Heeeeeeyyyyy… How are you guys? Are you as ready as I am to tuck this show into deep hypersleep in an underground cave?
We open where we left off, Thomas having yet another head-exploding meltdown over Kathryn calling him out on something. While he goes apeshit shaky-voiced and finger jutting, Kathryn (who has finally started wising up to his bullshit and frankly, looks bored) says she’s going to go ahead and let him calm down. Hahaha. GOOD. That made me lol. She made him look like a total crazypants.
“I’m going to calmly close my eyes until you stop all this silliness”
A viewer wants to know about Kathryn’s stank attitude at her and Jenn’s lunch, and we go back to Kathryn looking over it while Jenn talks about her son. It really doesn’t put her in a good light, but no one can argue that the bitch is fake. Jenn negates that she was being manipulative in any way, and they both say how each has been hurt. Craig asks Kathryn about pushing people away and if she discussed it in rehab. Kathryn says yes. She says she doesn’t want to cry anymore. She and Jenn say there is hope for their friendship. Whatevs. Who cares, because Whitney has unfolded himself from his crouch inside his crypt and has come out now.
“Hi I’shed to’b relevant omy n show” Translation: “Hi; I used to be relevant on my own show”
Love the side eye from the other castmates haha. Even funnier: Andy has him on and then ignores him. Whitney must have pissed someone off this season.
Thomas is asked about his parenting, and he (devoid of any irony) talks about how he has been egocentric for 50 years and that you can’t be selfish and be a parent.
Yet, somehow… you manage
While Thomas drones on about how his “compound” isn’t sufficient and how he wants a house in a more child-friendly environment, Kathryn is quietly squirming and wincing while Craig comforts her.
Why I love Craig #23,589
Now- is all this ultimately Kathryn’s fault? Sure. But I defy anyone to say that she is a bad mom or that her kids don’t adore her. While Thomas blathers on, Andy asks Kathryn if this is hard to hear. It obviously is, you ghoul. I respect her when she refuses to put out emotional fodder for the viewing public. A normal functioning human being can tell that it’s painful. A viewer criticizes Thomas for acting like father of the year when the kids live in the back house and are raised by nannies. Word. Not that it’s a bad environment- they seem very happy- but when Thomas says he sleeps in the house, Kathryn is quick to refute it. I believe her. Thomas says he takes them to school. She disagrees.
Whitney defends Thomas, saying that the main house is basically a death-trap.
“Plus who wants those things touching all the furniture?”
Andy asks Thomas why it’s hard to find eligible women in Charleston. He says they’re all too young, or all the good ones move away, or they’re too old. Landon smiles ruefully at that, and Whitney, sensing that Thomas is about to commit a faux pas, urges him to stop.
“Shhh! Nescht you’ll t’l’bout usch” Translation: “Shhh! Next you’ll tell about us”
Thomas causes the whole couch to erupt in laughter as he basically wants a woman between 35 and 39. Andy points out that he’s in his 50s. Next he quizzes Thomas about losing his mojo. Thomas stands up and asks if it looks like he’s losing his mojo over a horrified Andy.
“Thomas- Ew! Don’t you know MY age range is 20-35??”
Landon is asked if getting shit for dating younger is a double standard, and Thomas answers “Absolutely”. Cam agrees while Landon laughs. I have to agree with the ladies on this one. MissKitty has been a frequent dater of younger men and recommends it. Next Landon is asked about her soft-launch of Roam (is it just me, or does that feel like it was in fucking December that this all happened?) and how Shep criticized her for her statement about hanging out with billionaires. Landon defends herself. Hearing the whole story, mark this down in history, because I’m on her side. She explains the story, and it does sound like the guys on the boat were acting like a couple of assholes.
I’m actually with you on this one
Her business partner says she wasn’t acting too nice, but maybe it has something to do with how she was treated first? Austen is asked about Landon’s luggage comment and whether it came off as pretentious.
