Last one, guys. The exciting finale to this season of 24. Or at least that’s how it’s been billed. So let’s see, shall we? I mean, if the rest of the season is any indication, this is gonna be a doozy. Things are coming down to the wire. Audrey is pinned down by a sniper, China and America are on the verge of war, and Jack and CoS just watched the Russian walrus bleed out in his own home.
So Audrey, stuck in time out on the bench in the park in the least inconspicuous meeting spot ever, hears her friend dying rather noisily on the ground next to her. She tries to go to her, but as soon as she stands up her phone rings again. It’s Cheng, telling her to sit the fuck back down. She tells Cheng that her friend is still alive, and she wants to see if she can help her. What do you think is gonna happen?
Cheng tells her not to scream, or to communicate with anyone in any way.
At casa de walrus, Walker can only find emails from the walrus to his family and various women. Walrus, you dog. CoS asks if it can be a code, and Jack scoffs. He then proceeds to break the bottom out of a dresser drawer, grab a cell phone, and unlock it with Walrus’s thumb.
I mean, seriously, Jack just looks in one spot and finds the phone with all the information that he needs. On the phone are emails confirming payment for a shipment. Walker gets on phone with the port.
Just then, CoS gets a text.
Jack tells her to hang up, and the phone rings. Cheng tells them to back the hell off or he’s gonna spray Audrey with hot…lead. In the face, and probably in the chest as well.
Chief of Staves, being the awesome guy he is, says “Welp, that’s it. We gotta let Cheng go, and allow WW3.” Way to see the big picture, guy.
Walker explains that no, they can’t let Cheng go just to save Audrey, because WW3. Jack makes it clear it’s a tough choice for him, but he agrees with Walker. CoS tells Jack that Audrey loves him.
Jack just tells him to shut up. Audrey reminds Jack that literally the only man in the world who gets to boss him around is Mr P, and Mr P’s order is for him to track down Cheng. She tells Jack she’ll go get Audrey so he can get Cheng. Jack asks if she’s sure she can handle it, and she says “of course, it’s not like the writers are going to kill off Audrey…I’ll handle it just fine.”
Mr P arrives at CIA headquarters, where they have a war room (no pun intended) set up. Mr P briefly thanks Erik for setting everything up and walks past him. The various military guys tell Mr P that the Chinese are rapidly heading towards Okinawa, and once they get within 12 miles, the fleet there has standing orders to attack. One guy tells Mr P that the chinese nuclear subs have risen to firing depth.
So Chloe is walking all alone down Sleepy Hollow Ave., when a sweet British couple stops to see if she’s ok. She says she’s fine, but needs a phone. She calls Jack and tells him she got away from Cheng. Once he fills her in, she tells him that he’ll need help at the docks, but he’s not sure that’s a great idea.
She’s all like “Jack you can trust me, I promise, I’m responsible for a lot of this and wanna fix it all!” Jack buys in.
Mr P calls Chinese Mr P about the Chinese fleet closing in on Okinawa. He warns him that they’re at Nuke-yuu-lar readiness.
Chinese Mr P won’t back down…no he won’t back down. You can stand him up at the gates of hell but he won’t…back…down.
He says China’s official position is that Cheng is dead, so unless proven otherwise….
Cheng and his crew arrive at the docks. A Russian tells him they’re leaving in 15 minutes, and Cheng isn’t happy that it’s going to take so long.
Jack picks up Chloeeyore, and interrogates her. Chloe tells Jack she was taken advantage of, and her knowledge helped create the device. She tells Jack he’s gotta save the world, and that at this point she’s the only friend he has.
I’m pretty sure Jack has other friends. He has that Serbian guy. And Audrey wants to jump him like Kris Kross. Mr P seems to at least kind of like him these days. What about Walker? Shut up, Chloeeyore, you’re not Jack’s only friend…
Jack gives her to DL on Audrey.
Speaking of Audrey, Walker arrives near the park bench that Audrey is captive on. She can’t see the sniper in any of the windows of the house, so she calls Audrey. Audrey answers, which seems to me is in direct violation of the whole “no communication” rule Cheng laid down.
