Hello, welcome to Speed Housewives!! Just kidding. Well, it will seem that way to MisRed as it took her a week to write her previous recap. I’m sorrrrrrry, I’m sorrrrrry, okaaaaaay? I didn’t get the memo that you were waiting for a timely recap, Okaaaaaaaay?!!? See, MisRed doesn’t write a recap and then she puts the blame right back on you guys. MisRed is the victim here.
Sh*t! MisRed really WAS just the victim here. She’s been awake 10 minutes and her support staff is already yelling at her, getting stuck in a blanket and spilling how coffee on her. My poor older guy sleeps under a blanket, but our puppy has chewed holes in the blanket so it sometimes becomes a poncho on my old guy. And he gets stuck in it sometimes and just barks until someone comes and rescues him.
My point was… I’ve been hanging out with these Housewives TOO long- I’m making myself the victim in, literally, every circumstance.
I’m going to need a casserole.
Where did we leave off? Bethenny embarrassed Tinsley by confronting her, in front of everyone, about the fact that she tried on wedding dresses despite the fact that she’s not getting married. Then Tinsley fashion-shamed Bethenny right back by implying that Amsale- the designer who did Bethenny’s wedding dress- was not fancy or couture enough for Tinsley. Carole doesn’t want to date Adam anymore, but has crawled right up the Countless’s ass.
I’ve been divorced, I’ve been traveling, I’ve been in a cave, I’ve been to prison…
Luann is readying herself to re-enter society after being trapped in an underground cave for 7 years with a Thai Soccer Team. (Seriously, that was crazy and a miracle and MisRed is glad everyone is out safely.). Dorinda and Sonja fought about Sonja’s use of the Morgan family crest. And Ramona entered into a common law marriage with a slice of banana bread.
I think that, just about, covers it.
Wow! We are going straight into it! We open with Luann rehearsing for her cabaret act with Billy Stritch- they are singing the old classic- Money Can’t Buy You Class.
The lesson all should learn, even if there’s cash to burn
Respect yourself cause no one else can change your path
Billy tells her that once the orchestra is behind her, it will sound more like what Lu is used to. Oh? Will the orchestra auto-tune? Or are they just going to drown out her altogether?
Lu can’t believe that she’s doing this cabaret act. Trust me, Lu- neither can we. Neither can we.
Lu’s troll producer is sitting in the background fiendishly texting.
“Yeah, yeah, it’s hysterical, she thinks she can really sing…”
Lu “sings” the verse where she is pimping herself out… “How many men there are that forget to hold the door when I give them so much more than they can imagine?”
A quickie divorce. An arrest warrant. Any one of a handful of STDs. (ALLEGEDLY)
Lu thinks she is in good hands with her great team. Wait. Now they are concocting a way to bring Sonja into the act, during THIS song. Which is HYSTERICAL!!! Money can’t buy you class. Neither can a stolen family crest, or a last name. Lu thinks having Sonja in the show will take the pressure off of her a little. Oh dear.
Lu’s act is based on the “stories from my life” along with the “songs I like to sing.” We learn Rachel Dratch is going to be in the show. Did she hit her head or something? Or did her manager steal all of her money? Maybe she lost a bet?
Okay, so the loser has to be in Luann’s Cabaret Act!!
Lu says “I get so much flack for the ‘Countess Thing,’ I’m going to call it #CountessandFriends, just to mess with everybody.”
Whew! You really got MisRed with THAT one! I feel SO messed with. These bitches.
Sonja arrives at Lu’s, she says she is “back in her element and back on stage.” The producer is laying out what he wants Sonja to do and she is like – well I do more caburlesque than cabaret…
Sorry, MisRed knows it’s like a Vietnam flashback
Lu breaks the news to her that she has to wear underwear. Ohh!!! So that’s why Sonja had underwear on when she takes off her dress later. #LuMandate.
Lu interviews “I definitely want this cabaret to be a snatch-free zone.”
In fairness, Lu doesn’t have time to f*ck up the singing, and f*ck up the story-telling AND guard Sonja’s snatch all night? Seriously, that’s a full-time job. Well, you should have had another dude up on stage with you, Lu, if that’s the case.
OMG. They rehearse and it’s such a train wreck. Lu thinks that Sonja being unwilling to follow the script is part of her charm. Yeah, I’m sure Mr. Morgan thought so too when she went “off-script” in the South of France.
