Hey ya’ll! It’s finale time! This was a fairly good finale. It wasn’t maybe as good as the first season, because we didn’t see Thomas bawling “I lev yew hew hew hew….” but the showdown between Kathryn and Ashley was pretty good. Also, fuck the Koreas… we witnessed a far greater thawing of hostility: Patricia and Kathryn spoke! I actually cheered for Austen this show, and a very juicy (and believable) rumor about Ashley circulated. Let’s don our white tie, hit Patricia’s Winter Wonderland Ball, and watch the dramz unfold, shall we?
First off, I was PISSED that they skipped a week. I had my hot fudge sundae all ready for naught. SECOND, they finally played the normal version of the theme song over the highlights of “This season on Southern Charm” montage. They really had to stretch to match “He’s in magazines” (Shep putting on his muscular torso apron) and “He’s got more honeys than any honeybee…” with Craig and his deer in the headlights presentation of one of his pillows to Patricia and Austen opening his mouth at the bar. Slim pickings.
Patricia opens this week checking out the decor for the Winter Wonderland Ball. It looks pretty awesome, as does her outfit.
I love the way she dresses
Shep listlessly does shots with some daytime groupies- probably tourists who paid for a “Shep tour” of area bars.
“Here’s to you going back to Iowa”
Naomie is scooping one of her kitties’ potty sands
Austen is “researching” beer, and Kathryn is reading Patricia’s book.
Add equal parts “twat” and “grand-dame fabulous”, throw in “creepy adult son/vampire” and stir
Onto Craig’s hovel.
Yes. It’s a blur. That was deliberate.
And lo and behold:
Is he sweeping up the flower petals that fell from his meeting with Patricia? What do I win for being right?
While he’s “cleaning” Cam shows up. Craig pardons the “construction”, as Cam seems to contemplate the bacteria and viruses lurking in Craig’s mess.
“I feel kind of stupid making Jason change clothes before coming into the house now”
Cam asks about the wall. Craig said “we took it down”
What NOW is the over/under on Craig tearing it down, only to find out that the frame is weight-bearing?
Craig offers Cam wine, which she accepts as long as the wine isn’t old. And presumably the glasses aren’t full of dust.
This would be MissKitty’s face too, and she lives with two gross boy long-haired pets
Cam inspects the wine for a really long time before sipping it. They make small talk about Palmer. Cam asks if he’s practicing Law yet.
This face serves for basically any question you ever ask Craig
Craig says no, because he hasn’t passed character and fitness yet. Something tells me one look at your mentally ill warren of trash and clutter, you may be waiting a little longer (note: He did eventually get sworn in). Craig confuses her by explaining his pillow making, including showing her “20 pillows” that he made.
Ummmmmmmmm… Did the pillows shed their cases like snakes and leave?
Cam is more perplexed than ever, and Craig shows her his pillow ideas. She mouths “What. The. Fuck.”
Yeah, pretty much all of us too, Cam
Did Craig take “line” advice from her?
“Your pillows don’t have to actually exist to be a fashion line”
Cam spits it out that she (and America) thinks that Craig is using the pillow thing to avoid his real life. She asks him about his life coach. Craig, to the shock of no one, admits that he stopped returning her calls. He says a big problem with Naomie is he didn’t take accountability. Cam thinks he should say that to Naomie and “Get your fucking house cleaned.” YES. AGREED. Only one being is not happy with that advice:
“You. Lady with the smooth-faced small one. This dwelling is perfect for me to raise my young, so STFU”
Kathryn is getting ready to host Naomie with “fancy” soda.
I’m digging those furry ottomans
Naomie and Kathryn sit down to gossip. Kathryn fills her in on Thomas’s soliloquy at the polo match. Then Kathryn spills the tea on Ashley, saying that a friend on Instagram revealed that Ashley is a high-end call girl. BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Naomie says she heard the same rumor!!
We find out that Kathryn is nervous to see Patricia. Kathryn is suspicious of her motives, saying that she’s picked a very formal event in order to test Kathryn. We find out later that she’s not 100% wrong. Naomie reveals that Craig lied about taking a date to the dance.
The boys all meet up to get fitted for their white tie/tails. Craig is more mumbly than usual, and Austen says that they didn’t have an early night the night before. Austen is shown doing karaoke.
“Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together for Austen Kroll! Singing: Close. Your. Goddamn. Mouth!”
Shep arrives and explains for the 45th time about white tie. He complains that the girls all get to wear cool gowns but all the guys have to look like Stormtroopers, aka, all the same. The guys then dish about Ashley. Craig asks if she hit on them. They all say, yes. We’re treated to flashbacks of Ashley desperately asking Shep if he’d date her.