She keeps the phone in her lap, and has it on speaker, but I feel like maybe the sniper would have one of those neat sound domes they use to hear Peyton Manning during NFL broadcasts…
Walker tells Audrey that Cheng doesn’t want to kill her, and she’s gonna need to do something to draw the sniper’s fire so that Walker & Co can make a move. Well, again, it’s not like they’re gonna kill Audrey off or anything, so I guess that’s not such a bold strategy…
Audrey takes a couple quick steps off the bench, and the sniper shoots right beside her. Twice. She sits back down. The sniper calls Cheng to let him know that she moved and he shot near her. Cheng tells him to not miss next time. Walker moves to her team, and calls Jack to update him.
Jack and Chloe meet up with the Serbian at the docks. Chloe hooks into a satellite and gets infrared up. She uses the infrared to guide Jack through the maze of bad guys…
This is almost like cheating, and Jack and Belcheck are moving through the shipping yard like a hot chainsaw through butter.
They board the ship that they expect Cheng to be on. Someone tells Cheng that someone nearby has accessed the satellite. Cheng orders the boat to depart. The boat starts to move, and Jack sends Belcheckk to take care of the engines. Chloe realizes they’re humped, and calls Walker to tell her to get a move on.
Obviously it is not ideal to have to rush your plans to deal with a sniper who’s nicely holed up, but if you guys haven’t noticed over the last 12 episodes (and missed all 5 seasons of Chuck), Walker is basically a much more female, sexier (if that’s possible) Jack Bauer. She tells Audrey that the second she hears gunshots to run for a tree behind her.
Predictably, Cheng calls his sniper to give the kill order, but Walker is faster. She runs out and starts shooting at the window, and Audrey runs for cover.
Audrey goes into full on “use meat-shield” mode. Somehow Walker and her people manage to take out the sniper with pistols. Wat. Why would no one bring a fucking rifle to a sniper fight? Can you not imagine how much easier it’d have been if one dude in that team of 4 CIA dudes had a rifle with a scope? “Oh, the sniper is in that window? Yeah, I see him now. DEAD!” Sigh.
So the rescue, predictably, is complete. She calls Erik and tells him to get people to the docks.
Chloe tells Jack that Audrey has been secured, and that she’s lost the satellite feed. Cheng’s tech guy tells him that he’s now taken over her feed, and can see Jack and Belcheck.
Walker and Audrey are leaving the park. Walker fills her in on Jacks sitch, and just then some Chinese dude pops out of a car with an A-K-FOTY-SEVEN! (or more likely not) and starts shooting. 2 CIA dudes bite the dust immediately, but clearly the writers wouldn’t let anything happen to the beautiful Walker or well-entrenched Audrey…
This is the “I’m dead in like 95% of movies that use this shot” shot. But it’s fine, guys, there’s no way Audrey dies. Like 0%. It’s TV. We all know that in TV, people don’t die from stomach wounds. They only die from headshots and bullets to the chest.
Walker lays Audrey down on the bench and packs gauze on the bullet wound. However, no amount of gauze will stop the bleeding, and Audrey dies on the park bench.
Man. I would say “I did not see that coming,” and I never said anything so I guess I can’t claim it, but…they clearly had to do something. They can’t have Audrey be anything less than saintly, and despite her husband being the Chief of all Staves, she can’t just up and bounce because an old flame comes back into her life. And Jack can’t go all Ted Mosby, Homewrecker on us either. So something had to happen, and I’m not sure CoS dying would’ve gotten it done, because they’d probably have given him some heroic “in the line of duty to atone for his Chief of Staffery sins” kind of death.
But I was still kind of surprised.
In the war room, the military guys are pressing Mr P for clearance to attack the Chinese if they come within 12 miles. Mr P stalls for a bit. Meanwhile, the assman gets dragged outside and told about Audrey…
On the boat, Jack is getting himself in position to deal with everyone on the boat. Belcheck ambushes the guys in the engine room and shuts the shit down.
