Hello Charm fans. Well. This is it. The last show of the season. Overall, I thought this season was pretty good. And this time, we get to see a showdown between Ashley and Kathryn over the drunk elephant in the room. Let’s watch!
We open with Ashley whining that she’s walking into the lion’s den, but is going to “speak her truth”. Okay. Right from Jump Street, I’m irritated, because I have zero feelings for someone who metaphorically slathers themselves with meat, runs around a den full of lions waving her arms, and then complains that the lions are after her.
“I don’t know why-ah the lions-ah are so mean-ah!-I just gave them some blood-ah!”
Andy asks Kathryn about her disappearing when she stopped her meds. Kathryn says that she was touched by people’s concern, and that it “hasn’t been that way”. She reveals her history of when she was just out of college and in politics, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. She says she doesn’t want to be on meds at all, but she says (and this is true) that so many people struggle, and that there is a stigma about taking medication.
Cam admits she’s suffered from anxiety, and has been medicated for it.
She may need some… right now
Cam wonders if “all the bullshit” Kathryn’s been through makes her depression situational. I think little column A little column b. FINALLY, Shep, Mr. “hahaha I was tripping in California and ended up in Jail!” admits that he’s been crazy himself at times with the partying. YES. THANK YOU. It always annoyed the ever-living BALLS out of me that everyone yucked up Shep tripping and ending up in JAIL at age 35 years old, or when TRav guffawed like Simple Jack over him practically not making a flight home and choking on a chicken wing he was so bombed. Speak of the liver- We find out the difference between “Browning out” and “Blacking out”, aka Browning out, you remember snapshots; blacking out, you remember nothing. Sigh. Baby steps.
Shockingly, this is his expression during this conversation
We beat the horse some more (which is a euphemism for “Loading Andy’s Spank Bank”) talking about Shep and all the women he bangs, as Andy asks him how many times he gets laid during the week.
Cha CHING $$
Kathryn mutters that she’s jealous. I think it irks her a little bit that he’s such a man-whore. Cam injects that she’s surprised he’s not gotten anyone pregnant. Or that his dick hasn’t turned black, rotted off, and then scurried away of its own volition, leaving blooms of herpes in its wake. Andy isn’t done, because he wants to know if Shep uses a condom or if he pulls out. Jesus Christ.
Cam has had enough. Chelsea is amused
Austen has a skeptical expression when Shep insists he’s “clean”, and Craig jokes that they just jinxed him, and he’ll have four babies and every STD in a week. Hahahaha. We see some of RelationShep and the annoying as fuck Patricia girl he didn’t want, as well as the annoying as fuck boring-ass girl he chose (sorry- I actually didn’t really like anyone on that show, including him).
You were all horribly boring
We then revisit the grilling dinner party. A viewer after MissKitty’s own anti-heart asks “how many privileged idiots does it take to grill ribs?” Shep’s knee is back to normal, and Andy says a lot of viewers were hoping for a “Shep/Kat” relationship. We flashback a mere four years ago, when Kathryn asked him to teach her surfing. What made me laugh more was:
Who the fuck are these randos?
Shep jumps in to say that physically, things were a lot of fun between them and “she was really good” and “The armoire hasn’t shut up”. Ohhhhh SNAPDRAGONS! Kathryn hilariously says “Now that that’s out there”. Hahahaha.
OWN IT GIRL!
Who else wants a LaLa/KDenn Vanderpump/So Charm Crossover!????
The only thing I’m thinking is: Wish I could see TRav’s face when he sees this scene about the WILD GREAT SEX Kathryn had with Shep. And Ashley’s face watching TRav’s face. Is that bad? Sorry/Not sorry
Shep talks about “lengthening his fuse” and being nicer. They all agree that Downtown Charleston is like Bourbon Street. We have to revisit Austen and Shep each calling each other out for being the bigger partier. We can thus segue into- Is Austen a pussy? Austen does point out that he had a huge fight with Shep on Chelsea’s behalf last season. He has a revisionist view of their latest disagreement, according to Shep, but who gives a shit. Austen is still “funemployed”. Austen still has his beer, but he’s in the stages (still) of getting it put into bars. His beer is called “Trop Hop”. Everyone likes it. Compared to “Trepidatious” anything sounds good. I still like OMA- Open.Mouth.Ale. Thank you. I’m here all recap.
