Game of Crowns. Oh, my FREAKING GOD. Is there no end to the madness that is reality TV? Luckily for us, no! So let’s get started with this hot mess of fantastic!
We start out in Wethersfield, Connecticut, at Shelley’s mansion, 8 hours before the Ms. Tri-State competition blows everyone out of the water. Shelley was Mrs. America 2011. Did Ryan Seacrest host that?
Shelley is practicing her speech in front of her mirror, sash and tiara both gleaming, while she stumbles over the tongue twister “prestigious pageants.” Her chubby daughter Maddy, dying for attention and popularity from being on her mom’s damn show, pops in holding the family dog and pack of gummy bears she wants to eat. Mom says no because diabetes is a bitch.
Then why do you even keep this shit in the house, Mrs. America?
Vanassa, Mrs. Connecticut America 2012, shows up for a playdate and Shelley admits she originally thought Vanassa was a hoochie momma. They compare crowns like men compare dicks, and Shelley says when they first met, they were instant friends. She mentions that Vanassa had breast cancer, so the jokes here will be limited. Ha! Just kidding.
Vanassa says Susanna, Ms. Tri-State Contender 2013 (why not Mrs.?), asked her to be a mentor during this pageant season so she can get to know the ropes faster. Susanna is a T&T alum for those of you who remember her daughter’s jewelry line. Meh.
How much anesthesia did you have today?
We move this right along as now we’re 6 hours away from pageant time in the heart of Providence, Rhode Island. The MC of the event, Melissa, turns bossy mcsaucy as she wants the women to start rehearsing.
A lot of these women look like average moms, so that’s kind of cool. Melissa suggests, “You need to think in your head.” As opposed to your vag? Jesus.
Wrong pageant face, by the way.
So Susanna does look very nice in a polished suit/dress she is wearing for her interview. She meets up with Leha, the reigning Mrs. Rhode Island America 2013, who complains to us that since winning she hasn’t had a moment to herself. Well, those grocery store grand openings do keep one busy. She’s here to crown the Mrs. who wins today’s pageant. See? Busy, busy.
Really representin’ here.
The first comment they have for Susanna is about her piloting. She says she can pilot a Cessna 152 and 172. What about a B52?
“For me, it’s more like, speaking eloquent,” Susanna says. I guess that B52 WAS a bomber. “I’m trying to be the Susanna you’d want to meet at a meet-and-greet.” Because I think the Susanna you’d meet at speed dating would really, really, really want a baby. And be a loud drunk.
Then they ask her what four languages she speaks. Oh, MY ASS she speaks four languages. I’ll give her Italian but no – she says French, then Spanish, and spits out basic hello/how are you’s from high school language classes, then “a little bit of German,” and she’s just started learning Chinese. So if you are counting, she barely knows Jersey English, but she can hyperbole like Trump.
Are you freakin’ kidding me?
One hour until stage time! Vanassa and Shelley show up and air-kiss Susanna, who says it feels amazing to have “the who’s who of pageantry here” to help her win. Yeah, really the who’s-who of the tri-state pageant world. Eye ROLL. Then there’s a lot of high-pitched comments that only dogs can hear coming from the women.
Oh goody, there’s another one. Lynne is Mrs. Rhode Island United States 2010 (why is it sometimes America and sometimes United States? Oh, why do I worry, soon it will be Mrs. China 2.0, exhibit A being this show).
Shelley snipes that Lynne calls herself a triple crown winner, saying she’s pretty sure that’s reserved for horses. Have you seen Lynne’s face? Then she says if Lynne could change her name to Barbie, she would. She might consider changing her hair back to faux blonde, as thos hot blue streaks seem kind of stripper-ish. But then again, so does Lynne.
Vanassa jumps on the snark bandwagon saying Lynne is still living vicariously through crowns she won “back in ’85.”
When apparently she had her original face.
Vanassa continues to Lynne-bash by saying the only Mrs. title Lynne won she actually bought. Isn’t that how pageants work though – the more you pay for those optional titles, the better your chances are of winning? “She’s a washed-up beauty queen,” Vanassa pronounces. Pot? Meet kettle. You both seem awfully BLACK. You know, for white women.
