Hey BETCHES!!!! MisRed is back for, yet, another year of punishment. Is everyone ready to contract another year of The Vicki’s?
MisRed re-watched last year’s reunion to try to refresh the old memory. And when she turned it on, she realized she COMPLETELY forgot Lydia had been on the show or even existed. LOL. I guess we don’t need to review stuff about MEK or Jim and his Mom Jeans, or anything about Piggy and Dicko other than “no ball in house Koko.” But let’s review a few things, just to keep them fresh, last season was the Season of Fat Shannon, and how can we forget Vicki in Iceland being rushed to the hospital because she mixed booze and Xanax and Nyquil? Also, Vicki carrying around her medical records for Influenza B. MisRed forgot about that- but CLASSIC VICKI.
Also CLASSIC Vicki
Shannon and Kelly made up, and it seemed the door was open for a Vicki, Tamra, Shannon reconciliation.
Andy Cohen really must have something on these three. And Vicki must have something BIG on him- which is why MisRed is still forced to watch this obnoxious harpie year after year.
So since last year, David. David!! David!? and Shannon have announced their divorce, as have Kelly and Michael – and they didn’t even have a vow renewal. Vicki has gotten her 13th new face. Briana and Ryan have moved to North Carolina and Ryan hates Vicki more than ever, if you care to check out his Insta. I said we weren’t going to talk about MEK, but she gave birth to two new child support recipients a few months back. Eddie has a fairly serious heart condition. Oh- not current cast members, but Jim and Alexis Bellino are also divorcing, so fully expect to see Alexis back on the show next season to Jesus Jugg it up with Tamra the Quasi-Christian.
Oh the drama…
The show opens in very dramatic fashion with flashes of each “lady” with dramatic dialogue and placards saying, “In the OC…the line between love and hate…between loyalty and betrayal…completely disappears.” DUNT- DUNT-DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Coming up this season: We see a montage of them falling- Tamra (I think) running, naked (I think) into a glass door, Shannon falling on nothing- probably David’s judgement or some stress that Vicki left in the middle of the floor. Oh shit, MisRed may have seen Lynn Curtain in a scene… yikes. Is it a premiere party for one of her daughter’s new porn movies? Shannon goes on a blind date. Imagine being a dude and Shannon Beador shows up for your date? Would your balls INSTANTLY shrink to the size of raisins? Vicki goes on a double date with Kelly’s ex-husband and Kelly gets pisssssssed.
There are two new Housewives- Emily (who MisRed referred to as Becky throughout her notes), who tells us that she’s not the typical housewife- which means she is.
“I’m not your typical housewife.”
Except I am. Times 10.
But she has a job, so Vicki will need to find another reason to immediately detest her on sight. And Gina who acts lighthearted, and tells us she’s “like everybody’s circus act,” but surely will be a pain in the ass. She’s already announced her divorce.
Gina. Which MisRed will be pronouncing G-EYE-NA
It would appear that Shannon and Tamra have a falling-out.
So that brings us up to date. Tamra and Eddie are moving into a new house, which Tamra now says is haunted. And Eddie laments that they will never have sex in their old house again. True. With each other either.
We are keeping the sham marriage, just getting a new house.
Tamra wants a house that is theirs. The current house is Eddie’s, and he lived there with his ex. They decide to have a housewarming party. Yes, absolutely, let’s plan that before the house is finished. Good plan. Eddie is fine with a housewarming, except he doesn’t want Vicki there. Tamra asks if he would reconsider it if Vicki apologized. What if Vicki lit herself on fire? Asking for a friend.
Tamra says that she and Vicki are working on repairing their friendship. She believes that Vicki is 100% sorry for the things she did and said, but it will take time. LOL. Tamra is so cute thinking Vicki is sorry for anything. The only thing Vicki is ever sorry about, is getting caught.
Eddie announces that a trainer called in sick to CUNT Fitness so he has to go “teach a class.” Which you know is code for “I need to get the f*ck away from Tamra.” Tamra asks him to take it easy as he was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation and is going in for surgery, like two days later. Tamra worries that Eddie is not taking this situation seriously enough, but he is concerned with the mortality rate. Not sure if he means the mortality rate from the surgery or the illness.