Pretty sure the logo sells itself
Next, we ask “Is Austen cheap?” and Austen tries to insist that he wasn’t a massive freeloader. Chelsea says she’s not averse to picking up the check, but his reaction of “cool!” wasn’t good. Andy shares a tweet of Austen’s:
Oo Oo, I have one! “Can’t close his goddamn mouth: Check”
Austen whines that he didn’t know right away what he wants to be when he grows up, and everybody who had to work to take care of themselves without the luxury of their parents bankrolling their grown-ass adult’s pipe dreams stands up and cheers when Chelsea points out how fucking lucky he is to have that financial backing.
Shep is like:
“Just what are you trying to say?”
We break and see Ashley jabbering at the poor hair and makeup intern.
“Maintaining this expression in front of your crazy ass makes my face hurt”
We next talk about Chels- and her main man. TYSON!
Why I love dogs number 3,293,827: They make you smile like this
Tyson is the SHIT.
He’s like “I know”
Chelsea, because of her job, hears all the gossip around town. Including a story that Thomas and Ashley got into a fight and he threw leftovers at her. WOW. Chelsea reiterates that she is an independent woman, strong and AWESOME (okay that last one was MissKitty interjecting). The viewers take her to task about her “flirty” behavior with Austen. Austen agrees that it sent mixed messages. Austen mentions Victoria, and Shep says they three had a lot of fun together. Because Andy hasn’t completely filled his fantasy reservoir, he immediately takes it to mean that Shep, Austen and Victoria had a threesome and asks have they ever?
“There’s a little room left”
Cam is grossed out, asking why they’d want to be around another penis. Back to mixed messages, Chels admits that the big hug at Austen’s beer event was a little flirty. KDenn says they have natural chemistry. They insist they’re just friends, and Austen reveals that he has a girlfriend.
He likes the blondes!
We also reveal that Chels is seeing someone too! MissKitty had to snoop and see if she could find a picture and…
Le PURRRR… Le MEWWWWW- Holy crap
Next, we go backstage as the cast basically gossips about Ashley. And then… Dun DUN DUNNNNNNN She comes onstage.
Naomie’s face was me inside
Andy Cohen gives her intro, concluding that she spent a lot of her free time “poking the mama bear”. Ashley puts on this simpering fake expression and thanks Andy for having her.
Apparently, she also spent time building a time machine, except she dialed it up to age 54
Ashley addresses her weight loss. She blames the pressure of the show and being too nervous to eat and then afterwards, she was too nervous to eat, thinking of all the things she should or shouldn’t have said. Bitch- then you’re in the wrong business. You need to go back to… “nursing” and stop huffing the fame-crumbs off the carpet. You’re done. We hear about how they met, and how Thomas asked her what she did, and when she told him a nurse, they bonded. Ashley says it was nice to have him be interested in her that way, as Craig and Cam titter. KDenn just looks stunned.
“She’s even dumber than I thought”
Ashley loves Thomas. She loves to scare him, by leaving little fake bugs under his pillow or jumping out behind doors. Ashley says she’s seen “a new Thomas” due to the “allegations”- apparently a softer Thomas. Yeah, that’s because he needs you, dingbat. Just wait- once you are no longer useful, he’ll throw you down like a piece of gum. As Ashley waxes on about Thomas being so sweet and kind, Kathryn weighs in.
Hahaha- America’s expression
Ashley and her splotchy chest aren’t leaving.
Do you need some medicine? Good lord.
Kathryn addresses the confession to Craig that she and Thomas hooked up in June, after Thomas and Ashley had met in May. Naomie reacts.
Shep is amused
Ashley admits that she was scared to meet Kathryn. Kathryn throws the most amazing shade when she tells Ashley her first impression was that she was “normal-ish”. Hahahahahahahahaha!
The “ish” is why I love KDenn
Kathryn grudgingly agrees that it would have been better if Thomas hadn’t been such a coward and told Kathryn Ashley existed, particularly before meeting the kids. Ashley dispels the idea that she and Thomas hooked up in Shep’s bathroom. She said she wanted to have a little alone time with him. Ashley says Thomas doesn’t do it anywhere other than a bed anyway, and Kathryn awesomely interjects “That’s not true”
Ashley snips at Naomie about being in the bathroom, and Naomie says a squeaky “Okaaayyyy” which made me LOL.
We return, and we have the “Ashley is desperate to get a ring” retrospective that was nauseating the first go round. Ashley now says “she’s not there yet” about marrying Thomas, as everyone looks skeptical. She says it’s not because of the allegations, it’s because she has a job now and just wants to enjoy dating. Ashley brags that she’s dated men her own age with more money. Then she says her last three boyfriends were a dj, a bartender and a surfer, so…. Okay. She asks isn’t it great to date a man who has made money on his own from hard work and “his accomplishments”?
