Southern Charm Recap: Reunion Part 1 aka “Is The Horse Dead Yet? No? Ok”
Hi Southern Charm fans! Anyone out there left? Hello oh oh oh oh… Does anyone even GAF what happens on this reunion? With the holiday and the general feeling that this all happened in a dream like two months ago, let’s go. I’ll try to stay awake. Deal?
How MissKitty feels recapping this shit
We open with Andy saying hello on a hilariously gaudy set. Kathryn decided to steal Patricia’s rose bushes and wear them.
Please hire a stylist. Cooper? Where’s COOPER?
Craig has officially passed the bar, and officially remains MissKitty’s favorite, as he asks “what will there be to talk about?”
That’s what I want to know too. Maybe how you look 42?
Andy compliments Kathryn’s hair, and she thanks him, saying it’s the new her. I happen to think it looks kick ass actually.
The hair may say “new”, but the dress says “old”. As in, circa 1971 Lawrence Welk background singer
Andy asks how Shep’s floating enzyme is, and Shep jokes that it escaped, which is pretty funny.
Are you drunk… now?
TRav admits that having the kids has been good for him. Cam rubs her pregnant belly, revealing that it is a girl. Andy asks if it will be named Landon, and then Shep asks maybe if it will be Whitney. Did Whitney impregnate her or something? Next we see Landon herself, who looks like she maybe had a little Botox done.
Your forehead is suspiciously smooth (Note: I’ll be reusing this picture of Landon, because I think it superbly represents her inner slag)
Austen is asked about his first time being a cast member and Thomas jokes that he fell for the fanny trick and OH SWEET PEAS AND CORN we have to see his ass again.
If I have to, you have to. Sorry
Andy (as I had suspected) rewound it a bunch of times and tells Austen he has nothing to be ashamed of. All the eyes disagree.
Andy then asks Craig about Shep’s quote about not being able to get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a sack of bananas over his shoulder. Craig denies it (REALLY? ARE WE GOING TO ENDURE ANOTHER FUCKING REUNION TALKING ABOUT SHEP VS CRAIG?), and Shep says he sleeps in bed with girls without trying anything, saying he’s done some sleuthing.
And apparently, some brain cell murdering and possible DNA rearranging
Cam reveals that Jason, when he found out she was pregnant asked if she was cheating on him.
“No, I haven’t been cheating. With Whitney.”
Cam goes through her thought process on breeding and MissKitty falls deeper into slumber. No. It’s fine. If that’s what she and her husband want, all power. Just don’t sit behind me on an airplane and let the kid scream, k? Andy asks Craig about his various hobbies and if he’s always had them, and Craig adorably says he had to take Home Ec in school and really liked sewing.
I have always loved that he owns his inner Dork
We rehash Craig’s lying about the bar, as Shep spouts cliches and says he doesn’t want to rain on anyone’s parade. Craig argues that in fact, he likes to rain on them 100%.
Kind of, yeah
Thomas defends Shep as a “straight-shooter”. Coming from the maniac who wants to impart wourds of wisdom at a dinner pourty, culminating in chasing his guests out threatening bodily harm, it’s not exactly the ringing endorsement I would want. But whatever.
“Ah like Shep; he’s a strite shooter, essept when he’s being a MAMA’S BOY thet I’m goin’ to put onto the pavement! LEAVE right NAOW!’
Andy brings up Craig taking issue with Thomas ignoring Kensie at the polo match, and how Thomas accused him of having tumbleweeds between his ears. Shep says that Craig is a horrible mediator and Cam calls him a girl, and a drama queen. Yay! More let’s beat up on Craig again at a reunion! Craig admits that Shep pushed him to “dead-leg” him. Because Thomas probably longs for the days at the Citadel when he got to shove Plebes’ heads into toilet stalls, he’s as happy and laughing as a mental patient with a balloon.
“Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. HAZING! HA. HA. HA.”
Craig doesn’t seem capable of laughing at himself, so I kind of do get where they are coming from. Naomie comes out, and we find out that Craig asked her out for every holiday for THREE YEARS before they dated.
“He finally wore me down like a pencil eraser!”
Andy brings up the stupidest thing ever, which was Craig’s question, whether you’d give up oral sex or cheese. Andy thinks it’s crazy, because “EVERY GUY LIKES GETTING HIS DICK SUCKED”
“Did you hear that Shep? EVERY GUY LIKES GETTING HIS DICK SUCKED. SHEP.”