Tinsley arrives at Carole’s apartment and has brought Carole a gift- some heart fingerless gloves.
Is Tinsley trying to move in?
Carole says that Adam sent her 5 dozen tulips. Well, let’s not get carried away with the word “sent.” He didn’t call a florist and order 5 dozen tulips to be sent to Carole. You know that mofo swung by some Asian Deli and got the buy 3 get 2 free tulip special and just dropped them off at her apartment.
Mr Wong had just marked them down for quick sale
Adam is also, apparently, stalking Carole’s apartment under the ruse of checking on Baby (the dog). He showed up at Carole’s apartment at 10pm, took the dog from Tripp (Baby’s co-parent) and then opened Carole’s door and let Baby run in and then surprised her. Carole is like “Nightmare.” Carole finds it hard to be mad at Adam. Tinsley is appalled and thinks it’s creepy, but you know if Scott had done this, she would have thought it was the most romantic thing ever.
Carole needs to lock her f*cking door. Do you think she let him bone her? MisRed does. But whatever. Nobody asked for my opinion.
How many skanks can we rope into speed dating?
Tinsley says that Scott is IN TOWN. So exciting. Tinsley explains that they discussed getting a place together because “he wants to live together in New York.” Tinsley doesn’t want to leave the hotel, so she figures they should just move into the three-bedroom penthouse and she will just roll her clothing racks up to the penthouse. Tinsley says she hopes she is easy to live with. Bahahahahaha Tinsley, don’t be silly. You are a nightmare to live with, and MisRed doesn’t need to see the receipts- it’s just a GIVEN. Carole tells her to “keep it cute.”
Tinsley says she might make him a breakfast every once in awhile.
Oh Tinsley, you are so funny. Get a mental image of a breakfast Tinsley might make. Carole is like- “Or order room service.” Yeah, that’s more like it.
A box of roses arrives at the door. No, not from Adam, but from a woman that Carole met. Ohhh, so that’s why Carole got the Martina Navratilova haircut. Got it. Oh wait, no. The woman runs a matchmaking service and has “speed dating parties.” Carole wants to invite the girls to participate in speed dating.
Over at Bethenny’s, Sonja arrives, because they are now best friends. Bethenny gives Sonja some more SkinnyGirl Jeans- this time in ox blood red.
Yay!!! More Pajama Jeans
Sonja says “Oh, this is the color of the year!” She also says that “The kid isn’t getting these.” Which annoys the crap out of MisRed. Sonja doesn’t have a pot to piss in and she gives all her free sh*t away to her kid- who I’m sure IS being taken care of by The Bank of Morgan.
Bethenny, of course, can’t be content with anyone having more information that she has, questions what Sonja means and how she would know this information??
Listen, MisRed buys all of her clothes at Costco and even she knew that ox blood was THE hot color.
Sonja says, “I’m a fashion forecaster… that’s what I do.” Well, that’s a new one.
Sonja gloats in her interview “I’m not happy that Bethenny and Carole are on the outs, but I’m IN with the SkinnyGirl jeans. What can I say?”
Oh Sonja. Wait 5 minutes, Bethenny will be mad at you again for something insignificant and the scales will be balanced again. Poor Sonja, seriously. And literally. She has such a hard-on for Bethenny, it’s so sad. And pathetic.
They discuss the “dating website” and that they need to set up their profiles. Is this Carole’s thing or something different? Bethenny interviews that Sonja has no shortage of men. Of course not, she’s the town bike- everyone has had a ride.
They go onto the app- still unclear what the app is. And Sonja already has tons of people “liking” her. She gave out free vagina EZ Passes to the first 1,000 customers.
Ok, so this isn’t the same thing as Carole’s speed dating thing- it’s just some online dating thing. It’s probably the “celebrity” one. Bethenny says “Here’s what it says right now on your profile.”
The reading of Sonja’s “credentials”
“54 from the Upper East Side…
Profession: Toaster-oven chef and special appearance personality,” (MisRed wasn’t aware that Sonja went to Culinary School and thus qualified to be called Chef. OR had worked her way through the trenches of restaurants to earn the title of Chef. Ok, moving on.) “lifestyle expert, model/actress.”
Bethenny explains that this app takes info from other apps, so all this bullsh*t is stuff that Sonja has posted elsewhere. We see Sonja’s profile on Bethenny’s phone and her photo is just a photo of her tits.