Shelley and Vanassa go to the podium to make their speeches. Shelley admits to “getting nerved up” before making a speech. She gets through “prestigious pageants” only to completely lose her train of thought and “ummm….ummms” her way to “a celebration of women.” No, it’s more a celebration of plastic and well-positioned botulism. “It’s what lies beneath the crown and sash that really matters.” Yes, because these are personality pageants, not beauty pageants.
Vanassa gets up to discuss her breast cancer and immediately everyone’s eyes go to her boobs. She tells people to be proud of who they are, and tells us that breast cancer didn’t get her down, it only made her stronger. Nice moment.
And then she starts up with the snark again and it’s pretty funny. Lori-Ann is Mrs. Connecticut America 2013 – Jesus, is anyone keeping up with these titles? What the hell is the third state in this tri-state pageant? Massachusetts or New York? Or the dreaded NEW JERSEY?
So Lori-Ann is more into body-building/fitness and winning those creepy competitions where women are so oiled up they are too shiny to notice that their boobs are actually pecs and the triangle bathing suit tops don’t help the situation. “She’s not a pageant girl,” Vanassa says. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.
They do the swimsuit competition and some of the women are hot and some are – average American women who seriously have balls for getting up there and working it.
I’m talking to you lady. You are officially invited to go drinking with us.
And those stupid twats we’re following snicker about her. At least her boobs, lips and forehead are real, bitchmonkeys!
Susanna is totally smoking in her swimsuit then brags to us she eats pasta four nights a week while not working out. Please die. And Shelley and Vanassa with their mean comments about some of the women (“Walk backwards instead!”) should join her in death. Or become recappers.
Very retro pinup glam!
Evening gown competition! They get to dress like Barbie, lucky bitches! One woman has on a white dress with a flowy piece of material in the back and Shelley immediately hates it because it looks like she pooped out toilet paper.
Okay, I see her point.
Susanna comes out with gorgeous wavy hair and a white, flowy, rhinestoned Greek-ish goddess dress that is totally killer. The ladies love it.
Third runner up…not Susanna! Second runner up…not Susanna! First runner up…not Susanna…meaning the winner for Ms. Tri-State 2013 is SUSANNA! Yay! Hope the win comes with one of those toasters that poaches eggs too.
And we know who it’s really all about.
Shelley says, “Susanna is aspiring to be,” she sighs heavily, “one of us, essentially.” ONE OF US! ONE OF US! Thanks Mrs. Stepford. “But until you’ve gone to a national pageant, that’s not the case.” Bite the big one, Shelley.
Now we’re in Cranston, Rhode Island, over at Lynne’s McMansion, five days before the Mrs. America pageant and the virtually nil publicity that pageant gets. Leha has stopped by for…for what?
Lynne tells us that she considers herself a pageant matriarch because she’s gone to all the big ones. Thatswhatshesaid.
And she’s got the picture to prove it. Talk about Awkward Family Photos.
She says she wants to be a really good pageant sister and pageant friend to Leha. Which is why she has a spread of about 50,000 calories of food on her kitchen counter.
You heartless bitch!
Lynne’s dorky-doctor husband Guilio and her dorky-adorable daughter Guilia kiss Leha hello while Lynne makes no effort to hang up the gowns Leha brought over. Good pageant sister, good pageant friend.
“We got you cupcakes to celebrate,” Lynne says, with a wicked look in her eye. What. A. Twatwaffle! Leha calls her funny and says she’d kill to have a cupcake right now. Would you kill Lynne? Because I would. I’d jam those cupcakes down her gullet until she looks like a roasted piglet.
Leha tells us she used to have body issues and gained a lot of weight after having kids. Yeah, kids pretty much ruin everything, from your body to your pocketbook to your psyche. She’s worked hard to keep off the weight (70 pounds!), so I’m guessing having such a good pageant sister and pageant friend like Lynne is pretty much killing her. She has a glass of water. With any luck, she’ll smash the glass and cut Lynne up like the bitch she is.
Lynne tells us after competing in the Miss America pageant in the early 90s, she went to law school, met the man of her dreams (easier than taking the bar, I’m guessing), and started her sunglass business that she owns with her husband who is an ophthalmologist. Great story, you should really write that down, bind it and sell it at whatever bookstore is still open these days.
Leha asks to move away from the cupcakes. Then they joke that Shelley and Vanassa are with Lori-Ann…
And how! Lori-Ann comes out in some swimsuit outfit that makes it look like she’s a bird on crack and says “Red Robin!” “What? THE EFF?” Vanassa asks. She and Shelley are horrified. “Lori-Ann does not display the sophistication that Mrs. America needs to have.” That’s because she’s pretty much white trash.