“Yes. As do I.”
Austen agrees that it does, as did Landon’s Vail vs Aspen discussion that Austen fully participated in, by the way.
Landon admits that she sounds pretentious at times. Kathryn eye-rolls like WGAF.
Next, Thomas is asked about him courting Landon as the next Mrs. Ravenel. Showing his usual disappearance into a time warp, where he seems to forget that his utterances are RECORDED, Thomas poo-poohs the marriage talk and says she was more someone to have fun with. Kathryn looks annoyed and tense. As Thomas lamely tries to revise history and claim he DIDN’T say anything like that, he glances over at Kathryn nervously. I swear he’s still in love with her.
“Ah sid it win I wess drunk. I say things win I’m drunk ah don’t mean. I’m net drunk punt zero zero zero five percent of the time, so…”
Andy brings up the bombed attention whore who interrupted their dinner with the soulmate conversation. Production was asked if it was a setup, and Landon brings up how mortified her son looks. Mortified AND used to it, if you ask me.
“Mama, AGAIN? I came up from the basement for THIS?”
Andy brings up the weekend getaway that Thomas took Landon on before Kathryn conceived Saint. OH. NOW it makes sense. Thomas flew off the handle yet again and took Landon as a fuck you to Kathryn. Then he was contrite and wooed her back and they fucked. Just a hunch. Andy asks Kathryn why she thinks something happened. Kathryn says that she has not seen Thomas where he’s been alone with a woman for several days and not tried to sleep with her. Whitney confirms it as much with his expression.
Whitney gets a dopamine surge, thinking about Thomas getting some ass
Kathryn doesn’t think they like each other anyway, and seems pretty over it. Not totally, but I believe her more this reunion that she’s starting to get that Thomas’s game is horseshit. Thomas and Landon both swear nothing happened still. Next, Landon is asked about her cunty pronouncements in Key West about Kathryn and her kids. Landon actually apologizes for that. Kathryn accepts. Andy rehashes bizarro dinner, where Landon hugged Kathryn and apologized. Kathryn said both seemed disingenuous then but more authentic now. Landon agrees. Andy looks disappointed and panic-stricken. Or maybe he just remembered that he has to order more pot from his dealer.
“What the fuck do I do now, if these bitches like each other? Wait. I’m out of Blue Hawaiian.”
Andy asks Kathryn if she stands by her theory that Thomas used Landon to hurt her. Kathryn very matter-of-factly says she feels that Thomas didn’t mind hurting her, and that he seemed to get enjoyment out of her how it wound her up. She is BREAKING it DOWN this reunion! Thomas looks momentarily embarrassed. I think she scored a direct hit on that saggy old battleship, if you ask me.
Hahaha. Andy next asks about when Landon defended Kathryn to Thomas. Thomas gets mad all over again, even though he gives lip service to perhaps not retaliating in the first place. Andy asks about the Pride and Prejudice quote. Thomas points out that they get together in the end anyway, and excuse me a moment…
Le Circle… Le MEWWWWWW PRRrrrrRRRRrrrRRR
WHEW…. Okay. Recovered. Anyway, Andy asks Thomas if he sees himself as Mr. Darcy. Thomas scoffs. Cam says he’s more like Rhett Butler. I’m sure Kathryn perks up there, since she has compared herself to Scarlett. Thomas admits that he is thin-skinned. Andy asks Landon why it was a turning point for her, and she says it’s because she saw it as a warning. Kathryn’s face is priceless.
I know she knows he’s no good. I also think she still loves him. Kathryn admits that she found Landon genuine in that moment for going out on a whim (eh boy). Landon admits next that she and Thomas are friends. She and he went to a wedding in California. Kathryn looks upset. Whitney breaks the tension by doing a tried and true vulgar hand gesture, asking if they fucked, since he has to know at all times for his spank bank if Thomas got it in at any one moment.