Ok, MisRed did some reading. Well, she read one things. She learned this- AFib increases your chance of stroke by about 4 to 5 times. Doesn’t seem like people really DIE from AFib, it just causes other sh*t. Don’t quote MisRed on this – she looked at one article and frankly, she only skimmed it because she doesn’t actually care. Although it is worth it to note, she cares more about Eddie than MOST of the House Husbands.
She would say that Ken Todd is probably at the top of the list, taking over the Top Spot, previously occupied by Bobby Zarin. MisRed’s bottom of the barrel is probably PK. Well… it’s a big barrel.
OOOOOOOH hey, MisRed went to see Boy George the other night- don’t worry, it was a free ticket (with valet, thankyouverymuch), and he was GREAT. He’s now my BFF and follows me on Twitter!! Which will be short-lived until MisRed’s first recap of Bev Hills- or quite possibly THIS recap.
Ok, now you got me thinking of ranking the husbands. FOCUS MISRED, FOCUS.
Are you sure you are named on his life insurance, Tamra?
Tamra “cries” about Eddie and his heart stuff and hugs her Mom. Who looks great, btw. Tamra’s mom says that Eddie probably isn’t treating this seriously enough and Tamra agrees. Seems somewhat genuine. Tamra must have taken some acting classes over the break.
The interlude is a bunch of birds squawking annoyingly, so it must be time for a Vicki scene.
Bahaha. MisRed was right. Vicki says to Steve The Crooked Cop “Guess whose birthday it is today?!??” Steve TCC is like- I don’t know. And she is like “My DAADDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!”
MY MAHHHMMMMMMMMM! I mean, MY DAHHHHHDDDDDDD!
Why would Steve know that? Vicki’s Dad is dead and has been since 1997. Vicki was still on her first face in 1997. You know Vicki is one of those people that goes onto Facebook and wishes their dad a “Happy Birthday in Heaven.” Which is just an attention-seeking post IMO as I’m pretty sure Jesus hasn’t brought Facebook to heaven. He stopped doing that shit with Farmville.
Vicki queries when Steve is going to FORMALLY move in? Steve says that he doesn’t really know how he can be any MORE formally moved in. Vicki responds “Well, we just love each other so much and we really should share our joy with the world, so everyone can partake in our happiness.”
Wait. You thought MisRed was serious? Bahahaha
Vicki’s real response was, of course, all about Vicki. “You know, address change and telling everyone you live with Vicki Gunvalson ‘cause Vicki Gunvalson doesn’t wanna live by herself.”
Because he’s already done the other 999.9999999% Vicki
Vicki interviews that Steve TCC moved in two months earlier but still hasn’t done a change of address yet. She says that he lives there but he still has his address in Anaheim “but why can’t you do that 1% for me?”
Oh Vicki. Y’all know that Vicki is NEVER happy. Steve TCC could cut off his both of his arms for Vicki and she would still yell at him for bleeding on the floor and for ruining her knife. “Why can’t you just got buy me a new knife? Why can’t you just do that one little thing for me? And don’t leave a mess on my floor.” And Steve would be driving to Sur La Table with his feet to get Vicki a new knife.
BTW Vicki’s interview looks like someone dumped a bottle of water on her head. Or like it’s a wig.
What kind of bet did Steve TCC lose? Must have been a big one. Although Vicki does seem to have money, so maybe he just turns down his hearing aids and nods and smiles a lot.
Vicki and Steve TCC talk about how she spoke to Shannon and how she is really struggling with her divorce from David. Steve TCC is like “Why is she struggling?” Ok, we now know that Steve TCC is an idiot. Vicki says it’s because David.David!David? has already moved on and is porking some young chick, and that hurts Shannon.
Vicki says, “Should’ve listened to me with David, but she didn’t.”
MisRed has one word for you, Vicki: BROOKS.
F*ck you, Vicki. And here’s why: EVERYBODY told you what a slimy, disgusting, hillbilly, hood rat Brooks was, but you REFUSED to listen. It took you getting caught colluding with him in a CANCER SCAM for you to actually do something about the fact that you had aligned yourself with a bottom-feeding scum bag- choosing him OVER YOUR OWN DAUGHTER- and end the relationship.
LOL. Then, speak of the Devil and it shall appear, Vicki says that ex (Brooks) is getting married that next weekend.
Wow. You can’t even see the guy holding the gun to her head. Nice crop job.