What the eff is right. Hope she kept the receipt.
Lori-Ann interviews they didn’t have to make fun of her. “This Red Robin has feelings,” she says, sounding dumber than you think a person could.
Vanassa says the bathing suit is for fitness competition, and Lori-Ann tells us that since she was 22, she’s been competing in fitness competitions. She says when she was 16, her boyfriend and now husband grabbed her muffin top, then he whipped her into shape. Wow, that’s love. On a domestic abuse poster.
Lori-Ann says she entered the Mrs. Connecticut pageant on a whim, which I’m sure the losers of that pageant were glad to hear. You can tell she thought it was a small joke and it has now become an enormous one. On all of us.
Luckily, Vanassa has a Native American costume she can loan to Lori-Ann, despite being about 100 times larger in the chest. She says she and Shelley are mentoring Lori-Ann because they want her to go out and be her best, despite the earlier-mentioned complete and total lack of sophistication she has.
Vanassa says she’s part Native American thanks to her mother being full-blooded Passamaquoddy, which is a real thing according to Wikipedia and the Passamaquoddy website. The costume even comes with a full, white feather headdress, just like mom used to wear never.
Shelley wants Lori-Ann to lose the bouncy walk and Lori-Ann is getting nervous about whether or not she has “it.” You don’t.
Vanassa must know that there will be K-Y all over this thing by morning.
Leha is worried about her costume for the pageant – she’s going as a sexy Uncle Sam. Her concern is that the cups of the costume are too small and she doesn’t want to scare the judges by being inappropriate. Spillage is the opposite of shrinkage! But then she says that she’s not sure Lynne is a good person to ask given her liberal views on her own cleavage.
Actually, there’s a whole lot of distraction going on here.
Leha is at dinner with her family and they seem like nice people. Cute kids, cute husband, cute forehead wrinkles. Wait! What the hell? Why does Leha’s face do that? She really needs to stop worrying and learn to love the botulism.
She tells the cutest story that she and her husband got caught smooching when they were in the 6th grade and they were sent to the principal’s office. The principal said he was going to call their parents and her husband said, “Go ahead, my dad would be proud of me!” Yeah, I would have married that guy too!
This family is so cute – Leha complains about juggling her career, her pageant life and the kids, but says her husband helps out. The dad does a fist-bump and finger tickle with the kids (secret handshake!) when they said they’ll be good during the pageant, and when they go to toast Leha, her daughter actually uses a piece of toast. So, I’ve got nothing here, let’s move on.
Sadly, mommy can’t have toast either.
Back with Susanna, she’s a little too high for her own good and she tells us that she’s going on TV now because of the win. She’s going on An Hour with Bob, which is a public-access show with a creepy old guy named Bob. This is sad and pathetic, I don’t care if politicians go on or if Susanna believes Bob is a legend. He is not.
Susanna acts like she’s on The Today Show and Bob is too busy slurping a big gulp and asking Susanna’s husband if he can flirt with her. It’s awkward and creepy.
And you know that big gulp is full of booze.
Over at Trash Central, Lori-Ann is freaking out while her husband trains her by spraying water in her face. “I’m going to kick you right in your pee-pee,” she says. Klassy. She talks about putting a “cuchini” down her pants to cover a camel toe. I’m tapping out here.
Puma the kitty cares not for your cuchini woes either.
She says it’s “fustrating” to be something for this pageant that she’s not and she’s going to be on the same plane ride as the others. “You mean flight?” her husband says. Sigh. Dang, girl be dumb.
But no cameltoe, so high-five!
Tucson, Arizona, it’s a dry heat, like Hell…Leha and Lori-Ann arrive early because of all the fun stuff they get to do leading up to the pageant. Lori-Ann admits she’s better at the fitness competition than Leha, and Leha says she feels bad for Lori-Ann because she’s clueless. Leave the Lori-Ann, take the cuchini, Leha!
So all the Mrs. competitors are doing some kind of promotion for the pageant, and Lori-Ann says three words describe the pageant: uptight, conservative, and diaper, the latter being a reference to the swimsuit she has to wear – most women would find it fine, but for Lori-Ann it’s like she’s wearing a sack that her mother would wear because you know, it covers her naughty bits and more. She’s used to wearing scraps of fabric to cover her hootie and pecs!