Thank you Whitney. Your screen time at the reunion may have been as useless as a human appendix, but at least you have fulfilled your quota of being completely hideous
Next Andy brings out Chelsea, who as he points out is no stranger to reality TV. She is asked if Survivor is harder than Southern Charm, and she says that she wasn’t waking up in bed on Survivor.
“It was easier to eat worms than wake up next to Austen… Wait… What?”
We find out that Chelsea has known Shep longer than anyone there, almost ten years. Chelsea says that Shep is a party boy and if anything, has gotten worse. Whitney then ticks another box on his loathsome card by laughing uproariously at this for some unknown reason.
Seriously. What is so fucking funny about Shep porking any hole in South Carolina?
Someone asks Cam about her chemistry with Shep and she says he’s like a brother to her, and that she farts in front of him. Hahahaha. Shep relays a story of dating Chelsea’s roommate for a brief time and didn’t know Chelsea that well and when Chelsea came down the stairs he was like “Jesus Christ! I got the wrong roommate” It made me laugh out loud. Shep is a funny motherfucker. He just is. Andy points out that he’s sure the roommate would love to hear that. Chelsea says she likes sober Shep, and that Cam saw lunch date Shep and grabbing a coffee Shep. Shep tries to say that he didn’t have an opportunity to show Chelsea that Shep. Andy asks “Because of Austen?” and Chelsea shuts the front fucking door by saying “You had ten years”.
Girlfriend’s got a point!
Austen is asked about his hemming and hawing over telling Shep, and he explains that he wasn’t really sure how to answer that, given that they weren’t really going out yet. Cam is asked about why she kept pushing Shep. She lies at first that she didn’t know about Austen. Everyone scoffs at that. She relents. Cam is teflon. She never gets too much shit from anyone.
“Whitney brings out my freak side that I have never let out… Yeah. I shouldn’t have had sex with him”
Cast: “Moving on”
Chelsea says she “picked” Austen over Shep, because he pursued her and it felt more genuine. Chelsea is asked if she’s being held to a double standard. Kathryn inserts, yes, pointing out that they pursued Chelsea. She brings up being pilloried during Season 1 for sleeping with several guys. I found that gross too. Then we rehash “grab-gate”. Shep doesn’t defend his actions, but he does mitigate them by pointing out that both Chelsea and Austen downplayed their relationship and that Austen and Landon seemed to have more chemistry. Landon is asked about her flirty behavior in Key West. She defends it as just her personality.
The “bitch please” look every woman in America has in her head right now
Landon defends herself as it being just her personality, and I LOVE Kathryn and Chelsea taking the piss out of that simper act she does. Chelsea mimics her draping herself all over Austen. YES! Finally!!!
Bitch Please, cont.
We next go over the boys’ night out fight between Shep and Austen. Shep says he was ganged up on, and Whitney continues to portray grab-gate as no big deal. Whitney confronts criticism of it as “That’s just Shep”. Kathryn (THANK YOU), says that the only person who has a say in how it made her feel should be Chelsea. Chelsea says that it did smack of entitlement. Whitney continues to excuse it, until Chelsea looks him dead in the face and asks if it’s okay to disrespect a woman, just because it’s Shep.
GET HIM! PS- Love Austen’s expression here. “She doesn’t need my help”
Chelsea goes on to say that while Shep didn’t drag her out by her hair, he also was perhaps used to girls succumbing to the technique and that he got a bit aggressive. She says “drunk Shep is a little different.”
Do NOT mess with this girl. Period.
Shep agrees that Austen is a very good friend. And then newsflash! Austen and Chelsea are not together.
His parents are probably really sad
They both hint that maybe there’s a chance for reconciliation.
Whitney leaves after being asked a single Jenna-like question. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Hahahaha.
Andy wants to talk about Shep being drunk at the airport, and choking on a chicken wing. Thomas brays like an ass about it, while Cam looks mortified.
“YEW were so draink! Yew almos DIED! HaHaHaHaHa!!”
