Welcome back to a slow-paced world of ceviche, knives, sliders, and marriages that last 3 months! I hope you have all missed this show as much as I have. It has been so long since MJ’s inappropriately-attired body has darkened our television doorsteps.
No less than 30 seconds into the this-season-on section, we are treated to monkey peen. Happy Shahs is Back, everyone!
Cut a lot of girls, cut a lot of boys.
The preview segment is full of talk of babies and MJ attacking everyone.
We open at:
The last one was sadly overrun by dead freezer dogs and rats that eat slider wrappers.
MJ and Tommy are unpacking their new joint apartment and, in the most healthy way possible, slamming pictures of Vida and complimenting ancient pictures of MJ.
20 years of disfunction ago.
When you unpack, always start with the security blanket box first.
MJ is looking trimmer than she has in the past. Tommy is just as crass and into MJ as he was last year. It’s almost sweet. Almost. Then he mentions that Vida had hoes all over town during her divorce from MJ’s dad and it’s just crass.
MJ announces that their storyline this year will be remodeling! Also: living next door to the physical manifestation of her emotional issues: Vida!
Don’t worry, bro, she still hates you.
Mike has also moved and into the tackiest bachelor pad in LA:
Mike’s life is totally changing. “We don’t have a wife at home anymore.” BARF. He thought he would be married forever, but it lasted until the end of the ceremony because by the reception he had already stuck it in something that was not his wife.
Mike had Reza decorate his home. AHHHHHHH. The décor suddenly makes sense. Reza should only ever decorate insane asylum rooms meant for breaking people down.
Divorce is not aging Mike well. He looks 55.
See this now sonny, this is not the tracksuit of a young man.
Mike claims he’s totally fine post divorce and calls his mom 37 times a day to prove it.
Next up, we have Reza and Asa with an announcement:
Asa is Pregnant!! With a Jackson baby!
This year, Jermaine consents to a picture of his back on tv. Progress.
What I missed most about this show this the amount of food they cram into themselves in a completely unabashed way. To celebrate the miracle baby, Reza orders two of everything on the happy hour menu. The waiter thinks for a second that they are kidding, then remembers the extra delivery truck that arrived in anticipation of these marathon eaters.
Reza had no idea Asa was pregnant because the girl is always eating and always wears a caftan. Reza is now worried that his free-ball-porn loving husband will now want a baby too.
Back at MJ’s, Vida descends from her tower to yell at the kids.
WTF, clean up your house.
Tommy immediately starts screaming. Vida screams back. MJ reminds her mother that she is totally still able to have children and will have them with Tommy. This seems like a really healthy choice, guys. Speaking of health, MJ’s father tragically had a stroke, but hopefully will make a full recovery.
MJ wants to have babies and for her parents to get back together, just like in the Brady Bunch. Holy cripes, woman, what do you think that show was about??
GG is back and she has a new friend who is not new to those of us who watched Newlyweds: The First Year.
Tara: The woman married to a man who treated her like an bad daughter who needed a spanking.
GG and Tara are at a yoga class. GG hasn’t talked to anyone in 6 months and would like us to think that this was her choice. It just happened to coincide with her clawing Adam’s neck and her going to a rehab facility.
GG is now very healthy. She still smokes and drinks, but not as much.
Surprise: This is Screaming Yoga.
The yoga instructor reads her producer cue card and asks everyone to write down the name of a bitch they want to burn on on a card so that they can burn the card and be set free. I’m not sure if GG should be allowed near fire.
Asa is up next to take her mother to her ultrasound appointment. Asa doesn’t want to be vaccinated because she is Asa and wants to deliver a baby while fighting both the flu and whooping cough. The doctor is not having any of her shit as Asa informs us that Jermaine is a raw vegan and they might want to raise the baby that way. This is not realistic with the way Asa eats and I can’t wait to watch her break a table in half trying not to eat what’s on it. Asa has already mentioned Jermaine 10 times more than she mentioned him in 5 seasons of this show and it’s almost enough to make me think we might see a picture of at least his side.
