jump on a grenade for Jess by being voted out if it would save her game. I am really confused and conflicted by the feelings I’m having for ol’ Cobot guys, I’m gonna need a minute.
Okay. I’m back.
It’s time for another serious Jess/Cody conversation – hopefully the last of this ep, but who knows! Cody’s all “Paul is a stupid loser and there’s no option but to get up in stupid losers’ faces!”
I feel you, brah
Jess doesn’t like that Cody acts like this, because you can’t do that in the real world – but the joke’s on her because Cody acts exactly the same out of the house as in! He has a little mini-speech about his behavior being the reason why he’s single and doesn’t have many friends, and hates that about himself; and damn it Jessica you’ve got to go out there and win it for the both of them! He honestly sounds like he’s crying AGAIN, and then they’re reunited I guess?
Together 4-Ever (or a week, time will tell)
Alright, seriously enough of shomance central – it’s time for BB Storm Watch!
They have to memorize information about tropical storms for the veto comp later; so everyone except Jobot (reunited and it feels so good) go upstairs to study. Josh takes this time to throw out not one but TWO “your boy”s in the DR.
Truly the worst. Well, second worst. He’s not great.
The storm watches continue throughout the night, while Jobot continues to sleep, and before you can say “I will Paul would stop screaming” it’s the next day and time to play veto. Paul draws his own name first, so he chooses Kevin to play, and his second draw is Raven. Let’s get ready to Storm Watch!
I guess production has been watching a lot of Roger Corman movies, because in addition to ye olde squirrel there are some strange animals in the backyard.
Don’t think I didn’t see those Sharknado 6 commercials, CBS
To win this comp, players must fill in the blanks on the teleprompter while being blasted with tropical storm Friendship, and enduring more wacky sound effects than are reasonable. Honestly, each player was pretty enjoyable:
Adorable, and made loan shark jokes.
Voice mysteriously went down an octave when screaming in the rain.
Uh…sure was…quirky out there?
Okay, almost every player was enjoyable.
When it rains it pours –
– because Paul wins this comp too. Whyyyyy?
At least Christmas looked cute, I guess.
After everyone goes inside and dries off, Paul goes upstairs to try to get Jess to thrown Cody under any bus that comes by.
You come to me asking for a favor, on this the day of BB Storm Watch
He tells her that early in the game Cody wanted Alex and Jason to stick around so they could get rid of Jess. They show a clip of him saying that, sort of, but also of in a joking manner and IT WAS SO LONG AGO, don’t fall for the snakey lies Jessica!
I MEAN, LOOK AT HIM
Swayed by Paul’s info, Jess says that she’d consider not using the hex IF AND ONLY IF she’d be safe for two weeks and Alex is the next person out of the house. Paul says he’ll get that lie set in motion, and it looks like maybe Jobot’s days are numbered.
I just…man. I’m so ready for Paul to not be HOH. And to be gone. Like, never on TV again gone, I am DONE with Paul, y’all. See you next week!
Has that beauty mark mole always been there?