We see Shep stumbling around bringing Cam breakfast and then sneezing all over her. Austen says he was surprised Shep got through airport security. Shep says to keep his mouth shut. It sounds like he’s telling Austen to keep his mouth shut, but Shep says that’s how he got through security. Andy asks Shep about his comment to Cam about being really unhappy and not feeling things for anyone. Craig stands by his claim that Shep is searching for a purpose. Craig says Shep has said he wishes he had a wife and kids, and Shep (wisely) says that people in those situations are unhappy too sometimes, that there’s no perfect purpose. I agree with him. Craig asks why it’s okay for Shep to say that about his life but he offers Craig unsolicited advice. Shep says it’s because there are never any valleys in Craig’s world; only peaks (paraphrasing). Shep says Craig is delusional, and he himself is introspective. I agree.
Andy asks about their hostility. Shep laughs and says that he’ll never admit he’s wrong and neither will Craig.
“But the horse, it’s a skeleton, but I think it’s still moving, don’t you?”
Shep and Craig have fundamental differences in their style of dealing with life. Period. Full stop. We still watch them bicker.
Kathryn’s expression is giving me life
They both accuse the other of being a drunk asshole. Andy throws up his hands and says they’re both drunk assholes. Kathryn points out that it sounds like her and Thomas. Thomas laughs at that and makes a circular motion with his finger, as in they go around and around. I think both are just relieved that they aren’t the ones disrupting the whole reunion this time.
Andy switches gears to talk about Thomas inviting Kathryn to Saint’s birthday party. He brings up THE LETTER, saying that he could tell it was genuine, that it was in her handwriting. Again:
I am loving her amusement at his ridiculousness
Andy brings up that there is a fire, an intensity when Thomas looks at her. Kathryn spills that they’re both Leos.
Eh boy. MissKitty is a Leo. She once seriously dated a fellow Leo. When it was good it was like nothing else. And when it was bad it was like nothing else, except maybe being fisted by a club made of Army Ants.
Two Leos are shall we say… a bit volatile. Eh boy. We relive the hug at Thomas’s that led to the kiss. Andy asks if there’s any chance of the two of them getting back together. Kathryn complains that she knew this was going to be asked. Thomas grins like freaking Simple Jack.
“You muh-muh-muh-make me happyyy”
Thomas lets slip that he saw Kathryn out and asked himself “who is that beautiful woman?” and when he realized it was Kathryn, he turned around and walked out. Kathryn wryly says “thank you”. I’m telling you– the more mature she gets and the more self-assured, the more Thomas is going to fall for her. Mark my words. Austen agrees, saying “That’s love.” I don’t know if it’s love so much as obsession, but with Thomas, that’s probably as close as you’re going to get.
Andy wraps up with the cast. Craig hopes law school is a success as well as his relationship with Naomie. Austen is single and giving out VD like party favors around Charleston (THERE’S the douche we all knew and… knew), Landon is working for her dad, Cam will continue to be mom to everyone (she looks thrilled), Thomas’s daddy issues are brought up once again with the quote from his dad about him being worried about Thomas the most. Thomas laughs and says if his dad can read the paper from cover to cover and not find Thomas in it, it’s a good day. Kathryn is asked what advice she’d give Season one Kathryn. She says “Awww” and then says she would have told her not to believe everything she heard.
And “use a condom!”
Last but not least, Shep is asked about his season and we find out he’s in a new spin off, RelationShep, which OH GOOD LORD. Didn’t they try this already? I think they did…
And it was a MASSIVE HIT ::crickets::
“Senator Ravenel” gives the final toast (Shep asks if it’s Gentry). We are then subjected to a promo for Shep’s new show, which looks like it will be like The Bachelor except hopefully with slightly smarter people.
So that’s the season… What did you guys think? Any surprises? Will you watch Shep’s spinoff? Thanks again for joining me on this epic journey. See you next season!
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