Can’t unsee this
Has everyone recovered from last week? Thank you so much for giving MisRed such a nice warm welcome back to TTTv. I love writing here, although, I only come out of hibernation for the OC Slags.
- Heather is gone.
- Shannon is unhappy with her present density. She had quinoa and put 9 in a bowl.
- Kelly is still a nasty, dumb shrew.
- Tammy Sue’s husband remains firmly in the closet.
- Lydia thinks she’s some kind of glitter-covered Kissinger.
- Jesus has taken the wheel.
- Oh. And Vicki is still gross and thinks everyone is bullying her.
Does that cover it?
Haha. I forgot about Meghan. Meghan has achieved a new level of boringness by spawning.
Oh good. This snake oil salesman is back.
We start with National Treasure, Shannon Beador. Archie is helping Shannon Feng shui the house by being underfoot. Elaine, the Feng Shui, expert shows up and doesn’t seem to recognize Archie as a dog. She’s like “What’s this?” It’s a dog, Elaine. Grab a glove and get in the game.
Elaine, apparently a shill for Home Goods, tells Shannon that she doesn’t want to use a lot of stuff from the old house- because it has bad energy. Bitch- grab yo sage stick and earn yo money, honey. Shannon explains that Elaine has been their Feng Shui expert for years. And Shannon’s marriage has been shitty for how long…. Years? Is MisRed the only one connecting the dots?
Elaine asks how things are going with David? Shannon says that they are stressed because Vicki was making allegations about David. Yellowlabowner reminded MisRed threre is a police report, so this is technically NOT an allegation. Sorry, I block most of this stuff out between seasons.
The sh*tter has to go somewhere.
Elaine says that there is a toilet in Shannon’s relationship corner. Yeah, well.
Vicki’s assistant, Linda, apparently is as hot of a mess as Vicki. They are talking about Vicki’s office moving and Linda doesn’t want anyone touching her stuff. But I don’t think Vicki was trying to touch Linda’s stuff…I think Vicki was trying to get Linda to pack up Vicki’s office and Linda was not biting. In fairness Linda’s hair style is probably giving her more work than she can handle.
It’s not a hairdo… it’s a hairdon’t
Do we think this is an accident or did she plan this look? If planned, she needs an eye transplant.
Somebody please bitch-slap MisRed- but I like Vicki’s shirt.
Vicki was complaining that she has so much to do with the new office. It’s like moving house except times 100,000,000. Exaggerate much? She has to pick out fabrics, phone systems, moving files, stationary, the post office, etc. She has to do it all. What Vicki needs a good gay. Linda and Vicki argue about the space and how they aren’t using Shannon’s Feng Shui wench again because Feng Shui is all nonsense. Linda agrees because they had to keep buying LEMONS to keep in the bowl. It’s hard for Linda.
Let’s look at that rug from a different angle…
Back with Shannon- Elaine is horrified that Shannon doesn’t have her nine lemons in a bowl. Shannon asks if the ceiling fan is ok? Apparently Shannon has never seen Trading Spaces.
I’m not a fan.
Elaine says the ceiling fan is a “psychic blender.” Oh good, I’ll have my psychic blended with some spinach, ginger and apple, please. Throw some Titos and vanilla ice cream in there too, it’s going to be a long episode!
Elaine goes on, telling Shanon- the sink is female and the stove is male. If they are opposite, it’s a BIG problem… seriously, this chick is in collusion with Jeff Lewis and the OC Remodelers association.
Checking in with Meghan and that baby is crying. Wait the kid in the same outfit as last episode, the one where Jim fat-shamed her. Nothing like a crying baby who… has gas and is throwing up and farting.
Meghan says “Gosh, motherhood.” Shep has apparently entered Meghan’s body.
They are heading to the OC. Jim suggests they tie the dog to the bumper. Can MisRed have a show of hands for those who would rather see Jim tied to the bumper? Meghan is worried about being friends with both Kelly and with Shannon and Tamra and she bitches about the whole situation. She goes on and on and on and Jim is like “Where should we have dinner?”
