Woohoo, it’s eviction night! Which terrible human will go home for a week before CBS rigs a contest to let them back on? How many unbearable Christmas puns will Big Brother make? How did a grown woman in cat ears become the least annoying person here?
You’re not my boy, buddy
Cody is all set to get backdoored and is pretty much resigned to his fate. Don’t worry Codemeister, I’m sure they’ll make the Battle Back game a challenge about drowning kittens or strangling hookers so you’re a sure bet to win!
The last thing a lot of missing neighborhood pets ever saw
Josh tries to trash talk Whoresicle, but it’s like watching a slow kindergartner scream at a Sorority mean girl. Only the kindergartner is giant and cries more than any 5-year-old I know. I hate him so much that I’m kinda on Whoresicle’s side in this argument. But ONLY in this argument. That bitch can fuck right off. Cody tells us that he and Paul are the only ALPHAS in the house. I assume that stands for Annoying Loud Penis Head And/or Sociopath.
ALPHA as FUUUUUCK
Ramadan calls a house meeting to let everyone know she has to have surgery, but she’s chosen to stay in the game and recover in the BB house. They won’t be altering any comps for her cause it’s not like she’s Paul or something. Cody says he has no sympathy. I’m not sure if he means for Thanksgiving’s injury or just that he straight can’t feel sympathy at all.
Sympathy is for betas
Whoresicle goes into damage control mode and tries to apologize to Valentine’s Day, but she’s super pretty so she sucks bawls at apologies.
“Yeah, I’m sorry for being prettier than you and I’m sorry you’re so mean to me for no reason. We good?”
St Patrick’s Day eats pretty girls for lunch (hawt!) and is unmoved by the heartfelt backhanded narcissist apology. Heart of stone, that one.
Raven is so hot when my sound is off
It’s Dom’s Birthday! Raven made her a cake, but Whoresicle is crying in the corner because she’s not allowed to eat cake and she’s dressed like a frog and she has to sit on lily pads and he forced me to ruin my dress. Guys, this is what happens when you spend your life in the pretty bubble. You miss one piece of cake while wearing a frog suit and you melt the fuck doooowwwwn.
“If I had feelings I would probably feel them for you.”
Cody’s turn to suck up to our gimpy friend with zero power who can’t even compete in half the competitions (why? I don’t get it). He throws Dom and Mark under the bus and tries to talk up his two favorite ladies, Cat Ears and The Slutmatic 3000. Cat Ears makes sense and Passover should totes align with her and form an alliance of people I don’t want to punch in the face. But really? Whoresicle as a strong player and good ally? That bitch sucks at everything. Even showmances.
Oh no, the old guy forgot to take his meds and he thinks the Big Brother set is actually a talk show. The HG’s play along because it’s dangerous to snap a dementia patient out of their delusions, so it’s time for Dom to play host and interview Cody. Josh tries to throw more shade and the exchange is like,
“Yeah, what’s it like to have poop for a face, you poopface?”
“I’m not answering any questions from Josh”
“Yes! I win! Sick burn!” **high fives self**
The Bro-Brigade (+Paul and -Cody) is all hopped up on Lucky Charms and looking to start some shit. Talking. Some shit-talking. They’re mad at Dom for asking a question they didn’t like during the interview. It makes zero sense.
Testosterone is a helluva drug, y’all
Eviction time! SPEECH!!!!
“I have cat ears on and that’s horrible but you guys all forgot I was on the block anyway so I’m just gonna super phone in this speech.”
“I’m only here because I’m cursed. Like Harry Potter. Me and Harry Potter have soooo much in common. We’re both Libras. And we both hear snake noises everywhere we go.”
“Don’t be a beta! Lift more! All women are sloots and bitches just riding the cock carousel until the can divorce rape you! I love you Whoresicle!”
The first three votes go to Ramses and I get worried for a minute cause that kid is definitely not winning any Battle Back comps, but everyone else votes Cody and he hops his way off set. Julie tells him he’ll get a chance to come back and he is STOKED.
The rest of his interview is like watching that one episode of the dating game that the serial killer/rapist was on. Bantering with emotionless psychos is awkward.
Time to start the HoH comp! It’s a stand on thing for as long as you can while we pelt you with stuff game. It’s spaced themed. No idea what that has to do with temptation.
Where are the apples?????