“You got your Real Housewives in my Toddlers & Tiaras!”
“You got your Toddlers & Tiaras in my Real Housewives!”
Two great programs that taste great together on one new, fantastically horrific reality show called GAME OF CROWNS! Like Game of Thrones but with bad grammar!
Game of Crowns is a beauty pageant show featuring plastic housewives competing on the “Mrs.” circuit, and it is as painful and hilarious as the surgeries it took to get them to look as tight as they do. This isn’t a one-and-done like T&T, it is a season-long series of women whose view of themselves is inversely proportionate to the shit we actually give about them. So let’s get started on the minicap!
Mirror, mirror, on the wall…how old do you have to be for this shit to stop?
We meet Shelley, Mrs. America 2011, and her chubby daughter who just wants to be on TV. “How many people get to say their mom is Mrs. America?” she asks. Well, not the ones who have a single mom holding down 3 jobs to make rent, that’s for sure!
And here comes Vanassa – NO “E” in that name, people! – Mrs. Connecticut 2012 – who is trying desperately to get away from Shelley’s two daughters (or did the one just split into two?) as she walks into Shelley’s room. We find out that she is a nurse/anesthetist (I’m guessing at a plastic surgery out-patient clinic). “What other beauty queen can say they pass gas for a living?” Yeah, you probably take it out in trade for Botox. But she is also a breast cancer survivor, so I’ll stop there for right now.
So Vanassa is helping Susanna, a newcomer to adult pageants but someone we saw on T&T back in the day when she was pimping her daughter out for pageants and for a jewelry line. She says her daughter is a “matriarch” in the kid pageant world. I’ll let you chew on that for a minute.
Susanna is kind of trashy Jersey/Long Island-sounding, like Tony Soprano is going to bang her and forget her. And forget her fast.
The big pageant today is the Ms. Tri-State Pageant, which, shouldn’t it be “Mrs.”? I’m so confused and we’re only a few minutes in. Susanna looks fantastic in her white goddess dress, it looks great and she is pretty. Until she opens her mouth.
So after this pageant (no spoiler alerts), a bunch of other beauty queens, both washed-up and steroid-pumping, enter the situation. They all head out to a big beauty pageant in Arizona, and holy shit, does Susanna pull a major faux pas not only in the pageant world, but in just basic don’t be douche world: She wears the exact same outfit that Vanassa wears on the plane ride out there. And it’s not like they are both wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
These are pretty damn specific.
I mean, who the bloody hell does something like this, especially to someone who is MENTORING YOU? The fight in the airport is most excellent. Nothin’ like watchin’ klassy broads scream at each other over their Louis Vuitton luggage.
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