Portrait of a boring marriage
Checking in with Lydia and her husband, Doug, they are doing a photo shoot with a photographer names Chris. They are working on a new magazine called Nobleman. They sold their last magazine and Nobleman is all theirs.
Looks like a page-turner
Nobleman shows men how to be men. Then what is Home Depot for?
They are waiting on someone named Diko to show up. He does so.
I love the guys in the background. They are the REAL NOBELMAN!
Lydia’s husband warns that Diko’s wife has had some kind of surgery so she can’t be hugged. Like mastectomy or something Doug says. Diko’s wife is Piggy, I mean Peggy, the “new” housewife.
Frankly, she looks a little refurbished, if you know what MisRed is saying.
Diko who, I assume, at some point in this season will evolve to “Dicko” in MisRed’s mind, owns some kind of luxury sports car company or maybe it’s just a company that makes the wheels?
Net/Net, he takes perfectly good luxury sports cars and makes them fugly.
Diko will be featured in Nobleman. They stare lifelessly at the camera.
They look almost life-like
Piggy and Lydia talk and Lydia asks Piggy about her surgery. Piggy had a preventative mastectomy. Lydia says this is a “big story.”
Lydia is flattered that she feels safe enough to tell Lydia. Lydia should feel flattered. I’m sure it’s nothing linked to Piggy being on the show and being contractually obligated to create drama and sympathy for herself.
WOW. MIsRed is feeling particularly heartless this morning. She didn’t sleep well.
It’s pouring rain and Tamra is wearing sunglasses.
Tamra arrives at Rancho Los Lomas with Ryan, Sarah and the grandkid.
I love a subtle background pimping
It’s the grandkid’s birthday and they are planning on having it at a beer garden. Seems appropriate.
It took these 3 geniuses to come up with the Beer Garden Theme for a 2 year old.
They have animals at the Beer Garden. They have birds and zebra and a tiger. Nothing tigers like more than a 2-year-old as amuse bouche. Ryan and Sarah are still having issues, but Tamra has vowed to stay out of it.
Tamra asks Sarah about the guest list. Apparently Sarah has invited Briana and Tamra is unhappy about it.
It seems that Tamra- who still loves Briana, btw, has defriended Briana on all social media. MisRed maintains Facebook is the root of all evil. But it’s not because Briana did anything wrong, Tamra just doesn’t want to see Vicki’s face pop up on her feed. But Tamra didn’t give Briana any type of explanation about it or reason… so this should be super-comfortable for everyone.
BTW, MisRed was blocked this year on the Facebook by a good friend, because my college football team beat her child’s college football team. MisRed didn’t even talk smack or anything. My point is- people are f*cking crazy and social media only makes it worse. Let’s get back to writing letters… it was easier. “Dear Miss Bennett…”
Sarah advises Tamra to keep her distance from Briana. Well yes, look at Sarah’s relationship with Tamra’s nare-do-well off-spring, definitely take advice from that hot, steaming, pile of dysfunction.
It’s rotting and swarming with flies… like my SOUL
Checking in with Kelly and Psycho Mike (in his first appearance of the season, I believe), they are getting ready to go work out. Kelly is picking at Michael because they have fruit flies in their orange bowl. They should call Elaine, she will Feng shui the sh*t out of those fruit flies. Michael says it’s because they are ORGANIC. CALL MisRed crazy, but me thinks they buy too much fruit at one time.
Kelly and Michael almost get in an accident on the way to wherever they are working out. Better ruck next time, Universe.
They are going, not to Cunt Fitness, but to “Innovative” something, I wasn’t paying attention. But it’s another EMPTY gym.
This is what happened to Baby Jane
Kelly works out in a full face of make up and Chanel earrings. I cant with this one.