But Vicki feels sorry for his girl he’s marrying. Oh Vicki, if Brooks’s scam hadn’t been uncovered, you would still be following him around licking his ass like a pathetic desperate fool.
We are treated to a flashback of Vicki and Brooks from 2013 where Vicki is calling Brooks “the bomb dot com,” ugh and says “I think you are sexier than sh*t.”
Hmmm, let MisRed think… is Brooks sexier than a pile of fecal matter? Hmmmmmmmm.
Nope. Nope. Fecal Matter for the win. Consider yourself lucky I didn’t post a side by side.
Vicki says she wants Steve to propose because she wants to be married again- that’s how God designed her. She can’t help it. Of course she can’t. And God designed Vicki. Well maybe THIS Vicki:
Vicki, 1890 AD
The one we have now? Hmmm, we will need to see the medical records to see who to hold responsible for the current version of Vicki.
Vicki says she is no good alone and she wants her love tank filled. Ew. She goes on to say that she’s so happy to be back on the road to friendship with Tamra and Shannon. Vicki KNOWS Tamra missed her and it was really up to Vicki to make their friendship right again.
LOL. Yes Vicki, you are such a diplomat.
Vicki claims that she’s just going to shut her mouth when she has opinions on Tamra and Shannon. Yeah, right. Sure.
Back with Tamra and Eddie, we get a moving montage. Tamra’s house isn’t done, they are moving in while the house is still under construction, but it will be the best place for Eddie to rest and recover. Oh sure. Nothing more relaxing than hammering and sawing and paint fumes.
Tamra’s taste in decor is probably what is making Eddie sick.
Shannon calls…and Tamra complains about her house not being done.
Shannon’s tiny shed
We then move over to Shannon’s house. She is yelling at Stella because the screen on her iPhone is broken – and it’s the second time in two weeks. Shannon says that she isn’t buying Stella a new screen. Stella is like “Dad will do it.” Shannon is upset that she is now only in a 4,000 square foot house, having previously occupied a 14,000 square foot house. Poor Shannon, it’s hard for her. <eye roll>. Shannon worries about her future with David.David!David? as a co-parent. They only communicate via text and email and the exchanges are not pleasant.
That is so surprising. David was always such a sweetheart. Lol. Best 180lbs Shannon ever lost.
Kelly also has a new house and we see her coming home with Jolie.
Kelly has, once again, forgotten to put on pants. She asks Jolie if she liked her lunch? Then says, “I made you Pocky.” Like Pocky Pocky?
Where on the food pyramid does this fall?
A) How is she “making” Pocky? B) Who considers Pocky to be lunch?
Kelly is happy with her new divorced life, she is happy to not be fighting with Michael anymore. Then we see Jolie doing her homework and Kelly being completely clueless in trying to help her.
Hell has frozen over.
Vicki meets Shannon at an empty furniture showroom, or so it would appear. They chat about age and weight. Shannon thinks that Vicki has remorse for the way she treated Shannon and about her (Shannon’s) divorce. Shannon is hopeful that they can get to a good place together. Apparently, a social media post came out that week showing David with his new girlfriend.
Shannon is upset that she is so “easily replaced.”
Has Shannon met Shannon?
Listen, MisRed LOVES her some Shannon and considers her to be a NATIONAL TREASURE but come on! Shannon, dating all of the Kardashians at once, plus Kris, plus Caitlyn- rolled up and stuffed inside Naomi Campbell’s vag, would be less work than being married to you.
Shannon said that she doesn’t really even care who the girl is. “She’s one of 3,000 young girls that want some guy to take care of her,” she says. ONLY 3,000? Where did that statistic come from? Seems low to MisRed.
David and the new Shannon
Shannon says she is ready to move on. It is SO hard to believe her though, you know? Vicki says she cares for Shannon and wants to be there for Shannon.
It’s Eddie’s surgery day and they leave the house early to get Eddie to the hospital. Eddie says he is “a Spartan” and he is strong. Well when the doctors make you jump over fire to get out of the operating room, you’ll be prepared. Tamara worries about him- exercise is such a huge part of Eddie’s life and when you take something that it so important away- it changes the person. Tamra is worried because they don’t know if the surgery is going to work. Spoiler alert- it doesn’t. We will see this scene repeated.
Is MisRed on glue or is Ryan not quite as repulsive as last season?
