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I'm a finicky, easily-annoyed career gal who writes on the side. I'm a native of Washington, D.C., and I live in Virginia. I am single and child-free but not pet-free: I have a stinky male German shepherd teenager, a pumpkin-headed Ragdoll kitty boy, a spoiled Princess Arabian mare, and a darling lunkhead of a Buckskin Quarter Horse.
  • Stevie W.

    @MisRed… Lol, I didn’t even catch that autocorrect did that! Assinated IS fabulous!

  • Their homes were crap, too. I could never understand their superiority complexes.

  • I was pretty surprised they canceled that show as well. With the treasure trove of recapping that train wreck was, it should’ve lasted at least 3 seasons. Erica, the first time I saw her eat with her fork in her fist I had to rewind 3 times to watch the horror that was the 3 year old stuck in the adult body.

  • Aunt Dorsey

    I was heartbroken when they cancelled that show. One of my all-time favorite moments was the princess troll insisting on a piggy back ride from the nail salon to her car — while popa troll beamed his approval.

  • Did anyone watch “Princesses, Long Island” that girl Erica ate like a caveman — holding her fork in her fist, pointing straight down, and talking with her mouth completely full. Oy!

  • Aunt Dorsey

    @Redmeph — Very true. Easier to learn manners when you’re a twerp. I wish the one lesson people would learn is not to chew with their pie holes open, or to talk while masticating a mouth full of food.

    My sainted father hammered it into us as kids: “Serve from the left, remove from the right, and don’t stack the plates.” He was either training us to be high class wait staff or a stickler for manners. I’d go with the latter since it was a hanging offense not to ask to be excused from the table or to place an elbow on it. He wouldn’t allow a condiment bottle or milk carton to sully the dining table either, but he’s not the one who had to decanter everything and wash the extra dishes. I hate doing dishes, so he’s probably been rolling in his grave for some time now.

    I’d have liked to have seen Ms. Shrager on that show. She reminds me of the Two Fat Ladies and I loved their how-to-have-a-heart-attack-in-three-weeks-or-less cookery show.

  • Redmeph

    @Aunt Dorsey – Its always an advantage to know table manners – you can choose to discard them if you like, but you can’t use them if you weren’t ever taught them.

    Ms Shrager did the whole ‘I’m a Celebrity get me out of here’ thing 1 or 2 years ago, (or more, I’m not entirely reliable on dates) and she was very entertaining on that. Came across as a very sweet person, if given to outbreaks of excess wind after eating too many carbs.

  • Heather, That’s a deal! No charge — courtesy of the Holy Terror Institute for the Draconian Enforcement of Manners, and Preservation of Possibly Affected Outerwear.

  • holyterror44, I’m holding you to that offer! I would really hate to tear my beautiful peacoat. The price tag alone sent The Hubster into shock and he said I could never have another one, ever again, under any circumstances. You hold it, I’ll do the shanking.

    ~heather~ click my name above to enjoy some hilarious reading!

  • Aunt Dorsey

    But an Oleander hedge is so pretty…..

  • This is why God made ricin.

  • Aunt Dorsey

    Heh…. I know the two enforcers I’ll call for backup next time. I never asked those folks back for a repeat. Nothing better than some entitled twit who wants the working peons to entertain him.

    It takes all kinds. After I got engaged, I had Uncle’s baby sister and her husband over for dinner. They were all the family he had left. Soon to be B-I-L was expansively (literally — he’d already belched and undone the button on his pants) telling us some anecdote after dinner. Simultaneously he was picking his teeth with my departed meemaw’s sterling silver dinner fork. I kind of had a what in tarnation would jeebus do moment, but I went with Betty Crocker and sashayed into the kitchen and returned with a shot glass full of toothpicks which I ever so discretely parked at his side of the table. That man was a diamond in the rough.

  • Heather, I’ll hold your coat.

  • I ran a literary society at an Ivy League University. We had a beautiful old building, and were very accomidating to any projects our members were working on. One was a photographer, who had graduated years ago, and never paid her dues, but she was a member … so, we agreed to host and exhibit of her (CRAPPY) photography. We agreed to provide food and booze, at no cost to her. She brought in truckloads go Eurocrap douchebags, several of whom came into the kitchen and told me the party was so boring, they decided to hang out with the staff. They were SHITFACED brosefs, who obviously cared nothing about art, and were so spiritually and intellectually bankrupt they did nothing but go from free party to free party and COMPLAIN. A guest book was left for people to sign, presumably to compliment the artist. One person wrote, (FREE) “cucumber sandwiches were too thick.”

  • I would’ve shanked that kid in front of the other guests. I bet they would have helped!