Meanwhile: a lesson in marital compromise:
Reza is basically a saint. His middle name is sacrifice.
Adam, in the most awkward tame gay moment, spins a conversation about tennis into “I WANT A KID.” Reza calls this a “hint.”
Shervin is back!
Sherv is having himself a bro-B-Q because ladies are gross. He is still dating the white-haired girl from last year who is definitely neither a beard nor a get-off-my-back-mawm girlfriend.
Minimal effort when Bravo is not paying for the party.
In the fine Bravo tradition of announcing parties when you are at someone else’s party, Mike announces his house-warming party. Reza jumps in and accuses Mike of being too straight and too Persian to plan his own party and demands to plan it himself, lest it look like the party they are both currently at.
Rexa then slips in that he cannot be in the same room as GG because he must protect himself from her rumor/proof about him being in sex tape during his marriage to Adam.
It’s already that special, special time of this season:
Personal area grooming on camera!
This time MJ lures Reza to the butt salon under the guise of going kitchen remodeling shopping.
How we missed these dummies.
The waxing lady announces her plan to put wax on Reza’s “winker.” She also misses and gets some on his chicken nuggets. Chilling.
Is there a German word for taking pleasure out of watching Reza be in pain?
The cameras in this scene are so far up their asses, a proctologist would blush. I will give MJ and Reza this: I don’t think I will ever be that close to a friend.
Mike is getting ready for his party and because Jessica left, he had to hire a lady to boss him around.
Mike’s party planner.
Reza and Adam are braced for an MJ freak out at the party because she is bound to react badly Asa’s joyous pregnancy and will have a fit of jealousy.
Mike proves he’s over his break up by having woman at his party, in lingerie, with lamp shades on their heads.
The next Mrs. Mike. (I hate him)
He even knows he is being gross or a producer told him is because he says he could give a flying feminist fuck about whether it’s appropriate to “personify” women like that and cover their faces. Oh Mike, you stupid, stupid dummy. The OBJECTIFICATION of women is bad. And I think a better way of proving you are over your marriage is by not gaining 30 lbs and implying that women you hire must cover their faces to be in the same room as you.
The party begins and we are treated to one of MJ’s more horrific outfits. It is a jump suit that is more cutouts than not and full of places for… bits… to topple out of.
Dress for your actual size, woman, I beg of you.
The moment arrives and MJ is already pre-pissed at Asa because Asa has being keeping her distance from MJ.
Editors: doing the work of gods.
HELP ME OPRAH ONLY YOU CAN SAVE US
MJ has to jump back into her jumpsuit and narrowly avoids concussing herself with her own tit.
Meanwhile: Mike is a bitch who is SO HAPPY for his friend GG who no longer looks (his voice raises to shout here) LIKE A DRUG ADDICT. Classy, bro, a little louder for the people in the back. That said, I would argue that GG is not no longer on something so much as she is on a more mellow something.
Weed and In-N-Out is better than therapy
Asa cuts into the conversation with what I assumed was a positive statement about the health of GG. Alas, though, she decides this is a perfect time to announce her pregnancy.
Get the pregnant lady out of the room
No one reacts very much. MJ pretends not to be seething and asks normal questions like “Where were you when you found out?” “Why hasn’t he married you?” “Will he let the baby see a doctor?” “Can I have it?” I almost feel bad for her because she has publicly wanted a baby for so long.
MJ demands to have booze thrown down her throat and complains about constantly crying. Mike tells her to pipe the f down and listen because a man is talking. He doles out the solid advice to live for herself and then helps her wipes away her tears.
Trust me, I know how to clean up tears.
Before we know it, MJ is trashed and Adam and Reza have to take her home. This sounds like Reza’s worst dream because there will be nothing but tears in that car about babies.
Reza frames this season as a season about forks in the road and people getting too old to make babies and maybe getting really drunk instead. It sounds incredible and I cannot wait! I hope to see you guys back here every week and I can’t wait to see what substance-fueled craziness this season has to offer us!
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