Shep (and America) try to figure out what the fuck Thomas has accomplished on his own via hard work
Someone asks Ashley what she thinks of Thomas panting after Kathryn all the time right in front of her. Ashley says she doesn’t care.
Shep (and America) are like “Skeletor Please”
Ashley keeps insisting over and over that she’s not insecure, as the wonderful producers play clips of every time Ashley freaked out when Thomas gave Kathryn any attention. Ashley next adjusts her halo saying how it was wonderful of her to invite Kathryn to trick or treat WITH HER OWN GODDAMN CHILDREN. Kathryn points out that it should have been Thomas inviting her. Besides: you, me, and goddamn America all know that she would have twisted the knife and cooed over them and made a complete jackass of herself in front of Kathryn. Ashley mewls in a martyred tone about how God forbid Kathryn not bow down in gratitude.
You know what? Go fuck yourself, Gollum hands. Everyone sees through you.
Ashley whines that she could have stayed home and let Kathryn and Thomas take them. Andy asks Kathryn if she believes her. Kathryn (and America) say “No.”
If you were to look under the dictionary for “Bitch, please”- this is the face you’d see
Ashley excuses her shopping spree and how she had NO IDEA that Thomas was buying the clothes. Naomie reminds her she brought his credit card. Ashley says it was just in case. Craig asks her if she doesn’t see how it looks, and Ashley says that’s why she was going to return the clothes the next day. Except she didn’t.
I’m beginning to understand why this bimiot is a big fan of Donald Trump
Kathryn says she was surprised by Thomas spending all that on Ashley, seeing how frugal he is. Ashley can’t resist saying “maybe to you” and Kathryn says she guesses that means Ashley doesn’t think Kathryn is worthy. Ashley points out that he DID give Kathryn two children.
Cam gives her the look she’d give to something living under her sink
Andy asks about Ashley’s and Patricia’s relationship and how there isn’t one. Ashley first tries to say that Patricia was trying to get her on her side against Kathryn, and then weirdly complains that Kathryn isn’t looking at her. Ashley goes on this rambling word salad about Kathryn on social media as everyone looks around confused. Shep finally breaks it down that Thomas started feuding with Patricia on social media (probably drunk out of his ass) and THAT’S what started it, as Ashley obsessively twirls her hair like a lunatic. I’m telling you- this bitch could be a shoo-in for Trump’s next Press Secretary.
“The thing that I just said the president said wasn’t the thing he said, and I resent the accusations”
Next we revisit Hilton Head. Eh boy. But not before Andy says he’s glad to see that Craig has a physical flaw (his hand). K. So Hilton Head. We see Ashley’s greatest hits of cuntery. The viewers all compliment Kathryn’s restraint. Chelsea said it brought tears to her eyes. Naomie relays how Kathryn was trembling. Cam says she couldn’t believe what she was watching, and interestingly, Ashley is too big a fucking COWARD to look at Cam.
Hey you bullying piece of shit- Look Cam in the eye when she’s speaking. It was important for Kathryn to do that for you, right? OH WAIT. That’s right. You’re a hypocritical thundercunt. Never mind.
Then we see Thomas in a full rage again almost jump the bench at poor terrified Chelsea. It was honestly scary as fuck. Completely unacceptable. The guys all get crap for not standing up. KDenn says that they’re seeing the real Thomas. YEP. Ashley weakly retorts that he says the same about Kathryn. YEAH. OKAY, lying sack of bones. Whatever.
Ashley defends Thomas’s outburst. Chelsea says she’s worried for her. Andy awesomely points out that she seems to have relished his outburst. Of COURSE she did. Because she’s a nasty bully, just like him. She explains her enabler comment, saying the friends need to hold Kathryn accountable, whatever that means. Kathryn points out that she holds HERSELF accountable, and Andy again, points out that she has to take drug tests because of Ashley’s boyfriend. Ashley, because she’s so jealous of Kathryn she can’t see straight with her beady little weasel eyes, starts badgering Kathryn about the drug tests.
It’s always fascinating to see someone with absolutely zero redeeming qualities
Ashley continues, as Kathryn incredulously defends herself. It’s none of her fucking business, as Kathryn finally points out. Then Kathryn says the BEST THING EVER: “You really are so out of touch with the fact that you’re a complete asshole”.