Back at Shannons, she is looking for something and is like David, David, David… he’s outside picking up Dog Poop. Sophie is going to the Winter Formal. Shannon is thankful they all went to Cotillion. She hopes Sophie will look her date in the eye, engage in meaningful conversation with him and that she has packed some white glove. Bahahah.
Here lies Shannon’s crostini…
Shannon is making food. Well, technically, she’s burning food.
Stella, the street thug, tells Shannon not to CRY and to just be cool. But Shannon is feeling nostalgic and worried that her issues with Davis have impacted her kids. Shannon then eats some bread because she feels stressed.
Ok, if MisRed ate something every time she feels stressed she would be the size of a house. David, while cutting more bread for Shannon to burn, is like “don’t eat the bread, sweetie.”
David praying he will slip and hit his jugular
Which Shannon interprets as an attack. Yeah, what’s the lifespan on this marriage? Are we in single digits yet?
David. David? David? Did you let the cat attack Sophie’s dress? David?
Sophie comes out all ready for her formal. David is worried about the length of the dress. Of course he is, Sophie hoo-hah is practically hanging out.
MisRed is worried about the fact that actual money was paid for that make-up job.
I managed a snapshot of the make-up artist…
But Shannon says she was trying to be a cool mom. You know who else was trying to be a cool mom? Tamra’s Mom- hence she sent to 11th grade homecoming wearing a gown from the Liz Lange Collection at Target! JUST BE THEIR MOM, SHANNON.
Shannon’s kids all comment separately that they do not think Shannon is a cool mom. The kids go outside to take pictures and the boys and the girls stay separate on the lawn.
Come on kids, I put on these pleather leggings, the least you can do is mingle
So Shannon embarrasses them until the walk toward each other.
One kid’s parents had enough sense to not sign the release.
Archie jumps up and tries to eat Sophie’s corsage. Damn Dog.
Shannon tries to get in the limo with the kids and they instruct the driver to run over her.
Furnishes courtesy of the Teresa Guidice Bankruptcy Collection
Ohhhh we at Peggy’s house and she’s real fancy, like. Like Teresa Guidice Fancy… you know, without the prison record. They are having people over for lunch and they are running late in preparing the food. English is not her first language, Piggy explains, she is Armenian. Don’t worry Piggy, none of these women are breaking records on the old IQ test, I’m sure you’ll keep up fine- just stay away from Kelly, you don’t want to regress. Diko, her husband, is 50 and they have been married for 20 years. Diko is from Beirut and immigrated to the US and made a lot of money, stealing cars and painting them to resemble the black and white cookie.
Look to the cookie, Elaine. Look to the cookie.
Their spread does look nice. Except Dicko (oh see, that didn’t take long) has been manhandling all of the crab claws.
Put those crabs back in Vicki’s pant where you found them.
They have a son named Coco, who isn’t there. But they did show a nice picture of him.
Piggy says that when people look at her they, of course, think she is beautiful. But she had some breast cancer, and given her family history, she decided to have a double mastectomy.
So Diko gives her $155,000 worth of jewelry in front of their company as a reward.
Speaking of their company, what exactly is happening here?
Vicki and Steve the crooked cop show up at Briana’s house, it’s unclear why. Except it appears Troy tries to kick Steve in the nuts. Vicki asks where Briana is going and Briana says, with hesitation, they are going to Tamra’s granddaughter’s party. Briana doesn’t want people to give her hassle about Vicki. Vicki tells her, if they do give her issues, to just leave. “That’s what we do.”
- Way to maturely resolve differences by “just leaving.”
- Briana- do not take relationship advice from Vicki
- YOU ARE STILL HERE… WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU TO LEAVE FOR YEARS VICKI.
Vicki thinks that people should “respect” her. Bahahaha.
Over at the toddler beer garden, everyone is rolling up. This party does look super cute.
Tamra, carefully, managing her finances, I see.
I’m sure this two year old will remember this $15,000 party.
