Hello my fellow SC addicts! We’re finally at the Reunion (Part One). I don’t know about you, but this was one of my favorite reunions ever. One, because we didn’t have to see a hungover, baying, TRav quivering with frightening rage at Kathryn, and we don’t have to (at least this episode) hear Whitney’s staccato laughing/enabling of the emotionally abusive “hilarity” from whatever far reaches of the couch they let him sit on this season. In fact, I know we have had many scenes during Bravo reunions of harrowing garment-rending and apologies (cough::Richards sisters, Dysfunction Courtesy Phone; please report to front desk. Bring Vicki and Tamara::), but seeing Cam break down was somehow more authentic, and it really moved me. Of course we couldn’t have a reunion without one of the gents blowing some kind of inappropriate gasket, which we got to watch Craig do over Naomie some more. Also, Fembot is in da HOUSE! Ashley makes a behind-the-scenes appearance. At least I think so, unless it was an animatronic mop someone left backstage. Let’s go!
We open to a new staple on these- the “arrivals”. I know it’s supposed to build anticipation, but to me, it’s kind of a letdown. The only good part (for me) was Cam saying that she was looking forward to seeing “Tyson vs Holyfield” aka KDenn vs Ashley. Which, let’s face it. It’s more like “Tyson vs Dustin Diamond Celebrity Boxing Match”
“Thouthin Chum Reunion: I’ll knock you out firth round, bitch”
Naomie gives me the usual life with her blunt conclusion that if they told her there was alcohol in piss, she’d drink it. Andy tries to ratchet up the drama as the cast sits, saying that they’re waiting for Kathryn’s boobs. We see KDenn with a new set of bazongas. Oh no!! Not my body, but I liked her better with her less zaftig physique. She cracks up when the production assistant is basically at tit level and looks two seconds away from motorboating her.
She reminds me of those hot chicks on Hee Haw. That’s actually a compliment
She good-naturedly admits they grew a little bit unnaturally and the cast mates all laugh. Andy does his usual going around the room. We foreshadow when he asks Naomie about sitting on the opposite sides of the couch this year, and she says it’s fine and they all have moved past it. Craig’s face agrees.
Just kidding. Also, the pocket square was from a ripped up pillow. Which is just about perfect Craig
Andy then talks about the accused rapist elephant in the room; Thomas missing from the reunion taping. He reads a statement that the decision not to appear was “mutual” as the rest of the cast make telling expressions.
Shockingly, he makes this face
He asks the cast their opinion. Cam says it’s the right decision. Shep in a very oblique way admits that Thomas is “90%” of the time funny and eccentric and jovial. But 10% of the time he is not. I’d put that closer to 80/20 against lately, but okay. From Shep, it’s pretty damning. Kathryn diplomatically (and very smartly- her kids will watch this one day) says she will wait until the investigation is concluded before weighing in too much. Naomie agrees. Andy then intones with the seriousness of a Group Therapy leader that Ashley will be joining them. Kathryn breaks the tension by hilariously saying “Yay!” Shep steps on Andy’s drama boner by saying that they won’t shred her and that he’s interested in what she has to say. “Well she didn’t call you a bad mother” Andy reminds him, also reminding him that Bravo advertising dollars count on ratings.
“My Botox doesn’t pay for itself”
Andy brings up the positive social media response to the “Girl Power” of the show. Naomie attributes it to Kathryn, who starts to say that they dated men who lied and…before realizing that Craig is getting upset and demurs. Craig snits that there was no need for “Girl Power” because they all dated really good guys. Um…. Ok
“I expected my girlfriend to live in trash while maintaining my lies, Austen treated Chels like an ATM, and Kathryn dated a gaslighting narcissist who took her kids away for the same exact behavior he did… What’s so wrong with that?!”
Shep, because he’s SORT OF exempt, brings up Craig’s calling Naomie “child” during their fight last season. KDenn says that Girl Power is- basically- knowing your worth and acting accordingly. Yes. THANK YOU. We relive the glorious call out Naomie did to JD at the barbecue. YESSSSS!!! She wanted to make sure Elizabeth was represented too (we’ll see how well that turned out). She is called out for putting up with Craig’s lies, and she owns it. In typical Craig denial of reality, he asks her to name one lie he told. Hahahahahhaha… UMMMMMMMM….. The Bar? Graduating Law School? The Second Career house flipping out of nowhere? The sewing machine? Naomie looks exasperated. Andy asks about Chelsea calling JD a con artist (also AMAZING). Cam spills that it’s “common knowledge” in Charleston that JD doesn’t have the most stellar reputation. Kathryn looks like the lioness that swallowed the warthog.