The only place she doesn’t use the name MORGAN
“Event producer, publicist, entertainer. International fashion lifestyle brand, film producer.” Bethenny is like- you need to whittle this down. She says she should say “Media / …” And Sonja interjects: / Asshole.
Well, yes, for starters.
Dorinda arrives at “Jovani,” and is greeted by a sales person named “Felicia.”
Dorinda says that she is very close with Jovani and over the years they have helped her out with dresses. Loaning them to her or whatever and since Lu is hitting the drag-circuit, Dorinda convinced them to extend the same courtesy to her.
Fresh from skinning at the zoo
Felicia brings out their finest monkey fur jackets and Lu strolls in late, but apologizes profusely.
Who wore it better?
Who is more coherent after 3 glasses of wine?
Lu and Dorinda go through the dresses and jumpsuits. They all fit Lu perfectly- I mean, she is like a mannequin. She tucks it like an expert.
Petty Luman walking down the street…
Dorinda wants to know what’s going on with Lu’s court case? Lu explains that the court date was cancelled because they need to review the evidence. Lu’s lawyer is hoping to get the “criminal” part of the charges dropped as Lu didn’t have any “criminal intent.” And Lu was “under the influence” and Lu isn’t an aggressive person. Lu hopes that since she went to rehab that the judge will be lenient. Dorinda says “It’s gonna go where it’s gonna go.” Thanks Dorinda- such words of wisdom.
Akin to “It is what it is.” A phrase MisRed hates. Of course it is what it is- what else would it be?
At the hotel, Tinsley is packing up and poor Bambi is under the false impression that she is going to be able to go outside in the fresh air.
Air. It’s a small request. Air. I beg of you.
Tinsley’s gay comes over to help her pack boxes. Why is she packing boxes?
She’s moving, like a few floors away. She keeps sweaters in the oven- how very Sex and the City of her.
I’m soooo Carrie Bradshaw. Except without the job. And without the apartment.
Ugh. Tinsley tells us that Scott helped her move INTO the hotel room last year, so he gets a free pass this time. Seriously, how much stuff could she have? It’s all on rolling racks. Why are we even seeing this scene?
MisRed is officially boycotting this scene. Clear the scene. Clear.
The Dog in the Plastic Bubble
Tinsley’s new digs are a mere $30,000 / month.
This is the stupidest waste of money ever. $360,000 per year, check my math, for a hotel room. What a waste!
Why doesn’t she just move into Sonja’s townhouse? At least she could come out of there with something. You know, Hep C or the clap or black mold poisoning or something.
Wow! MisRed is venomous today.
Lu and Carole meet up for coffee. They discuss this whether they use cold or hot milk in their coffee. This is the level of their friendship. Carole says she feels honored that Lu asked her to pick her up at her AA meeting and to have coffee. You know Lu expected Carole to – LITERALLY- pick her up and carry her to a coffee shop. Picture Lu riding Carole like a donkey. Lu explains to Carole, in front of the “barista,” that she is in “nesting” mode right now. And she needs to stay away from “People, Places and Things.” Well, that really narrows it down.
Barista wets his pants and calls his Mom
Lu explains: “People that drink, Places that drink and things… like drugs, I guess.” Another wisdom-filled phrase from Lu. “Places that drink.”
Lu says she doesn’t want to “label herself.” Okay, “COUNTESS.” The AA meetings help keep her in line. She won’t drink today, and she isn’t planning on drinking tomorrow…
But you just wait until Friday!!
Carole asks if it’s okay for Lu to be around people that are drinking? Lu says it doesn’t bother her, but it is more tempting. Uh yeah, that’s why they tell you to STAY AWAY from the people and the places and the things.
Carole says that she is prepared to be a friend to THIS Luann.
They discuss the cabaret act and Lu mentions that Sonja is participating. Carole is like- Uh Sonja’s act is ridiculous (MisRed’s words) and Lu says that Sonja isn’t doing her act, she’s doing what Lu tells her to do. Carole says “Okay, but she’s gotta, like, wear underwear and not pull her dress up.”
It’s almost like Carole has a crystal ball, isn’t it?
