I am reaching for a happy ending
Hello Trash Talkers! This new episode is Season 1’s finale and I’m feeling a little weepy. I’m not one to cry at weddings but divorce is a different thing altogether. I definitely experienced some waterworks in some of these moments on this show. So before I begin to swim through my tears with “Untying the Knot” memories, I’m going to take a moment to honor the uncouple of our last episode, Tina and Krissy. The lesbian couple (nice job Bravo!) had been together over a decade and they had decided it was time to move on for good. How did they come to this conclusion? Mannish Tina not only found a new love, but had her move in with them as well. In spite of all this, Krissy still wanted Tina. She didn’t say it but her sparkly eyes did. That and that she handed almost everything they were fighting over to Tina on a freaking silver platter. Embarrassing.
This is what people pleasing will bring you
On the bright side, she did get her knickers in a twist when one if their high dollar items, their T-shirt collection was on the table. Not a rare T-shirt in sight but lots of camp T-shirts from Bible camp 1985. Thankfully, she also sprung into action ( meaning Krissy started fidgeting on the couch) when the fate of their two doggy children, Suka and Dexter, was discussed. That may have softened my scorn after watching Krissy meekly blend into the background while Tina played dirty. She even let a Millea brother drive their Mustang GT that Krissy also wanted but wouldn’t verbally fight over. Or physically, for that matter. Darn.
Tina had to add that she wanted this for her and Amy, the other woman.
After watching Tina flirt shamelessly with Vikki, who clearly enjoyed her company and ignored her bulldozing over Krissy , the result of what went where was not too surprising. Their gorgeous $750, 000 Orange County home was split evenly. Krissy stupidly argued that she did not deserve 55% compared to Tina’s 45% originally awarded by Vikki. The 2006 The Mustang GT went to Tina. Not so fast Tina. The debt for the car was far more than the value, which Tina which came with it. Cackle cackle. The T-shirt collection? Valued at the in incredibly low price of $0, Tina won the jackpot on that one. Right.
The split between Dexter and Suka was hard to watch
Dexter and Suka were the most controversial cast members of the episode. Vikki explained earlier in the show that she was basing that one on who the better parent was. She discussed their schedules and emotional attachments to their dogs. Both seemed like great parents, so Tina was awarded Dexter and Suka went to Krissy. The separation upset them both but neither gave in so they could stay together. Big lesbian hugs at the end and they discussed play dates. God how I hate that term but if it makes the children happier then I’m all for it.
Now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for..the VERY. LAST. EPISODE!!!!!
Lights, camera, action!
We find ourselves in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, a haven of happiness and hooking up. Our couple, Stuart and Iret ,did just that 28 years which led to an unplanned pregnancy and marriage. They had enjoyed the perks of marriage until 4 years ago, when the uncoupling process began.
Stuart travels six months out of the year and Iret has come to realization that this not enough time together for her to have the emotional connection with Stuarts that she needs. Ugh! Why must they throw 28 years of marriage at me for this last episode? I’m having an anxiety attack already. I want my happy ending! C’mon Vikki work your magic. You OWE me!
This is all I am asking for .
Okay stay with me here.
Our D-list stars (that stands for divorce by the way) do their brief intros and then settle on the uncouple couch, ready to rumble. Here’s what they are fighting over: Their house, bought 25 years ago and full of 25 years of love, tears and sorrow. A baseball card collection of 30-year-old mint condition cards which Stuart claims were given to him by his uncle. The Judaica collection that was both bought and inherited. Last but not least, a Dorothea Lange photograph.
Stuart’s true love is revealed
I want Vikki to save this marriage. Although both Stuart and Iret look worn and torn with misery, they have been together forever. So what if they both look suicidal? Vikki owes it to me to fix their marriage and their lives in 30 minutes or less. I am going to remain optimistic and go through the goodies she sorted out just in case they go through with the divorce. I said IN CASE. First up, the house. Stuart’s guesstimate is $300,000. Stuart wants to sell it and split the equity while Iret wants to stay in the house until the kids are grown, which in her opinion will be five or six years. Did I mention she is referring to the youngest who is SIXTEEN and will be 21 or 22 when she thinks they are “grown”? Are you freaking kidding me? Last I checked eighteen was an adult but maybe not. Now I am feeling cheated for not getting to stay in my house that far into my adulthood. Oh, the money I could have saved! Next, they look at the baseball cards. I have to tell you I love this part, having dated and married many baseball card junkies who will trash their man cave yet keep those baseball cards sparkling clean. I wouldn’t be surprised if a few slept with them under their pillow regardless of the dollar value. Stuart said his uncle gave them to him and paid $245 for all of it. Since they are first edition cards in mint condition, the oldest one being 30 years old, Stuart thinks they are worth $1000-$1500. Iret wants to split the value of the collection. HA HA HA HA. Way to stick it to him Iret. That idea clearly has Stuart’s knickers in a twist. Next collection up is the Judaica collection. It is part inherited from Stuart’s family and part purchased. It has rare and unique pieces and their estimate is $30,ooo. Iret claims to want it because she has an “emotional” connection. Nice play Iret. You know Vikki always takes the emotional value into consideration, real or unreal. Stuart doesn’t really care but he does want a piece of what it’s worth.