    ~heather~ click my name above to enjoy some hilarious reading!

  • Aunt Dorsey

    I once had a dinner party where I served Country Captain buffet style, so I wouldn’t have to spend all night in the kitchen. A couple I’d invited showed up with an uninvited guest they hadn’t bothered to tell me they were bringing — their teenage son. The pimply little turd served himself before all the adult guests and because, !surprise!, he was a vegetarian, helped himself to a mountainous plateful of rice. Precious couldn’t eat the sauce because it had shrimp in it, so he thought he’d fill up on rice. I don’t know why the little shit didn’t fill up on salad and rolls — there was plenty of that, but NOooooooooooo. Mr. Manners didn’t leave enough rice for all the guests to have dinner, so I was scrambling to get another pot of rice going. No instant rice on hand. Mommy and daddy never said a word to their little darling and Uncle and I did without dinner. We made damn sure dessert wasn’t “help yourself.”

  • MisRed, You hit the nail right on the head — “You’re a guest, not a customer.” I once had a job in which I had to host many formal dinner parties, and we always made sure we had enough vegetable sides so that vegetarians or people who couldn’t eat pork or shellfish could still have a good meal. At a party this small though, at a private home, I find it extremely arrogant to assume there should be alternative selections standing by. Just don’t eat what you don’t want. I remember once hosting a breakfast, a very opulent one, and watching two women sit at the table picking the raisins out of the scones and bitching about how they couldn’t stand them. They also wanted the quiche, which was only one of many things offered, without tomatoes — and went into the kitchen to demand it. The chef said to me, “Do they know this isn’t a restaurant?”

  • Janine, Thanks — I forgot about the MUCUS PLUG.

  • Aunt Dorsey

    Great recap and comments.

    @linzlo & @Redmeph — I knew I’d seen the lovely Rosemary before and assumed it was in one of the Charm School shows on VH1 but instead it was a Charm School rip-off called _The Girls of Hedsor Hall_ that showed on MTV in 2009. It was cast with the usual assortment of bad girls raised by wolves. I vaguely remember Ms. Shrager’s dislike of makeup, or maybe it was just slutty makeup she had an aversion to.

    They apparently did not have alarm clocks and Rosemary herself made the rounds to wake up each of the young ladies. The first hootchie booted was the “over-bevereged” one who slept in her makeup and responded to the shocked query “Do you know what you look like” (or something to that effect) with “I look like I’m in a LOT of fucking pain right now.” Just like our lovely Juliet, she’d probably say she was keepin’ it real. In any event, that answer had me almost pulling a Vicky Gunvalson on my poor defenseless couch.

    Uncle and I responded to the anguished howls of our offspring about being taught proper table manners — that it was so they wouldn’t embarrass themselves if they were ever invited to the White House.

    @holyterror44 — My cervix coughed up six babies, albeit back in the days when sperm donors were not allowed to be present at the birth of their offspring. Probably a blessing, as it saved Uncle from being assaulted. All arrived via the birth canal, which means their faces were red and angry as hell. I don’t remember endless talk of dilating cervixes back then or even pregnancy being used as an excuse to go batshitcrazy. But hell, back in the Eisenhower Administration when I started, we all knew the stork brought the babies.

  • Janine

    Having been in the state of pregnancy twice before, I find it amazing how Caprice finds the energy to bitch and moan as much as she does. And about such nonsense at that. If you’re going to be a crazy strung out pregnant mess make it about crying hysterically over learning what a “mucus plug” is, promptly eating a box of 12 hostess cupcakes, while locked in your walk in closet. True story. I did that. Then slept for 6 hours mid day.

  • Redmeph

    That ‘Etiquette Instructor’ is Rosemary Shrager. Just to provide some context, she’s a chef by trade. Mainly to the Patrician classes which is why she knows about etiquette, but even so.

    I can answer why that cute guy is going out with Caprice – he looks about 45 and she’s loaded. Botox has a lot to answer for.

  • I lead a charmed existence — I now get to hear about TWO women’s CERVIXES DILATING. I hope the cameras and mics are on and pointed in the right direction when both of their WATER BREAKS, we get a countdown of CONTRACTIONS and shots or vivid accounts of the head CROWNING. Maybe, if I’m really good, one of them will have one of those completely nude BIRTHING EXPERIENCE videos shot in a little kiddie pool in their living room with dozens of special friends looking on.

  • churble

    Thank you Stevie W for speaking up for the rational pregnant women. I’m 8.5 months, this kid is ready to fall out at the grocery store if i’m not paying attention, and I still couldn’t bring myself to make the huge fuss that Caprice is making. People have babies every day, your surrogate does it professionally, calm it down, lady.

