Hey Trash Bags!
OMG! Have you guys been watching Boy Band? I know, I know…I’m late to the party. However, I went back and watched every episode- and died. Do yourselves a favor and do the same. Best. Show. Ever. Yes, I’m a 36-year-old divorcee, but, I have the musical tastes of a tween…and, proudly, always will.
Of course I loved New Edition and NKOTB, but, I was in high school when the second course of boy bands came to me on a bleached haired platter. Backstreet Boys had some great songs, but, I was an *NSYNCer beginning day one. I loved that little pube-headed JT since the second I heard that high-pitched beautiful tone of his. I own every album and even had a workout dance video, so I know every move to Bye Bye Bye. Impressed yet? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m obsessed with this show and want to make a giant boy band with every single one of these talented little cuties.
Alright, so go catch up…
Here’s the premise. We started with 30 boys. They all auditioned and we got a little backstory on most of them. They were cut to 18 and split into 3 groups. All three groups performed for the judges (architects) and one boy was booted from each group. We are now at the top 15. They have been divided into 3 groups of 5 and we are now at the live shows. There…you’re up to speed.
This is tough, because surprisingly I like everyone on the show. Rita Ora is the host and tonight she looks like a baked potato.
JUST ADD SOUR CREAM AND CHIVES
She’s actually very likable, and I like to check out her outfits. She start out the show with a live performance by the boys. A group of them are dancing around and singing to “Candy Girl” by New Edition. Loving it! I’m totally dancing in my living room, when I almost fainted! Holy s-balls! It’s Bobby Brown! Huge fan. Okay, I see where we’re going here…it’s a medley. Next up is “The Right Stuff” by NKOTB. Where’s Donny? I’m waiting… Alright, so I guess Bobby is the only cameo. Oh snap. We head to the architect’s table. Oh, did I mention that they are Nick Carter of Backstreet Boys fame, Baby Spice (Emma), and Timbaland? Love.
Nick starts belting “I want it that way,” and I melt. Oh yeah, AJ McLean is there too. Must have gotten a night off from Denny’s. The boys join in, and begin to transition into Bye Bye Bye. There is no way in hell JT is showing up on this show, so we settle for Chris Kirkpatric. BOOOO! We couldn’t even get Joey Fatone? Lame. The boys finish up with a One Direction song, and nope…no Harry.
“WHO ARE THESE OLD MEN?” ~THE GIRLS
They go to the three has-been’s and we discover that Chris was the first member of NSync. Nobody cares and we hear a story from A.J. about Nick in his underwear. Then Rita asks Bobby to choose between NSync and Backstreet and he picks New Edition. It’s pretty boring, even for a super fan like me…and we never hear from them again.
Alright, tonight three bands will perform. One band will be safe, and one boy from the bottom two bands will be up for elimination. All 15 boys do a cute little video to one of Rita’s songs (that I’ve never heard) and we head to commercial break.
The first group of 5 is put together and their band name is Topline. OMG. They give them the song “Despacito.” Are they freaking nuts?! I love that song, of course, I have Beiber Fever. That song is almost impossible, but they gather all the Latinos to sing it. I guess that’s a start. The choreographers, Napoleon and Tabitha, who I have seen on other shows teach them the dance and how to act sexy. They bring in their moms and make them watch as they do pelvic thrusts. They are a little uncomfortable, and so am I.
BUMP AND GRIND
Go back and watch the first episodes, because then you’ll know who I’m talking about. The group is made up of:
Chance- my boyfriend (father)
Mikey- pretty boy
Sergio- Spanish speaker
MENUDO IN MIAMI
They do a decent job, considering how difficult the song it, and are ready for judging. I’m pretty sure that there is more than coffee in Timbaland’s coffee cup, because he is acting a bit nutty. They praise Michael on his rap skills, tell Drew he reminds them of Mark Anthony (not sure if that is a compliment) and the crowd loves my boyfriend Chance. Did I mention that this show makes me feel like a pedophile? I seriously have MAJOR crushes on many of the boys. For a few…I could seriously be their mom. YIKES! Nick calls them the 2017 Menudo, and none of the teeny-boppers in the audience probably know what that means.
CHANCE- MY BOYFRIEND
Next up is Treble. Actually, they spell it TR5BLE…but I’m going to refuse to do that. They go to meet the musical director on the show, Adam Blackstone. Typically, I like what he does, but I thought the songs on this show were a mess.
This band is doing Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep,” which is an odd choice. Treble is made up of:
Brady- opera singer with a former stutter
Cam- prominent nostrils
Dorian- young- 15
Cam begins the song and hits a really bad note. Uh oh! They do a decent job, but, I don’t love the arrangement of the song. Hey, what do I know? Who am I Simon Cowell? Actually, I AM pretty close considering I’ve seen every episode of American Idol ever! Except for the season where Ellen judged. I don’t like her and there was no reason for a comic/talk show host to judge. Ugh. I had to protest that season! Anyway, they love Brady’s innocence and they thought Dorian looked happy. He cried on the last episode…see…you have to go back and watch if you haven’t!
I KNEW YOU WERE TR5BLE WHEN YOU WALKED IN
The final band is Element. They will be performing “Don’t let me down,” by The Chainsmokers. All of the mentors tell them that the other two bands have been killing it, so they better step it up. Element’s elements are:
Andrew- not fave
Miles- bad boy
Devin- super cute/best dancer
J Hype- beat boxer
Jaden- church singer
They do a pretty good job in their hideous black, white and red outfits. Did I mention that the wardrobe stylist should be shot on this show? I mean, come on. Anyway, they get pretty decent feedback, except for Miles who they can’t read.
Time for the judging. I hate this part, because I really do like almost all of the boys. All three bands come on stage and one will be safe. They do the looooooong pause and announce that Treble is safe. The boys freak and I’m happy because I really love the country-ish boy, Andrew, and Brady.
ROLLING IN THE WIN
That means that one boy from the bands Element and Topline have to be nominated. They ask the architects and they nominate Mikey from Topline. He is the very pretty Latino boy who is good, but a little boring on stage, if you ask me. From Element, they choose Miles. I have liked Miles from the beginning. He was homeless for a time, but I’ve hated his bandannas and he seemed to be a little affected. He is the supposed “bad boy” but he just doesn’t’ seem like he fits in a boy band. He is much more of a solo artist.
MIKEY VS MILES
Well, we’re live people so now America must vote on who goes home. Guess we’ll find out next week. Wait. What the?! HA! America will vote during the commercial break. Huh? This is ridiculous. We’ll, I guess the producers will be making this band. Anyway, our bad boy Miles gets sent home and I can’t wait until next week! Watch with me Trash Bags, and tell me your faves!
MILES OF TEARS