Naomie says she’d answer “cheese” too, because they both just love cheese.
Her face is like mine right now; aka “CAN WE DROP THIS NOW?”
Because I don’t know about you all, but I don’t want to think about it anymore- I’m sitting thinking of Craig gnawing on a block of cheese and Andy Cohen getting his knob slobbed. I need something to cleanse my palate so I can get all of those images out of my…
BUT OH GOD NOT THAT!
We move on to Craig and Naomie’s tumultuous fighting. They admit that they are still fighting, but then started just dating again, and things are better. Naomie explains her apology to him, and I it’s truly sweet and heartfelt.
Still love ya, girl!!!
Andy compliments Kathryn on her relationship advice and asks if she could have done anything differently with Thomas what would it have been?
Oo I know! Made him wear a condom! What do I win?
Kathryn says she would have kept the relationship private. She says that Thomas had a lot of people in his ear (no doubt, show driven) saying all kinds of negative stuff about him. When pressed, she says Whitney (aka the EXECUTIVE PRODUCER). And others. And I don’t think she’s wrong. Andy asks Landon if that’s true, and Landon tries to take the high road and says she wants to stay out of their relationship.
BITCH PLEASE
Kathryn reminds her about the “electric shock” comment (which Thomas actually brought up, but ok) and Landon agrees that it was immature, and inappropriate. But she looks like this when she apologizes.
See You Next Tuesday, PLEASE
God I still hate that little twat.
Next, Andy does the Austen retrospective.
“Well I think that’s the tops!”
Austen is called Shep’s “protege” and when Andy asks how he’s different from Shep, Austen admits that he can really go for someone romantically. Senator Ravenel says the difference is that Austen’s comments are delivered softer, and Shep’s are tinged with meanness. Everyone agrees. Austen next reveals that he is no longer with his beer company. Andy asks if they let him go. Austen says they “parted ways”.
“We parted ways. It had nothing to do with the fact that no one wants to be affiliated with this shit show”
Andy rehashes the (VERY) sad story of Austen’s sister Kyle, who passed away. Austen says the response he got was overwhelming, and that his parents were very heartened by the outpouring of support. It made me legit sad, and I actually think his parents are really nice people.
“And that’s all I have to say about that.”
Andy brings up Chelsea and his relationship, and Cam says how much she enjoyed seeing Austen court her. Shep breaks into incredulous guffaws, saying how all she kept saying was for Shep to go for her. Cam admits she was wrong, but at the time she didn’t know how serious things were with Austen.
Shep indeed did buy a beach house, saying that he goes out a lot less. Thomas laughs that even though the beach bars close at 11pm, there’s still a lot of day drinking. Shep talks about how his old place was two blocks from both his bars, so when the lights came on, he’d invite 60 people back to his house. Shep laughs at his week-long health kick. Cam says that what she doesn’t like is that when he drinks, he gets angry. He doesn’t argue. Craig has to take it a step further by saying that he gets mad at what he doesn’t like in himself. It may be true, but it’s not going to play well with this bunch of callow people. Shep says he doesn’t like that he can’t say no and that after a few beers everything seems like a good idea. He is embarrassed at Cam finding him asleep after missing their appointment. He says he wanted to open himself up to a wild life, and he’s being completely honest.
Now we get to the star of the show (sorry let’s be honest). Kathryn talks about her sobriety. She goes over the timeline and how she was in an almost constant panic attack during the reunion last season. We see her walk out for the 34th time in her American Saloon Girl dress.
I AM I mean… WAS cray!”
Andy asks what she learns in rehab. Like I suspected, it sounds like she got a lot of therapy about how much older people (including an emotionally-abusive drunk) treated her like garbage for ratings. She cadges, by saying “how cruel the world can be”. Andy looks totally confused, because normal human emotions left his body probably 25 years ago the second he decided to peddle women conforming to hideous stereotypes and making men who are the biggest pricks look like rational people.
Yeah. She’s talking about YOU, Andy, you woman-hating parasite
She vaguely points in Thomas’s direction. BINGO. Wherein all the problems lie. She is asked why she freaked out when the results of her drug test were common knowledge. I know they were at the AIRING of the reunion, but at the filming? Not so sure. But Andy says they were. Landon’s quote about Kathryn looking in Malibu for her “next victim” is asked about, and Landon stands by her quote, citing a picture of Kathryn’s post of a shirtless guy in a Maserati. OKAAAYYY…That proves it! ??