“Yes. Funny how that sack of sanctimonious shit acted like I was crazy for four years”
Andy then brings up Kathryn dismantling the Good old boy network in one fell swoop as she agrees she is happy her voice finally got heard. As she talks about it, Shep has this expression:
Would love to have a man look at me this way!
Naomie reveals that no deed goes unpunished, and Liz has turned on her. Yep. Very common! The friend who goes to bat over the asshole her friend loves is often the one who gets jettisoned. It’s sad, really. But Liz needs to arrive at her conclusion her own way.
Andy asks if the news this year (e.g., #MeToo etc) influenced them at all. Cam points out that it definitely did with Thomas. Shep said every man in America took stock of their behavior, including him. We flashback to the time he drunkenly tried to kiss Chels. In all honesty- Shep’s contrition was a better reaction than Whitney and Thomas laughing about it. Chels agrees they’re in a good place. Cam says the only guy on that couch she’d want Palmer to date is Austen. Naomie agrees. Andy asks why Austen? And Craig deadpans, “he’s the only one who would date a two-year-old” I have to admit- I laughed my ass off at that. Craig has these tiny moments of total off-the-wall humor sometimes.
We go to Ashley in the dressing room as the stylist asks her about her hair. Ashley admits she flips her hair when she’s “put in the position” of being nervous.
Okay- I hate this twat, but she looks haunted. This smacks of familiar Andy Cohen “We’re going to allow someone to ruin her life in front of everyone for fame!” fodder. Couldn’t happen to a nicer bitch, but she looks actually SICK
Cam’s segment is next, and we see a new picture of Palmer
Okay she’s a cute baby
She admits that she watched YouTube videos of childbirth to prepare herself. Naomie’s face is mine. To a T.
WE. SEE. EACH. UTH-AH.
We find out the “shocking” fact that Jason, her husband, took a decidedly laissez faire approach to birthing classes and coaching in the actual delivery room. He seems like a prick. Sorry. But he does. She’s okay with it, so that’s great, but mmm not a fan. Cam is next taken to task for letting Patricia determine the guest list for her baby shower. We get into an etiquette discussion. MissKitty doesn’t really care. Old school is (she believes) that the host determines the guest list, and new school the honoree gets to pick her guest list. Cam says she disagrees with Kathryn being left out. Kathryn handles it with grace. Naomie relives the embarrassment of Patricia leaving mid-conversation to “answer the doorbell”. Andy asks about the disgusting vagina cake design. Wisely, the bakery doesn’t wish to be identified. Andy brings up how bad he felt that everyone laughed at Craig’s teddy bear carcass he gave her, and Cam says it was ernest and sweet (but also, Craig). Craig says he couldn’t sew in “3D”. As the cast teases Craig affectionately, Austen sums it up that all that matters is that Cam thought it was a sweet gesture. Austen, for all his mouth breathing and douchey tendencies is actually (I think) a nice person at his core.
Cam admits that she had trouble immediately bonding with Palmer, and that she was in shock. She says it’s completely life-changing. Andy asks Kathryn if her experience was like that. Kathryn admits that she cried as soon as she saw Kensie, but then (very kindly) adds that every mother is different. Cam then admits that she quit breastfeeding. She got a lot of criticism, but also a lot of support. Which is good. Because it’s NO ONE ELSE’S GODDAMN BUSINESS. Craig chimes in:
Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but okay
We next go on a Craig introspective, going back in time to pillow making and general disorganized fuckery. Craig explains the butter knife incident, as if we needed an explanation, and shows us his frozen action figure hand.
“Designed to hold the MACHXDM3 laser gun!”
Craig, we learn, is a lawyer now. He is doing 20-30 hours a week at the Pro Bono clinic, AKA “No one will pay me to work on their case”.