Even more awkwardly delicious than this, and that’s saying something
The guys all canoodle over Ashley’s lack of a job in South Carolina, and reveal that Whitney even asked Thomas how much money it would take to get rid of her.
“And usch to b’gethRR” Translation: “And us to be together”
Ashley is there, and participates in her own debasement, and says “Five Grand”
“…. and I’m high AF”
We are next treated to a “getting ready” montage, and it’s awesome.
Thomas and Ashley get ready, and Thomas fetches her a drink. “You always need something stiff”. Ashley sneeringly retorts “good joke”.
Call-girling: Ur doing it rong
Thomas says if it weren’t for Ashley’s “persistence” they’d be broken up by now. Wow. What a gentleman. When I think of romantic words of my soulmate, I want them to speak about my “persistence” as the main reason we are together. Sigh. Pure poetry.
But then, it couldn’t happen to a klassier idiot
He fetches her drink, and she seems to remember her role, because she coos about it in her intolerable baby voice-ah. God she’s loathsome. Thomas presents her with a Christmas gift, interviewing besides her being persistent, he doesn’t want to end up alone without a partner, so since she was the last one left in the disgusting musical chairs game, she’s it. It’s a locket.
The initials stand for “you’re the one… left”
Thomas asks if she likes it. She does this totally irritating fake-ass mouth-dropping face.
You’re not cute. You’re a manipulative little labia sore
The producers play this sappy “aw isn’t this sweet” scene, and it’s utterly hilarious.
Awwww… and that’s the day the vacant-souled gold digger and the narcissistic alcoholic rapist lived… ever after
Ashley keeps the romance going by bluntly saying “It’s a little long”.
Sigh. Well that play-acting didn’t last long, did it
Who wants to bet that she got into nursing completely to try to worm her way into the pockets of some rich old coot? Sorry- I just get such a nasty vibe off her. She doesn’t dissuade me either, when she says she’ll probably see [his] baby mama there. Um. She HAS A NAME, BITCH. Thomas asks if she’ll speak to her. Ashley whines about it. Thomas asks “Can’t we all just get along?” Ashley snits “you tell me-ah” and Thomas laughs right in her face, saying he gets along with her fine, that it’s Ashley she doesn’t like.
Wow. The chivalry… Hope it’s worth it, you fluffy tick
It’s ball time!! Chels arrives at the hotel, looking gorge in white. Kathryn is getting ready. Chels says she looks like a Dior ad. Kathryn cutely admits that she googled White Tie to know what to wear etc. Kathryn confides in Chels about Patricia and how Patricia was a single mom going after a single mom. It looks like it still stings.
I think it genuinely hurt her feelings
Austen calls and says both ladies better be dancing.
Danni and Elizabeth
Danni slays it every time
Ashley and Thomas arrive
Naomie and Wilson arrive. Wilson’s eyes are already bugging out in Erika Jayne Glam Squad, and I’m sorry, but I do NOT like Naomie’s bump-it hair. Sorry! Great dress though!
“A Winter Wonderland Ball moment! Gurrrrl! Extra! Whaaaat?”
This is one occasion where I can handle a little Wilson trying out for “best gay sidekick” in a Bravo series, special, or reunion.
Whitney and Cam arrive. Whitney is already looking like he wants to feed.
“Willrrr blood brrrdddd soon?” Translation: “Will your blood be ready soon?”
Cam perkily exclaims that the atmosphere is like the Titanic. Hahaha. Whitney says Ashley looks like Ava Gardner 1961.
Not even close, Whitneratu
JD arrives, wearing his large fur.
“HEH! I’m at the BALL! HEHHHH! LOOK AT MY PIMP FUR! HEHHH!”
Elizabeth swans over to him, flirting a little as he ogles her. She says she’s lost weight. From stress. DAGGER. hahaha
Pat’s friend Georgette is there with her gigantic diamond. Naomie asks Sean where Craig is.
“Um. He’s not here yet. You scare me…”
Forgot, Jenn is there.
I recognize that soothing dulcet voice anywhere
Cam asks the group that she sees Thomas and Ashley and wonders if they’re together or what. Naomie SPILLS THE RUMOR about Ashley being a call girl, but first only hints. It’s hysterical how Elizabeth, Jenn and Danni all lean forward slightly. Cam shouts, she’s pregnant! And Wilson, in the way that only a gay man can do it, says Cam is barking up the wrong tree.
Okay Wilson. It’s your turn to shine. Go ahead.
