Fireworks! Buying patriotic t shirts! A new episode of subpar reality television! Two of those three things happened last week. Give up on the odd one out?
We return this week to the mansion from which the viewing public were spared a viewing due to the July 4th bacchanalia to find our same old losers with their same old problems.
The episode opens with a mad Roger. Jenni and Roger are at odds because someone let out a rumor about the couple (Jenni’s pregnancy confirmation) and the issue is that the rumor came…wait for it…from inside the house. Jenni is in the kitchen trying to convince herself that she isn’t a moron. Upstairs, Roger is HEATED and wants to leave the Boot Camp. He asks that Jenni take off her mic pack and dismiss the cameraman. He walks outside, notices the camera and gets even more upset. He takes Jenni’s mic pack and launches it into the wall. It is a pretty cool breaking of the fourth wall (and some drywall in the Boot Camp mansion).
Tanisha is incredulous that someone is snitching. Jenni finally says that the comment/story came from someone on production. Two production assistants deny it entirely and look at her like she is a weirdo. The exec producer is on scene to say they don’t gain anything by selling stories. Exactly.
The crew tries to explain their side to JWoww. Grey hair = big time producer.
The Directors say that these problems mirror the ones in their marriage. DC says that it is because of this that they need to stay. Yes, that and your paycheck so you can invest in more mock-collar t-shirts. DC goes up the stairs with Woww to have some man talk with Roger.
DC and Roger pow wow by the pool. Roger says he has a hard time trusting people and DC says that they are a lot alike because they both place a high value on integrity and doing the right thing. Roger decides to stay after his chat. DC has skills.
It is time for the first exercise, which is designed to test communication in and outside of the bedroom. Hopefully more out than in. Oh right, the stupid sex puppets. Tanisha says she doesn’t like to talk about it. Makes sense- the loudest one is usually the most bashful to overcompensate.
Gretchen and Slade are up first. Yuck. She is Clam, he is Sausage. A sausage with child support issues. DE asks the couples to tell their other puppet what they want from each other sexually. Uh, more stuffing?
Gretchen says that her clam does not want it so hard all the time and that it hurts the clam. She also wants more than two orgasms per encounter. Sausage says that he likes it when she is loud like in the bathroom. And Gretchen gets embarrassed because that is where they banged the night before. Commercials. Viagra. Cialis.
Returning to the program, Gretchen says they have a good sexual relationship. I agree with her. They are at least matched in the bedroom…
Traci and Kevin are up. She gets the donut and he gets the hot dog. Traci says she wants the whole thing, caressing and kissing. He wants more foreplay- including, as Kevin says “believing in me.” HE MEANS BLOW JOBS. C’mon, donut! Donut wants more conversation. They are dismissed.
Tanisha and Clive are up. She gets the donut and Clive gets a googly eyed hot dog that is in no way a comment on his eyeball thing. Tanisha eventually stammers out that she wants him to be more aggressive.
In the next scene, Tanisha tries to eat her puppet.
DE asks the donut what she is willing to do to get the attention from Mr. hot dog. Very mature. He wants her to do the same thing to him that he does to her. He reveals that he goes down on her and he goes to bed erect and pissed off. Sounds about right. Tanisha says she gets too tired but DE says a relationship is about finding the time for one another.
Trista and Ryan / Anti-Slade are up next and I again love Roger because he yells “America’s Sweethearts, this should be interesting!” Trista gets a train station and Ryan gets a locomotive. Trista says she wants more romance and affection. Anti Slade wants her not to just show up. He wants it to be more of a quality time and for the track to be a little longer. Yes, basically she is a dead fish and it is over too soon. I speak puppet…and idiot.
Jenni and Roger become Mr. Clam and Mr. Sausage. Is that not an Italian dish? Sausage and clams? Anyway, he wants more spontaneous sex. He also says that he does stuff to her that most would not do to farm animals. I think he means eating butt. She wants more romance. Roger says it is hard for him to see her as a princess. Yes, he sees her as an animalistic fuck machine. DC says that he needs to let go of who Jenni used to be and that will help them grow and get there as a couple.
After the exercise they are told to put on warm clothes and come outside. That must mean a long mink coat for Gretchen and full make up. DE explains that this part of the exercise will test communication outside the bedroom. A four part obstacle course awaits, with one part of the couple going through the course blindfolded relying on their partner to guide them through the maze from the balcony. The ones going through the maze will have shocking devices so it basically becomes a life-sized game of Operation.
After some paid ads, we return to the fun. DC says there is a 10 minute time limit for the maze. Jenni and Roger are up first. Woww wants to kick ass.
The first obstacle, is getting weird puzzle pieces into slots. Jenni directs Roger nicely. The second exercise involves large boxes with numbers. I don’t get this part. Then he has to roll a big ball through a maze. Done. Then he has to find an air horn in a pile of hay. They get shocked a number of times, and wind up with time expiring.
Traci and Kevin are next and they are calmly working together- in tone. Despite the soft speech, they are not communicating well. They get caught up at the block level, receive many shocks and time ticks away.
Tanisha and Clive are up. Already a blindfolded Tanisha is yelling at him. Clive starts saying “uhhhh” a lot and is basically being useless. The Directors are laughing like they are stoned teenagers and shocking the hell out of the couple. Can’t say that isn’t what everyone would be doing, should they be so lucky to be in that same position.
Tanisha starts acting like a lunatic, punching the air, swearing and screaming and stomping around. We go to commercials so she can save the remaining iota of dignity she has left. Needless to say they fail miserably.
Mr. and Mrs. Perfecto are up next and they finish the course and don’t even get shocked. Sigh.
Slade and Gretchen are up and seem to be going ok but they fail at the last possible second as Gretchen roots around for the air horn.
The Directors reveal that it was not about completing the course but communicating effectively. Oooh sneaky. They tally up the shocks and no one is shocked (yuk yuk) when they say that Tanisha and Clive got 25 of them, meaning they broke the rules 25 times. Too bad this challenge was not done when it was raining, really try and make it more dire and annoying. Jenni and Roger received 15. Traci and Kevin did well with 5. Gretchen and Slade got only 1. Trista and Ryan got 0. Too bad we could not see some more shocking. Jenni says they should go home. Ha.
DC says that it was a long day but that it isn’t over until evaluation. Tanisha and Clive are arguing and the other couples are talking. We go to commercials.
Why is every evaluation in front of that stupid faux-news stand? Anyway, the Directors are ready to dispense judgment. DC says communication is essential. Thanks dude.
Trista and Ryan are given glowing praise. Of course. Roger is told to stop judging himself so harshly and it will help the relationship. Clive is told that he left Tanisha stranded. DC tells him to be specific and give her some direction. Tanisha is told to stop getting so frustrated and bring it back down. Yup! Traci is told to watch her body language when she speaks with Kevin. Whatever. Gretchen and Slade are told that their baby talk does not work in a relationship, as in they call each other pet names all the time, when it comes to real communication.
Jenni and Roger are packing because they have an event to attend on the East Coast. Roger says that he does not think that now is the best time to leave boot camp. Roger asks but Jenni cannot promise that she won’t do more events and living in the public eye. DC says he will be surprised if they even come back but he wants them to return. Will they? Won’t they? Will we even care?
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