The universe thanks you for speaking such an unassailable, unimpeachable FACT
The cast’s reaction (especially Naomie’s) is priceless, as it is when they replay Ashley’s insane repeating of Chelsea’s name over and over again. As far as the dinner, Ashley insists she’s being genuine and says she can’t defend her actions. She says she should have pulled her aside and had a private conversation. Well… Or not. I think the only thing she regrets is that the whole world saw her awful personality. Kathryn says as much. They pretty much all get on her like ants on a dropped popsicle, that she wasn’t sorry about the CONTENT of what she said and they all tell her she’s brainwashed. Cam calls her sad. Ashley even defends Thomas comparing her to a dog with a chew toy. Even KATHRYN feels sorry for her.
If anyone ever needed to see what “Pathetic” looks like in the dictionary
Ashely yells that they don’t know what happens behind closed doors….
Uh, hello Christmas Future, sitting RIGHT THERE in front of you Ashley
Shep argues that the things that were said in front of the cameras was deplorable, good lord (it made me LOL) as Ashley continues to make excuse after excuse to where Cam is full-on yelling at her. Then she jokingly asks if this is an intervention. She asks them all to trust her judgement. Shep awesomely points out that they haven’t seen great judgement. Kathryn, who has remained pretty quiet, finally says she is watching Ashley go through the same thing she did. Cam begs Ashley to go back to California and have a nice life. Wow. What a difference a year makes. Cam really doesn’t think Thomas is a nice person. Hello? Where the hell have you been?
We next go to the amazing truce between Kathryn and Patricia (Note: MissKitty has learned that KDenn and Patricia watched the reunion together!). Kathryn admits that her fighting with Whitney was probably what made Patricia not like her, besides all the bad-mouthing Thomas did, and reveals that she was out one night at dinner, and was summoned by Patricia herself. Patricia actually apologized to Kathryn for things she said, which is pretty classy, and a long time coming.
Then we revisit the RUMOR. Naomie says she had no problem repeating it (LOVE), and her roommate had heard from friends in Santa Barbara. Ashley naturally thinks it’s disgusting and says shame on you, to Naomie, who being the badass bitch that she is, asked her “why are you looking at me like that?” Interestingly, nowhere in the conversation does Ashley deny it. Austen explains his decision to repeat it, and Kathryn drops that she has heard that Ashley signed an NDA. Note: Supposedly, Ashley has been privy to things Thomas had on his computer, aka sex videos with multiple people and him dressing in drag. Just… what I heard from one of my amazing commenters. Craig wonders if Thomas keeps her around as insurance so she doesn’t testify or spill the beans about him. Ashley sputters that she’d NEVER do that! That she has a conscience!
All I can say is, I’m SO glad they sat Shep next to her.
If you were to look under the dictionary for “Bitch, please”- this is the face you’d see Part II
Andy piles on, saying he’s surprised they’re still together as they replay the scenes of them discussing breaking up. Ashley gibbers some more about how things are different now, and blah blah blah blah blabblahblah before blurting that “you won’t be invited to their wedding!”
The face of a bunny boiler who thinks she just got in a zinger
Finally the Winter Wonderland Ball, and Kathryn’s puzzlement that Ashley said even worse things to her than at Hilton Head. Ashley gives the weak excuse that she “felt attacked” as Kathryn looks her dead in the eye and tells her “Fuck you” again. She then in a completely disarming, AWESOME way tells Ashley she was so hurtful, and that it’s scary that she doesn’t know better. Ashley admits that she was judging Kathryn on her past, and then says she’d “love to make it right with her”.
We all believe you. Oh wait. WE DON’T.
KDenn gets the last word. And it’s AMAZING. She tells Ashley she’s never said anything like that to anyone, she doesn’t want her around her children, and calls her an unkind, hateful, sadistic person. She says she has nothing else to say to her, and she’s done. Ashley says she’d like to try and make amends, and Kathryn says Ashley needs to focus on loving herself more.
Breaking. It. DOWN. YOU ROCK
As they come back from break and the cast ruefully chuckle over the strange confrontation with Ashley, Ashley herself is crying, talking about how they don’t know their relationship, and that despite it all, she’s not throwing in the towel. She says “I’m really happy”.
Yeah…. you look it ::shifty eyes::
We wind up with Andy leading a round of applause for Kathryn, as they toast with Austen’s beer. Shep, as the elder statement now, makes a toast, as does Austen.
And there we have it! The end of Season 5. What did you all think? If you still have any comments, make sure to leave them! MissKitty signing off with a Scotch and a sigh, looking forward to next year.
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