Wilson says he heard it from his family friend in Santa Barbara.
Whitney asks if Elizabeth is available. JD, who looks like he’s about 4 minutes from a stroke, takes it well.
Craig and his date, Bella arrive
No comment yet
Naomie is not taking it super well.
Don’t worry- you’re better off
Finally, Austen/Chelsea and Shep/Kathryn arrive
Thomas loses his train of thought
Hahaha- No…. not obsessed AT ALL
Patricia is watching. And waiting. She admits that it was a test to invite Kathryn. Kathryn wants to go say hello right away. Shep advises her not to yet.
Naomie greets Peyton.
I kind of dig Peyton. She didn’t play into the whole drama for camera time. I respect that shit.
Then Austen busts the kind of shade that I honestly didn’t think he had in him. For a brief shining moment, the mouth breathing, assne, and Dundalk, Maryland accent is pushed into the background, as he lays on that Ashley looks not like Ava Gardner, but CRUELLA DEVILLE! Hahahahaha! And then he adds, “In every sense of the word” Ashley asks if that was the right thing to say, and Austen says with a big smile… “No.”
Ha. Ha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Dinner is served, and the table laughs at Kathryn in her accent. Shep seems delighted. I think it’s a relief for him to be able to just be himself and not so formal. Cam figures she better at least act like she’s not secretly into Whitney, and they facetime Jason. Kathryn feels like she’s being watched.
Kathryn says Patricia has “a statuesque resting bitch face”. She’s not wrong. Craig says Naomie looks gorgeous. Ashley is hissing at Jenn, asking her about Kathryn.
You two actually make a great, shit stirring pair
Jenn asks Ashley about Kathryn and how they get along. Then gives her a look when she finds out Ashley burned that bridge.
“You aren’t very smart, are you”
Kathryn tells Chelsea how Jenn lied in her deposition, as we are next treated to Ashley going OFF in a rant about how Kathryn is delusional and goes to bed every night thinking about “how Ashley Jacobs is WINNING!”
Maybe cut back on the coke, you crazy whorebag
Kathryn tells the table about Naomie’s rumor. Chels cracks me up by asking how much one can make doing that. Hahaha.
Chels can be the first breast milk brokering call girl
Naomie points out that Craig’s date didn’t know to take her gloves off for dinner.
I know I shouldn’t love it when Naomie is being catty and petty, but I can’t help it. I love her
Austen goes over to TATTLE to Thomas about the RUMOR!
Do it. DO IT! You beautiful mouth-breathing FOOL! YAAASSSS!
Thomas scoffs at the accusation, and Jenn gets mad at Austen. She brings up Ashley’s career. Meanwhile in an exaggerated sad face, Ashley comes over to confront the rumor. Ashley asks Austen if he thinks she’s a nurse. Austen, instead of his usual pussified modus operandi, comes out and says “I have no idea”. He continues that he’s “never seen her do anything expect spend Thomas’s money”.
Chels and Danni totally are channeling me right now.
Chelsea’s expression though!! Hahahaha!!
Then Jenn brings up Austen’s sister. Oh no. You do NOT bring up Austen’s sister. Oh no. Ashley shoves her nursing license into his face (oh FFS. Couldn’t the producers have tried a little HARDER not to make this a total set up? Who the fuck carries their nursing license in their evening bag?)
“The director said I need to shove my card into your hand”
And Bella, Craig’s date, endears me to her when she calls Ashley “the maybe nurse person?” trying to keep it all straight. Wilson has another perfect gay bitch moment, when he says that the party isn’t going in your favor when everyone’s calling you a hooker. True. True. Kathryn doesn’t want to be a part of it, and walks off.
Ashley is still rampaging, and she confronts Craig about stroking his ego and how she flirts with everyone. Like a hooker. Austen is still blustery and pissed, saying no one was calling her a hooker! Chels hilariously points out that the whole table pretty much was.
Keeping it real this season
Craig breaks it to Ashley that asking if Craig or Shep would date her KIND of makes her look like she has a back up plan. She freaks out, saying that she’s not Kathryn. Uh… that’s because Kathryn didn’t go back out with Shep until Thomas and she were done, ratched ho.
