We’re nearing the end people! Princesses only has a couple of episodes left and based on the lack of love Bravo is showing it and the lackluster ratings, I fear we may be bidding a permanent adieu in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, thanks for the great comments each week. I love you guys for reading and commenting. I think we have more comments than the girl’s Bravo blogs. Sad for them, fun for us!
This is the week of the event we’ve all been waiting for…Ashlee’s parents are out-of-town. Like any 30-year-old woman, she takes this opportunity to have a sleepover. To her credit, she’s putting out a cheese platter. To her discredit, everything else. As usual, she can’t go ten minutes without speaking to her parents so she’s on the phone with her mom getting cheese advice. Ashlee says that the cheese platter is “disgusting” because it’s mixed. She says that poor people mix things. First of all, I’d love to get her take on Loving v. Virginia and second, what?! Poor people mix things? Like what, long chins and t-rex arms? Oh no, that’s just Hal and Ilene’s magnificent creation. What an ass…Anyway, Chanel arrives.
How many JAPS does it take to open a wine bottle? One may never know as the combined brainpower of Chanel and Ashlee were unable to make it happen. Ashlee says she feels dumb and we all agree wholeheartedly though ours is not a wine-based theory. The upside? We discover why Chanel is painfully single.
They finally poke a hole in the wrapper to get the good stuff out. Incidentally, that’s the only way they’ll get anyone to marry them. Amanda finally shows up and changes into lingerie and heels. Ashlee asks, not to her face of course, if this looks like the Playboy mansion. Gaudy decor: check. Creepy old dude: check. Insecure women 30 and under: check. Actually, it looks way worse than the Playboy mansion so sit and spin on that Ashlee. And what a hater! So what if the girl wants to look good when she goes to bed? It’s better than the onesie and pacifier Hal’s been putting her in for the last 30 years. You know…cuz she looks like she’s four!
Before the girls can start what is supposed to pass for fun, Ashlee bossily questions Amanda about what she said to Joey. Amanda confirms that she said Ashlee had discussed Joey because she wasn’t just going to sit there like a mute when she was being questioned. Ashlee says, not to her face of course, that if Amanda didn’t want to get involved she shouldn’t have said anything. Ashlee should be taking her own advice. If she didn’t want to be caught, she shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. Of course the only lesson she learned from this was that Amanda is more high school than she thought. Yes, Amanda is so high school says the virgin hosting a single gender slumber party. They play “Never Have I Ever” and they’ve all peed themselves, gone skinny dipping but only two admit to having had sex. Ashlee holds out but neither confirms nor denies. One of you said a few weeks ago that a friend used to hook up with her so we just have to assume that she’s being coy. With a chin like that, Ashlee needs subtlety wherever she can find it.
Amanda thinks that if Ashlee is a virgin, it explains her stiffness and thinks she should get laid. On Ashlee’s bravo blog she’s all offended by Amanda’s comments and wonders why she cares so much. It’s called judging not caring. It’s the same thing she does to everyone else but can’t handle. She is such an ass. Oh, and she smiles in her sleep. Probably from the satisfaction of putting on a pointed hat and having kids ask her what it was like to work with the Tin Man and Toto.
Joey is at home making breakfast for her dad. At least she has some semblance of domestic skills. Joey is living at the house with her dad’s second family so it’s awkward for all of them. I don’t understand why Joey doesn’t just get a small business loan or something. Her credit should be good if she’s been at home the last couple of years. Thoughts? I have a thing about being where I’m not wanted. Anyway, she and her dad have another talk and he wants her out after 90 days. In his defense, her latest product update is that she’s testing flavors and doing surveys. There are only so many times she can lick her lips and solicit surveymonkey. Seriously girl; shit or get off my chest. She may be dragging her heels a bit because she has a place to stay rent free so he might be onto something by making her fend for herself again.
Joey: How can I afford rent and start my company dad?
Dad: You’re a smart girl. You’ve got a great set of gams. Freeport has lots of chain link fences you could lean against in thigh high boots. I’m just saying. Get creative!
Erica and Rob are having lunch with her parents. They discuss moving in and Roger will only accept it if they’re engaged. Erica just wants to live with a guy but it sounds like they’re moving in that engagement direction by September. I’d like to say Erica gets the shakes when she hears this but, let’s face it, that girl is a 7.8 on the Richter scale 24/7.
Chanel and Casey get together to write Chanel’s maid of honor speech. Once again, Chanel opens her door like she’s expecting a killer or Jehovah’s Witnesses or Mel Gibson to be on the other side of it. Seriously people! You all got BMWs at 17, invest in a damn peephole! Chanel has henna on her hand. Moroccan Jews do a henna ceremony that’s supposed to bring luck to unmarried girls. It didn’t work on Chanel because right after the ceremony, she took her previously “African-American” self to da club and did this:
Casey, never one to miss an opportunity to acknowledge her greatness, says that she’s the best person for this task because she knows Chanel so well. Chanel starts her speech with “For those of you who don’t know me…” I hate that intro! Every time I hear that I think, you know what, I don’t know you and now I see why. It’s just so…7th grade. Is that an unreasonable pet peeve? A simple, “I’m the bitter, spinster sister of the married one” would suffice. If Casey was so great, she’d edit that out. Unfortunately, she’s too busy flossing her cooch with her too small shorts to give a damn.