  • caffeine72

    Caroline got major points from me for her visit to Annabelle. A good friend of mine recently had really heinous surgery on her leg and foot (BONES WERE REMOVED! MANY BONES!) and was laid up in bed for >2 months. I went over every couple of weeks with DVDs of cheesy Lifetime movies and we would have drinks and snacks and make fun of them. Helen Hunt diving out of a window was great medicine.

  • pajopapi

    Thank you for the wonderful recap! I find it ironic that Caroline and everyone else gave Juliet shit for wearing short denim cutoffs at the Fourth of July party and yet Noelle and Caroline have worn them non stop since that episode. Caprice- aka ‘cap’ as in has a permanent cap up her arse is indeed a pig- cannot believe her hot Ty will stick with her and her only claim to fame is being a BBC reality star. Noelle is by far the most obtuse and obnoxious social climber wanna be. I love that you spell Scottt with multiple ‘t’s to match Noelle’s shrill, ‘Scottttt’. Julie is a shit stirrer on the sidelines. I do not think society has warmed to her or why else would she kiss ‘Cap’s’ ass? Julie plays both sides man-hands and bad hair. Is her goal to promote her yoga biz or drum up sales for garden tours at mapperton? I do like Annabelle and ‘her not to be discussed -party-coke-daz as a model with Kate Moss and removed marriage to a Rothschild.’ Now if she could talk- some great stories would surely be told. Caroline, I hear her! She’s the bomb but yes, smoking during a party is a no-no. She need to just ignore Cap and Noelle, they’re pathetic.

  • MisRed

    GREAT recap!!! I’ve loved all of your recaps of this show. Stevie W- I’m aware this was a typo – “assinated” as opposed to assassinated, but I am wondering if you’ve secretly hit upon a GREAT word: assinated and what does it mean? To make someone look like an ass and potentially killing them in the process? I think so… love it. It will soon be sweeping the nation.

    However, MisRed has held her tongue long enough on these so-called “Ladies” of London. But the episode on Monday crossed the line and MisRed is going to go on a RANT.

    Let’s start with Noelle. She says that she and Caprice have “made their lives in the press.” I was like- does this chick even work? I mean, besides being pinned beneath a wooly mammoth with a sweater around his shoulders 7 night a week? But I googled her and she does appear to have a career of sorts as a presenter and has designed some kind of sweater line, which explains Scotttttttttt’s vast sweater collection. So Ok, maybe she works, but we’ve seen little evidence of it on this show. So here’s my REAL rub with this chick… she’s dirty. Did you see her disgusting make-up brushes- they were FILTHY. Honey, soap and water 2x a month minimum, it’s not that hard. Noelle looks like she probably doesn’t wash her face at night and if you took off her nailpolish, she probably has dirt under her fingernails. The soles of her feet are probably dirty too. Also, please close your mouth when you eat… I’ve seen horses with better table manners. And Noelle opening the bottle of champs she bought for Caroline in the taxi on the way to the party… tacky. Shame on her for not planning ahead and packing a second bottle as a “roadie.”

    Caroline… I love her, but that Harvey Fierstein assistan! Do you think she just keeps her around for amusement? I loved Caroline trying to give Noelle and Juliet some BASIC table manners. Although, it might have been better received had she spoken to them about it before hand, but Miss Andy loves his drama.

    Caprice. Darling, you are 26 months pregnant, please dress, somewhat, appropriately. I’m all for pregnant women looking chic and if you want to dress sexy, go for it, but we don’t need to see your baby crowning from beneath your skirt. Would it kill you to give us, literally, one inch more skirt?

    Julie is growing on me but she needs a stylist, and I think she would look a lot less man-ish if she were a brunette. And she would be a STUNNING brunette because her blue eyes are lovely. Too many blondes on this show- stand out Lady Whatever!

    Juliet. Dear God, Juliet. Ok, her manners are atrocious and she has ZERO filter, which normally, I like, but not here. Just because you state that you don’t care for Venison doesn’t mean that the menu should be completely overhauled to suit you. Unless you have an allergy, you, politely ,taste and move it to the side of the plate if you do not care for it. You are a guest, not a customer. Plus, you live in ENGLAND… they eat game there, adapt, bitch. And while we are talking about taste… honey, who picks out your clothes? Whoever it is, honey, they are f*cking with you. Half the time you look like you are in some kind of religious cult and the other half like you shop the clearance rack at Forever 21. Day Glo is not your friend. And doesn’t Juliet work in fashion? Christ on a bike 99% of the time she looks like a fashion felony in progress!

