This week, the women have returned from Vermont and caught up on their ultra busy and important lives. Carole has a pet named Bella now. I guess it’s some kind of cat. Three bucks says Carole ends up on Hoarding: Buried Alive in the next decade. And when I say three bucks, I literally am referring to the mammals. She’ll love them and the delicate way they trash her curtains.
Sonja is getting a placenta facial with Tinsley and says that she was allergic to Harry Dubin’s splooge 30 years ago. She lives in the past so much I’m just gonna call her Doc Brown for the next two sentences.
Dorinda is recording a tribute to Mary Tyler Moore. The next time a blonde rich lady is yelling at her chunky boyfriend in a restaurant whilst throwing up gang signs and slurring in an elegant NYC restaurant, remember that MTM was responsible for her moving there.
Ramona is living dangerously and ordering cappuccino as she waits for Luann. She says she’ll end up staying up all night as if it’s the caffeine doing it and not the Adderall.
Bethenny is a regular Joey Gladstone over here. I’m counting down the years until Netflix brings her into Fuller House as Beekeeper Bethenny. She’s in full on Elton John regala and engages us in witty reparte about the use of “LOL” in texts and the fact that there’s a town named Tequila that makes Tequila. It’s a real knee slapper. You had to be there.
She wants everything to be top notch on this trip so I guess this will be the first trip without Skinnygirl drinks. She still hasn’t officially invited Ramona.
Meanwhile, Ramona meets Luann and says she thinks she’ll get an official invite and not the one from the producers. It’s like when you’re seven and your classmate’s parent invites you out of obligation.
Carole meets Bethenny at SG headquarters and she’s excited that she won a court case by default. Adam went to court because he didn’t get his security deposit from his last landlord. Based on her couch condition, I have a hard time believing that he left his place feces-less.
Bethenny and Ramona each show their gossip counterparts the text in which Ramona said sorry to Bethenny for what’s going on with Jason. Ramona regrets going after Bethenny as badly as she did and Luann tries to convince her to use the alcohol defense. On the other side of town, Bethenny and Carole agree that the truth comes out when you’re drunk so her alcohol defense will most likely not work. Especially if Carole Lansbury is on the case.
Bethenny would prefer to treat this situation with Ramona as a break up so it’ll includes five years of court, police and lawsuits. Bethenny is still figuring out how to semi-invite Ramona while remaining true to her contract.
Sonja is on a maintenance roll this week. She’s having all of her hair removed down there. She finds a way to bring up Tom and informs all of us that Luann and Tinsley are completely bare down there. Their carpets match Tom’s drapes. Sonja says she has a tangle weeds at the bottom which can not be surprising to anyone who’s seen her house. This scene is long for no reason. It devolves into Sonja sharing her love of hairy balls and a creepy man who may or may not a mortician watching the entire process.
Technician: Ma’am, there’s a Blackberry in here.
All of the women meet for dinner at a steakhouse. Tinsley Temple is there in her tights and little girl dress.
“I’ll have the animal crackers in my soup.”
Carole is setting Tinsley up with Scott who’s successful and in his late 30s. After making fun of her tights, Dorinda also says that she’ll give Tinsley a free bikini to cut her hair because it’s aging. My, my Dorinda. Someone’s learned a lot from her first haggard appearance on this show at Ramona’s luncheon.
Bethenny arrives and doesn’t speak to or make eye contact with Ramona. In Bethenny’s defense, direct eye contact with Ramona is like trying to stare at a bulging, fiery eclipse #self-preservation.
Resting Ramona face.
Luann starts to ask questions about the trip as soon as she arrives because she has to get back to the Regency in full disguise to see what Tom’s been doing instead of “bowling”. Bethenny feels awkward talking about the Mexico trip when Ramona hasn’t been invited yet. They start to talk about her like she’s not there while Ramona has a constipated look on her face. Well, more constipated than usual.