Walker calls Jack and tells him the news about Audrey. Jack puts the phone down.
Jack pulls out his sidearm and looks to the heavens, contemplating suicide. Then he hears Chinese and Russian voices above, and makes a much better decision!
The upside of Audrey’s death is that now Jack gets to go in to a Berserker Rage. A skill known only to the Vikings…until now. Presumably Jack has had this ability all along, because he possessed the proper midichlorian count or some garbage, but it had to be activated…triggered.
Little did Cheng know that beating Jack was the only way Jack could eventually beat him.
Jack kills fucking everyone. He runs out of bullets and dumps his assault rifle, but that doesn’t even slow him down. He shoots dudes with his pistol like he’s at a damn carnival trying to win Audrey the giant teddy bear prize. And then, when he’s out of bullets…
Yeah. Jack basically can kill anyone with anything.
Cheng hears the shooting downstairs and gets scared. He knows he done fucked up by killing Audrey. He sends a guy out to investigate the noise. Jack stabs him in the throat with a knife and uses him as a shield. He shoots everyone in the room not named Cheng, then discards the human shield for some fisticuffs. For an old dude, Cheng can still fight, so long live the tv trope of every fucking Asian ever being wicked good at Kung Fu.
Had he not killed Audrey, well, who knows how this fight would’ve turned out. As it is, Jack is a man with the strength of a bear…with the strength of two bears. He subdues Cheng, and calls Mr P and the CIA via video. And not a moment too soon, either, because at exactly this time, the Chinese have crossed the 12 mile line in the sand.
Jack tells them to connect to the Chinese and do some facial recognition. He asks Cheng to state his name. Cheng doesn’t want to talk, but as everyone knows, when there’s an Asian person in the room, there’s also a katana.
Cheng cracks and states his name. Mr P has everhthing he needs. Jack cuts off the call…
Man, I hope that was a mannequin…yeesh.
Mr P calls China and provides them with proof that it was Cheng Zhi. Hopefully China doesn’t demand Cheng alive, since the whole beheading thing. Chinese Mr P agrees to turn his military around, so long as the US agrees to reparations for the loss of the carrier and dead soldiers. Mr P agrees. Everyone is happy…except Assman, who has the unenviable task of telling Mr P the news about Audrey. He tells Mr P to sit down. Mr P refuses….
Mark arrives just in time to see Mr P collapse, and knows what it means.
Jack and Belcheck head back to Chloe’s little hut. They don’t find her, but they find some blood. There’s not enough time left in the episode for another full-scale daring rescue. Are we gonna get cheaped, or what? Jack’s phone rings, and someone tells him to be somewhere at sometime.
12 hours later, Walker turns in her after action report. Erik tells her Audrey’s death isn’t on her. She knows, but isn’t happy. She goes into her office for a moment or two, then leaves (with her badge and gun on her desk).
Erik tells CoS that he’s being shipped back to the States.
Mr P watches as Audrey is loaded (in her star-spangled casket) onto Air Force One. Mr PM tells Mr P how sorry he is, and Mr P says that, in time, he won’t even remember it, because his brain is leaving him. Throughout the whole thing, though, I can’t help but think of anything but…
It’s all very sad, because Mr P is basically saying that, after all this is over, he’ll eventually forget every bit of it. Including Audrey. Like she was sucked into a crack in space-time….
And then, to close it all out, Jack and Belcheck arrive at a secluded location, where a chopper has just landed. Belcheck asks if Jack is sure. He says that of course he is. The people with the chopper are Russians, and out of the chopper comes Chloeeyore. She can’t believe that someone did notice, anyway, after all.
And, in classic tv-style prisoner exchange, they walk past each other, pausing just long enough for Jack to tell her she’s his best friend, and to please look in on his family. He walks to the Russian chopper, and it’s hard not to chuckle a bit at the look on his face, because we all know it says
There’s no way there’s not a next season, right? I have hopes. And when there is….I’ll be right here, waiting…watching…”writing”…