After the surgery Tamra meets her son, Ryan, for coffee. Ryan doesn’t look nearly as gross as he usually does. He shaved his beard, so he looks less like a caveman, and he’s wearing a hat, which helps. Hmmm. Maybe he lost weight too? Not sure but whatever he did it’s an improvement. Eddie’s surgery uncovered more issues with his heart and Tamra is upset, understandably. Vicki calls and Tamra tells her about the situation with Eddie. Vicki offers to bring her a juice.
WTF Vicki?!? CASSEROLE. A Casserole is what you offer and NOTHING LESS.
Kelly and Jolie meet Vicki for dinner. Jolie is probably the designated driver. Vicki thinks Kelly is doing great since her divorce. Again, it was like cutting off an ugly, psychotic tumor. Jolie seems happy, which is good. Vicki immediately brings up David.David!David? dating a 34-year-old. Kelly says she HOPES Michael finds a girlfriend. Well yeah, I mean, he is a Psycho, she probably would like to sleep with both eyes closed.
Vicki says that Shannon felt betrayed and she loved David.David!David? and wanted to make it work. Kelly is like “Why doesn’t she just go find somebody?”
Gee? You think Kelly has every truly cared for someone if she doesn’t understand how Shannon feels?
Vicki says she is going to set Shannon up on a blind date with one of Steve’s cop friends. Has this cop friend not faced enough danger in his career?? You are going to set him up with Shannon?
Kelly says she isn’t dating because nobody likes her. Jolie is like- that’s not true and that Kelly is always telling her about guys that like her but imitates Kelly with a totally whiney voice. It’s pretty funny.
The girls discuss how they need to re-bond with Shannon and Tamra, Kelly thinks they need to go on a ropes course. Great idea! Or. OR… why not just throw lit Molotov cocktails at one another? Vicki would like hers slightly dirty with some blue-cheese stuffed olives.
Kelly thinks it’s important for them to build trust with each other.
Hell. More Tamra. Tamra meets one of the new housewives, Emily, to go for a walk. Several years earlier, Emily helped Tamra plan Ava’s baby shower, but then something happened and it pissed-off Tamra. We learn that the “something” was that Emily invited Ricky to a party and Tamra wasn’t having it. Emily started hanging out with people she met at the baby shower and it was people that Tamra was trying to distance herself from – like Ricky and Wretchen.
The Vile Ricky
Now Emily is on the show, so this should be interesting. Tamra tells her that it was never really about Emily. Emily felt in the middle of everything and just didn’t want to be around Tamra. They go for their walk. Emily has brought her camel toe with her.
Tamra wants Emily’s help to plan a house-warming party.
Next, we go to Emily’s house, where she is pretending to be a mom who cooks for her kids.
Mom Alert: Boiling water
She has a little girl, Annabelle age 5, who she refers to as “a feral child” and we see her playing outside.
OH MY GOD! NO!!! A kid who plays outside and doesn’t have their eyeballs GLUED to a screen. Oh, the humanity!!!
Hair inspired by Jersey Shore
She also has twin boys named Killer and Luke who are 3. They act like they should probably should have been put on ADHD meds upon birth. Like Briana’s kid x 2. Or like Briana’s kids. Duh, MisRed there are TWO of them.
Emily is from Ohio and grew up very poor and she decided she needed to pull herself up by her bootstraps.
Her house is chaos, her kids are running wild. She is married to a small, unattractive, balding guy named Shane… who might be a friend of Dorothy.
Emily is married to an aging turtle
Emily explains that she and Shane were friends and then one day he asked her to marry him over Google chat and she thought “Well I don’t have anything better to do…” so they got married.
This genius passed the bar exam.
Hepburn and Tracy? Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman? Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd? What do they know about love? Google Chat is the only way and only get married if you have “nothing else to do.”
As I said… her house is chaos and the kids don’t listen.
Creating superiority complexes since birth
They walk around for 10 minutes yelling for Killer- who NEVER ANSWERS- and they find him on the couch.
Not impressed with this closet.
Here I am, dummies!
MisRed is annoyed already. Don’t parents understand? Kids need to be threatened. They need to live in fear that they could be snuffed out at any moment- that’s they only way they will obey.
David never pooped in such an organized pattern.
Over at Shannon’s she picks up Archie’s poop and waits for Tamra to come over.