Lydia shows up with her kids and her pot-head Mom. Briana comes in and Eddie immediately comes up and hugs her, as does Sarah. Briana says she hears that Tamra is here, they are avoiding each other.
What are these stuffed with? Gravel or broken plates from a Greek Restaurant?
Lydia’s mother is fairy dusting Tamra’s tits, which, frankly could take all day.
Briana leaves like 15 seconds later. She says that out of respect for her Mom, she’s not talkng to Tamra right now. As soon as Tamra blocked Briana, Briana stopped talking to Tamra. Genius. And Briana is considered the voice of reason. That’s funny.
The Beadors show up and Stella goes in the corner to shake down some kids for their swag bags. David, David, David makes a bee-line for Eddie. Hmmm, is something going on between them?
What do two gay guys do when they are stuck in a closet? Organize it and put labels on everything! MisRed just made that up…. Probably because my gay just came over and cleaned up our guest room and made me put everything in plastic bins and label them with my up-until-now-unused-label maker.
Commence Judgy Eyes in 3…2…1…
Lydia meets Shannon, and says that Tamra has said nice things about Shannon. Shannon says that Tamra is one of her best friends ever. Lydia says she knew Tamra way back when she was friends with Vicki and that she and Vicki had dinner together last week.
Shannon gets all paranoid asking if Vicki was talking about her. Lydia says yes. Shannon says that she shouldn’t believe anything Vicki says. Well that’s true on ANY topic, not just the Shannon topic. Shannon thinks Vicki is obsessed with her.
Lydia’s Mom meets Shannon but Shannon doesn’t want to be fairy dusted. Lydia’s mom says that Shannon has such a great light in her eyes. Haha, Judy is smoking the good sh*t today. She says their energy is so in tune and then Judy throws confetti on Shannon. F*cking Lydia’s Mom is, like single-handedly responsible for 85% of this countries’ pollution problem with this confetti and fairy dust.
They all sing happy birthday- off tune- of course. Tamra wishes that her daughter were here.
Let’s talk some more about Vicki
Tamra and Lydia make plans for Thursday. Tamra and Shannon tell Lydia that their problems with Vicki are their problems and she shouldn’t be involved. Then they go into the whole story about how Vicki is spreading lies about them. Lydia tells them they are acting like Vicki. They are both stunned. Shannon is like- I’m offended by that comment. Shannon tells Lydia that Vicki lied about Cancer and gets all up in Lydia’s grill.
But Tamra’s face…
She then blames Vicki for her weight gain. Lydia says to the camera “this chick just took crazy pills.” Shannon is like “I am not like Vicki!!!” Tamara wishes Shannon would just chill out sometimes.
Lydia’s husband shows up and Lydia is thankful he is saving her from Shannon “the evil witch.” Tamra promptly goes to the bathroom to escape.
Lydia asks her mom what the heck is going on with Shannon. Lydia says that Shannon yelled at her. Lydia’s mom calls Shannon “a lost soul. “
Lydia goes to leave. Tamra say that she loves Lydia dearly but that Shannon is upset… in the background Shannon says “I think I’ll have a nacho.”
It’s nacho fault.
Then Shannon confronts Lydia when Lydia says Shannon was screaming at her. Shannon goes on and on and finally Lydia says “Can I talk?” Shannon says that Lydia set her off by saying she was like Vicki.
Shannon keeps repeating that she is not like Viki. But then she demands a casserole. Weird. Lydia says that she and Shannon aren’t going to get along because Shannon is attacking her for no reason. Shannon runs off, yelling I’m done, I’m done, yanking up her leggings.
Next week Kelly tells Shannon she needs some hormones. Hahahaha. Oh dear.
You need hormones. I should know. I used to be a dude.
And Shannon shoots a pixilated bird. (The bird wouldn’t sign the release, so, you know)
This episode is distinctly less Jesus-y which MisRed, for one, is ok with it.
This picture makes me want to punch them both in the throat.
What did you guys think of Piggy and Dicko? Shannon is back to the old Shannon! I love it.
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