Welcome back you trashy fucks. Previously on Biiiiig Brooothhher, Alex was the lamest HoH of all time and managed to ruin all the good will she’d built with me, Whoresicle and Dom got put on the block, Chucklenuts won the Veto comp and chose not to use the power of Veto, Paul was horrible and annoying, even by Paul standards, and Dom’s been speaking directly to God, who also isn’t a fan of Paul.
“Seriously, why does he move his head so much when he talks? Ugh!!”
Jess is looking much much more human today. Is… Is Cody a vampire? Was he feeding on her youth/vitality? What the hell is happening here?
I think her hair is even growing back
Paul is still pretending to be a snake, because no one is sick of that yet. Dom is trying to throw down with Elena because like… God told her Elena was a bitch? Or something? I’m having a really hard time following Dom’s current level of psychosis. Was this year’s real Big Brother behind the scenes secret theme Let’s Hide Necessary Meds?
Jesus is my copilot AND my Seroquel
You know what? Let’s relax with a nice super chill game of pool in the backyard. Loser has to drink a glass of pickle juice with hot sauce. Josh double-taps while sinking the 8-ball and a fight breaks out between him and Meathead Mark about if that counts as a scratch or not. The entire backyard agrees with Mark, but that just causes Josh to double-down on his mantrum, so Mark flings the pickle juice with hot sauce right in his fucking face
This is the best moment of my life
Please… Someone… Anyone in the comments… Make me a gif of that moment.
Josh comes back out and throws ketchup and mayo on Mark
Meathead Mark thinks it’s funny, but Josh is still crying, which then devolves into cry-screaming. Who’s ready for Battle Weeping Giants 2017?
Mark tries to apologize, but Josh is not anywhere near through with his adolescent screeching. The whole house gathers to eat popcorn and listen to Josh’s meltdown, where he tries to blow up Mark’s game, but mostly just drips snot everywhere while mumble crying. Josh screams about how he’s never lied to anyone or backstabbed them and Whoresicle jumps in to remind him that he lied to her and Boxing Day. This is like watching a bunch of toddlers get jacked up on crystal meth.
Bring us back popcorn!
It’s almost eviction time, but first we’ve gotta hop in the Den of Temptation. This week’s chosen HG is Whoresicle, and she’s earned the power to halt an entire eviction before the votes are cast. She can use it any of the next four weeks, but only once. A curse is also unleashed on the entire house, but they don’t tell us what It is so fuck them.
Dammit! Learning to read is for uggos.
Will Jess use the Halt? Will Dom do terrible slam poetry? Does God really want his name dragged into this?
No. Yes. No.
Yeah, I’m here and I wanna be here and I’m really pretty and you should keep me because boobs.
God! He spoke! You vote! I hope! It’s not for me. (It probably will be).
And by a unanimous vote of 10-0, Dom is outta here! Say hey to Jesus for me! Or actually, ya know… We’re not on the best terms. Maybe just don’t mention my name to him.
He’s still upset about the lesbian thing
There’s this super weird moment between the eviction and the interview where we hear the HG’s telling Josh how gross it is that his hair is everywhere. Can someone with the live feeds tell me what the fuck that’s all about? I’m intrigued.
Dom tells Julie that Paul wanted to be friends outside the game, but that she’d have to pray on it. Julie is dressed like the cool kids in my 8th grade class.
That was 1996, y’all
If she had it to do over Dom would STFU this time. Well she may get that chance tomorrow because it’s the Battle Back, and FUCKBALLS that’s an extra episode. Fuck you Big Brother. I have fucking PLANS this weekend. Ya jerks. I’m already all dolled up.
Group interview with all the Evictees
I just want to play!
Who am I even? Why am I on TV?
I love Jess and I really need her lifeblood… I mean love. I need her love.
I love Jesus! And my meds. But they won’t give me my meds so I’m going all-in on Jesus.
Tomorrow! 3 Battles! 1 Return! A Looming Hex! A pissed of Miki that has to call it an early night to write an extra recap. Join me again tomorrow, kids.