RHONY Recap: There’s something about finally ending this show so we can get on with watching other Bravo shows!
Hi, you fabulous Trashtalkers, you!
ARE WE THERE YET?
I’m longing for the finale next week when Aviva’s leg is left on the floor. A.K.A. where the editors should have left most of this season – on the cutting room floor! BURN!
I am the biggest Housewives fan (other than you) but this season has almost made me wish for the days of Alex McCord. Maybe I’m just comparing this show to the seemingly endless array of sparkly disfunction Miss Andy is throwing at us? Or Maybe I’m just an entitled white woman having a bad case of #firstworldproblems?
Speaking of first word problems..let’s get to the QUEENS of FWP land. Oh crap! Aviva is back in the opening title sequence – that doesn’t bode well for us.
We open with Heather (the B-O-S-S) planning Carole’s 50th “Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil” themed birthday party (with some people that are not the B-O-S-S). Kudos to Carole for choosing a cool-ass theme for her birthday and for having the great genes to not look close to 50!
One of Carole’s assistants (I thought Carole told us she had only one!) reads a
n email a DOCUMENT of some of Carole’s conditions for her birthday party:
1000 white lights.
Spanish Moss on all the tables.
500o white rose petals.
Butterflies in a cage.
Move the chandeliers from Carole’s apartment to the venue.
(Heather gets Carole on the phone -Carole is in London promoting her book-to clarify the vision for this party).
Carole adds to the list of her demands.
Polished red apples for the centerpieces.
Man walking an invisible dog.
A Harvest Moon to be hung in Trees.
Antique Lace to adorn the doors.
THIS. IS. NOT. A. BIT!
This is the part where the party planner in me screams “Bitch, Puh-leeze!” If Carole wants an over the top party then she most certainly should hire a professional party planner and not burden her BFF (and two assistants) with such a bear of an undertaking. Where’s David Tutera when you need him?
I’m sure Heather is envisioning a headless Carole right about now.
Let’s segue (on our segway’s) across town to Sonja, Dubin and not-Millou at a pet store.
“Even though you’re not Millou, I’ll take you shopping” thought Dubin.
Harry and Sonja are playing with a little puppy in the store and I’m beginning to get really nervous (stop reading here if you don’t like rants) because they’re talking about getting a dog together. I’m having a really bad negative knee jerk reaction because I’m such a dog lover and I think Pet stores that sell pets are beyond cruel and archaic. Even Heather “Morticia” Dubrow knows that buying a dog is wrong and so she gives guilt money to a rescue and OMFG…noooooooo..Sonja places an order for a dog. FUCK OFF, SONJA! You can’t even afford hot water and you’re going to buy a dog with Dubin so you can play house? Seriously, FUCK OFF. It’s not charming and cute – it’s annoying. I feel sorry for that poor dog that’s going to be neglected by you. I just googled this piece of shit store that sells dogs from
a puppy mill breeders and it got one and a half stars on Yelp. Good. Next time you want a dog go to a local shelter or Petfinder.com you fucking moron.
Rant over. FF.
The Bickersons are at Marriage counseling. Apparently, it’s “Wear what’s wrong with your relationship” day.
Love Me Tender and Eboost!
The offices (as Kristen points out) look like a very slick law office. I’m having trouble concentrating on this scene because the therapist is reminding me of someone…but who?!? Pardon me while I consult my reality show rolodex in my noggin. Got it.
Bachelor Bob! Does anyone think they could be bros?
My Mind is filled with completely useless thoughts and images just like these. Le sigh.
Anyhoo, the therapist is competent and Kristen and Douchenozzle seem to make real (and very surprising) progress. On the road to fixing their marital woes? Well see. Shannon Beador and I need this therapists phone number on speed dial.
Moving on. Ramona’s mini-me is packing for college. Sweet bejeebus, hasn’t she left already?!? Poor Avery is stressing since she has waaay too many shoes to pack… #firstworldproblems
“I just want to close my eyes and for it to be done.” Me too, Avery. Me too.
I’m not going to recap any more ‘Avery going to college’ shit other than to say Ramona cries in this episode like someone has died and Avery has to comfort her mom. Way to be the mother, Ramona!