Hey Trash Bags!
It’s Thursday, and we all know what that means! SQUEEL! Time for my favorite show on television! Oh yeah, and it’s Throwback Thursday. In honor of this, we are taking it waaaaay back to 1983, when none of these boys were born, and doing a rendition of Billy Joel’s timeless hit, Uptown Girl. Was this show made for me? I’m already hooked…they don’t need to make me dance in my living room to one of my all time faves. But, I digress. The top 14, I think, are back and dressed as mechanics as they belt out the famous song that made us all wonder how in the hell Christie Brinkley and Billy were a couple. Well, I’ll tell ya. He’s a genius and she’s a dumb model. Although, she still looks fantastic at 80, or however old she is.
I BET SHE’S NEVER HAD A BACKSTREET GUY…WAIT A MINUTE
Never missing her moment to hit the stage, Rita Ora joins in the show. Okay, now I do like her…but she’s beginning to annoy me. She was much better before the live shows.
She does a quick wardrobe change into her signature baked potato garb and we are back with some throwback pics of the judges (architects). First up is Nick Carter in some “Indian” costume. His words, not mine. I’d probably say Native American, but what do I know? Then is Emma (Baby Spice) as a little girl, with a GIANT head. I mean, WTF? She looks crazy spice to me.
BIG HEAD TODD
Then we see an adorable picture of Timbaland and randomly see some pics of the band leader? We don’t know him, nor do we care about his baby pictures. Oh yeah, then comes Rita’s. I don’t care about her’s either. Of course, she acts super embarrassed. We all know you gave the producers the pictures…you’re not that great of an actress, sweetheart.
Alright groupies, the remaining boys are put into three bands and will all do throwback songs. First up is Timeless. Who picks these names? So dumb. Anyway, this group is made up of Andrew, Andrew, Chase (my bf), Marcus and Michael. They are all in shock because they are told to meet on stage…and they never rehearse there! I don’t really understand this, because we see them all walk into the dressing room. They are supposed to meet Tim, and at first I’m confused because I think they are referring to Timbaland…he’s the man of a thousand names. So, the boys walk into some dude in a pink wig screeching!! This is DEFINITELY not Timbo.
TIMMY USED TO WORK ON THE DOCKS
Thank God. It’s only Tim Davis, the vocal coach. YIKES. The boys of Timeless will be performing “Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, and I’m pretty stoked, because it’s a great jam.
Of course, they make them dress up in stupid 80’s hairband garb and they all have a laugh, although, I don’t. They do a pretty great job, and I fall back in love with my boyfriend Chase. How old is he again? Don’t call the authorities.
Next up is Next Up. Nope. I’m not kidding. That is the band’s name. This group consists of Mikey (who was almost kicked off last week) Brady, Dorian, and Jaden. They will be performing True Colors by Cyndi Lauper. I have one word for this choice…UGH. Don’t get me wrong, I love Cyndi and her pink hair just as much as the next girl that wants to have fun…but, really? Talk about a snooze fest. So, of course, our choreographers, Napoleaon and Dynamite, or whateves, have them dig deep down to find emotions about this song. This is the moment where I want to She Bop myself in the head with a metal baseball bat. Blah blah blah. The boys tell their sob stories, and our Christian church boy, Jaden tells us how his dad has been in jail basically his whole life. Yes. It’s sad and unfortunate, but I’m watching Boy Band here…not Steely Mags.
Next Up performs and they do a fab job as well. Our boy, Jaden, hits a crazy high note at the end, but that is not the highlight. You guys. If you don’t watch this show at all, go On Demand and watch the judging of this song. I died. Nick Carter has become one of my favorite people of all time, thanks to this show. He is first to judge and he speaks to Jaden about how emotional the song was and how he came from a bad family too. Wait. What? You were in a top selling boy band at what? 14? Well, I guess his brother just got rolled for something else, but whatever. That’s not the point. The best part of this entire show is Nick Carter fake crying. It is one of the funniest things I have ever seen! OMG. It was amazing. Not a tear falls, but they did from my eyes, from crying laughing.
SHOW ME THE MEANING…OF BEING PHONY
Okay, I’m done laughing, for now. Next Up was cute in their little Boys II Men outfits, and we’re on to the next band.
The last band to perform is Maxed. What the hell is this name? I’m thinking they were named after the dog in The Little Mermaid. Who knows? It is Throwback Thurs after all. If only they sang Part of Your World…then I’d REALLY be in love. This group consists of Drew, Cam (who royally f’d up last week, hitting a terrible note to start off the performance) Devin, J Hype and Sergio. They will be singing Lauren Hill’s rendition of Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You, so I’m assuming they’ll be about four hours late to the show, as she is. God, I loved that album, but she is such a B-I- to use a term from Ramona Singer.
CAN’T TAKE MY EYES OFF THOSE OUTFITS
They do a good job, but, it’s kind of a boring song too. I do love Devin, in his plaid from head-to-toe. He’s adorable and probably the best dancer in the competition.
The architects are ready to pick the winning band, and obviously it’s going to be Timeless. Hello! They had the best song. Can we just give these boys upbeat songs from now on? No one wants to hear a boring ballad. So they must pick the worst boy from the two remaining bands. They choose, J Hype, the beat boxer, who can’t really sing, from Maxed. Then, out of the blue, they pick Dorian, the youngest in the competition, from Next Up. I personally thought Dorian did a great job. Anyway, it’s time for America’s vote, which takes place during the commercial break. In a shocking turn of events, Dorian gets sent home. This poor kid looks like he’s gonna die, and Rita rushes him off the stage. Boo! I demand a recount! J Hype can’t even sing! UGH! Oh well. One more down, and one step closer to me buying my tickets to see my boyfriends in concert! Bye Bye Bye my loves!
IT’S TEARING UP MY HEART…