Tinsley shares that she’s moving into a hotel for a couple of months so that she can get a feel for recklessly spending money again. Meanwhile, Sonja starts talking about her newly darkened eyebrows and says that now Tinsley wants them too. Tinsley, as we all saw episode one in her mugshot, has dark eyebrows already yet Sonja insists that Tinsley wants to copy her. Bethenny shouts out that Tinsley’s moving into a hotel which Sonja thinks is stupid. Tinsley whines, Sonja berates…
Dorinda: Why let a bellhop verbally abuse you when Sonja can do it for free?
It’s time to invite Ramona to Mexico so Bethenny demands that the entire table unnaturally look away so that she can discuss this with Ramona in the privacy of a public restaurant with a film crew. While they’re talking, Tinsley’s big blonde head is staring directly at them like they’re walking trust funds. Bethenny yells at her to stop looking and Ramona piles on so that the heat is off of her for a moment. Tinlsey whines again that the big girls are being mean to her.
“This is the face of someone who’s not on the good ship.”
Bethenny basically says that they’re a group under contract so she can’t disinvite Ramona but she’s having a hard time being around her because of the way Ramona has treated her. Ramona defends her comments by saying that Bethenny has insulted her business as well. She said Ramona only sold 500 cases of wine last year. Bethenny acknowledges that she said it but corrects it to 500 bottles. Stop trying to overstate things Ramona. No one’s seen that wine since, well, since you’ve seen Mario.
Ramona goes on a diatribe about how Bethenny should have respect and sympathy for her since she had to give her husband half of her money after their 30 year marriage ended. Bethenny was on reality TV for her entire marriage though so I think you’ve gotta round that up to at least 10 years. Anyway, Bethenny isn’t here for the tears or the fears. She isn’t impressed by the waterworks and Ramona lashes out saying that Bethenny is the Queen of the Waterworks.
“How’d you know I was in the all nude, straight to DVD, cult classic sequel to Waterworld?”
This isn’t going so well. They go to their separate corners and Ramona talks things over with Sonja while spitting into the wine bucket. Bethenny gets irritated in her corner because all she’s got is Luann and Tom’s baby monitor to listen to. Bethenny starts yelling at Ramonja that she’s sitting right there and she can hear what they’re saying. This from the woman who just talked to Luann about Ramona while sitting directly across from her! The two women eventually agree to not say nasty things to each other. Oh, and at some point during this, Ramona invited herself on the trip, tried to break up oil and vinegar and immediately pointed out all of Bethenny’s flaws right after saying Bethenny shouldn’t point out her flaws. Classic Ramona.
I honestly thought the episode would end with that dinner because it went on so long but no such luck. We get to see Ramona stroll into her personal training session with the scent of Mexican victory, and vodka, on her breath. Her trainer is pissy because Ramona is late and totally flippant about it. She keeps complaining that her trainer is too loud and talking too much which is like the pot calling the kettle weed. Then she talks about guys the whole time to convince us that men like her and aren’t just being her sober companion.
Carole and Adam double date with Tinsley and coupon king Scott. The new couple has tons in common. They’re both Leos, they like Tinsley and they drink “Tee-toes”. Tinsley is a disaster though. She talks about her ex-husband and shows the wedding ring she still wears. Then she talks about her ex surfer boyfriends and loving alcohol. Through it all Scott is a round faced angel who’s set his sights on diving into the shallow pool that is Ms. Mortimer. Carole pulls her aside to regroup and remind her not to lead with exes and her current addiction. It doesn’t matter though. One flash of Tinsley Temple’s fishnet tights and Scott has already taken off her wedding ring and offered to put her up in the hourly hotel she’s so desperately wanted.
The episode wraps up with a montage of the women packing for Mexico. Carole’s cat tries to hide in her luggage so he can get to Mexico and change his identity. Luann packs her statement necklaces and says they never leave the house without her. The day they do, she might want to call in her local excorcist. Lastly, Dorinda and Ramona chat about their hopes for the latter’s relationship with Bethenny. It concludes with Dorinda realizing that she forgot to pack her swimsuits. Fortunately, some Uber driver was spared the clothing dropoff ride to Mexico but unfortunately, America’s favorite slurrer is slipping away one brain cell at a time.
Next week, Mexico looks like a classic NY trip. It should be amazing. What’d you think? Love you for reading and commenting!
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