Archie Beador, OCD Pooper
Tamra asks if she thinks she will get money from her divorce and be able to buy a house?
MisRed feels it’s a little unclear where the money comes from in the Beador household? I always thought that Shannon had family money- but I did some digging and it’s still not particularly clear. David is paying Shannon spousal support of $18k / month, plus $12k/month in child support. David represented himself in court, which I’m sure was entertaining. He claims his support payments will bankrupt him. So who knows?
Shannon says her marriage is over and she can deal with it, Tamra thinks it’s time for Shannon to move on- and part of that is taking off her wedding ring. Tamra tells Shannon that David had been communicating with his girlfriend when he and Shannon were still married.
The girlfriend disputes this claim on the old soc media.
Shannon is reluctant to take off the ring, she says, it’s not because of David but it represents her family being a whole unit. She’s thinks the ring shows that her family is intact and is whole. But they aren’t. Plus, you can hock the ring and buy dinner.
Which has more calories, a green salad with no dressing or a Nachos Grande with extra cheese and sour cream?
They struggle to get the ring off.
Finally, Tamra just cuts Shannon’s finger off. Yay! Shannon is free.
MisRed would like for Shannon to cut off that long hair. Maybe go back to her original look- long blunt cut. If she isn’t going to curl her hair daily like Tamra does, she shouldn’t have it long like that. It’s drags her down. It’s like Ramona with that long hair, except Shannon doesn’t live south of the highway.
Read between these lines, David. David! David?
Shannon says she feels naked, but the ring is gone. What Shannon needs to do it GET naked and have some fun with some rando and get her MOJO back.
Kelly and Vicki meet up with Tamra and Shannon for the ropes course. Shannon arrives all dressed up, Shannon loves a costume.
She came to slay this ropes course.
They laugh at her. Kelly has told Shannon that she is not dating. But it has come out that Kelly is dating but she says she hasn’t had sex except with the Milk Man.
Uh… what’s the difficulty rating on this course?
They arrive at the course and it looks like something that’s beyond these gals. They all talk about how they don’t trust easily and that they are rebuilding trust within their group.
Vicki says she was RAISED to trust, but it’s hard. Tamra and Shannon give each other such a look!!! Like… we are going to kill Andy Cohen!!
While Vicki is getting in her harness she topples over and blames the ropes course guy, saying he pushed her. Then we get a montage of Vicki falling, which is a nice walk down memory lane.
Vicki never his her head hard enough.
The dude explains the course and it does not look particularly easy.
Shannon and Tamra start the course and manage to climb up the cargo net to the first “obstacle.” Shannon is super nervous and doesn’t like heights- she is, like, panicking, which is a shock to exactly no one.
MisRed would be acting the exact same way.
Kelly cheers her on from the ground which is nice- telling her that her girls would be so proud of her and she’s been through harder stuff than this.
Vicki and Kelly start the course. Something happens, Shannon steps on a rope and it somehow gets Vicki’s finger caught and Vicky cries like a little baby.
What does Vicki need 10 fingers for?!?!
WHERE IS MY CASSEROLE??????
They struggle with the course, but finally arrive at the end. The have to go down a zip line to get back down to the ground. Kelly tells Tamra to just “push me off!” How is that trust building? It’s Shannon’s turn and she doesn’t know how she’s going to do it.
She, rationally, things she’s going to die and tells Tamra to tell her kids she loves them. Tamra is like- ok and I’ll tell David to go f*ck off!!
Kelly yells “JUST PUSH HER OFF!!” Again, how does that build trust? But Shannon did it and feels strong.
Then Vicki goes and slams into a tree and dies.
Just kidding. Sorry to disappoint you.
Vicki and Tamra say that they are starting fresh! Bahahah. We will see.
The episode ends with Vicki saying that she is just going to keep her mouth shut from now on. Oh yeah. Right.
Next week, Vicki may apologize to Eddie. We meet Gina, the new housewife and Kelly and Vicki appear to get in a fight.
Ok, off to a slow start if you ask MisRed. PLEASE this cannot be another boring-ass season! MisRed will NOT stand for it. Ok, I need to go have my BFF Boy George braid my hair, while I brainwash him to throw Dorit off the roof. Xoxoxox As always, MisRed loves to hear your comments!!
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