After Chanel says that she’s experiencing a whirlwind of emotions, but before she starts the mass murder spree that will leave the entire wedding party dead, Casey adds in that their love shows Chanel what she can have someday. It sounded great until Casey says “that’s super positive.” If this girl can pat her front as good as her back she’ll never need a man.
Amanda and Jeff go on a double date with Ashlee and a 51-year-old Latin Jew named Marcos. Amanda thinks it’s a great match because he’s older, Jewish and has money. That’s something we can all get behind, right? Well, as mentioned before, I read Ashlee’s blog and she was offended by this too. She claims that money and even being Jewish aren’t important to her. Health is. Granted, she said a few episodes ago that she didn’t mind a guy not being Jewish as long as he didn’t have Jesus-y stuff around and participated in a mock crucifixion but she also went to a bar full of dudes and asked every single one if they were Jewish. This episode she pointedly mocked “poor people” and was horrified during her journey to Freeport. I don’t think I’d mind Ashlee if she owned who she is but she’s so phony that it’s unbearable and unattractive. And still, she’s not as unattractive as Marcos.
He’s weird. He’s also a pilot, in his spare time, who started flying the year Ashlee was born. That makes me scared for the friendly skies. The one relieved person is Jeff.
When Marcos leaves the table, Ashlee asks about all of his “amenities”. You know, blood pressure, cholesterol…health is important. Marcos is so charming that he even gave Ashlee flowers….from the wall of the restaurant. This causes a little resentment.
Meanwhile, Chanel tries on her bridesmaid dress. She didn’t get one from Nati because he realized she was an entitled, self-pitying, lazy LI princes and closed up his shop to pursue repeatedly punching himself in the groin for ever having gone out with her. I think that’s what she said. Anyway, the tears start again. Her mother assures her that in the next year she will find a great guy who will appreciate her…God willing. They love a scapegoat. I’m sure the right guy will come along and Chanel will immediately turn him off by refusing to cook, clean, or stop dancing like a spastic Squidward.
So far, Ashlee is enjoying Marcos company because, you know, he’s so healthy. That’s what’s important guys. He takes them to his favorite club and it looks like they’re having the best time until the camera starts to pan and the truth is revealed.
Apparently it’s 50+ night at the club. They try to have a good time but Marcos keeps trying to pick Ashlee up and use her as a propeller on his imaginary ‘copter but she’s not into it. Funny, maybe if he was a subservient Asian man he would have had a shot. Marcos starts humping her, forcibly grabs her purse from her and then starts dancing with every woman in arm’s reach. Ashlee is fed up and leaves. I literally laughed out loud at this entire scene.
Joey and Amanda go to the factory to taste test Kissamint. I think I missed something. All I know is Amanda didn’t seem to like some of the flavors.
Amanda and Joey check out apartments in Joey’s price range so it’s one step above projects and 47 steps below Ashlee’s nose. The first place is tiny and it’s $1250 a month. The second place looked bigger to me for $950 but according to Amanda it looked like a horror movie. I actually helped a friend apartment hunt recently and trust, these places were palaces compared to what I saw the last week. It’s still a major downgrade though. Amanda feels horrible for Joey and tells her to call her dad. Amanda is used to sympathetic, pandering parents. Joey’s dad don’t play that. She calls him and says how horrible the area is so he tells her to get the eff out of there. He asks when she’s coming home and she says that she had to take Amanda because he would never come and blah, blah, blah. He shuts it down telling her he doesn’t need the song and dance. Okay, he’s kind of mean but she was being bratty. I can’t understand why she doesn’t have more of a desire to leave without being coerced.
Finally, the freaking wedding. Ashlee and Casey are the only two invited to the ceremony. The women sit on one side of the church and Ashlee is surprised at all of the exposed shoulders. Casey is surrounded by so much Jewishness that she doesn’t know what to do as evidenced by them crawling over 17 people to get to a decent seat. The ceremony starts and Chanel speed walks down the aisle with the dogged determination of a woman prepared to tackle the groom and choke the rabbi until he manages to say her name in place of her sister’s. Fortunately, our little sniper is reigned in by someone at the front telling her to slow the hell down and think of all the floors she’ll have to scrub in prison. Then again maybe she was speeding due to the African-American woman inside of her. Flo Jew?
Chanel finally gives her speech and no one is paying attention. Not even the bride! Of course Ashlee gets really annoyed and threatens to show everyone her face without any makeup so they simmer down. The speech is fine. Ashlee thinks that Chanel is Streisand, Natalie Portman and The Nanny all rolled into one. Chanel is happy and thinks the rabbi was right. God won’t give you anything you can’t handle i.e. financially supportive parents, BMW, shelter, food, overpriced bridesmaid gown, excuses for failing at life. Whew! It’s tough but somehow she muddles her way through.
Next week, finally! Ashlee has her “help…me” breakdown, Joey tells that b where to shove it and Amanda goes ring shopping! What’d you think? What’d I miss? Are you hating Ashlee? I’m loving Amanda and Erica is okay with me. It’s so funny how things shift during the season because to me, Chanel is only one step ahead of Ashlee on the likability scale. The self-pity is so obnoxious. Will you be sad if this is our only season together for this show? As annoyed as I get, I truly have some huge laughs watching these morons. Tweet Bravo. Save the Jews!