“I work at the firm Onlyasalastresort & FuckItIt’sFree”
Craig says (after reiterating that he’s straight) making pillows is his outlet. He then explains his fascinating philosophy about deadlines being arbitrary. Which explains his pro bono work.
“I don’t blame myself that Jose lost his immigration hearing or Fred had to stay in jail for a DWI”
His lack of adhering to normal societal deadlines is brought up as the reason he and Naomie broke up. They argue, and Craig hilariously argues that when you love someone, you love them unconditionally. So lying and living like a hoarder isn’t the problem. The PROBLEM was that she didn’t love those qualities. Okay. Got it. Craig complains that Naomie living her life on Instagram and showing her new boyfriend with HIS cat is sad. Chelsea’s reaction is everything.
I admit it. I laughed my ass off too
Craig spills the tea that Kathryn told him that Naomie told her that she doesn’t feel the same butterflies feeling for the new guy. Naomie flips her shit and says it was about Craig. Craig says her life is a lie and Kathryn says she’s not lying. I believe Kathryn, but on the other hand, it’s ridiculous, and it really means nothing. Craig is next asked about his life coach. Craig squirms and hems and haws and it’s frankly pretty boring. Craig in full delusion says that his flaws are just a way for Naomie to cover up that she got rid of the best thing that had happened to her.
Next, we talk about Naomie’s new nose. Oh FFS. She was pretty before, and she’s pretty now. NEXT. They talk about her tracking his phone. Austen finds that weird; Shep doesn’t care about it. Andy then takes a poll to see who thinks Craig is still in love with Naomie.
Ashley is made up and simpers that she got advice from Thomas and that she can be fiery. She says (in a totally edited soundbite) she “doesn’t get mad [she] gets even”. Eh boy. Whatev.
Next, we get to the MOST important castmember! The one. The only… KDENN! Andy compliments her on her progress (whatever bobblehead- a little LATE to the party, ASSHOLE).
She’s too nice to say it, so I WILL
Andy brings up her disastrous job interview, and she jokes about herself and says it will make us forget Landon. HAHAHAHA!
Kathryn reveals that she now has joint custody (YAY!- said it already, but I’ll say it again). She still has to take random drug tests. Andy asks if she feels any schadenfreude having to do the drug tests given Thomas’s legal issues. She admits a little, especially since his insistence on the drug tests seems to be out of spite. She says she keeps sober for her kids. Andy says it seems like she’s getting along much better with Thomas, why? And she says staying numb to him and trying to be a positive person. Shep looks strangely emotional.
He looks disarmed and touched by her candor
Kathryn says the fact that Thomas is still with Ashley is difficult. We find out that they haven’t spoken since Patricia’s ball. Andy can barely hide his glee. Kathryn admits that having the friendship and support of the people on those couches has really made her feel like that bad chapter is closed. She apologizes, and they all tell her she’s awesome.
Then it starts. Cam takes the floor.
::Runs gets tissues::
Cam starts by saying what I’ve been fucking saying all along. Kathryn was VERY young when she and Thomas started. He was an older manipulator who basically ran her down to the ground, as narcissists do to their women. Making her think SHE was crazy, and turning other grown-ass adults against her when it suited him. Cam says she feels so much empathy for her now, and then she starts sobbingly apologizing. Which, frankly? She should. She was a cunt to Kathryn for a long time. She SHOULD apologize.
Long overdue. But still- giving MAJOR feels
Cam gives her high marks for her poise in the face of the shit storm she’s been through. Kathryn says Thomas is very convincing. YEP. BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING NARCISSIST. They are FAMOUS for being convincing that they are the greatest guys. She says Kathryn will have the last laugh in the end. Kathryn (and MissKitty) is in tears too. Cam admits that being a mother has made her look at this completely differently, and then she lays. down. the. FUCKING. HAMMER. When asked about how Ashley talked to Kathryn about her mothering, Cam proclaims that Ashley is a “horrible human being. Horrible”
Then we see scenes from part two, as the hollow shell of Ashley Jacobs goes on the Thomas Apology Tour. She looks hideous. Like the outside is finally matching the inside. Oh, did I write that out loud? My bad.
So what did you all think? Were you as touched as I was watching Cam apologize? What do you predict for Ashley? Keep the comments coming!!!!
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