The face of almost three decades of marriage
They discuss the Dorothea Lange photograph. Iret once again throws the sentimental card in. Looks like her hand was over played. Vikki is beginning to look a little skeptical. Iret’s sister did gift it to them both however. It is 80 years old. Of course Stewart wants a piece of it too. He’s no fool. I am sure his estimate is well over what the Millea brothers come up with however.
Now we move to our favorite part (you know you love this too) when the brothers appraise the items and then report to Vikki. Usually one member of the uncouple is so rude about getting everything that we are rooting for a crap value.
The Millea brothers cackle as they appraise the goods and then report back to Vikki. They have to love their jobs. They come up with these horrible numbers and then Vikki gets the pleasure of delivering the good news. Ha ha ha. First up, the Judaica collection. Remember how they estimated the value at least $30,000? They were WAY off. The marvelous Milleas appraised it at $4500. It would be $500 had the pointer not been valued at $4000. I cannot WAIT until the uncouple hears this. Stuart’s precious baseball card collection is worth $250. I know he is not going to be happy about the monetary value and I cannot wait to watch his misery. Dorothea Lange photograph? Resale value is $5250. The reasoning behind it is that the photograph is not that unique. I have a feeling that those two think it is worth five figures, not four.
The hot, yet evil sources of bad news
Off Vikki goes to report the news and put security on stand by when all breaks loose with Stuart and his baseball card appraisal. As expected, they are not feeling the love for Vikki. The reactions to the Millea estimate being almost $25,000 LESS than theirs on the Judaica collection is priceless. No one is hurt, however. Vikki awards the pointer to Stewart. It has been in his family for decades. Iret receives the rest of the collection. The baseball collection goes to Stuart because of its sentimental value. Plus Iret obviously doesn’t care about them except to piss Stuart off, which is almost always a top priority in a divorce. Iret receives the Dorothea photograph because it was passed down from her sister, just as the baseball cards were to Stuart. Too bad Stuart’s weren’t worth much more than a couple of department store shoes on sale. Last but not least,the house. Iret may want to keep the house until her daughter hits at least twenty one, but that’s not going to happen if Vikki has anything to say about it.The kicker is she gives Iret two years to co-exist in the house with Stuart until the youngest is 18. Iret was not happy about that one, although it will give her two years to save for the house. That is a crime waiting to happen but Vikki obviously wants to add some excitement to guarantee a Season 2. Iret and Stuart hit the point in their marriage where they were beyond help, judging from this episode. The communication died years ago along with their sex life. Serious stuff. Very sad to see, but once Iret told Vikki that she wasn’t sure she ever loved Stuart AT ALL and he had absolutely no clue about it, things looked grim. What a shitty thing to say to someone you have spent so many years with! The fact that he was upset and she didn’t even bother to notice spoke volumes. I am still mad at Vikki though for disappointing me with this last depressing episode but I doubt she will be losing any sleep over it.
My feelings of sadness aside, we had a great season. The show was about real people who had reached the end of a part of their lives. The reasons for each person were unique. Which made the show even better. That said, here are what I consider my most LOVED and HATED things about this season.
Krissy and Tina fighting over their T-shirt collection in Episode 5. Especially when the Millea brothers did the appraisal.
Jacques, Mira and their Buddha bullish*t in Episode 1. Both were so incredibly snobby that it was too much fun to find out the statue they had bragged about throughout the entire episode was only worth $800
The Millea brothers and their ability to keep a straight face through these appraisals. There were so many opportunities to mock these couples and their estimates, yet those two only went as far as a smile or little laugh.
The realness of the couples. Love them or hate them, their uniqueness was refreshing.
Your comments. It was great to have you on this trashy yet educational journey!
Golan from Episode 2 wins my vote for the most repulsive husband. Not only was he dirt ugly but selfish to boot. My feelings towards him were sealed when he laughed about cheating on Jennifer.
Tim and Kelly’s break-up in Episode 3. The fact that this Marine risked his life in Iraq while she suffered emotionally until he came home, only to wind up divorcing, was sad enough as it was. What was truly heartbreaking was to see a marriage go down the tubes after his return, which included PTSD and anger issues. This couple was the only one where I really and truly felt the love and passion both were still there. I was rooting for them the entire time. Sadly, even Tim admitted the divorce was his fault, but Kelly no doubt has a better future ahead of her without him.
The men who tried to take back their engagement and wedding rings! What an asshole move. Have you no hearts, gentlemen? Add to that those who went after the jewelry collections too.
Tim trying to repo Kelly’s shoe collection. Hasn’t she been through enough?!!!
Suka and Dexter being separated in Episode 5.
So did we get our happily ever after? That was probably NOT what people were looking for in a reality tv show about divorce, including myself. However, Vikki did grow on me, lopsided false eyelashes and all. We only had thirty minutes with each couple but there was not a boring bit in the lot! As for the couples and their happiness? Their true feelings were revealed to us so quickly that it became clear which ones were truly ready and better off ending the marriage. It doesn’t mean I didn’t cry here and there though. This was obviously an emotionally draining experience in some way or another for all of them. There were viewers who called this show depressing, but that’s not necessarily so. The “happily ever after” is not about being married OR divorced. It is about finding out what and who truly makes you happy and having the courage to get there. The uncoupled AND uncoupled who realize this, will find their happy ending!
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