    And this if for all of them- I noticed it at Caroline’s party- when any of the ladies take a glass of champagne or are served something- none of them say “thank you” or even LOOK at the wait staff. I understand that these people are rich, but, I don’t know… I like to treat people with an ounce of humanity. Call MisRed crazy. Juliet- glanced- at the peon holding the tray of champagne, I’ll give her molecule of kudos for that…

    OK, RANT concluded. Carry on.  xox

  • linzlo

    The etiquette coach Rosemary was on the fab show “From Ladette to Lady” which was on BBC America a couple of years ago.

  • Umpuleeze

    I would also like to come back in 10 years and watch a show of these women with their toddlers and babies entering puberty.

  • Umpuleeze

    Team Caroline all the way….Caprice is just mind blowing in her narcissistic need for everyone to bow down to her…I get tired the moment she comes on the screen because you know it’s going to be some complaining..woe is me…moment. This recap is hilarious and the captions are awesome…I literally laughed out loud more than once. I know it won’t happen but I wish someone would just tell Caprice to STFU and go have her baby(s) and have fun losing 60 lbs. afterwards…that’s so much fun!

  • Lizbot

    Thank you for the hilarious yet insightful recap. This part in particular had me literally LOL :

    Noelle is shown getting ready in her bathroom. What??! A floating bare ass that needs the toilet comes gliding in. Oh wait, that’s just Scotttt talking to her.

    Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Perfect!

  • Stevie W.

    I love how Cappers acted like Caroline assinated her entire family. If she pratled on one more time about the dastardly things she did to her I was going to start throwing things at the TV. And yeah I get that she is preggers and totally emo but as someone who is also 7 months pregnant she IS compleltly over the top and most certainly will be a helicopter mom. Shit lady you aren’t the first woman alive to have kids. She is exhausting.

    I recently read an interview with Marissa who apparently was also pregnant during filming, which might explain her constant waterworks and heightend bitchiness.

    I love how Juliet blames all her bad behavior in being American, uh no dude your just really rude.

  • Clare s

    Just a little info on the model Cappers picked for her shoot; Lucy was on a reality show in the UK called the Only Way is Essex (aka TOWiE) and is probably better known than Caprice is by most people in the UK. Lucy is in the tabloids at least once a week. I wonder if the company that produces TOWIE has anything to do with producing LOL? Love the recap as usual. Caprice is an Asshat!

  • I just want Caroline to be all snooty and ask Caprice to leave before she eats. That would be a total punishment for Caprice aka “I always have food in my mouth and lie back on every piece of furniture like no one has ever been pregnant in the entire world.”

    ~heather~ click my name above to enjoy some hilarious reading!

  • “Translation: She’s a raging twatpie.”
    “Can I have a snack? So I can make a snack?”
    “A floating bare ass that needs the toilet comes gliding in.”

    MissKitty, you are paying my dry cleaning bill. I soiled a perfectly good chair laughing at your dead on snark full of malice with a side of suck it Brits.

    ~heather~ click my name above to enjoy some hilarious reading!

  • “Caroline’s etiquette class for the Polaner All Fruit twins, Juliet and Noelle.”

    Miss Kitty, that’s the phrase that sent me running to the potty to pee like a racehorse about to throw Annabelle (too soon?!?). I just couldn’t make it to the end of the recap, I knew this scene would give you too much ammo and I was already struggling to breathe from the image of the “trucker” Noelle and Caroline killing her with etiquette.

    ~heather~ click my name above to enjoy some hilarious reading!

  • I absolutely loved watching Caroline help Annabelle. I know she says she’s not a cuddler and she’s a bitch, but she’s pretty damn nice and caring to people when you watch the show. Her words may be biting but her actions speak much louder.

    Look at me going all zen and shit with my deep thoughts. I may need to eat a Twinkie to get back to the fluff that is reality TV!

    ~heather~ click my name above to enjoy some hilarious reading!

  • Miss Kitty, I am with you on Fifty Shades of Grey. I was put into quarantine in my home when I got the H1N1 flu (oh the joys of running a home daycare where little zombies come to play) and I read all three books because my friends and THE ENTIRE WORLD said they were great and easy to read.

    I lost 5 days of my life. Luckily, I took many breaks to nap while I was on quarantine.

    But seriously, I don’t get the appeal. If you’re that hard up, go watch a porno. Why do we have to read a novel and then wait with fingernail biting impatience to see a movie that looks like the stars may not even be attractive when nude??!!

    Add I’ll close with the fact that I will be seeing the movie because a friend made me pinky swear to see it with her when I was delusional with fever from H1N1. And pinky swears are binding contracts that must be held onto or else all hope in the world is gone. (Bitch better at least take me to the NC17 version, I’m no child and I’ll at least get my money’s worth.)

    ~heather~ click my name above to enjoy some hilarious reading!