Ramones goes to work out with her friend Debra. Who, we see, works out with a full face of make-up and her hair curled. Deb and Ramones discuss Ramona’s current stable of men and Ramona tells us that she doesn’t know why she is so good at flirting… and we get treated to montage of Ramona flirting.
It’s all about eye contact…
Oh dear. Ramona shares that she has a high libido, but she needs a man who is as smart or smarter than she is.
If not smarter, maybe a fluent English-speaker
Ramona works out. Throw-away scene.
Dorinda meets Lu, who is wearing a road-kill coyote around her neck. The Luann show continues, everyone is so proud of Lu. They go into a church and neither one bursts into flames. Dorinda says that church is a huge part of her life and wants Lu to go to church with her.
In memory of Wylie Coyote, Super Genius who gave his life for Luann’s coat.
Why are church people always trying to recruit more church people? MisRed and MrRed have a rule- we will go to church with you, but you have to take us for a meal afterwards. That’s fair, right?
Dorinda tells Lu about Carole’s Speed Dating thing and says it might be fun for Lu to go, although she doesn’t think Lu should actually date anyone at this juncture. She says that it’s like every Tom, Dick and Harry- and Lu has already done Tom and Harry, so maybe Dick will show up.
I’m sure JESUS loves hearing about DICK in his CHURCH.
Hi, I’m here to meet some losers…
Speaking of Jesus- Oh Jesus, it’s time for Speed Dating. Carole arrives to the Speed Dating event and gives her friend, Rori the matchmaker, the download on who is joining. Rori has a guy in mind for Carole- his name is Brian and is wearing a red scarf. He will hereafter be known as Mr. Red Scarf.
Mr. Red Scarf
So, Ramona shows up and meets a few guys- one named Amo and Ramona asks what nationality Amo is- and he says, “I’m American.”
Which, frankly, is refreshing. Because 90% of Americans, when you ask their nationality, will say- Italian or German or whatever their heritage is. MrRed who is actually English- from England with the accent and everything- gets so fired up at people who are American but identify has some other nationality. A girl at work told him that she is Italian. And he said to her- Oh, so you were born in Italy? And she said, no. Oh, so your parents are from Italy. No. Your grandparents are from Italy? No. Finally MrRed was like- You are American, stop saying you are Italian.
Sonja arrives and is already cupping some guy’s balls in the corner. Then Lu and Dorinda arrive. Lu is not excited although she did just get a new wig.
Ramona is already working over Mr. Red Scarf. Sonja makes fun of Ramona’s flirting style- saying “I mean, it’s just amazing and mesmerizing to watch.” LOL oh Sonja. At least Ramona flirts and doesn’t immediately try to ride every penis within a 30-mile radius.
Hot pick-up line.
Sonja talks to some guy and asks, “Do I smell like mothballs?” Then she name-drops that her outfit is an old Valentino suit. Shut up Sonja.
Bethenny arrives and Sonja tells the guys she’s trying to snare “Oh, she’s top shelf- forget about it.”
Of course, Bethenny already knows the guy that Ramona is trying to lock down- Mr. Red Scarf. She had met him in Miami and then had lunch with him.
Tinsley arrives and Bethenny asks if she is participating in the speed dating. She says she isn’t, and even if she was single she would NEVER do this- she’s a Southern Girl and she needs to be “wined and dined.”
Flashback to her first date with Scott where he bought her a Tito’s and a plate of cheese fries and she was straddling him and backing up the moving truck to his front door.
The girls have 3 minutes with each guy, which is plenty of time for Sonja. She tells her first victim “I love your skin. I grew up with that ruddy, red skin.” F*ck Sonja. Jesus. Why not just compare the poor guy to the Elephant Man and get it over with?!?! “Yeah well, the Elephant Man – he wasn’t the most attractive guy, but boy he was handy with a plunger and rescued Computer #3 from the upstairs Toilet.”
You can be Maaaaaaaaaaario 2.0!
Ramona sits down with Mr. Red Scarf and she tells him that she “doesn’t even know what speed dating is…but I have a lot of energy.” She lays the flirting on THICK.
Not smarter than Ramona.
Lu talks to some dude and he asks what she did that day and she says she’s doing a cabaret show and was rehearsing. He says, “I don’t even know what that is.” Bahahahahah. Some people are so dumb. The appropriate response, if you live under a rock and have never heard of a cabaret act or the musical Cabaret or the movie Cabaret or the two revivals of the musical Cabaret that happened on Broadway in the city in which you live… “Oh that’s interesting. Tell me more about it.” And then you GOOGLE “Cabaret” when you get a moment alone in the can. Jesus. Why does MisRed have to do all of the heavy lifting????
