Like all RHONY vacations, this episode has to be seen to be fully appreciated. I humbly present to you this scantily clad recap. It’s finally time for the Mexico trip that almost never was! Bethenny has secured her vag with a tourniquet stronger than her pre-nup and shuffled the women off into a land that may finally build a wall – if only around the women’s villa. The cast struts through the airport like a trail of Hangover stuntwoman rejects.
Spoiler Alert: Doug is in Ramona’s hat box
Bethenny has been vomiting from the stomach flu and Ramona has sharted her pants. This is literally how every apocalypse film begins so the rest of this episode should be of no surprise to anyone. On the plus side, Bethenny is now speaking to Ramona. She says that her face looks like it was put in a French fryer. Ramona had the genius idea to get a chemical peel before a sun soaked trip. Each day, I take back one negative thought I’ve ever had about Mario.
Before the spackle is even dry on Ramona’s face, Roomgate 2017 has begun. While all of the women soak in the luxurious villa that bad behavior has bought, Ramonja are licking the beds in the room they’ve chosen. When the rest of the women suspect that is what they’re up to, Bethenny says that that can not be what they’re doing. After all, they’re adult women, “not animals”. The editors immediately cut to Ramonja saying that they’re peeing on their territory. That’s not animalistic at all. It’s how Sonja’s boyfriends signal that they want a second date.
Ramona is convincing Sonja to fight for their room because she knows she’ll get the rest of her epidermis scratched off if she leads the charge. Bethenny calls off the room hunt launched by one “miserable, disgusting, grabby twat” and says that they’re not doing things that way this year. Everyone has to pull a number from a Mexican bedpan and that is the order in which they choose their rooms. Ramonja suddenly doesn’t understand numbers although they seem to keep good track of incoming/outgoing alimony payments, and they keep asking what they mean. Tinsley gets number one and she gifts it to Bethenny because she’s smarter than her clothes suggest. If things fall through with the Coupon King, she’ll need one millionaire in her corner.
The women tour the rooms and Ramona stirs the pot with Sonja. She says that Tinsley should have given Sonja the nice room and Sonja confronts her.
Sonja: I let you stay in my house!
Tinsley: Mexico has safer tap water than your house!
Ramona tries to convince Carole and Dorinda to give up their room choice because they don’t want to just live in the lap of luxury; they want to dive face first into its crotch. Ramona then plops her nasty, airplane clothes wearing ass onto Dorinda’s bed.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up – out of your bed!”
Dorinda calls in Momma Bethenny who gives them the old school mom talk and says that they would never tolerate their daughters behaving this way. Dorinda tops it off with a threat to throw Ramona’s luggage into the water and that seems to settle things.
“I’ve got dibs on the devil colored bruja’s bags.”
“Let’s face it! If my clothes are in the ocean, my servant will spend more time drying them than waiting on me.”
Bethenny is trying to get better.
Ramona partakes in her favorite pastime – ordering around employees. She calls it making friends. The only thing she’s making friends with is their spit in her food. She tells the staff to unpack her clothing and then requests a bucket of ice, gallons of wine and tea every morning with hot lowfat milk. Her rationale is that she tipped them well so she deserves it. Knowing Ramona, her tip was probably “Don’t eat peas with a knife. Okaaayyy?”
Now that the room situation is basically settled, Dorinda introduces Carole to the balloon game which she says the English play at naked cabin parties. It involves busting a balloon doggy style between two people. I’m surprised Carole’s hip was able to withstand the impact. Also, damn Dorinda! John must be getting banged stem to stern on Freaky Fridays.
The women eventually gather oceanside with Ramonja in their own private huddle. Tinsley watches them and notes all of Sonja’s body language which leads Carole to say that she has Stockholm Syndrome. She probably does. She’s gone from one abusive relationship to another. Between that, the baby talk and bow tie dresses, Tinsley’s therapist should be tarred and lasered a la Ramona.
Dorinda decides to go to bed although Luann tries to convince her to stay awake and give us some of those slurry speeches (slurches?) that we all love. Meanwhile, Ramona tries to convince Sonja that the other women are jealous of their friendship and that they’ll be together forever.
“This is all yours, baby.”
“Ehh, I’m good.”
That night, Tinsley is whining to Carole about a Page Six story on her being an ungrateful houseguest. Bethenny, who is the only one at dinner 90 minutes after the start time, goes upstairs to get them. When they repeat the story she’s all “it’s President’s Weekend…no one cares.” This winter, I’m going to use that line at every opportunity and dare anyone to tell me any different. She tells Tinsley to move this week and be done with it.
“Houses are my favorite impulse buy.”
Meanwhile, Sonja is annoyed that Tinsley is all over Bethenny like white on this cast but she’s okay with Ramona borrowing her nipple covers. Dorinda is too drunk to show up for dinner so she’s sent Luann as her well-lubed proxy. Bethenny thinks Dorinda is securing her room to keep Ramonja out. I think she’s learning how to say “clip, clip, clip!” in Spanish. Ramonja are the last to show up for dinner because they’ve been busy applying their makeup. Bethenny questions the point of this since Ramona looks like a Jeffrey Dahmer victim.
“I was in the same jail as Jeffrey Dahmer!”
Ramona and Sonja finally arrive for dinner and say that they’re going out later to get the lay of the land. If they’re lucky, they might get the lay of the visually impaired. The women toast to the trip and Luann thanks Bethenny. Ramona immediately says that it’s a group trip and Bethenny isn’t in charge. Luann is amazing. Just watch it; words won’t do it justice.
Tinsley jumps in with the Page Six story. Ramona denies selling the story because she avoids the press like a “lee”? even she looks confused after that. Everyone seems to think Sonja is the real source because Ramona only leaks stories about herself. Luann is cross-eyed and slurring and she’s everything I wish I could be. Points to Tinsley for telling Ramona to “shut the f*&^ up!” but I have to take those points away when she starts sobbing and throws a tantrum. I’m talking a full on, holding your breath until you get a Teddy Ruxpin toddler tantrum.
Luann departs to recuperate “in a major way” but doesn’t forget her margarita. They lecture Sonja on her behavior and Ramona leaves in case they try to teach her useful life skills. Bethenny tells Sonja that her friendship and behavior with Ramona is a bad look.
“Like, a worse look than Ramona’s face.”
“Or her high ponytail.”
“Or her empty wine warehouse.”
Outside, Ramona and Luann have a non-conversation conversation about how harmless Sonja is. Luann decides that she needs to get some rest so after treating us to a jazz hands centered solo, she passes out in the bushes. This is a learning moment girls. Luann knows that Ramona is too selfish to help her out so she’s picked up by one of the male employees. Afterwards, Luann eats more pavement when she walks off a three foot drop. Fortunately she didn’t seriously hurt herself. Fortunately, she gets a male escort to her room.
The episode wraps with the women trying to get Sonja and Tinsley to make up. Tinsley momentarily thinks about kissing and making up but then pouts a says no like Sonja is a jar of mashed carrots. Guys, just watch this masterpiece repeatedly. I can’t do it justice.
Next week, everyone is drunk the entire time. Life = Complete. What’d you think? Share your favorite one liners and moments. There were too many to mention! Love you for reading and commenting!
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