Yes, it certainly seems like the 1800s in that swimsuit.
Leha knows this whole week is part of the pageant – meeting people and letting them know who you are. Speaking of cooooochinis, Lori-Ann is bitching because she’s in the desert with “swamp ass” from acting on a whim and competing in a beauty pageant. At least she’s open to new experiences not at all.
Susanna’s stylist shows up before she goes to Tucson and she says he dresses a lot of pageant women so he has the scoop…and the scoop is, the outfit Susanna is wearing right now is the EXACT SAME ONE THAT VANASSA IS WEARING RIGHT NOW. So she decides to call Vanassa and tell her. And Vanassa is like “uh-huh” and what she means is “bitch, wear that outfit and I’ll cut you.”
Every woman knows how this works. You never, ever, EVER want to show up in the same outfit as the other woman. And in this case, Vanassa is Susanna’s mentor, so the smart money is on Susanna doing THE RIGHT THING and taking that damn outfit off, putting it in her closet, and never wearing it if there is a chance she might be in the same zip code as Vanassa.
But this is reality TV, so she shows up at the airport in the same outfit. THE SAME OUTFIT. And this outfit is VERY specific.
Someone is going down, and I mean DOWNTOWN for this one.
The Awk-Hawk takes flight as Susanna and Vanassa stand next to each other getting their luggage, and Shelley says they look like the Bobbsey Twins. Well, better that than the Thompson Twins!
Vanassa is fuming. “She wins like one pageant and she’s got ‘ca-hoon-az’ the size of China, seriously?” And it’s like Shelley just keeps picking at the scab. “I’d say you were salt and pepper, but you’re like pepper and pepper.” Vanassa gets madder. “We’re Italian and Native American,” Susanna says. Vanassa is FUUUUMING.
And Vanassa asks Susanna if she can talk to her about it for a minute. Susanna prepares for an adult discussion by putting on her sunglasses. Nervous much?
“Vanassa, don’t be drama,” Susanna says, behind her Jackie-O sunglasses. Vanassa says she wants to set this shit straight. Heh.
You put on glasses like these and then tell someone else to not be drama? I don’t think so.
“This is your calculating, manipulative way to make yourself relevant,” Vanassa says. Burn!
Susanna interviews, “This is someone who is supposed to be my mentor, my friend.” Uh, bitch? Maybe that’s why you SHOULD NOT HAVE WORN THE SAME THING ON PURPOSE!
So Susanna counters, “I’m flattered the way you’re painting your nails the same way I paint mine!” and Vanassa says the same thing about the outfit. “Don’t copy me!” Susanna says. Oh, bitch, you have got to be kidding!
“It’s your malicious, underhanded intent to undermine what I was wearing,” Vanassa says.
“I LOOK BETTER IN THIS TEN TIMES THE (BLEEPIN’) DAY!” Susanna screams. Shelley and Lynne are cracking up as Susanna continues to scream how she was honest and Vanassa calls her a liar and a fame whore.
Meanwhile, in the desert, the contestants are all in their pink rhinestone cowboy hats getting a tour of some plant sanctuary of some sort, and Lori-Ann snots off about how it’s hotter than hell and some guy is telling her which plant helps with menstrual cramps, like she even has any with all the steroids she’s probably slamming down in her “protein shakes.” God she’s klassless and ignorant. Who cares, get me back to the airport!
Hand her the crown, she’s a winner.
“You’re a fame whore, with that twinkling little twitchy eye?” Vanassa yells. “Go get that shit fixed.” HAHAHAHA, does she really have a twitch? Too funny, but in a really mean way. Susanna, can you top that?
You bet your ass she can.
“You know what? Get YOUR BOOBS FIXED!” Susanna says. To a breast cancer survivor.
Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, that was so, so reality-show satisfying.
They continue to scream at each other all the way out the door. That’s going to be a comfortable ride to the hotel. Susanna tries to play it off like she’s the victim and Lynne tells her they both got into it. Susanna says, “But I didn’t go there.” Uh, you went there and back and got frequent flier miles too, so shut it.
Next week, someone gets threatened, the women make a bet and make fun of someone and get called out for it, and Susanna apologizes to Vanassa who I believe flipped her the bird while wiping off gloss. I can’t wait!
And I’m going to need the name of that lipgloss!
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