Oh look, it’s been a whole six minutes since I haven’t been reminded of how terrible you are! But it’s Cunt O’Clock! DING
Thomas is asked about his assertion that Kathryn didn’t take a drug test, because she knows she’d fail it. Meanwhile stumbling around drunk off his ass, cavorting with college girls.
“Shid, ::hic:: fail’er drug tast. What’re you lookin’ at? ::hic::”
Kathryn is asked about her margarita in Key West. She says that she was drinking at that time, but that she didn’t drink any of the margarita. She said her drug of choice was marijuana. Landon interjects “is that all?” Shut up. Kathryn says it was her drug of choice.
Does anyone wonder what her drug of choice is for the reunion? She seems unnaturally calm…
And to cement how big a piece of shit Andy is, he shows the scene again of Kensie at the modeling shoot.
Your face is starting to resemble your soul, bobblehead
We get to see Kathryn cry over the scene. YAY mission accomplished! ::heavy sarcasm:: Craig offers her his handkerchief, as Thomas winks and nods in approval. Kathryn next admits that she doesn’t have many people in her support system, and that it’s hard for her to trust people. Thomas says her distrust may drive people away who could help her (paraphrasing), but Kathryn argues she doesn’t know who she can trust. Which is sad. Inexplicably, Landon starts boo-hooing about how hard it must be for Kathryn. Say what now?
“Bee Bee Bee… I’m one of the reasons you can’t trust people, but it must be so haaaard… ::SOB::”
Kathryn also hints (and then flat-out says) that Jennifer was a good friend of hers who betrayed her trust, including lying in a deposition. Andy brings out Jennifer herself.
Who has um… changed a bit
We hear that her son is in good health (good), and then we get to “handkerchief-gate” when Kathryn freaked out the reunion about Thomas offering his handkerchief. Kathryn saw it as shifted loyalty, Thomas admits that he did a 180 on Jennifer, given her courage to have her baby. Kathryn then brings up Jennifer’s testimony in the deposition, saying that Jennifer wasn’t truthful. Jennifer argues that she was. Kathryn brings up that Jennifer used to listen to conversations about how awful Thomas was to Kathryn, and the fact that they are copasetic now smacks of disloyalty.
Jennifer next brings up that Kathryn repeated a rumor about the paternity of Jennifer’s son. Apparently, there are rumors that Thomas is the father. Kathryn said she was asked about it and said yes, it was a rumor. When asked by Andy if she thinks it could be true,
Her face matches America’s
Jennifer says it’s someone else’s, and Kathryn says she wasn’t privy to who Jennifer was dating or seeing then. She apologizes for repeating the rumor, but then drops a bomb that Jennifer lied about her friendship with Thomas. Thomas himself told Kathryn that he slept in Jennifer’s bed after a party at Jennifer’s. Thomas vehemently denies it.
Let’s see. Do I believe the drunk, or the obsessive girl still in love with him? Hate to go against probably the grain, but obsessive girls still in love with drunks obsessively remember every detail. It’s why they’re OBSESSIVE
And PS- Craig’s face in the background is 50% of why I screen-grabbed this scene. It looks like a scene from a hospital room from All My Children, circa 1986.
“I KNOW you slept with Thomas!” Dun Dun DUNNNNNN!
Meanwhile, as he often does when caught in a lie, Thomas starts blowing his fucking stack like a pressure cooker lid, threatening her about what will come out in court and if it became public, she’d “never work again!”
Shut up you old ballbag. If the world knew just 12% of what you probably have done, without your family money, you’d be unemployable too
He’s literally too angry to even talk.
Um. You’re a scary ass abusive asshole. FYI
We end there with scenes from next week, where we will rehash Landon flirting with Austen- Chelsea gets in on that (YES!) Chelsea talks about “grab-gate” (YES!) and whether Shep or Craig (or both) are drunk assholes.
So what did everyone… Hello? HELLO-oh oh oh oh? Anyone there? Wake up! ::crickets:: I’m sorry this recap was so boring, but this reunion was pretty boring. Anyway, hopefully next week it will be the last one, and I can put this to bed and then burn it like a car soaked in gasoline.
MissKitty, next week with this shit
Hugs,
MK
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