No, not 3 eggs any style, 3 CHILDREN
Carole talks to some guy who has three kids- all named “baby.”
We can wrap the food in my pants and eat it later.
Bethenny is asked to rank “Sex, love, food and laughter?” She says, Laughter, Love, Food, Sex. She reasons that Sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad, it’s good. The guy she’s talking to happens to be in the pizza business. Bethenny is wearing tin-foil pants.
Dorinda and Tinsley observe Ramona and says that she really knows how to work it. Dorinda says Ramona is ready to pounce.
Ramona then meets a guy named Lloyd, who looks like a worse-looking Brad Garrett.
The guy talking to Lu compliments her on her voice and on her monkey fur stole. Lu is cringing.
Love that blue monkey fur
Bethenny meets with Ramona’s guy- Mr. Red Scarf, and he says that they are sitting too far apart.
Taking a page from Sonja’s book
Bethenny says “What? You want me to give you a blow job or something?” Classy Bethenny, classy. The guy- who had met Bethenny already- says he only came to the event because he thought she might be there. Ok, dude. Whatever.
He randomly thought that Bethenny might be at a speed-dating event. Lol. Bethenny doesn’t think he’s her type. And she doesn’t want to – “Yet again, make myself like someone because of how much they like me.”
Yes, Bethenny, there is a line around the block of men who can’t want for you to emasculate them 24/7.
Lu’s guy- the Pizza guy- says that he was in Vail for the holidays and asks what Lu did for the holidays? Lu says it’s a long story and that she started in Florida and stayed in Florida, she was supposed to have gone to South America, but it didn’t pan out. Bahahahaha good one, Lu. She should have told him the truth- THAT would have been GREAT!!!
Ramona is talking to some guy who is 44 and he asks her age and she says, “I’m 61.” He can’t believe it and she does look great. And he looks a little ridden hard and hung up wet for 44. She asks what he thought she was and he said, “More like me.” What? A pre-maturely grey, guy in a rumpled suit who needs glasses? And Ramona, straight up, grabs his face and kisses him.
The event is finally over. The guy that Rori had in mind for Carole- Mr. Red Scarf- never even got to meet her because Bethenny and Ramona were devouring him. Ramona goes to get Mr. Red Scarf a tequila because he brought her a glass of wine. So basically, Ramones is just trying to find an excuse to interrupt Bethenny and her convo with Mr. Red Scarf.
Soooorrrry to interrupt, sooorrrrrry, okaaaaaaay?
Which she does and of course Bethenny is irritated.
Sonja, talking to some guy- who looks like at least two other guys there- says “You’re confident too and you know you have a stain on the front of your shirt and you don’t even care.”
He’s like – I don’t give a shit. He seems like he’s wasted on something.
Sonja continues “Only some guys know how to spank…”
They can have a filthy-perv-off
The guy grabs her head and whispers in her ear “I’ve got the cat of nine tails. And you’d be tied up and f*cking helpless. And when you’re done, you’d have hand marks on your f*cking ass.” Super classy.
Of course Sonja is like “I love hand marks the next day!!! You should see me after I’ve been with the Nigerian Football Team.”
But is it SOUTH OF THE HIGHWAY?!?!?!
At a side table, Tinsley, Ramona, Dorinda and Carole are talking about how cold it is and how they need to get away to someplace warm. Tinsley says that since the hurricanes messed up the Caribbean, she has access to a house in Columbia. The girls are excited, except for Dorinda. She only knows the scary stuff about Columbia and she likes “stuff with commercials, like the Bahamas.” For someone who is afraid of Columiba, she certainly isn’t afraid of its major export product- ALLEDGEDLY. So the girls are excited to go. Lu will need to get permission to leave the country, of course.
Oh dear, Lu gets a new wig.
Next time, they are in Columbia and Ramona is in a wheelchair
and then seemingly stuck in an elevator.
Somebody throw away the key.
Well kids, that’s where we stand right now. What do you think of Tinsley’s move? Red Scarf? Sonja being in Lu’s Cabaret? That dude not knowing what Cabaret is? You know MisRed loves your comments. xoxoxxo
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