That moment when you realize that you are about to be the most-hated Bravolebrity EVA
Shep and Kathryn and Chelsea and Austen dance, after Patricia complains to Elizabeth that Kathryn hasn’t acknowledged her. Thomas watches Kathryn and Shep like a lovelorn stalking Basset Hound. Kathryn winds up to go talk to Patricia, and Shep encourages her. The way he is so protective of and affectionate to her is really adorable. They replay some of Patricia’s less than kind words about her, and Kathryn hilariously interviews that she doesn’t know exactly how to pick up the conversation- and do they shake hands? Hug? Kathryn confesses that she didn’t Google etiquette- she Googled clothes! hahaha. Then it happens…
Kathryn admits that she had to Google White Tie, and Patricia says she appreciates that. She compliments Kathryn on getting it right. And she seems impressed that Kathryn has a job. Kathryn is appropriately complimentary but not too obsequious, and the rest of the party goggles in awe at this unprecedented meeting of the two former foes! The cutest is Shep, who giddily hugs Cam and says “it’s all happening!” Whitney compares it to the mailman shaking hands with a Doberman Pinscher. Which is funny actually.
Patricia calls Thomas over, and Ashley immediately (with the help of Jenn) comes over and drags him away like a jealous shrew.
When Jenn sits down, Kathryn politely excuses herself from the table like a lady. It was AWESOME! Plans for a confrontation with Jenn did NOT happen. Patricia interviews that she was surprised and found Kathryn gracious and charming. She says she feels a liking for her.
Game. Set. Match. KDenn! (part 1; many to come)
She relays the conversation to Shep, and Shep is so proud of her.
I love how proud he is
Kathryn says she’s at peace. YAY! Then, uh oh. Craig comes to talk to Naomie.
Nomes is not having it
REALLY not having it (ouch!)
She banishes him from the table. Craig drives me batshit, but I kind of felt bad for him.
Kathryn goes out to smoke a cigarette, inviting Whitney, who declines. Ashley heads out to follow her. Ashley starts out normally, and Kathryn says she’d love for Ashley to join her. Kathryn starts. Ashley politely apologizes. This seems to be going well….
And then it goes off the fucking rails. Kathryn tries to tell Ashley that she crossed the line in Hilton Head, and Ashley starts interrupting to “not deflect”. Kathryn (and the world) wonder what the fuck she’s talking about, and Ashley tells Kathryn “not to forget” that her kids were taken away. Rather than gut-punching that piece of trash in her solar plexus, Kathryn says she doubts she’ll ever forget that.
When does the winning start, Ashley Jacobs?
Kathryn tells her that no one likes her, even her boyfriend.
Ashley makes up a BS story in retaliation that he’s so stressed when he has to communicate with Kathryn. Um… Wouldn’t we have seen that? Liar. Kathryn says Ashley is boring her. Ashley threatens Kathryn with knowing a lot of information. Bitch, Kathryn has been pretty much an open book.
I love it when really stupid people think they won an argument. They act like a dog that just excitedly pranced into its own shit
Ashley says Kathryn wants her life (what, to be toyed with by a man-baby who is an inveterate PRICK? Yeah sign her up) as Kathryn calls her psychotic. Ashley simpers “God bless you” and Kathryn flashes a hilarious “peace”. Ashley runs in whining to Thomas, who lies to her face. Ashley calls Kathryn “nasty” Kathryn calls Thomas over, who immediately toddles over. She grabs his lapels and says Ashley is a fucking psycho. He looks dazzled, and I think if it went on longer, he’d try to kiss her. LOL
“Ah egree. She’s psycho…”
Ashley meanwhile starts screaming to Thomas to come on and not to be a pussy. Ashley then comes over haranguing him to tell Kathryn how happy they are, as Thomas looks like a senile mental patient.
“Where em I? Do they make cornflakes here?”
Ashley drags a miserable looking Thomas away. She rubs her coke teeth and babbles that he should hug her. Kathryn says she must be flexible to have her foot in her mouth and her head up her ass at the same time. Ashley is lying her hair off telling Thomas how much she went in with a good attitude. Whore, please. Kathryn decides she’s not done.
“Ah leff yew”
Kathryn tries to tell Ashley she disrespected her as a mother and fuck you and that she’s fucking with the wrong family. “You’re not a family”, Ashley sneers. And then she calls her an egg donor.
Well, you’re a mentally ill mean-ass cunt hooker with an eating disorder who America pretty much unanimously hates, so there’s that.
And that’s the end. But wait! We see Six Months Later… While Thomas and Ashley are still together (is anyone surprised? She’s going to cling onto that meal ticket like grim death. Wonder how her “nursing career” is going), they show video of Kathryn and Thomas happily dancing in his living room. Hahahahahaha!
So much winning, just like your sociopathic treasonous idol
So what did you all think? I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone on Bravo as much as Ashley. No wonder she and Landon are friends. Both are mealy mouthed little bitches. I’m SO looking forward to the reunion. What about you?
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